Burlap Soul

I can't remember the last time I had fun in life... and it's killing me.

When J. and I met, he was the serious one that worried about money and schedules and planning. I was always the comic relief, the yang to his yin, the smile to his frown. Now, nearly four years later, circumstances have aged us too quickly and left us feeling desperate and weakened by life's struggles. There's no time for anything but survival. No time for anything but getting by, doing what needs to be done, getting through the week, getting through the next to-do list, getting through the day, getting through the hour. October has been hell and November is already booked solid. Not one weekend to ourselves. Not one day of rest. No possibility of scheduling downtime because we need the money and the appointments we've scheduled in order to save our asses. I haven't seen my family in months and I haven't talked to any of my old friends in what seems like ages. My plantar fasciitis is worsening by the day and my feet are now turning purple after a twenty minute walk with the dog. I am having tension headaches steadily. I can't remember the last time I had a really good laugh.

J. looked at me tonight and said, "What's happened to you? This isn't you."
I shrugged and said, "There's no time for me anymore. There's too much to be done," then laid my head on the table and stared at the baskets full of fresh laundry.
He put his arms around me, sighed and said, "How could I have killed the one part of you that I love so much?"

I thought about it and realized I was too consumed with worry and anxiety about upcoming tasks to even care about what he had said. In truth? I am too tired to have realized that I died. It would require too much of my spirit and I'm just not sure I have enough of that to spare.

Ugh. Why is it that midday naps are the hardest to wake up from? Blech.

I'm sorry guys. I just haven't felt much like posting or visiting other blogs or commenting or anything. I'm still reading whenever I can and saying hi. It's just that our lives have become so chaotic lately, there's hardly even any time just to stop and breathe. School is kicking into high-gear, J.'s been gone for his work the past three weeks (and will be gone again this week and most likely into late November), we've been dealt some ridiculous financial blows (half of them by J.'s own family) and that's been very hard on J. himself. Today we were thrown another blow by his own mother and it's put us in a shitty place. There's a good chance he may not be speaking to them for quite some time (including the holidays). So, he was stressed, I was stressed, you know the rest.

We had a huge blow-up argument this evening (complete with a 'goodbye' letter waiting on the table, a packed suitcase and a mad yelling/crying/sobbing match.. yes, that bad) and even though things are fine now, no make-up is easy and resolutions take time. Time is something we just haven't had. Here, we have just started making-up and noticing each other again and J. has to leave for work all week again. See what I mean? I am hoping we will be okay, but it's hard to deal with constant financial/family/school/job stresses without having some damn time together to discuss things... and that's something we just haven't had. So when self-involved family members call and drop a bomb on you that costs you $600-fucking-dollars that you were seriously depending on... Well, I guess it just breaks you and we both snapped. Unfortunately, we snapped at each other. Honestly, I don't think we would've done that if we'd had some more time together lately. We're both carrying huge loads and don't feel that it will ever end or that the other will ever understand.. so it gets complicated, painful and most of all... exhausting.

So I hope you'll understand if I'm not doing positives as much as I'd like (even though I really need to do them sometimes) or writing or commenting or emailing as much as I'd like. It's just a busy, crazy time and I don't think it's going to stop anytime soon. It's scary, but there's no longer room for fear. We just have to survive and do what needs to be done. That doesn't mean that I won't be blogging or anything like that. I just might become a little more sporadic or a little more quiet with shorter entries and such. Life has nice spots, but it has rough patches too and the only way I know to get through it is just that.. Get Through It. So that's what we're doing.

But you know.. such is life. Surely you can understand that, right? Yeah, I thought so. ;-)

Oh yeah.. I was supposed to finish fixing the template when I got back from class. Instead, I took a three-hour nap and am now running late on every errand I wanted to do today. Oops.

If I have time later, I'll work on switching the layout back... then again, I know damn well I probably won't get back to this before we head out to visit my family back home in Eastern Kentucky this weekend. Admitting that I'm not punctual is definitely not one of my strengths. ;-)

While I'm procrastinating blogging though, how 'bout a Fiver?

If you could just answer those questions for me and drop them in my mailbox, I'd appreciate it. Thanks.

Overheard from the girl in my biopsychology class that constantly brags about her 4.0 GPA and absolutely panics if she gets an A- :

"I got kicked out of my honors English class last year because I refused to read Shakespeare. I mean, I just told the professor, 'That guy just don't talk right, so I am not reading that crap.'"

Welcome to the future of our country, boys and girls. A place where Shakespeare's out and the beers are free. Welcome to Hell.

-- Friday was payday!
-- A fully stocked kitchen
-- Using coupons and actually saving a little on groceries
-- A nice weekend with family and friends back home
-- Watching a horribly bad old movie with my dad and J. this weekend and laughing our asses off because it was so god-awful (did you know that James Taylor was an actor? I mean that in the loosest sense of the word)
-- Watching J. get tipsy on Pasty's bill on Saturday night and having a hilarious time with two of my favorite people
-- Pasty and I singing Cartman's version of 'Sailing Away' in Ruby Tuesday just loud enough to make people wonder where in the hell it was coming from
-- Fucking with the waiter's head all night
-- Laughing at the gigantic whipped cream mess from Pasty's pina coladas
-- As always, hanging out with Pasty and laughing so hard it hurts
-- J.'s 'perfect-timing' burp that made me laugh so hard I couldn't breathe
-- Drinking more water and taking charge of my health
-- Buying some vitamins with extra iron in order to see if my fatigue is maybe just due to anemia
-- Seeing Theresa (our tarot reader) and all three of us [me, J., Pasty] being able to get readings! (and good ones too! ;-) and..
-- Theresa giving us some free candles to burn for financial gain and..
-- deciding she would use her new beautiful Angel tarot deck just for me (gorgeous!)
-- Seeing that beautiful 'Soulmate' card show up in my reading and hearing her say with the utmost certainty, "You are with your soulmate. You don't need that piece of paper. The cards already consider you married. There's no uncertainty here. You guys are solid," and feeling a real smile come to my lips because I knew it was true...
-- Walking away from our readings feeling optimistic and positive
-- Taking pictures of the lunar eclipse on Saturday night
-- Dad giving me one of his old jackets because he knows I can't afford to get a new coat right now
-- Being able to wear a great big man's jacket that's very warm and always reminds me of my dad
-- Pumpkin pie with whip cream
-- Getting some housework done today, in spite of myself
-- Dad's homemade chili (even if it's not Cincinnati-style ;-)
-- Deciding to conquer the attic this weekend and organize some of that insane mess!
-- Seeing Gypsy so happy to play with my nephews and enjoying the chaotic environment of my family's home (as she always does)
-- Driving around Eastern Kentucky - the home of country music - but cranking old-school Queen Latifah and Beastie Boys instead, just to throw people off
-- Seeing my Aunt Rosemary at Wal-mart (along with every other person in that town.. Ahhh, small-town Appalachian life)
-- Finishing my Art History paper a day early last week (woohoo for me!)
-- Going to tour some townhomes last week by myself while J. was gone and finding a few that we like and..
-- trying desperately to find a cheaper place in Kentucky that will be closer to our destinations and save us some money
-- Registering for my classes last Thursday (senior privilege, baby!) and getting all the classes I need at the times I wanted! woohoo!
-- Even when J.'s family lets him down and hurts him, my family is always willing to pitch in, make him laugh and love him unconditionally
-- My mom and her boyfriend Mike celebrating one year together last Friday
-- Already thinking about going home to see my family on Thanksgiving
-- J. taking the time to scribble down some positives on paper before he went to bed
-- I know we will make it through this financial bullshit... because we respect each other and we are willing to work even harder for our dreams together
-- Coming home to happy healthy kitties
-- I have a roof over my head
-- I have food to eat and clean water to drink (and I'm actually drinking it!)
-- I have happy and healthy animals that love me and I love them
-- I have a family that I enjoy visiting
-- I have a solid best friend that always makes me laugh until my stomach hurts
-- I have a wonderful man by my side that stays with me through the bad and exalts with me during the good
-- I have new hope in my life.. and that is a wonderful gift :-)

I'm itching for a redesign here, something totally unrelated to the change in seasons or Autumn... at least until December. The more I hang out on the MT forums, the more I realize I am a serious newbie to everything. I have no idea how to make a banner (though I really want to make one here) and I don't know the first damn thing about PHP, PERL, bandwidth, etc.. I downloaded a bunch of cool smilies to use in my comments and just looking at the instructions for installing them made my head want to explode. (Macros, what the hell is that?) Hell, I just recently figured out how to change the fonts here and I'm still confused about some of it. (So how do you use a font that isn't on everyone's computer? Will it even show up?)

I'm supposed to be studying for a biopsych test tomorrow, yet I cannot focus today to save my life. I've been so tired all day and it's been so wet and rainy outside that all I want to do is crawl under the covers and snooze for days. The fact that J. is gone again this week doesn't help much. There's no one to sit and study with me so it's a lot easier to just cuddle up with the dog and slack off.

Alas... time to pop some popcorn and catch 24. Maybe after all that suspense, I'll feel like waking up and studying. Heh, heh... riiiiiight.

I've been wearing a lot of purple hues lately, sitting inside and listening to the rain... so I guess you could say that was my inspiration.
Let me know if there are any problems or if you can't see anything, ok?

As for right now, however, I am off to have some quality veg time in front of the tv with a warm plate of spaghetti. Hope your Wednesday goes just as well. :-)

These are just some notes from my tarot reading this past weekend. They are mostly for my own records (and because Theresa is a kick-ass tarot reader and I want to see if this stuff comes true!). They are lengthy so you don't have to read them if you don't want to. Again, these are basically just so I don't forget everything.

Updated: These links should work now. I found all of this stuff over at High Cotton, but had to shop some other sites to get the links to work. Enjoy!

Okay... so I want this and this and this and this and this and this and this. Yep, guess that about covers it.

Oh, wait. Fer-the-love-a-pete, can someone please get me this?

I guess you could go ahead and get me this, but I already have it. And no, it's not on my front step. It's proudly displayed on the wall. I've always encouraged my kitties to be proud of their writing. ;-)

We've had winds outside that could chill you to the bone. Nothing new for Cincy, but I guess I was just hoping for a little more Autumn. I've been wearing a jacket around the house all day and my fingers are still somewhat numb. So J.'s first mess of business when he got home was to prepare the windows for winter so it's not so drafty in this house.
So there you have it. The screens are out. The storm windows are in. It's officially winter.

Shit.

Oooh.. what a cool site! Hee hee! Now I want to go drag hunting just to see all those beagles fly! :-) Of course, if I ever wanted Gypsy to participate, I would have to pry her off of the bed first. This could be a challenge, as nothing sleeps like a beagle. (No, you may not have that slogan. I've already patented it for Craftmatic. ;-)

Today's irony: The sole reason I was able to get out of bed and go to class was because it's Friday and I knew I could come back home and take a nap afterwards and be done for the day. The ironic part? I came home after class exhausted and of course.. couldn't sleep. So now I have the entire day to sit and think about how tired I am. *sigh*

Today's cool news link: I've always had a little fantasy about living in Rhode Island. I don't know why really. Ever since I was a girl learning about U.S. geography, it just seemed like a cool state. Then again, I've always preferred small cozy spaces. Hell, I even love the Rhode Island quarter. So, just when I was starting to realize I would probably never live on the east coast and that Rhode Island was just a nice little daydream, a vacation spot at most, my curiosity is revitalized by a cool event like this. How utterly bitchin'.

And while I'm feeling so horribly random:
Why, oh why, must Peanut Butter Crunch give you such horrible gas? Damn... I cannot get away from myself here!

Okay everyone, I have a request for you...

If you have Quicktime installed on your computer, click this and tell me if it works. (It might take a minute to load and it's dark and grainy, but that is a beagle and that was me in her path.)

(If you don't have Quicktime, you can download it for free here. Then come back, click and tell me if it works. Capisci?)

I was all set to come and sit down and do some general blogging about my week, but seeing as how I'm having the Stomach Ache from Hell (pat. pend.), I guess my plans have changed.

While I'm going to go hang out with my best buddy Pepto-Bismol, I wouldn't dare dream of leaving you alone here. So I'm leaving you with an overwhelming display of cute-doggie-powers. (Hey, don't say I didn't warn you.) If you need a good reason to throw up, I advise you watch this and enjoy the pure regurgitation factor you'll get while overdosing on its nauseating cuteness... at least while it lasts. I may have to take it down tomorrow because it's freakin huge and will take forever to load and I have no idea how much space these things take up and I may very well break the whole damn internet with my technical stupidity my dog has hypnotic Bette Davis eyes that could destroy the entire known universe.

Hey, I can't help it. My dog has amazing charm powers. It's only one of the reasons we named her Gypsy. Enjoy

Sorry. I took it down because it was taking up a lot of space. Guess you'll have to catch the next one. ;-)

Man, my brain is numb lately. I have tons of notes written around the house just as reminders to do everyday things. You know, reminders to do the dishes, vacuum the carpet, do my homework. Simple everyday stuff that I would be doing anyway... if my brain were working correctly.

I'm not sure exactly what's going on, but I'm almost positive it has to do with my health. I've been feeling good over the past few months, but for the past week or so it's almost been like coming down with the flu. Dizziness, out of breath, weakness and massive amounts of fatigue. It's the same crap I was dealing with over the summer, but I guess now it's come back (though thankfully not as bad). I do think some of it is stress taking it's toll on my body, but I can't deny that it feels mostly physical. I'm starting to wonder if it's just anemia... but if it were, wouldn't the iron supplements I'm taking make a difference?

The sucky part is that this fatigue issue has returned right when I have two 10-page papers to work on (due after Thanksgiving) and right when J. and I are having massive financial problems and trying desperately to find a cheaper place to live in order to save money. So I may very well be packing crap and moving boxes while simultaneously trying to keep my energy level up. Nice.

Okay, enough with the negative whiny crap. I'm going to list a couple really nice moments we had this weekend.

A) Stopping in Mt. Adams to call mom and figure out our gameplan for the weekend. Then, as we were waiting to call her back, deciding to stop at our favorite church while we were in the neighborhood. The cool part? Instead of a dimly lit church with a few candle offerings burning, the place was fully lit and in the midst of a Saturday evening mass. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that church would look so beautiful when lit up. Ironically, as the mass ended, a huge wedding party arrived and we thought it a sign that we should definitely get married there someday. ;-)

B) Watching Finding Nemo together tonight and immediately designating our own little favorite characters. (Mine are Peach the starfish ("Ebay!") and Crush the turtle. ("Dude!") J.'s were Gill the Angelfish and Bloat the Blowfish. He always likes the reluctant hero of the bunch.) And man, can I just say that I looooove that part where Bruce the Shark gets that whiff of blood and his eyes go pure-shark-evil and turn all black and scary as hell? And all three rows of those teeth! Fucking awesome.

There. I feel better already. Now it's time to go bathe the beagle! Don't you just love it when a dog gets out of the tub and goes all manic on you? I wish my showers were that good. ;-)

Hee hee... How cool. (Of course the most boisterous animal was a beagle.) Why can't any of the churches around here doing something like that? You know I'd be there with bells on. :-)

It's so nice to have J. back home after nearly a month of him being gone for three nights a week every week. I certainly don't miss sleeping by myself and listening to the maddening silence of this house at 2am.
The best part though? Sitting and watching tv together while snuggling. Then seeing him stand up, give me a kiss on the cheek and say, "I think I'm going to go blog, ok?" Hee hee... I like starting trends. I even like helping him pick out hex codes and new colors. I especially like it when he writes stuff like this.

I guess I really just like having this little place that we've created on the web. It's not huge, it's not popular, it's not phenomenal. It's a small record of our love for each other, journals in tandem. It's just us... and nothing more. I think I like that most of all. :-)

I had this great big entire entry written about every little anxiety in my brain lately and every little thing that's pissing me off today, but I got tired of sounding like a damn broken record about our financial problems, my health problems, stress problems, negativity here there and everywhere, yadda yadda yadda... so I moved it to a different blog and left it in draft mode. The point is that I feel better, having spewed it and am now not so upset. Behold the power of blogging.

Basically, what I was trying to say is that... well, life is just making me tired lately and I'm sick of it's crap.

Oh and I love J.... so very much. I don't let him know that often enough and that's still my own issue-in-progress, but I think I'm getting better at it. Sometimes he knows just what to do at just the right moment and it makes all the difference in the world to me.

I love you, sweetie. We'll get through this.. we have to, right?

Remember:
"We'll be fine as long as we've got each other.. and plenty of snacks." ;-)

Wow, I am absolutely loving Erika's new layout. So awesome!

Get off this damn thing and go study for your freakin' Italian exam already!
You damn stubborn procrastinating bee-yotch!

Ahhh.. I feel motivated already. (I should be a personal trainer, no?)

Ciao! It seems I have some studying to do. ;-)

Don't know how I did on my Italian exam this morning, but I didn't walk out feeling as though I had sucked and I was actually in a good mood afterwards.. so that's something, right? :-)
It is such a gorgeous day outside today. Nearly 60 degrees, warm sun... but you know what makes it even better? It's payday! :-D Gypsy even got to hang out at Petsmart today and pick out a nasty disgusting cow hoof new favorite chew toy. Then it was off to the park for a good run in the sun!
You know, nothing beats watching your dog charge full-steam-ahead into a giant flock of Canadian geese and howling her head off while watching them fly away in fear... then seeing her look back at you with a big proud grin on her face for causing so much chaos. Sometimes she's so much like me that I can't help but laugh. ;-)

Oooh.. and it's time for a Fiver too!

New stuff in the photolog if you're interested.
And, if you're really interested, there's even baby pictures and a guessing game! Woohoo! ;-)

So last night it was hot enough to peel the comforters off of the bed, turn off the furnace and turn on the fan. Today? It's freakin' snowing!! WTF?

And an extra tip for all you lovers out there:
If you should ever need a little extra oomph to get your lover in the mood (even when he/she's dead tired and has to get up early), might I suggest whispering anything at all into his or her ear completely in Italian? Last night I whispered to J. that 'the dog is sleeping loudly' and immediately he turned the darkest shade of red and said, "I don't know what you're saying, but keep talking!" I told him I liked to 'eat pasta in bed in the evening' and I thought his head was going to pop off. Definitely did the trick.
Screw French. It's for pansies. Go Italian, baby! You'll never go back! ;-)

-- A nice weekend enjoying ourselves and relaxing
-- Beautiful weather all weekend long
-- No more damn out of town trips for J.!! :-)
-- It's a short week! Thank god!! and...
-- I'm already done with classes until next monday
-- Planning on getting some research done tomorrow at the library
-- Surging forward and trying to understand the instructions on a very difficult psych paper and..
-- working through my frustration when I was feeling stupid and not grasping all the scientific terminology and..
-- finally starting to understand what I'm supposed to be doing and finding some research topics that I actually like (experiments on brain chemistry and how it relates to PTSD, OCD, MS... it's a biopsych paper)
-- Fixing our damn month-old horribly nasty drain clog!
-- Figuring out the sewer snake together and...
-- scrunching our faces and simultaneously cheering when that nasty black ball of crap came out of the drain
-- J. cleaning the bathtub to a shine and disinfecting the bathroom afterwards..
-- and then enjoying it and taking a nice relaxing bath together to the sounds of Sade and Enigma by candlelight
-- Taking pleasure in being able to just rub his shoulders, wash his hair and just take care of him without expecting anything in return
-- Soft kisses with candlelight in the midst of a warm bubble bath.. nothing better
-- Falling asleep clean with bubble bath smells in our hair and arms around each other
-- Seeing J. sit down and post four brand new entries and then...
-- getting the giggles when he writes stuff like this
-- Finding a good use for some of those conjugated Italian verbs I've been working so hard on ;-)
-- Getting a B on my last biopsych exam (a huge improvement)
-- Feeling good about my Italian exam last Friday and getting through it without panicking
-- Finding a rental house that we absolutely loved, but understanding that it was out of our price range and wouldn't be worth it in the long run, no matter how hard it was to turn down
-- When I was panicking about our finances and the grocery list, J. convinced me to go ahead and buy the ingredients for my annual Thanksgiving pumpkin cheesecake because he wanted to see me happy :-)
-- Knowing I will get to share that recipe with my family in a few days and hearing them ask me about it every year because they love it so much
-- Hearing J. stand up to his mother about me on the phone instead of just staying silent in order to pacify her
-- Knowing that even if it never makes a difference with her, he is there for me 100% and that he is devoted to us
-- Panera for lunch on payday
-- Cooking almost every night for an entire month so far
-- Talking to Pasty on the phone last night and learning that our friend Bryan is back in town and that I will probably get to see him for the first time in years this weekend
-- Taking my iron supplement every day and being patient with my body
-- Drinking more water and not allowing myself to get so dehydrated
-- Getting closer and closer to the end of this freakin' semester!
-- J. clearing off my desk last week and organizing some of the papers and clutter just to make me feel better
-- Having a digital camera for all of the good moments that I don't ever want to forget
-- Hanging out with J. and Gypsy at a new beautiful state park and watching the sunset together
-- I have a roof over my head
-- I have food to eat and clean water to drink
-- I have happy and healthy animals that love me and I love them
-- I have a family that I look forward to visiting
-- I have a man in my life that fulfills me in so many ways and believes in the power of us
-- I have the patience to understand myself and work harder to make myself better and I have the humor to laugh at myself when none of it goes according to plan
-- I have the ability to be a grown woman, a silly child and completely human all at the same time :-)

Stuff like this creeps me out. I'll probably never buy grapes the same way again and even still, I'll probably have nightmares later just for reading that damn story. Yes, I am that arachnophobic.

Ugh. I'm still shivering. :: shudder, shudder :: Ewwwwww... make it stop!

Let's see... in the next two hours, I have to:

-- ice/frost three pumpkin cheesecakes and finish making the damn icing (cream cheese, sugar and a spoonful of caramel.. mmmm)
-- wrap up pumpkin cornbread/prepare all food for travel
-- pack (for both me and J. -- a list within itself)
-- prepare five cats for a 4-day stay by themselves (this involves lots of food, water and finding all the damn fuzzy mice lost under the furniture)
-- pack up dog stuff for travel (crate, blankets, bowls, toys, leashes, etc...)
-- oh yeah.. pack the dog
-- gas up the car
-- clean out the car so that I can actually put stuff in it
-- meet J. when he gets off work
-- drive three hours to Eastern Kentucky
-- undo and unpack everything I did three hours earlier

Woohoo! Go holidays!!

Kidding, kidding.. I'll be hanging out with my family this weekend, listening to my dad play dirty versions of old bluegrass songs while everyone sings along drunk, drinking beer and bourbon and enjoying lots of food on someone else's bill while being totally oblivious to my camera. Obviously, I'll be having a wonderful time.
For those of you celebrating Thanksgiving this weekend, enjoy yourselves, be safe and have some fun! :-) Ciao!

There's something to be said for hanging out in your hometown the day after Thanksgiving on a lazy snowy day and falling asleep in front of a good movie-of-the-week with the rest of your family snoring in tandem on couches all around you.

Then again, there's also something to be said for sneaking to the computer to blog while also scarfing down an entire container of chocolate covered raisins. Strangely, it's the blog discovery I'm more paranoid about. I have no remorse about the raisins.

** Plop, plop **

Did you hear that? That was twenty pounds being added to my ass. The holidays have officially begun.

Hope yours are going just as lovely. ;-)