Burlap Soul

Purely for Nicole.. (kidding, kidding..) and also because I am sunburned and my throat is raw from screaming on various ass-kicking roller coasters today.. and, well, it's been a long day and my brain is fried. Ah hell, it's just a fun meme. Do you really need a reason?

We had an amazing time at Kings Island on Monday. I don't necessarily feel like writing about it here (it's been a rough couple of days on my body and my arms are feeling it), but J. does a wonderful job of sharing the experience over at his place. I thought we had a great time, but apparently J. had loads of fun. Two days later, he is still telling me, "I had fun with you Monday. It was a perfect day."

In the meantime, I'm off to Italian class and then Biopsych and then later tonight Art History. Wednesdays are very full (and very tiring) days for me. Luckily though, my Thursdays are empty so I can sleep in.. ahhh, yeah. :-)
Arrivederci! (ooh, I'm getting so good at Italian, aren't I? hee hee.. ;-)

Look at this! I mean, fucking look at it!! Why in the hell do I do this shit? Until it hurts? Until it damages me to no end? Why, why, why??

I can't even type very well right now because the band-aids make my fingers slip over the keys. Oh, fuck it. I'm taking these sonsabitches off. I'm tired of just putting up barricades so that I can't do it anymore. So that I can't feed my compulsion. I want to know why I do it in the first place and then I want to know how to stop it.. on my own. I have analyzed and analyzed the shit out of why I do this and why I do it so incessantly and so willfully. I know it has a lot to do with my constant need for perfection, every little jagged edge needing to be filed or completely chewed off before I go completely insane picking at it. However, the more I grow and understand that perfection isn't something I'm so hungry for anymore.. the more I wonder if it isn't something entirely different and I've been approaching it the wrong way all this time.

We're getting ready to head to my hometown for my dad's 46th birthday this weekend. (Yes, I was a teenage pregnancy, thank you very much.) I have no band-aids on my fingers, I have no nail polish on, I have nothing but my own willpower and determination. I am starting my goals out small. I am going to try like hell not to file, pick or bite my fingernails at all for one entire weekend. I am going to do my homework, I am going to hang out with some old friends, I am going to enjoy time with my family. I am not going to stress out and worry. I am not going to space out in front of the tv. I am not going to sit and stare at the 'imperfect' jagged edges of my poor ragged nails. Basically, I am going to do whatever I have to do to keep my hands from being idle and to keep my thoughts off of obtaining a nail file or biting my fingers... at. all. costs.
Ah, hell.. let's just hope I don't start smoking.

Wish me luck. If I come back victorious, you'll see pictures. It will be a stellar moment and I will be a proud papa. You won't be able to shut me up. If I don't come back victorious.. well, I guess the bitching will resume. Or therapy.. whatever. Hope you have a wonderful weekend. ;-)

Some people tell me it's OCD
but the truth is that it's an inner war with me
Riding away the waves of anxiety
Fighting off the power of the memories

Waging a war to keep away the cold
Fighting the fight that makes me feel so old
Dealing with the demons as they come to crush my soul
Being a control freak and having no control

So I bite and I bite and I pull and I pull and the damage is already done
Ripping off fingertips and nursing scars that will never be undone
A scar is a scar is a scar they say, the demons coming from behind the sun
You will never be rid of us, never be free, our wounds can never be outdone

I protest and smile and feel free, reaching momentary zen
I know that life can be better because I have seen it every now and then
You aren't any bigger than I am, I say, driving it into the core of them
Watching as a lifetime of inner monsters battle it out in my head

People say the battles are the toughest parts, but I disagree
Sitting on the sidelines, powerless in the game, is the worst part for me
Having to be Atlas, holding up the playing field, stuck in constant impartiality
Feeling the constant tug and pull, wondering when the demons will finally flee
Wondering if I will make them too tired to stay, or if I will be the one that is overcome by fatigue

I've noticed that writing out the bad memories makes them become more gray
Fading into the background so they're no longer so compelled to stay
But do I honestly have enough courage to write all those memories away?
Would all of them really leave? Or would just the most dangerous ghosts stay?

Maybe I could rid myself of the harsh words, the emotions that always follow
Re-living, re-writing, re-experiencing, re-exorcising.. trying not to swallow
Bile resides in every one of my dreams, full of bitter curves and dark hollows
Ex-stepmothers on every turn, in front, behind, grabbing, pouncing, waiting to follow

I've had all the necessary therapy, received all the proper diagnoses
I've taken all the prescribed medications, SSRI's from A to Z
I've stopped the drugs because the side effects were worse than the dreams
I've carried the baggage and lived a life that is riddled with mental disease

Understanding is the tool to happiness, they tell me
Forgive your abusers and you too can be free
I don't think I am that strong, I don't think I am that naive
I know that it would make no difference if I did for they never bothered to forgive me

Perhaps that is the hardest part of this journey that I am on
Living a life of constant uphill struggle, searching for that warm sun
Knowing that during all of my pain, all of my victories won
That I am still nothing to them, these abusers that now have new daughters and sons
Knowing that they do not think of me, do not regret the paths they've run

Realizing that someday my own children will ask me for stories of my childhood fun
And I will have to think of these demons eternally and be reminded of a time without love

Just so you know, I haven't chewed my nails in nearly two days. They're not beautiful or anything yet.. but at least they have edges to them now. That's a big deal in my world. Oh, and I think I got a perfect score on my Italian quiz the other day and I'm actually doing homework and not procrastinating on assignments.
Yeah, it's the little things.. So, life isn't so bad, just daunting. I, however, am more daunting and can kick life's ass right back when needed. We have a wonderful love-hate relationship that way. ;-)

I've already given Rasee my one word in an email, but I'll repeat it here: Brave. I admire anyone that assumes responsibility for his/her emotions like she does...

So now it's your turn. As Rasee has instructed... "In a comment sum up your thoughts about me in one word. Then put this in your own journal to see what everyone thinks of you."
You heard the woman.. go for it.

And.. as long as I'm passing the meme-doobie around, I figured who better to get a great buzz from than Jules, right? Enjoy...

Warren Zevon, John Ritter and Johnny Cash... all gone in a space of one week.

I've been listening to my Warren Zevon cd all week and wondering about death and how exactly I feel about it. I watched John Ritter's new show last week for the first time and I remember being surprised at how funny it actually was and wanting to catch it again this week... then hearing the news this morning on the radio and thinking What the fuck?

But mostly..

I remember my dad trying to teach me how to play Folsom Prison Blues on the guitar when I was twelve. I remember thinking that I'd rather sing along with those ultra-cool lyrics rather than play the chords that hurt my fingers. I remember my dad always making us laugh when he would do his 'Daddy sang bass' line in his best Johnny Cash voice. I remember debating with my dad about the most beautiful Johnny Cash song. To this day, I still want Flesh and Blood played at my wedding. I remember gaining a whole new appreciation for him when I was a goth-punk-teenager and he decided to cover Glenn Danzig. I remember my dad getting all googly-eyed over my Johnny Cash box sets that I received for Christmas a few years ago and picking out the songs he wanted me to copy for him. I remember sitting at my family's home in Eastern Kentucky at 2am and seeing the "Hurt" video come on for the first time. I remember being so moved at the strength of this man I had come to worship throughout my life. In that moment, I realized that he wasn't going to be on this planet much longer. I realized that death comes eventually, no matter who you are and that legends don't live forever as I would like. I realized that I would never be able to accurately explain the power of Johnny Cash to my children and that someday I wouldn't even be able to have my dad sing them a song in order to illustrate this brilliance, as he had always sang to me when I couldn't understand.
Today I remember coming home from class and listening as NPR played a block of songs from the Man in Black as a tribute. I remember standing in the sunbeam and staring out the window as I listened to the lyrics that shaped my childhood and my relationship with my father.

I went down, down, down.. and the flames went higher... and it burns, burns, burns.. the Ring of Fire.. the Ring of Fire

I remember hearing one of the most beautiful versions of one of the most lonely songs on the planet, hearing that driving piano and thinking of that video with images from an entire lifetime passing so quickly before your eyes and I felt the tears finally come.

You can have it all...my empire of dirt... I will let you down... I will make you hurt... If I could start again a million miles away... I would keep myself... I would find a way...

I know at some point today, my dad will call me and there will be a tired sorrow in his voice that he will try to conceal and I know he will just ask me one question.. "So, did you hear?" And I will say, "Yes." And he will sigh and say, "Yeah.. me too."

The world has changed today. Godspeed, Mr. Cash... and thank you, for everything. May you revel in the arms of your wife and friends as much as we reveled in the comfort of your music.

There's one thing that's for certain
One chord that rings true
It's a mighty world we live in
But the truth is, we're only passin' through.

-- Passin' Through (Don Henley, Earl Scruggs and of course.. Johnny Cash)

Am I the only person that isn't fulfilled with my life because I don't feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be at this point? Am I the only person in my late twenties that doesn't get some huge satisfaction out of binge-drinking and partying all the goddamn time? Am I the only person that feels stuck in a ridiculously suffocating rut where the things I really want seem so far out of reach and the things I have I never even wanted?

Everyone else seems to be moving on with their lives in such a positive fashion and hanging out with their peers at parties and making lots of money and enjoying moving into a grown-up life... while I am still in fucking college, busting my ass for a degree after ten years of on-again/off-again academic hell and changing my major three times... while we are stuck in a city that we despise and are unable to move out of because of fucking money (still!) and because of these stupid academic commitments I should've finished long ago... while we are in an actual healthy relationship and unable to cement it and do what we want to do and get an engagement ring and share our happiness with the world and buy a home together and start a life together and start to finally create a real home together, but we can't because of fucking. money. again.

All I want to do is move forward in life and it feels as though life wants to do nothing but keep me pedaling backwards, watching as everyone else goes by with smiles and optimistic dreams. All I want to do is grow old with grace and live each day with fulfillment, rather than anxiety, suffocation and exasperation about dwindling finances and oppressive surroundings. I want to grow up and move on instead of just grow old and give up.

I am busting my ass and treading water and I continue to get nowhere. The 'prosperous future' I am working so hard for seems so far away and some days it doesn't seem like it will come at all. It fucking sucks and I am fucking sick of it.

Quoted from an email to Nicole, concerning my last entry:

I do turn my anger into fuel most of the time, but it's just hard when it's 3am and you're feeling so incredibly suffocated by your current situation that you just want to scream.

So basically, I did just that. I screamed on my blog. Immediately after writing it, I felt better and went to bed. I do realize how hard I'm working and I know that it will eventually pay off... it just seems like forever and the financial struggles that J. and I have been through these past few years just seem to keep growing despite our best efforts, so it gets downright depressing sometimes.. but in the end I know it will be worth it. It's just nice to hear that other people know my frustration and that I am indeed not alone.. so thank you to everyone that commented or sent an email. Even if it was just an 'I know how you feel'.. it helps to feel somewhat validated in my frustration and to know that I am not the only disillusioned yet still struggling person out there.

As for today, however.. I'm feeling better. We are still scared shitless and worried about money and wondering how in the hell we are going to pay the rent for next month, not to mention the car payment, bills, gas for getting to and from school, etc etc.. but these worries are really nothing new. I guess maybe it's just a new day with new possibilities and we are hoping for the best. Then again, it's no longer 3am and the sun is shining, so that could very well explain everything. ;-)

-- A wonderful day in the park on Thursday with J. and Gypsy and..
-- finally getting to fly J.'s awesome kite that my mom bought for him nearly six months ago
-- Johnny Cash is at peace and no longer fighting with his body or missing his wife and..
-- I have an entire lifetime of music and memories to help keep him with me
-- Spending the weekend doing lots of nothing and taking lots of naps
-- Seeing J. go out on job interviews dressed up all snazzy and sharp in his sexy suit
-- Getting a B+ on my Italian homework!
-- Starting our plans and brainstorming for Halloween Madness 2003.. hell yeah, baby! (wow, that page really needs updated, huh? oops. ;-)
-- A new awesome Halloween store opened this year only ten minutes from our house!
-- Watching J. study his ass off for his EIT exam in October and seeing him do so well with all that horrendous level 4 calculus (math?... ewww.)
-- Being able to go home and celebrate my dad's birthday and..
-- getting him a nice wallet that he desperately needed (I'm not kidding you.. his old one was being held together with two strings and a paperclip. my dad throws nothing away.. there were receipts in there from 1998!)
-- My energy level is good, my sleep schedule is decent and I'm actually devoting time to doing homework and staying on top of assignments! wow!
-- Having a good 3-hour long phone conversation with my mom the other day about whatever and catching up and laughing the entire time
-- A full pantry and kitchen, stocked with fresh groceries
-- Preparing a surprise for a friend
-- Not beating myself up if I don't feel good enough to go to class and..
-- not stressing out if I get a little behind or don't understand
-- Watching CSI marathons with J. and having someone that loves to be a couch-detective as much as me
-- Lots of good lounging time with J. and lots of talks and laughter.. enjoying having him home more while it lasts
-- Mercury goes out of retrograde on Saturday! (damn you, fickle planet!)
-- Watching as Gypsy becomes calmer and our hard work finally begins to pay off (now if we could only do something about those destructive teeth of hers...)
-- Enjoying my yummy homemade lasagna (and leftovers!)
-- Having an outlet that helps me understand my emotions better and..
-- having wonderful online friends that send support and emails (you know who you are.. thank you!)
-- Redesigning my site with little difficulty and really liking the results (ahhh, calming blue.. how I love to love you..)
-- Taking more pictures lately and enjoying myself
-- Getting through life, despite the hurdles
-- I have a roof over my head
-- I have food to eat and clean water to drink
-- I have happy and healthy animals that love me and I love them
-- I have a wonderful family that makes me laugh
-- I have a generous, loving man in my life that wants to make our dreams come true and doesn't regret the necessary sacrifices to make that possible
-- I am feeling good and confident in myself lately and I am very proud of all the work I've done in order to be who I am :-)

Possibly the best-titled yet most confusing piece of spam I've ever received:

"Times are hard for these hoes, no money, but they have ass."

Discuss.

You know you're at the height of procrastination when you're actually considering sweeping your front porch and cleaning the house rather than study for your huge exam tomorrow.
But dammit, why should I have to sit inside with my nose pressed in the books when it's so beautiful and cool and gorgeous outside? Aaaaarrrrgghhhhh!!!

Alright, dammit. Get off this thing and study, study, study. Do it, dammit! ... Go!! ... Now!!

... NOW!!

Studying has commenced (for 5 straight hours) and is now finished.
Assignments are completed, stapled and ready to turn in.
Migraine is slowly beginning, but will most likely subside with sleep.
Neck is unable to comprehend anything but hunchback position.
Eyes are dry, exhausted and painful.
Brain is slowly disintegrating into mush.
Kitchen table is covered in eraser debris.
Hands are cramped.
Test is in 8 hours.
I can learn no more.
Wish me luck.

There are new entries over at the photolog if you're feeling so inclined. Oh, and it's all prettied up for autumn, too. ;-)

We scrimp and save and never spend a penny of my financial aid money on anything frivolous. We save every receipt from the past two months and calculate every expense and come out utterly confused. We watch our finances and budgets to the fucking penny and here we are, still penniless no matter how hard we try.

We don't have enough money to cover the rent for October. We have food, we have essentials, but we don't have enough to pay for the roof over our heads or for the transportation we need to get back and forth to school and job interviews. If something doesn't happen in the next two weeks, we could lose everything... including each other.

Sorry... Things are better since that last entry. No new developments, but an overall improvement of mood and morale among us. It's just that.. well, everything around us right now is so uncertain and full of turmoil and worry and weighted decisions.
So, I guess this place will be a little moody or downright bipolar for a little while. At least until we have some sense of security in our lives. Right now, we have nothing and everything changes in the time it takes to answer the phone, so things are chaotic and downright depressing and stationary all at the same time. Just send some good thoughts our way if you get a chance and cross your fingers for our sanity if you should feel so inclined. And if this place becomes a little too emotional for you, well I don't know what to tell you. This is me. This is my life. These are my thoughts. These are my emotions. I can't promise you endless optimism and happy entries. All I can promise is that I will be myself, mood swings and all... and that is just fine with me.

In other news, we've decided to say 'fuck it' to worrying about shit this weekend and are headed downtown to Oktoberfest with my mom and her boyfriend Mike. Certainly massive amounts of drunken people wearing lederhosen and dancing to accordion music will help lift this funk-mood we're stuck in lately. If it doesn't, then I'm afraid there's no hope for us. I'll save a weiner-schnitzel for you... or maybe just some spaetzle. (oh, come on. Just say it with me. You know you love it. ;-)

After a short dance to a song on Public Radio... my man turns to me, gives me a hug and says possibly one of the best things anyone has said to me in a while:

"I've never been so happy to be utterly destitute."

Hee hee.. I love you too, sweetie. ;-)
(By the way, have you stopped by his place lately? We cleaned it up last night and made it all purty 'n stuff. Woo-boy, look at all 'dem goofy colors!)

Today is the first day of autumn. Usually, I feel uplifted and refreshed by this. Fall is probably my favorite season. Today however.. I don't know. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I'm feeling very, well.. neglected. Maybe 'left behind' is a better way of putting it.
There's just so much chaos and uncertainty going on around us lately and everything revolves around J. and jobs and money and 'networking' (god, what a stupid word) with his old friends back in Detroit and I see him so cheerful when he gets to talk to his buddies again and laugh with them on the phone and I'm happy for him... but I guess I also just feel so left out.

There's a little entry over at the photolog, but it doesn't contain photos. I just needed to vent and didn't feel like dealing with the search engine crap and the trolls that would likely result from my post. If you don't want to read it, I won't be offended.

Oooh.. 12 hour school day.
Me no think now.
Brain go poof.
Time for quizzes.

Have I mentioned that nothing turns me on more than the sound of heavy rainfall? Especially at 2am or early in the morning. Of course, if I'm not turned on, then I'm usually sleeping like a baby to that soothing lullaby. It's pouring rain outside right now and it's everything I can do to keep from opening every window in the house and rejoicing in the feel of that electric wind passing between the raindrops.

Sometimes I am absolutely terrified of just how much I love him and just how much I'm willing to fight to the death in order to never admit it. Survivors can never depend on anyone else or allow any room for weaknesses, or else they are vulnerable and possible victims again. Being vulnerable is somehow the worst sin at all in my world, even though I would never tell you that. Admitting that you love someone and allowing yourself to love them fully and with your entire soul and spirit is still the scariest thing of all to me. Cracking open that exoskeleton and allowing those innards to show through, exposed to the elements however harsh or pleasant they may be... it's all just too scary for words. I am amazed sometimes at just how much armor I continue to wear and how many layers I have yet to chisel through. Even more so, I am petrified of the day when I tap into another layer and realize that I have finally broken through and am now only tapping that inner soft lining that leads to my own heart.

Why must I be confronted with nightmares back to back? I can go for weeks on end with nothing too horrid or memorable, but then suddenly I'll get slammed with one horrendous nightmare after another all in one night. I hate it when my subconscious plays catch-up and screws up my mornings all in one fell swoop. Bastard.
The funny part is waking up with a gasp and turning to see Gypsy and J. both snoring away beside me. Then the bewildered look on Gypsy's face when I hug her so tight her eyes might pop out.

So, what do you do when the field that you're studying isn't what you really want to do? What do you do when you're too far along to change course or quit? What do you do when debt has the power to abruptly end everything and leave you with no choice?

We live in a strange paradox around here lately. Our rent is late. Our air-headed, snobby landlady is having fits and acts as though 'we don't have money for rent' is not a concept she's ever heard of or even knows how to handle. However, my family has been made aware of our situation and really wants to help us, but they're all broke. I expected as much. My family has never even been remotely close to middle-class, but my mom has rolled pennies and given me bags of loose change so that I would have gas money, even when she couldn't afford to do so. J.'s family? Well, that's a different story. His sister makes six-figures a year and acts as though loaning us $100 is something we should feel horribly guilty for even asking for.. and then gives J. constant lectures on managing his money. She's an accountant so it's obvious she's always in need. Obviously, none of them have ever been engineers in a screwed-up job market and a bad economy.