Burlap Soul

Okay.. so I need some new reading material and I'm taking suggestions.

I picked up some random $1 books at our favorite book store back in July and I have to say I was sorely disappointed. I really thought I would get a kick out of Nick Hornby's How To Be Good, but I just kept thinking it would be much better as a movie so that it wouldn't seem to drag on forever. It kind of sucked too, because I really liked About A Boy and I had high hopes. Then I read Cormac McCarthy's All the Pretty Horses and thought I was going to overdose on romantic melodrama and vomit before I got to the third chapter. Eventually, I'm going to refresh my memory on Tolkien and re-read the Lord of the Rings trilogy and The Hobbit. However, in the meantime, since I've recently dropped a class that required way too much damn reading anyway (and all about one topic, might I add), I now have some time before bed to kick back and get some good leisurely reading done. And right now, I'll take whatever type of escapism I can get.
So, give me your suggestions, but keep in mind I have a few guidelines:

And I'll be honest here.. anything I read now is basically just a sad way to kill time until this beautiful baby arrives. Plus, there's no guarantee that I'll be able to buy the books you might suggest, but I do have a library card and that's like a key to the forbidden city, right?

So, have at it.. you know what to do. ;-)

God bless my mom. I went down today to see her and she gave me $20 that she didn't really have and then sat with me while we rolled all the pennies in her giant change tin. Ironically, since she knows what it's like to be truly poor, she wasn't giving up any of her silver coins. We ended up rolling about $20 in pennies, which we then determined was a new record. She gave it all to me and then sent me home with dog biscuits for Gypsy. After we were finished, she starts looking intently into the bottom of the change tin and then says to me, "Wow. I don't think I've seen the bottom of this thing in years! Good thing I've got a steady paycheck nowadays or else it would've been empty before you ever got here!" No one cracks me up like my mother.

J. is currently on his way home from his job interview in Chicago and should be home any minute. Apparently it went well, which is kind of what we hoped and then also what we feared. We don't want to have to live 5 hours apart from each other, but it seems like the only option that's available to us right now. On his way home, he called me at my mom's to let me know he was headed home. You'd think he would've immediately told me how the interview went or where he was or something to that effect, but nope. The first words out of his mouth?

"I don't know if I'll be home in time to catch CSI with you, but I'll certainly try."

Emailing each other about the plot twists of X-Files, spending our first dates falling in love while watching old tapes of MST3K and now CSI together. Does that boy know the key to my heart or what? ;-)

Just thought I should let you know that I'll be preparing this place for Halloween, baby!! Autumn over the next few days. So, are you ready?

(You can thank these guys for the pretty face.)

So I changed my mind and decided to go for a fall look instead. Basically I realized I needed to learn some more html code and such for my Halloween layout to work. Yeah, I stole it from my photoblog, but I figure this will become a full-blown Halloween layout around mid-October sometime, so I might as well enjoy these pretty colors while they last. Until Haunting Time, this will have to do... Truthfully, I like it. :-)

So.. can you find the beagle in this picture? She cracks me up sometimes. Even in the deepest stages of sleep, she still has to be able to smell everything or she simply cannot rest.

We prayed together today. And I don't mean that kind of silent praying that takes place in your bathroom at 4am when the quiet of the darkness makes you desperate for the light. No, we went to one of the oldest catholic churches in the city today and kneeled on a soft leather bench in front of Mary and prayed and cried and prayed and cried some more. On our first date, I took J. up to that church and we stood in front of it solely for the fantastic view and had one of our first real kisses. We've returned to this spot every year on our anniversary on New Year's Eve (no matter how cold or windy it may be) and taken a picture of ourselves in front of this beautiful church. We've marveled at how gorgeous it is and how old those steps are, but we've never actually gone inside.
Today we did. We also decided that if we do decide to marry indoors someday, this will be the church we marry in.

I'm not catholic. I'm not religious. I'm not even that spiritual really... but I do know a presence when I feel one. I've never been comfortable in a church in my entire life, but walking in there today was as comfortable and as peaceful as I've ever felt. Today, as lost and as frightened as we were, kneeling on that bench, clenching each other with the utmost desperation and praying with our eyes closed tightly shut and tears streaming down our cheeks, I swear I felt someone come and put their arms around us and give us a huge, warm embrace.

Okay.. well, sitting on this thing certainly isn't getting anything done, now is it, Staz? Must .. pull .. away .. screen .. so .. hypnotic ....
Sometimes I swear my keyboard has been laced with crack. It's those damn gnomes again.

Oh, what an interesting day this has been.

So we started out the day being bored off our asses and sitting online in our pajamas because we can't afford to do anything or go anywhere. Then we were arguing because our anxieties over money were leaving us frazzled. Then we were sitting at the kitchen table trying to figure out how to buy enough groceries to survive for the next few days without having our debit card declined at the grocery store for 'insufficient funds.' (J.'s brother is sending us some survival money, but it likely won't get here until Friday... hence our grocery dilemma.) Then, as we were downgrading our grocery list from nice-lasagna-that-will-last-for-a-few-days-mode to we-can-live-off-of-chicken-rice-and-vegetables-for-another-week-mode, something strange happened.

The phone rang. And it wasn't a creditor.

Some days you're the bird. Some days you're the statue.

There. That about sums my day up.

Oh, and traffic court sucks and the people at Best Buy are fucking morons.

The End.

Hi, my name's Staz and I'm ... I'm ... well, I'm hopelessly addicted to ER. I know every plot twist, I know every turn, I know exactly how every episode and every season is going to play out.. yet I continue to watch. I'm shamelessly hooked on John Carter the melodrama.

Please.. can someone help me? Is this fixable? Or should I just secretly feed my addiction and keep it to myself? You know.. if you say yes, I won't tell.

Don't tell me this little bugger's not cute as hell. I am fully stocked on kitties for the moment... but this shelter is only 20 minutes from my house and I'd gladly pick her up for you if you like. Just say the word. ;-)

It's been a long day, complete with arguments, making up, new resolutions, headaches, new possibilities and amazing acts of kindness from friends... but really, right now? I just need a brain-break.

Who's up for veg-time in front of the telly? ;-)

(Oh come on.. I promise I'll give you complete control of the remote as long as we don't have to watch the Lifetime channel.)

How cool is this? We went to a big used book sale at a library in Kentucky yesterday and there wasn't a single book over $1.00. Hell yeah, baby.

You wanna know what I got, right? Yeah, I thought so.

The Pilot's Wife by Anita Shreve
Jewel by Bret Lott
Midwives by Chris Bohjalian
We Were the Mulvaneys by Joyce Carol Oates
She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb (currently reading)
and J. got:
Eye of the Needle by Ken Follett

I've been curious about all of these for a while, since I don't think I've ever read anything from Oprah's book club (except The Lovely Bones) but I couldn't believe they were all there for so cheap...

So, all these books that will keep me busy (or put me to sleep, either way I win) for the next two months... for how much? $29.95? $19.95? $15.95? Nope.. $2.00. Yep, two dolla. Granted, we stood in the corner in a huddle and dug through our pockets first and eventually paid in dimes.. but still, it's all good, baby! Aight? (Sorry, I watched Save the Last Dance last night on tv and now I can't stop talking this way. Is there an I-watched-a-ghetto-movie-but-I'm-horribly-white-and-try-to-talk-ghetto-anyway-and-fail-miserably Support Group somewhere? Hmm.. that's a funny image. I do want to see the meetings for that group.)

Also, in a twist of the strangest irony, I received a Best Buy gift card last week as a free gift for maxing out my Mastercard. Whaaa?? I like how it plainly states on the back of the Best Buy card in bold print: "This card cannot be used for payment on any credit card." Guess that answered my question right there.

So, even after my Best Buy fiasco, I still came away with two CDs I really wanted and have thoroughly enjoyed so far...

So, let's see, what else? J.'s first day of work is Monday and guess what he gets to do on his first day of work? Drive to Cleveland with his boss and stay for four days! Yep... sleeping in and midday naps together are officially a thing of the past. *sigh* Bittersweet.. but worth it.

So, I'll be hanging around here by myself for the next few days. Could be traumatic, could be interesting, could be more than I can handle, could be just what I need. One never knows. However, I do have some good new music, lots of good new reads and a seemingly never-ending supply of friends here, whose generosity knows no bounds. I am thankful for that and mostly, I am thankful for today... for the sun has come out and the leaves are turning beautifully and the knots in our stomachs are slowly loosening. We are finally learning to smile again. It's a good day. Hope yours is too. ;-)

The fact that her name is Mable and she is described as friendly makes all the difference. I cannot stop laughing.

Some days the rain comes
Some days I sit on a mental fence
Some days I wish I'd had a hand to hold
Some days I think it would've made all the difference

Some days I am sad and I don't know why
It comes on suddenly, this urge to cry
Being a woman is harder than it looks
Cyclical damage, hormones that crash and then fly

I can't explain it..
We watch cable, we have a roof over our heads
We live of a life of getting by, but desires are dangled just out of our reach
No need for millions, no need for extravagant wealth
Just more stability, a home of our own, a life that isn't only about needs

All I've ever wanted is a big back porch with a rocking chair
To sit and rock during an autumn rainstorm
Looking out over lush hills and Kentucky landscapes
Listening to nothing but the sound of those drops on a tin roof
Having an inner peace because I would finally feel at home

I suppose that's part of it,
The mode that lies in the middle of this mean
50% of it within my own heart
The rest, scattered points of reflection and desire skewed around me

All I want is a quiet life
A life without misery and pain and worry and sorrow
A life where all we think about is living
and not what or if we'll be eating tomorrow

We've worked so hard to overcome so much
We've struggled through drastic differences and come out okay
Yet, still I am terrified of a man's physical touch
and we've yet to begin planning for our wedding day

We're stronger now than ever before
but there is so much ahead of us
Poverty is nothing I haven't seen already
It's the possibility of calmness that breaks my trust

If there isn't chaos in the world
then how can I control it?
Even when things get better
will we be able to hold it?

Will I still feel the same way I do in ten more years?
Does time change us in a way that we cannot return to?
Will I be forty-five and still working to handle these same old fears?
Will we still like each other after everything we've gone through?

The fact that I cannot predict life disturbs me
Yet I am constantly reminding myself to live for the now
But free-falling through life has thrown me and thrown me and thrown me
And I am now beginning to consider that I don't know how

I've searched for God in the strangest of places
The empty love of boys, the darkest of my days
Their empty promises, their laughing faces
No remorse, vanishing from my life without any pain

I've spent many days talking to myself
Trying in vain to prove to those horrible ghosts
That they did not hurt me, that I have moved on
Lying to myself, living my days in a personal hell

I know through therapy and through many journal entries
That I don't need approval they're not willing to give
Yet it's hard to convince your brain that you have the keys
When it's constantly trying to redeem itself, trying to re-live

I re-enact so many moments in my head
That time I cried in front of that bastard that didn't deserve my tears
That time I let him back into my life and felt as though I was dead
That time I sat and tried to talk to someone that wouldn't hear me for years
That time I stayed silent when something should've been said

It always starts this same way, That time I...
because it always comes back to me and my regrets
So many times I needed nourishment in my life
But harsh laughter and constant pain are something the brain never forgets

Every night I have flashbacks of a childhood that wasn't
Every day I fight off the demons again
Every now and then I remember where I am and where I wasn't
And wish that I could somehow go back there again

I don't know that I would change anything
That I would even try to change my past
But maybe I would hold that girl while she's crying
And tell her that this pain doesn't have to last

Tell her that she's good enough
Tell her that there are people that are proud of her
Tell her that she can have anything she wants
As long as she feels the sun and doesn't let those clouds completely cover her

Tell her that those greek gods of torture in her world
They aren't permanent fixtures
That she can keep herself, be a strong independent girl
And that I will be waiting for her in a happier future

Some days the rain comes
Some days I sit on a mental fence
Some days I wish I'd had a hand to hold
Some days I think it would've made all the difference

So I had to participate in this quiz I stole from Nicole... I mean, duh. It's a quiz, after all.

I don't want him to go tomorrow. In truth, he's the only thing that keeps me warm on cold days like these. I'll be okay. It's just lonely sometimes without the warmth of the sun.

He calls me from a hotel somewhere in Northern Ohio.

"They have a pool here. On a whim this morning, I packed my trunks. I just swam in it. It was niiiiiiice."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah... and I had it alllll to myself, but I missed you. You should be here."
"Why? So I can swim? I don't know that I would be swimming."
"No.. there's a great big king-size bed here and I have to sleep in it by myself. That's not right."
"Why not? Just stretch out. Enjoy yourself."
"I can't. I should be next to you and pinned down by three warm cat bodies. It feels weird."
{laughter}
"So what did you have for dinner?"
"We had steaks at Applebee's on the company credit card. It was verrrry goooood."
"So this was your first day of work?"
"Yeah... wow."
"You like it so far?"
"I think I do. They actually seem to like me here. Oh, and I looked all around and couldn't find a single person I didn't really like."
"Wow, sweetie. That's good, right?"
"I think so. Did Chicago call back yet?"
"No."
"Oh."
"Did you want them to call?"
"Well... um... I was just hoping that I had some more time to enjoy this job before I had to make a decision."
"Oh yeah? So you like it?"
--pause--
"Yeah. I think I do."
Then as he says that last sentence, I can hear the contented smile in his voice. I smile too. He's finally happy and so am I.

There's a boatload of new entries over at the photolog if you're interested... finally. ;-)

Once again, it's Autumn. Once again, I'm sent into introspective yet strangely revitalized mode. Once again, it's accompanied (and sometimes triggered) by John Mayer.

Driving home today, watching the sun cascade off of I-471, noticing Autumn's canvas brighten every day we get further into October.. I was listening to his new cd and fighting off the same demons I've been dealing with since J.'s trip to Cleveland. I was thinking about the fact that I had to call J. last night in his hotel room at 2am because I was horribly panicked and couldn't sleep from fear of someone breaking into the house while I was alone and vulnerable. I was driving home from class and diving into my fear and really trying to figure out my entire complex over sleeping in this house by myself... really trying to get through it so that I can sleep peacefully tonight. I was thinking about why I am so hard on J. Why I continue to build walls around myself and make more demands on those that I love and everyone around me and then complain that I am lonely because they aren't willing enough to break through my steel walls.

1. Name five things in your refrigerator. Coconut milk, pineapple chunks (both for smoothie-making), 1/4th of a tube of chocolate chip cookie dough, Catsip Real-Milk (for the kitties), and some strawberry milk (as a treat for me).

2. Name five things in your freezer. Fish fillets, french fries, frozen vegetables, Gardenburgers, and vanilla frozen yogurt (again, for smoothies).

3. Name five things under your kitchen sink. A bag of 100 tealights only 1/8th used (an impulse buy from nearly three years ago), Vanilla-scented Pledge, a handmade mosaic tile ashtray (a gift from Pasty), 25 assorted cleaning products, and one pair of rubber gloves.

4. Name five things around your computer. Get Fuzzy daily desk calendar, old childhood photos (from a project I've been working on), my digital camera, a wide assortment of pens and notebooks/notepaper/notes, and my beloved Frankenstein bobblehead (who actually sits there year-round;-).

5. Name five things in your medicine cabinet. Biore nose strips, Garfield band-aids, Dayquil, an old bottle full of Paxil (from my panic-attack days two years ago -- I only took one and said 'To hell with 'em'), and a wide assortment of flavored cough/throat drops.

Hmmm.. check out what an interesting piece of spam I received today:

"We always lusted after our den mothers when we were scouts."

Hell, at least he's original.

I mean come on.. aren't we all a little sick of "Make her cry from the size of your manhood!" ? ... Aren't we?

I fucking hate banks.

I swear... I am *thisclose* to hoarding all of our money in a jar under the bed and saying 'to hell with financial institutions' just so no one else dictates what happens to our finances but us and only us.

(That's all I'm going to say right now. At least until I've calmed down a bit.)

Update: Sometimes all it takes is for a wonderfully kind man to hold you and make you pancakes at 12:30am. Good mood is slowly returning. ;-)

There is a pall of sadness over me this weekend that I cannot explain. Friday night was good. Then, all day Saturday I didn't even get out of bed. I didn't want to. Today I've done nothing but sit and feel horribly sad and then watch mindless television and feel guilty for wasting my life in front of that tube. Then I come up here and the mere act of a cat in my lap makes me want to cry.. and cry and cry and cry some more.

It's most likely hormonal. I'll most likely come out of it in a few days. However, I don't have a few days. I have Monday and Tuesday off school and then bam! Three tests on Wednesday while J. will quite possibly be in Cleveland again and I have to take care of everything here between classes. I'm feeling so overwhelmed lately that it's suffocating me and making me not want to even get out of bed in the morning... or afternoon. I haven't felt sadness like this in years and I don't want to go back to that life... but it's so heavy and strong over me that I can't breathe. Talking, writing, assignments, preparing for the fun stuff (like Halloween) almost seems like too much. I feel as though I've lost my ability to have fun in life and that everything has become a giant 'To-Do' List and it makes me sick. Everyday tasks make me want to cry lately and I don't know what to do. I almost want to throw my hands up and go back to bed or just run away.

I don't hate depression. I don't live with it chronically. It doesn't debilitate me. I no longer fear it when it comes. I know it has an ebb and a flow, that it will pass eventually when my body straightens itself out. I just wish it was something you could live with a little more easily, like neck pain or headaches. Sometimes I wish that I could say I'm actually living my life, rather than preparing the shit out of everything and waiting for things to happen once I get my 'to-do' list completed. I honestly think this town is killing us both. We are both so incredibly sick of Cincinnati and its constant monotony and hypocrisy. We want out, but we're trapped for the moment and feel so stuck in a rut that it's killing our spirit. There's something in this house that just adds twenty pounds to your psyche the moment you walk in. We've both felt it and can't explain it. There's something in this town that just beats you down until you have no desire to change your life. Staying here from birth to death, giving up your dreams and living your life half-assed is the status quo. We see it every day in the sighs and unfulfilled expressions of every person we pass on the sidewalk. When you say something optimistic, you are immediately shot down with a cold glance of pessimism that could chill the hardest cynic.

I know that people say 'Life is a journey, not a destination.' But so far, this part of the journey really sucks and we're seriously ready for the next town.

"Happiness or Bust"... that's what our sign will read, as soon as we get the time and inclination to make one in the first place.

Everyone says life is so fragile and that might be true... but I believe that happiness is a thing even more fragile than life itself. There's a definite to life, a yes and a no. There's no definite for happiness, no given yes or no, always a system of 'somewhats' and 'kindas.' It's a fragile Faberge egg that can crack or be dropped, shattered, glued back together with visible cracks underlying its perfect facade at any moment in time, any time in our lives.

Dogs have a simple system of happiness. They know what they need and when those needs aren't met, they're not happy. Give a dog a warm place to sleep, a full bowl of food, a life filled with love and they are happy. Take away the people that love them, the shelter they need, the food that keeps them alive, they're not happy. It's that simple. Humans are so much more complex and it's all because of this neverending search for happiness, because we tell ourselves that we somehow deserve more than the basic necessities in life. And even those basic necessities become unfulfilling if they don't meet our criteria for personal comfort. It's all very fragile... shades of grey on a vast color wheel of personal fulfillment.

The truth is, I'm horribly unhappy with my life.

I can look for the positive elements around me and feel okay for all of say, twenty minutes. I can lie to myself and claim that it's because I worry too much or think too much or expect too much. I can blame it on a past full of baggage, a present full of strife or a future full of uncertainty. I can deflect any blame or rationalize all the wrongs however I wish. The honest truth? I'm not even sure where to look.

J. is out of town again this week. The cats are out of food and Gypsy is restless, so I'll be running to the store and then running around the block. My stomach is still in knots from stressing out about my Italian exam this morning (which is now blissfully completed and out of the way). Oh, and did I mention that I have classes for twelve hours straight on Wednesdays? And that I have an exam in every one of them today?

Oh, shit.. I forgot! The car's out of gas too, and I have to fill it up before my next exam.. you know, after I scrounge together something resembling a lunch while running up and down the stairs to feed all six of our animals. Aaaaahhhhhh!!!!

I know my Wednesdays are usually hell, but this is ridiculous. Please.. someone.. just make it stop!

J. is sleeping right now, but he has to get up at 5am and drive two hours to Columbus this morning. Know why? He's taking his big EIT exam today!!
It's kind of like the GRE for engineers, only harder. It's 8 hours of extremely difficult math, including 3 different levels of calculus, statistics and hundreds of formulas. (Seriously, you should see some of the practice problems he's been working on. Some of them take 3 pages of notebook paper just to work out the formulas. Just looking at that shit makes my head spin.)

This exam is a pretty big deal for us... so please, go on over to his place and send him some big brainy vibes and some good lovin'!!

You can do it, sweetie! I have faith in you! Now go whoop some academic ass! ;-)

It's officially Monday. I'm doing these now or else they'll never get done.

-- Halloween's coming, baby! Hell yeah!!! :-D
-- J. thinks he did well on his EIT exam! :-)
-- Friday was the first payday we've had in nearly two months!! :-D
-- The rent is paid!
-- The car payment is paid!
-- We have full bellies!
-- A fun phone call from J.'s friend Mark back in Detroit and..
-- lots of laughing, reminiscing and arranging a possible visit soon
-- Finally getting started on our Halloween Madness this year (yes, yes.. I know that page needs updated, but things have been so chaotic we haven't had time to do anything yet! Auugh!)
-- Gathering some new healthy recipes and not snacking late at night
-- J. picking up some leftover 'Garbage Truck Company' coloring books from his business trips these past two weeks and...
-- coloring a funny picture of a garbage truck next to New York City for me (hee!)
-- Getting my hell-week out of the way
-- Surprising J. with chinese food and The Matrix Reloaded when he got home from the EIT exam on Saturday
-- The possibility of my mom coming for dinner tomorrow night and helping to carve pumpkins with me and..
-- we're going to make some toasted pumpkin seeds (mmm...)
-- Decorating the inside of the house for Halloween, baby!
-- The site of skull centerpieces and black cats all over the house (woohoo! it's like Christmas, only better!)
-- Making new goals for myself, new realizations and finishing a very good book all in the same week
-- Late night pancakes just when I needed them
-- The premiere of 24 this week! :-)
-- Mmmmm, Panera soup in a bread bowl. [droooool....]
-- Being able to make smoothies again
-- Not having any big assignments due around Halloween (for the first time in years!)
-- Having lots of fun with my digital camera lately and really exploring the limits of my creativity
-- Rediscovering old CDs I hadn't listened to in years
-- Finding a nice old coffee table someone had thrown out on their curb tonight
-- New jobs, new opportunities, new dreams
-- Doing positives again for the first time in a month
-- J. singing to me in bed and us singing together in the car
-- Autumn and all that it brings
-- My mom bringing some cool Halloween trinkets back from Florida (more black cats for my collection ;-)
-- A hilarious Halloween card from mom, too
-- Getting the house cleaned and organized a little this weekend
-- Clean sheets and warm laundry
-- Late night grocery runs with J. and lots of laughter
-- Realizing that New Year's will be the 4 year anniversary of our first date (wow!)
-- Hearing him tell his family and friends on the phone, "I love her more now than I did three-and-a-half years ago."
-- Hearing Gypsy barking in her dreams from across the house
-- I have a roof over my head (and it's all paid for!)
-- I have food to eat and clean water to drink
-- I have happy and healthy animals that love me and I love them
-- J.'s kisses
-- J.'s hugs
-- J.'s smile
-- J.
-- Us
-- Our animal kingdom
-- Me :-)

If you're one of those people that chewed off all your fingernails watching the Red Sox/Yankees playoffs.. (Especially if you're a Sox fan) You must read today's Get Fuzzy.

Bucky Katt rocks my world. ;-)

Just found out that J. has to once again go out of town for three days this week for work. This is the third week in a row that he'll be gone and it's right before Halloween.. right when I really need his help around here. He leaves tomorrow.

If I weren't so utterly exhausted right now, I'd be angry as hell. As it is, I'm just worn down and sad... and wondering when in the hell we get to have a normal week again and when in the hell we get to have some relaxation time together. I know we live together, but it feels like we haven't had any quality time together in weeks. I just don't understand all of this and neither does he. It's starting to suck really bad and we're in no mood for another week of hotel calls and lonely nights. I mean, honestly.. would it be so bad just to have a day or two of downtime? This shit sucks.

Just when I'm feeling overextended, overtired, overworked and overstressed.. just when I think I've completely lost my Halloween spirit (which is the lowest of the low for me.. I always love Halloween).. just when I'm feeling so depressed and overwhelmed by life's madness lately...

That's when I decided to have my own conversation with God, by myself and in a proper setting. Immediately after our conversation, staring at the candles I had just lit, I suddenly started to feel a horrible migraine coming on and drove home from the church wondering if it wasn't a sign that things were just about to get worse and that I should just shut up already.

I came home and took a 2-hour nap and did feel somewhat better when I woke. Then as I was sitting in front of the TV tonight, trying to carve a pumpkin for the sole reason of not wasting the money we spent on them.. something miraculous happened. I recognized the music instantly, I know every word of this little movie (I own the damn thing for crying out loud and still haven't watched it in years).. and there it was, playing on television right when I turned the channel, right when I had run out of inspiration for one of my favorite days of the year.

"There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin." -- Linus van Pelt

I remember now why I love this holiday so much. It lets everyone be a kid, if only for a night. Even though my migraine's still holding tight, even though it's been a long day and promises to be yet another long grueling week, even though J. is yet again stuck in some strange town and away from home this week.. I feel better about the weekend and better about myself. I'm thinking it will be a nice Halloween after all... as long as we believe in the power of the Pumpkin Patch. ;-)

Ahhhh, the Halloween spirit has returned... as has the annual decorating. The decorations have come out of storage and are enjoying the fresh air, at least the indoor decorations anyway. The big guns will have to wait until tomorrow when J. gets home. Then it's no holds barred, baby! Hell yeahhh! ;-) But really, it's those little indoor touches that make this holiday great, don't you think? Martha Stewart, eat your heart out.

Oh and one more thing while I'm at it...

Admit it. You only wish you had my mad pumpkin carving skillz. ;-)

I'm going to keep bumping this entry so it stays at the top for tonight. For newer entries scroll down.

Okay, here's the deal. I suck at keeping in touch. Some of you bloggers out there that I consider my close friends (and you know who you are).. I know I never email you. I know I never call like I say I will.. but I am thinking of you daily and checking in and saying hi and commenting whenever I can.
I do have a proposition for you tonight, however. I'm going to be taking care of stuff on the computer this evening (most likely into the wee hours of Thursday) and I'll be totally available for instant messaging. (Sorry, I only have AIM and know nothing about MSN Messenger or Yahoo.. but you can download AIM easily here if you like.) And if you miss me tonight, it's okay. You'll know who to look for next time. ;-)

So go for it, you know what to do... I would welcome the company. :-)
[AIM username: CrowLuvsServo]

So I like it.. do you? (Just let me know if anything's wonky and I'll try to fix it. I went a little crazy with the fonts...)
Truthfully, I'm thinking I might leave it up year-round. Cool with you?

This story cracks me up. Hooray for you, ladies! Kill 'em with kindness!

A very Happy Halloween to you and yours! Enjoy yourself and don't do anything that I wouldn't do.. unless it just looks like lots of fun of course. Then by all means, go for it and share the juicy details with me later. ;-)

Let the festivities begin...

I see the bad moon arising.
I see trouble on the way.
I see earthquakes and lightnin'.
I see bad times today.

Don't go around tonight,
Well, it's bound to take your life,
There's a bad moon on the rise.

"Bad Moon Rising"
--Creedence Clearwater Revival