Burlap Soul

Just wanted to say that the new forecasts are up. You did know that Susan Miller is a goddess and that you won't find a more accurate horoscope anywhere else on the web, right? Okay.. as long as that's clear. ;-)

These have basically turned into a recap of our trip and a list of favorite moments during our vacation, because I consider every little wonderful moment a true positive. That's why they're so long, but feel free to skip 'em if you like.

Participation Positives:

-- One of the most wonderful adventures of my life: seeing Manhattan for the first time ever after so many years of wishing and dreaming
-- Seeing it with someone I love that encourages me to achieve my dreams
-- Coming home to a very happy doggy that is adjusting just fine
-- Having credit cards for survival
-- Making it home okay and making it there okay, despite bad directions
-- Even though our trip was actually two hours longer than expected, we still enjoyed ourselves and laughed and had fun in the car
-- Crossing a bridge from New Jersey to New York in the Super Shuttle and seeing the Manhattan skyline (for real, finally!) during sunset and..
-- J. holding me when I was overwhelmed to tears..
-- J.'s smile when I looked at him while crying and said, "Oh my God! It actually sparkles!"
-- After an insanely long trek from the Newark Airport to our hotel (Die Evil Super Shuttle, Die!!), finally having the chance to call family and tell them how excited we were to be in the Big Apple!! and..
-- hearing Aunt V. say like a giddy school girl, "Oooh! I wish I was there with you! You'll have so much fun!"
-- walking around the corner from the hotel and eating a yummy calzone at midnight on a sidewalk table at Nick's Place and..
-- J. laughing because I just kept watching the nightlife and beaming like a happy schoolgirl, saying, "We're here! We're in New York!"
-- Catching an old MST on tv while getting ready to head out on Saturday morning
-- Seeing J. enjoy his birthday card and the poem I wrote for him
-- H & H bagels
-- Laughing as we made a funny email video in Times Square and sent it to family
-- Getting a picture of me with the Naked Cowboy and laughing hysterically at his antics
-- standing in the middle of Times Square with J., holding hands and just soaking it all in together
-- Being unafraid to cry at Ground Zero...
-- and J. holding me tight, saying, "I'm jealous of you. You can feel things I can't."
-- My first ride on the subway, beaming like a child
-- J. standing at the docks of Battery Park and saying, "Look! Water! This is where I would hang out if we lived here," and making me laugh
-- Finding interesting souvenirs for myself and Pasty in Chinatown (lucky cats!!)
-- Watching the nightlife in Greenwich Village
-- Having dinner while laughing at a copy of The Onion
-- Standing atop the Empire State Building at night and kissing on J.'s 30th birthday
-- J. holding me when I started to cry, overwhelmed with the view
-- Suddenly feeling inspired and free of my past demons and saying to J., "This is somewhere they told me I could never go and somewhere they will never have the courage to go themselves. They can't hurt me up here. I'm free." and..
-- seeing tears in his eyes because he knew it was true
-- Laughing with J. while we looked at some of the drawings at the Veg-City Diner
-- The absolute amazement and awe that is St. Patrick's Cathedral
-- Lighting candles for loved ones (and our animals!)
-- Being able to watch J. sit through a (very quick!) mass and then see him take communion and..
-- seeing him return to his seat with tears in his eyes and say to me, "Thank you for bringing me here and letting me do this. Thank you for this. I love you so much."
-- Madame Tussaud's and the absolutely amazing time we had there making complete idiots of ourselves
-- Calming down a policeman's horse in the middle of Times Square (you can take the girl out of Kentucky, but you can't take the Kentucky out of the girl...)
-- The magic of Times Square at night
-- Sitting on the rocks in the middle of the lake at Central Park with J. and soaking in that amazing view
-- Finally getting to see Strawberry Fields and the Imagine Mosaic after wishing for it all of my life
-- Catching a brilliant red sunset on the last night of our trip during a boat tour around the city
-- Eating ice cream on the subway
-- My mom agreeing to pick up Gypsy at the kennel and meet us at the house and..
-- seeing Gypsy and the cats so excited and happy to have us home! :-)
-- Having a strawberry birthday cake with J. yesterday for the both of us and putting all 56 candles on it! :-)
-- Wonderful online greetings and birthday cards from online friends
-- Being able to zone out and relax for a few days after a mind-blowing trip
-- I have a roof over my head
-- I have food to eat and clean water to drink
-- I have happy and healthy animals that love me and I love them
-- I have a wonderful family that gets excited for me and my journeys
-- I have a beautiful man in my life that travels along side me and encourages me all the way, even when I fall behind
-- I have the ability to rise above my insecurities and tackle dreams that I thought were lost
-- I am another year older and another year closer to being free of my past
-- Now, no one can say that I wasn't good enough to try, because I did it and I did it well :-)

Is it bad when you spend your entire day in a constant brain-fog imagining that you are still in Manhattan and can simply go around the corner for a bagel if you're hungry?
Yeah, I think I need another vacation.

I still haven't posted my 26 Things yet. I'm kind of disgusted with myself right now because of my huge energy problems that I've been avoiding. It just sucks when I know I need to see a doctor and my body is crashing badly and everything still hinges on money. I loved our trip to New York. It's something I will never regret taking, but I just wish that we didn't have to live hand-to-mouth for the sake of having a little fun now and then.
We are off to get some groceries and clip some coupons and other Sunday rituals. Hopefully I will be able to get my entries up later tonight.

I swear.. nothing in this world can ruin your mood faster than a fucking argument over money.
Goodbye Easy Sunday, Hello Private Festering Anger.

Did I mention? J. has a new blog here.. assisted with love by me. So we have officially become a Blogger-free couple. Now if I could only talk myself into taking the time to export my Blogger entries, we'd be all set.
I asked J. how he felt about having a manly blog on such a femme-sounding domain name and he came up with his own funny little banner-description as a counter argument. The Penfold part? It's from one of our favorite cartoons. If you can guess which one, I'll give you a gold star. (and searching for it on Google is cheating, bee-yotch. So step off, 'aight?)
Anyway, I think I might actually try to get some sleep tonight instead of staying up until some ungodly hour of the night in the name of insomnia. If nothing else, I picked up the new Rolling Stone the other day for reading material. Any full-page glossy photo interview with Angelina Jolie is enough to keep my satisfied, if not downright satiated. She's just too fucking cool.

I've almost got my entry on our trip to Manhattan finished.. so if circumstances allow, I will be posting it at the photolog sometime this evening or tomorrow morning. Stay tuned.. ;-)

After climbing the stairs and then giving the dog a bath, I feel as though I could easily pass out from exhaustion. Nevermind the fact that I've been doing yoga almost daily, eating better, getting nearly 9-10 hours of sleep a night, and basically doing nothing all day besides walking the dog.

God, I'm so tired I could cry. Then I realize I don't have the energy to finish typing a sentence, much less wipe away tears. I really need to see a doctor, but I don't know when that will come. Hopefully by the end of this month as our finances straighten or whenever school starts again so that I can maybe get student health insurance. I've suspected I might have hypothyroidism for about three years now, but it's never really been this debilitating before and I've always been able to hide it or deal with it. I don't think I can hide it anymore. I don't care about the needles, the blood tests, the scariness of a doctor's office, the possibility of taking medication for the rest of my life. I don't care about any of it anymore. I just want the fog to lift from my brain, to feel safe driving on a long trip and knowing that I won't just space out behind the wheel and forget about the stop signs like I did yesterday. I want to be able to talk correctly without sounding like I'm drunk. I want to get excited about things again instead of watching other people have fun and thinking to myself, "Looks cool, but eh.. I'm too tired." I just want to feel like myself again.
Basically, I just want to feel anything but this...

Looks like J. Lo and Ben are over. I can't help but laugh..

I'm really sorry, guys. I know I keep saying I will get my 26 Things up and our NYC pictures and all of that... but I am just so out of it lately. My brain is fogged, life keeps getting in the way and I'm basically too tired to keep up with anything that I've promised. So just bear with me, ok? Hopefully this will all pass soon and things will feel normal again.
In the meantime, I'm off to Kentucky to meet J. and make a lasagna for my mom and her boyfriend. *sigh* Just when I think I have the energy to have time to myself, something gets in the way. Luckily, tonight's events will hopefully be a good thing.

Even our dog is a lazy bum. I've been up since 10am, (part of my slow effort to begin waking up earlier and prepare for school again). Gypsy continues to sleep until noon. Occasionally, she opens one half-sleepy eye, notices me walking around, opening window blinds and going about my usual waking-up routine, and then stares at me as if I am mentally insane. "We're not sleeping until noon today? What the hell's wrong with you? Where's my mother?"
It's funny how we managed to find the perfect dog for us; quirks, dysfunctions and all.

Two more hours before I can go pick up our pictures from New York. I am about to go out of my mind.. That either means that I must have some really amazing photos waiting for me, or that my day is unbelievably boring.
I mean come on.. is anybody else this freakish about newly developed film?

Well, we finally got our NYC pictures back from Sam's. Here's a tip for you: Don't ever go to Sam's.
Our pictures sucked. All ten rolls of them that we spent nearly $50 to have developed. Money we didn't have. It's blatantly obvious that the errors were done in the lab. Chemical splashes, sides cut off, scratches, huge spots. If I hadn't majored in photography and worked in a dark room myself so much, I would have easily mistaken this crap for my own human error. I know it's not though and that drives me insane.
Last night I was ready to walk in that place and throw a hatchet at their heads, but now I'm just learning that we're out fifty bucks and it really annoys the shit out of me. So J. went back and talked to them. They don't give you your money back. They just redevelop them 3 times and if you're still not satisfied, too damn bad.

ugh. I could scream.

However, I'm not screaming. We are preparing to leave for Eastern Kentucky tonight and will be spending some time with my family this weekend. (the whole point of this trip being to show them the photos from our vacation. Ironic, isn't it? Especially considering some of them are pitch-black with nothing but chemical spots and cut-off heads.)
On our way out of town, J. has offered to stop by Sam's and raise major hell. I'm tempted to let him do it. If they can't give us the photos, the least they can do is refund our fifty bucks that was originally intended for gas and groceries. Bastards.

Anyway.. I am actually in a much better mood compared to last night. Hell, last night I could've given The Hulk a run for his money. Well actually, any time my temper flares up like that, I know that I could easily have The Hulk for breakfast and he wouldn't know what hit him. I laugh a lot and I'm goofy and funny and sarcastic and cool and easy-going, but cross that line of respect and piss me off and I will shred you to pieces without a second thought. I'm cute that way. It's that dichotomy that makes me so lovable.

So, I may be scarce for a few days. I'll be hanging out in the hills of Appalachia where I grew up and where my spirit will always remain. I'll finally be going home.
Enjoy your weekend.. and if anyone tries to take away your happiness, don't be afraid to bust some heads. If anyone complains, just send them to me. :-)

I am such a bad girl... Hanging out at the computer in the dark, sneaking to blog. No one in my real life (except J.) knows that I have a website of any sort, so cruising blogs is a very interesting experience around here to say the least. Sometimes, as much as I hate Ohio and want out of there so damn bad, I miss being able to return back to my old home. At least I don't have to peak over my shoulder there while I'm online.. hee hee.. ;-P

I am just not caring about the world lately. It's the main reason I'm not writing, not reading too many other blogs, not doing much. My body is so taxed that when I wake up in the morning with the slightest amount of energy, I am terrified of wasting it by sitting online. So I may try to clean today. I don't know.

The next few weeks will be rough as it is. I'm starting school in two weeks, J. is quitting his job today, we will worry about finances like mad. So, I may be scarce for a while. It's not that I don't want to write. It's just that it's become almost too much of a task for now. That may change. It may not. I honestly don't know and can't predict.. at least not without a horrible migraine interrupting my thought process.

Lately, my brain's been in such a bad fog, that I don't know much of anything. I was told by two of my best friends this weekend (after describing what I've been going through physically) that I needed to get my thyroid levels checked. So how am I supposed to do this when our finances are so horrible?

I notice that the dog needs walked and I want to cry from the exhaustion that thought brings. I try to sit and type and my fingers just die in mid sentence. It's too taxing. Everything's too taxing. Thinking has become something that requires too much energy. I know I'm not depressed and that's probably the most frustrating part. To know that my body has basically just cried 'Mutiny!' and I am left to sit and stew while it fights its private wars.

I know that I have promised many things to many people but all I can do at this point is make a promise to myself. I will take care of myself at all costs and I don't care if it pisses anybody else off. It's all I have the energy to do right now. My body is crashing, my spirit is slowly being crushed with every daily task that I can no longer perform, my mind is constantly switching between 'hurry-and-do-some-stuff-while-you-have-the-energy' mode and 'fuck-it-I'm-too-tired' mode and I am left in the middle of the crossfire, wondering when things will get better or if they ever will.

So I'm rambling, but I don't care. Basically, I'm just trying to explain why I will be gone for a little bit. I guess maybe I'm trying to justify why I may be spending the next week in bed. Resting doesn't sit well with me, but at this point, it's all I can do. I guess I am just afraid that when I come back, no one will be here to say hello... and that's really the hardest part.

There's a new entry over at the photolog, though it's just a little one and it's not the big NYC entry that I've been working on forever. (it's almost done though!) Thanks to everyone for all of your support. You have no idea how much that means to me. I intend on taking a real break soon enough. I just have some internet things to finish up and then I will most likely be laying in bed for the next few days after that... and yes, we are planning on a doctor visit very soon.
These are the times when it absolutely sucks to not have a television upstairs... and no reading material. *sigh* Maybe I will just instigate fights between the cats and Gypsy for entertainment. Eh.. maybe not. Too much fur to clean up afterward.

I am so tired of not being able to sleep because my dreams are so strange and vivid that they keep me awake. This has always been the case with me. I could probably count on one hand the number of times in my entire life that I've had a simple, pleasant dream. I talk to other people about their dreams and they tell me, "Yeah, I had a dream I was doing laundry." What the hell? Why can't I have dreams like that? Instead, my brain is constantly flashing pictures of spiders at me or putting me in some seriously strange scenarios and gruesome environments. I've done lots of intense research on dream analysis, studied it heavily in school, analyzed other people's dreams quite easily and I have friends that ask me to analyze their dreams. Still I am left clueless by some of the junk that's thrown out by my own brain.
I read somewhere once that if your dreams are in color, that means you are a temperamental person. I have always had very colorful dreams. Up until I was about 20 years old, I thought everyone dreamed in color. So what does it mean when your dreams are full of bright vivid color with neon signs and blood-red lipstick and scenarios in Times Square at night? Does that mean I'm overly temperamental or that my imagination is extremely overactive? I've shared some of my dreams with therapists and counselors over the years and every time I get the same look of surprise on their faces. That look that says, "Damn, kid. You're nuts."

Truthfully, it all just makes me tired and wish that I was back in bed, sleeping peacefully... with no dreams at all.

The entry is finally finished, baby! All the details from our trip to New York.. and then some! So go on over and enjoy.. :-)

(If you'd like the password, just ask me. Chances are, I'll say yes.)

Then again, sometimes my dreams have a sense of humor.

I've been itching to change this site around a little bit. I don't know if I'll actually get around to it or not... but if you show up one day and the colors are all wonky, you'll know why. I was bored and needed a change.

This is just too close to my hometown for comfort. My best friend Pasty makes regular trips around this area for her work and I have so many friends and family that stop around here to gas up before coming back into Kentucky. I hope they catch these assholes very soon. Having grown up there, I can almost guarantee you that it's some tripped-out moron going for some copycat publicity. F*%&ing assholes.

Oh wow.. someone please adopt this beautiful cat!! I mean, come on.. what a kick-ass name! :-)

Just finished watching Punch Drunk Love. Awesome.
My favorite line:
"OK. If you just give me 6 to 8 weeks I can redeem the mileage, and I can go with you wherever you have to travel."
See the film. You'll understand.

I want to post, to write, to fill this space with more than just the fluff I've been putting up for the past week or so. But you know.. I'm just too damn tired. My first day of school is one week from today and I honestly have no idea how I'm going to make it through this semester. I know I'll be going to the doctor soon enough. I know that J. and I will not rest until something is done about my health. I think maybe I am just scared... afraid that it will not be an easy fix or that it will require so many blood tests and shots that I will panic and be unable to continue with the tests and treatments.
I guess I am really just afraid that feeling this way will take away my zest for life. That is really the most terrifying element for me. That I will go to a doctor, work up the courage to make it through all the blood tests, wait for the results and then finally be told, "There's nothing wrong with you. It's in your head. Here, have an anti-depressant." Then I will come home defeated, knowing that was some of our (scarce) money wasted and that a second opinion would require us to save up for another six months.

Just finished watching Real Women Have Curves.. A wonderful film for young girls to watch, but I guess maybe I'm just a little disappointed? I don't know if I'm just used to patented Hollywood Endings, but I really wanted to see more of her story when she was in New York. I didn't necessarily need a happy ending, but I would've liked some sort of resolution. I don't know.. it just seemed like there were so many ways this film could've gone and it didn't go anywhere.. just kind of.. ended. Good, but weird.

So we made a stop at one of our favorite bookstores tonight and I got some sleep aids interesting reads for a buck a piece. Woohoo! Tiring out my eyes and exhausting my brain while lying down, and without all that annoying carpal-tunnel clicking! Yeah baby! Insomnia, kiss my ass!
Tonight, I'll be starting Nick Hornby's How To Be Good. Then maybe I'll brush up on my Shakespearean insults.

Then I might just be taking a break for the next few days. A real break with no computer time whatsoever (except for checking my email once in the morning). Reading, relaxing, resting, recharging, trying to prepare for the upcoming fall semester. Hopefully in the next few days I will be depositing a financial aid check and then heading for the doctor as soon as possible. I'm tired of living this way and I'm beyond the point of caring about needles and tests anymore. I just want this crap to stop and I'm going to make taking care of myself my first priority for the next few weeks. My postings my be scarce.. but hopefully you will understand.
If not, then well.. you are a lubberly pigeon-livered pig-nut!! Oh yeah.. This book is my new best friend. ;-)

Finally.. here are my entries for 26 Things!

Love You Food New
Animal Scape Sound Construction
Home Time Transport Light
Water Color Signage Numbers
Authority Symmetry Empty Sunset
Weather Communication Little Things
Footwear Money Monument

Oh what? You know I'm always late with this stuff. ;-)

Today has been a very good day. That's probably why I haven't been online all day (woohoo!). My energy level has been up since I woke this morning and I haven't really had to stop and rest much. Driving around, running errands and listening to happy summer music... all without too much tired crankiness and cool a/c in my car. :-)
So, in accordance with this gift of energy, I decided to drive down to the school and make sure everything was okay with my financial aid. Apparently, the residual checks have been mailed and all is good. (or so they say, I always take the stuff that office gives me with a grain of salt.) Hopefully that means I can make a doctor's appointment very soon.
In the meantime, I decided to check out the bookstore and get an estimate of how much my books are going to cost this semester. I am fulfilling my foreign language requirement this year and learning Italian. A language I have always loved (Fellini films are great turn-ons for me.. but that's a different story) and wanted to speak fluently. Most of my books are in the normal but still ridiculous price range, as most college books are. My Italian book however? $135.00. I stood in the bookstore and laughed and laughed. I do believe I'll be looking for it elsewhere, but still.. that's crazy, right?

I called my mom to see if my financial aid checks had arrived in the mail yet at her house (she is listed as my permanent address for tuition purposes) and was discussing the prices of my books with her. She asked what foreign language I was taking and I told her about my interest in Italian and the ludicrous price of my book. She laughed and said, "Shit! A hundred-and-thirty-five dollars for a book you can't even read!"
And we absolutely burst into wild fits of laughter. This is why I love my mother. She is the funniest damn woman in the world sometimes and no one can make my stomach hurt from laughter like she can.

I've been off enjoying life. Hope you don't mind. Of course, with my sweetie home to help out full-time now, it makes things a little nicer and easier. Not to mention, having a nice fat student loan check to help us out financially for a bit. School starts Monday and I'm actually getting the chance to do back-to-school shopping. Woohoo! And even when life gets too exhausting or my system starts to crash, it's okay because I finally have the money to see a doctor and set up an appointment and I have someone to walk the dog for me if I don't feel up to it myself.
So, if you'll excuse me... I'm off to relish my last few days of freedom (and the past few days of good health I've had) before my brain is taken over by the Zombies of Academia-ville. Hope your weekend is just as enjoyable as mine has been. :-)

I just finished watching VH1's documentary on Warren Zevon and his fight with terminal cancer while he makes the last album of his life. I haven't cried that hard in a long time. I also never realized just how badly I don't want to waste my time on this planet.
I've watched uncles die from cancer again and again. I know that it is a prominent disease in my family and it has always scared me. Yet, I have always allowed my fears to keep me from going to the doctor when I need to. I guess I have always assumed there would be time for that later. Well.. never again. I am scheduling a serious appointment as soon as possible and I am going to have my health checked while I have the money. This financial aid money that has landed in my lap is something I consider a great gift and I'll be damned if I'm going to waste another minute figuring out what to do with it. I think the answer is obvious... and I don't want to waste anymore time. I'm afraid I may have wasted too much time already and I couldn't stand to live with any regrets while staring in the face of death.
Naturally though.. my first order of business was buying the album.

"Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for a while
If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for a while..."

"Keep Me in Your Heart"
-- Warren Zevon

Sometimes I just want to strangle him. Sometimes life is just too much for me to deal with. Sometimes I wish I could float out of my tired and exhausted body and take a little vacation from the world and come back only when I feel better and people actually give a damn about me and my feelings. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to even say this. Sometimes I wish that people would just pay attention and then actually notice and give a shit when I'm feeling stressed, without me having to lay it out in black and white. Sometimes I wish I had one single person in this world that truly understood me and was responsible enough to truly care for me at the same time. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to constantly make that trade-off between relying on irresponsible people that completely understand me or relying on really mature, nice people that never understand what the hell I'm talking about. Sometimes I wish I could stop wishing and just be and never say another word and that everyone would still love me. Sometimes I wish life wasn't so conditional.

Originally written Tuesday afternoon...

[blabbering thoughts] I really need to do positives because I haven't done them in a while and I'm a little rusty, but I'm trying to spend less time on the computer because it's sucking the life out of my day and killing my wrist and I really need to get dressed before J. gets back from walking Gypsy and we have to go run errands because I have some stuff to do and I still have to call my dad but that might take a while and I might have to postpone that yet again because I have a class tonight that I don't really feel up to going to because yesterday was a long grueling hell that zapped my energy... but you know? That's that.[/blabbering thoughts]

Um, yeah.. it's Wednesday and I'm feeling better. Oh, wait...

-- It's wednesday and I'm feeling better! (see? that's a positive!)
-- Getting excited about learning Italian and not feeling so overwhelmed
-- Having money to spend thanks to financial aid
-- Being able to buy books with no hassle or worries and also a nice new backpack that I desperately needed
-- Having J. home to help out around the house and being able to meet him for lunch and wake up next to him daily
-- Coming home from a tired day of class and seeing that J. cleaned the house for me :-)
-- Having a funny phone conversation with my mom last week
-- Buying a wonderful new pair of leather boots that make me feel sexy and powerful (oh, how I loooove boots.. soft Italian leather knee-highs that lace up the back with a sexy heel.. *rowwwrrr, baby!* [my apologies to the cows])
-- Having new books to read and help me sleep at night
-- Visiting my mom and enjoying some home-cooked chili at her house last week
-- Seeing an old friend in one of my classes! :-)
-- So far I have some cool professors
-- Spending less time on the computer and more time in the 'real world'
-- Watching a beautiful special on VH1 last week that I really enjoyed and being able to buy the cd
-- Seeing J. so happy and relaxed now that he doesn't have to deal with his soul-sucking hell-job anymore
-- New black stretch-jeans that make me feel beautiful ;-)
-- J. is currently at a job interview! (cross your fingers!!)
-- Having a nice car to drive to school every day
-- Watching as Gypsy becomes older, more mature, calmer and more disciplined and knowing that it's all a result of our hard work
-- Since Gypsy is calmer now, we can finally spend some good quality time with the cats more often and not leave them feeling neglected
-- This stuff
-- Petsmart (Oh, Petsmart.. what would we do without you?)
-- Jeff getting paid three days early last week (a very nice surprise!)
-- Visiting my old friend Beckie when I was home a few weeks ago and having a very nice visit
-- Relaxing, spending more time reading before bed instead of online
-- Learning to stick to good sleeping habits, despite what I want to do instead
-- Long weekend this weekend!
-- and possibly it will be spent in Michigan on a lake with J.'s family :-)
-- Not being afraid to drop a class if the workload seems like too much
-- Not being afraid to speak up and say 'I don't understand' if I don't
-- Feeling good the past few days with a moderate energy level
-- Managing my time better so that I can study instead of just cram
-- Preparing for Mercury Retrograde (tomorrow) the best way I can.. with lots and lots of extra time and patience and data backing-upping ;-)
-- Finally getting started on a 100 Things list
-- Doing the academic breakdown and realizing that I am only a year from being a done! wooooohoooo! :-D
-- Getting psyched for Halloween already.. hell yeah, baby!
-- Laughing hysterically with J. while looking online for a Halloween costume for Gypsy and imagining how hilarious she would look as a giant daisy
-- Having nice home-cooked lunches with J. during my mid-day break
-- Being able to finally buy J. a book he's desperately needed for a while now
-- Cool a/c when it's 94 degrees outside with 88% humidity
-- Spending our money wisely, paying off credit cards and saving the rest
-- I have a roof over my head
-- I have food to eat and clean water to drink
-- I have happy and healthy animals that love me and I love them
-- I have an understanding man in my life that makes me his priority
-- I have the power to believe in myself during the worst of times
-- I have the courage to try harder and be unafraid of difficulties should they arise
-- I have me and I am proud of who I am :-)

Errrrrghhh!!! Sorry for the wonkiness of this site right now. I actually have it coded correctly, but MT has gone mad on me and suddenly my changes are no longer visible so I'll have to finish it in the morning. I'm starting to have Blogger flashbacks... Right now, I'm falling asleep sitting up and I really need to get to bed. Oh, and I'm having my blood drawn tomorrow (Thursday) at 10:20am and I'm trying desperately to keep myself busy so that I don't think so much. Please, send me good vibes and wish me luck and courage around that nasty needle?

Wtf? Now I've got black extra large print? Mamma mia!

Damn you Mercury Retrograde!! Damn you to Hell!! Why must you taunt me so?

Update:
Ahhhh... there. Nevermind. All better now. See? I can't decide if I want to swim in the ocean or touch the clouds.. :-)

Bookmarklets | MOVABLE TYPE

Wow. This has to be one of the strangest news stories I've heard in a long, long time. Wild.

Where in the hell are my archives and why can't I get them to show up on this page?
Erg.
I've been working on it for months and can't find the damn problem.
Erg. Erg. Erg.

Thanks to Michele, I now have something cooler to say in traffic rather than my typical, "What the fuck are you doing, moron?"

"Ares, God of War, be praised! I shall traumatize the entire planet!"

So.. what's your battle cry?

And then we have...

Bookmarklets | MOVABLE TYPE

Please, please, please.. someone buy me this? Hee hee.. :-)

Ah.. how to explain the last week. Not particularly chaotic, just a little draining. I am slowly getting back into the swing of school-life again and even though my classes are mostly run-of-the-mill difficult and/or general requirement classes, I'm actually not bored yet. This is big. I usually get bored in the first class. However, this semester seems like it's going to be very challenging, but hopefully very rewarding if I can stick it out. The only reason I wouldn't would be because of my fatigue/lack of energy issues. Oh, and speaking of that...

The doctor's appointment was a bust. I was all psyched and strong and ready to get out of bed early to go have my blood drawn when the doctor's office called and asked to reschedule. I told them, "Nevermind," and went back to sleep. I thank you for any vibes that were sent my way that day though. Like I said, I really was ready to go in there and get it over with and wasn't really afraid at all... so if you were sending me some courage or good thoughts, thank you. I think it helped.
Strangely though, since school has started, my energy level has been surprisingly good. I don't know if it's just adrenaline or what, but even though I end the day tired, I'm not fighting to get to sleep and I'm not so exhausted I can't walk. I'm not completely ruling out some sort of serious medical condition or a doctor's visit. I'm just waiting to see if it gets horribly bad again and if so, I will be at the doctor with bells on. Actually, it seems to get horrendous during the two weeks leading up to my period, so I'm just kind of watching the calendar and waiting now.

Funny, it's 10:43am, the house is quiet and dark and it feels like it's about 7am. We had a rainy night all night so there's not really any sun coming in the windows or anything. It's just so dark and quiet. I can hear J.'s breathing in the bedroom, Gypsy's comically-loud snoring beside him, the cats are snoozing everywhere and there isn't a sound. Actually, it just kind of makes me sleepy. Nothing like sleeping in on a rainy Saturday... pure heaven.