Burlap Soul

Just a quick note:

We may be losing our internet access any day now. It's mostly due to financial reasons, but I'm not really worried about it. I can go to the library to blog or do anything else internet-related if I need to. If all goes well, we'll be able to have it turned back on by mid-January. As long as we have transportation, food to eat and warm shelter with heat and electricity, I really don't care what happens to everything else right now.
However, if this does happen, I will not be able to check any email at this address. If you need/want to send me any email for any reason for the next month or two, please use this address instead. Cool?

Guess that's all of my posting for now. I probably won't be posting positives until freakin' Thursday. Seeing as how I have a 10-page biopsych paper, a 5-page art history paper and a ten minute slide presentation all due on Wednesday, well... let's just say I'll be very busy and stressed for the next 48 hours. It's all good though. The quicker I get this shit out of the way, the closer I am to finals and then a much-needed Christmas break, baby! Hell yeah! Wish me some good academic luck this week.. I'll certainly need it! :-)

3:30 am.
Five page art history paper done.
Works cited page painfully completed.
(How many damn editors are needed to edit a book anyway? And why in the hell does MS Word constantly think it knows better than you?)
Sweats are stuck to my ass.
Hair is a wonderful shade of nasty.
I've drank enough water to cause some serious sleep interruptions.
Neck is all nice and stiff.
Fingers and wrists are good and sore.
Eyes have been steadily burning for hours.
Time to brush the teeth and finally head for bed.

Think maybe I'll get a good amount of sleep before having to get up and write my ten page biopsych paper?

Yeah... me neither.

It's not even finals yet.
Suck. Suck. Suck.
Wah. Wah. Wah.
Boo. Hoo. Hoo
Wubba. Wubba. Wubba.

Yep.. when you start quoting Downtown Julie Brown, you know it's time for bed... or medication. Nite-nite.

The new forecasts are up. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I've been studying astrology for practically my entire life and Susan Miller is still the best damn astrologer on the planet.

Ten page paper due by 5:00. What in the fuck are you doing on the internet?

There. Now I have a nice little reminder for myself if I should decide to sneak back here during the day today.

Must type paper. Must type paper. Must type paper. Must type paper. Must type paper. Must type paper. Must type paper. Must type paper. Must type paper.

Dammit. This isn't working.

Must click X in top right corner. Must click X in top right corner. Must click X in top right corner. Must click X in top right corner. Must click X in top right corner.

Can't... do... it.... too.... hard....

AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I hate writer's block! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!
I hate having to write a ten-page paper that compares three other papers. I hate staring at a blank white screen and coming up blank about what in the hell I'm supposed to be writing. And I really hate having to write about scientific research studies. The data alone makes my head hurt. Yeah, Research Methods should be great fun for me next semester.

Alright. Enough bitching. I've skipped my Italian class already, I've slept an extra three hours than normal so that I wouldn't run out of steam midday and I'll probably be too full of nerves to eat any real food today. I might as well make all this shit worthwhile and get this stupid thing out of the way. I want to sleep tonight and I don't want to have anymore damn dreams about this paper. I want to enjoy sleeping in tomorrow and I want to get this freakin' week over with already. At some point this day will end and I want it to end well.

Okay. Bring it on. Let's kick this bitch's ass.

Hell Day is done. All three papers are officially done, typed and turned in. Presentation is completed. Dinner has been consumed and eyes are slowly forcing themselves shut.

Thanks for all of your support guys... It helped.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to bed. And I don't plan on waking up until Friday... maybe.

I've spent the past two days typing papers non-stop. Today's my day off and you know what I'm doing? Sitting here. Typing. Sometimes I am a supreme idiot. Then again, maybe I'm just a supreme masochist. Send me all your ten-page papers, your spellchecking, your endless mouse clicks.. give it all to me. I like the pain. I thrive on it. My wrists, my fingers.. they just can't get enough.

*sigh* 8:30am. I totally thought I would be sleeping in this morning, yet I've been up since 7am. Part of it was the exhaustion of yesterday and my body being unable to relax afterward, part of it was the fact that I went to bed at 11:30 pm last night -- a miracle by itself. I think that's the earliest I've gone to bed since I was a teenager. But the real reason I'm up this early? Raven. One of her favorite hobbies is to sneak into prohibited places throughout the house. Yesterday, I found her hiding in the bathroom after being trapped in there for over an hour and today, I had to retrieve her from the attic after she wrestled the door open and made a mad dash up the stairs at 7am. One of us is now sleeping peacefully and guess what? It ain't me. Now, my cats are one of my greatest loves, but sometimes they just absolutely piss me off. See? They are like children.

Someday when I am older, I will miss days like these. Going to bed at 2am and sleeping until noon, curled around each other on a Saturday morning without a care in the world but making sure the animals are fed and the rent is paid. Knowing that all of that turmoil I was constantly putting myself through was just the nerves and anxious thoughts that accompanied my twenties and that everything really was going to be okay the minute I learned to just relax. Knowing that regardless of what I may have thought at the time, I really was beautiful and that I should've been more accepting of compliments when they came. Knowing that as hard as life was then, it was actually so much nicer and so much easier than I realized.

I only hope that I will look back and smile to myself quietly... because I became a fully whole woman in spite of everything and I realized that my life was worth every confused, angry, anguished moment and that I wouldn't trade a thing. I want to look back and say that the ghosts didn't win, say that I did eventually become a little nicer, that I did decide to let love in, that I finally learned to give it back in return before losing all those that I had loved, to say that I stopped being scared of exposing my heart, to say that I didn't go to the grave wondering, to say that when I finally stopped and dropped all of my armor, he was still there with me and all my struggling was vindicated because our love was still very much alive and we had come out stronger and more connected than ever.

Someday when I get older.... I want to know that I achieved my dreams simply because I had never stopped dreaming. And that that gave me the courage and conviction to pursue them without fail.

Someday...

Just found out that my 16-year-old sister is pregnant. I swear, I think I'm the only virgin left in this world sometimes. I love eastern Kentucky, but my god.. I've seen this so many times. My senior year of high school, they had to have special desks shipped in for all the pregnant girls. No joke. That fucking town. We've often joked that it's got to be something in the water. Unexpected pregnancy and never using contraception is a goddamned plague down there.

My father's first grandchild is going to come from his 16-year-old daughter. He is floored and I could hear the disappointment in his voice and then that resigned acceptance... especially considering everything that we've told her about not getting pregnant so young. I know that we will be okay eventually and that we will respect whatever decision she makes, but I'd be lying if I said this didn't absolutely make me want to smack the shit out of her. Son of a bitch. I cannot believe this. I can't even explain how I feel about this right now... so I'm not going to try.

Update:
And you know what else? Theresa was fucking right. I just didn't think it would be my 16-year-old sister. She doesn't even have her driver's license yet and she still has her damn braces. What the fuck?

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.

I hate when I get all excited because I have a great idea for a nice holiday season layout and then everything goes to shit because I can't figure out the freakin' code. And then the forums don't help either. Crap.

So how do I make an image my background? Why is this so difficult to do with CSS? Ergh!

Holy crap! Holy crap! Holy craaaaaaaaap!!!!!!!!!

Remember that f*%&ing nightmare paper I spent all day working on last wednesday? The big-ass horrible thing that required 8-10 pages of biopsychology and brain chemistry and research analysis? The one that I basically half-assed and couldn't comprehend and turned in with only 6 pages and not much resarch analysis at all and was sure I half-flunked? Yeah, that one. Well, we got them back today. Guess what?

I got 42 out of 50!!!!!! That's 84%!!!!! That's a freakin B!!!!!!!! Shit, yeah!!!

I am on such a freakin' cloud right now... hooty hoo! hooty hoo! hooty hoo! :-D

Sorry everyone.. Things are going to look a little wonky here for a bit while I try to figure out how to do what I want to do with the layout here... and walk the dog... and have dinner... and do some studying.... Well, you get the idea. ;-)

Ahhhh... there, now... All done. You like? Mi piace tutti la lucci! (All the lights please me! ;-) Indeed!

Sidenote: Thanks to everyone that has been sending me comments and emails about this situation with my sister. I haven't heard any new developments (mostly because I've been trying hard to avoid it all and focus on my upcoming finals right now) but I do greatly appreciate the support from everyone and the well wishes for my family. It makes a difference. I'll be replying to emails as soon as I can. It's just been a hectic few days and I haven't had much time to sit down and do anything remotely fun. *sigh* When's my last final? It seems like years away... Let's hope the next week goes by fast. :-)

When I am really tired and don't get enough sleep, I don't necessarily get bitchy or loopy. Most of all, I get downright suicidal. It is amazing how much my depressed moods correlate with lack of sleep. I'm not exactly sure why that happens. (Oh man, did I just use "correlate" in regular conversation? Looks like I've officially become successfully psych-major-mind-controlled. I'm doomed.)

Right now I am supposed to be in Italian class, but I hit snooze too many times and didn't make it. (And why do they make alarm clocks have such huge snooze buttons now? The Snooze button is bigger than the damn Off button! Bastards.) So I thought, "That's okay. I'll be able to get some extra sleep before studying for my biopsych exam later today." Lay back down... nothing. Deep breathing, relaxing thoughts, comfortable repositioning...Zilch. Zip. Nada. I hate this insomnia. It drives me crazy how much I cannot back to sleep after even the slightest interruption.

I'm sorry the comments look so screwy. I couldn't figure out why multiple lines of text were overlapping on each other and in an effort to fix it, I seem to have made it worse. I'll fix it later.. I have a test to take today, so studying is my priority at the moment.
Ahhh, the story of my life. The house is on fire? Mm-hmm, okay.. after finals. Pigs are flying and the sky has gone a nasty shade of crimson? Mm-hmm.. after finals. The apocalypse is coming? Oh, well, I'll take care of it right after finals... *sigh*

Update: Woohoo! My comments are finally fixed thanks to a wonderful email from the ever-so-kind Gabriel. Thank you so much!! :-)

Being raised deep within the recesses of Appalachian dialect, I had to copy this from Janet and do it myself. I can't wait to see J.'s answers, seeing as how he was raised wayyyy up north and my family still lovingly calls him 'the yankee.' We like to sit and debate some of these words all the time. Enjoy! It's a long one...

Man.. what is it with my temper? How come I can never just be slightly agitated or peeved or whatever? How come I evolve so quickly into a total hurricane of fury? Over the most trivial shit! And how come it's so damn physical with me? I've never attacked a person or an animal, but I can't tell you how many times I've walked out of a room with a sore hand from smacking a wall or a sore throat from screaming at the top of my lungs, if even for a brief moment. I don't even realize it's happening. Just all of a sudden, something irritates me and I can't hold it in. My hands start to shake, my teeth grind and my fists clench and the next thing I know.. I'm smacking another damn wall or throwing another damn ink pen across the room.

Some days I wish it wasn't considered so strange to just fly off the handle and slug a punching bag (instead of a person) without everyone recoiling, looking at you like you're some strange alien being and accusing you of having "issues." Some days I wish I could just take a vacation from everyone and everything and not have to explain why or for how long. Some days I wish that I could just go somewhere and beat the shit out of a giant oak tree and totally flow with my hormonal surges rather than try to curb them and "cope" like 'normal' people. Some days I wish that I could just slip off the radar and come back feeling calmer and better about myself and that no one would notice that I was even gone.

Well, well... it seems our internet has finally been shut off. Hopefully we'll have it back on within a week or so and I won't have to post from the library and the school anymore. In the meantime, I'll be scarce. Not a big deal, seeing as how I'll be ass-deep in finals anyway. Ugh. What a freakin' week.
Hope your weekend is going well.... :-)

One Italian final from hell completed and done. Much thanks to J. for staying up late and helping me study.. which really helped!

Wish me luck on the next one: biopsych. Ew.

Ahhhh... two out of three finals all finished. I'm a free agent until Wednesday night. Now it's time for the fun part: selling back my books and having some Christmas cash! woohoo! Hope everyone is having a nice Monday. Mine is certainly going much better now. :-)

A note for the cashier at Kroger:

When I'm checking out and you ask me if I have my lousy fifty cents off of a drastically overpriced item anyway but still a necessary evil ripoff card Special Shopper's Discount Card and I respond with, "No, not today."
Please, do not suddenly grab the sleeve of the nice elderly lady behind me in line and shout in your best you're-old-and-therefore-must-be-totally-incompetent-and-deaf-voice, "Hey! Can she use your shopper card? She doesn't have hers today!" It is really not necessary to scare elderly ladies and leave me standing there smiling politely trying to explain your insane act of loud rudeness and desperately hoping that poor woman does not have a heart attack in the middle of the grocery store. I do not enjoy that at all.

And if it does happen again, I will not hesitate to grab your sleeve just as suddenly and exclaim just as loudly to the cashier behind you in the same patronizing and ear-shattering tone, "Hey! Can she borrow your common sense? She doesn't have hers today!"

Thank you. That is all.

I say ‘fuck’ a lot when I’m mad. Deal with it.

I cannot believe this. 6am. Here I am, awakened from upsetting dreams, dealt yet another blow by the universe. I’ve never felt so completely helpless and angry all at once.

We’re starting to think that she planned it.

Ah, jeez.. what a week and it's only Wednesday. Also quite a shitty week to not have an internet connection. I've wanted to blog so badly all week and couldn't. Suck. I did do some writing in MSWord though so hopefully I'll get that uploaded and have some entries to post later. Right now, though? I have yet another final and I have to type up the essay questions before the exam. It is my last one though.. so woohoo for that at least!

*sigh* It's been such a crazy week. So many good/bad/crazy/what-the-fuck moments all in a series of days... and all the chaos just keeps on coming. I'll clarify later when I update my blog after the final. Alas.. I have work to do.

I am done baby!! Wooooooohooooooo!!!

Just finished my last final and I am now out the damn door and headed home for a much-needed break!!! Can I get a 'hell yeah!'

So, anyway, since I probably won't be able to get much internet access until maybe next monday... some thoughts before I head home tonight.

I hope everyone has a lovely break/holiday/week/weekend/Wednesday. I'll be thinking of you while I'm sleeping in this week... yeah, right. But I do send smiles to all. :-D Ciao!

I'm Baaaaaack......

But now I'm off for some last minute shopping with my mom. Hee hee!
Updates to come later. :-)

Life is hectic. Breathing must be scheduled. Christmas is fun but quite possibly the most taxing day of the year. I finally have internet again, but am too busy to use it. I don't think I've ever been in so many traffic jams within a ten-mile radius on one day in my entire life. I have so many things I've wanted to write about over the past week, but am now so busy that I can't remember what they were. At some point this madness will end. I just wish I could get five little minutes of peace before it even begins. *sigh* I'm so tired. I've missed my little outlet here. I've missed my online friends. I've cruised blogs, but I still feel so out of the loop.

So tell me.. what have I missed? Or better yet, what would you like me to know?

Holy Shit. We just came back from a Christmas celebration at my mom and her boyfriend's place. We went ahead and opened our presents now so that we could have our own little get together before the big shebang tomorrow night at my grandmother's with all 8 million of my family members. Every year, everyone is required to make a Christmas list because no one ever knows what to get anyone and doesn't really like to shop aimlessly, especially without money. What my mom got us tonight was never even on our list. She snapped a picture when we opened it. Our mouths are literally hanging wide open and our jaw is dropped in mutual surprise.

She got us a DVD/CD/MP3/WMA/Photo Player. Holy Fuck. My mom.. the woman that has sat and rolled pennies with me our entire lives in order to buy bread and gas when times are just unbearable. The same woman that works nearly 60 hours a week in retail at a small busy store in the middle of nowhere just to make minimum wage and survive. She saved up for nearly a month to buy it for us, just because she knew it would surprise us and make us happy. I am floored... and so, sooo grateful to have a mother like mine. She continues to amaze me with her love for us.

The best part was seeing her finally spend Christmas with a genuinely good man for a change and seeing her squeal with excitement when he bought her not one, but four pieces of very nice jewelry just because he loves her enough to pay attention to what she wants and likes. A gorgeous watch with flashing hearts in the background, ruby heart earrings and two amazing rings. Jewelry... her favorite. Hearts... her ultra favorite.

Sometimes it's good to see life come full circle, even if the journey was harder than you ever imagined. I'm glad I was able to be a witness to this one.

So I'm off to spend Christmas with my family. I'm too addicted not to post something while I'm gone, but chances are that I will be scarce.

May everyone have a glorious holiday season and enjoy the time you have with those you love. :-)

Ahhh.. post-holiday boredom. I'm hanging out in Eastern Kentucky with my family until tomorrow and J. has left for the grueling 12-hour drive to Northern Michigan to see his family. All of my friends have made other plans tonight and forgot that I was still in town. So here I sit.. trying not to think too much about old boyfriends, old places that used to mean something, old memories that try to haunt me, old roads that used to go to old hangouts, old Wal-marts that are still filled with the same old people, old versions of me that used to live and dwell and frequent these same old places in this same old town. The little pudgy black puppy that I raised when I was still living here with a job and social life is now an 8-year-old dog with gray hairs surrounding the features of her face and arthritis in her back and ankles. It's strange how life moves on without you and yet somehow, it still stays exactly the same in the spots where you always wanted it to change.

I guess small towns are like that. Simultaneously balancing themselves between bittersweet nostalgia and desperate change.... much like myself.

I've seen this survey everywhere and I've been eager to do it myself. Considering that it took 2 hours to complete, I'm glad it's done. Now, I'm off to shop for J.'s Christmas presents during clearance! No, we haven't had a Christmas yet, but it's usually postponed anyway because of money. That way we can relax and have gifts to open on our anniversary on New Year's.

Enjoy the survey... :-)

I came here all ready to post a big long entry that I've been working on forever. Now, I'm running a small fever, my throat hurts so bad that I dread every swallow and my head will not stop aching. Dammit. I thought I got away clean this year.

Bastard germs. Off to bed for me. Phooey. :-(

Since December has felt more like one week than one month, this list of positives is going to be for the entire month, or the last few weeks of it anyway. :-)

-- Christmas chaos is over, therefore no more extensive traveling!
-- New Year's is Wednesday and...
-- it's the 4-year anniversary of our first date! :-)
-- Even though my throat is killing me and I'm sick, I can sleep all day because..
-- there's no school for another two weeks!! :-D
-- A wonderful Christmas and getting to spend time with lots of my family
-- Getting an awesome DVD/CD/MP3/WMA/Photo player from my mom! :-)
-- Dreaming of all the DVD sets we can get now (X-Files!!!)
-- Sending holiday cards and making people feel loved
-- Receiving holiday cards and feeling loved in return
-- Laughing with my mom at the craft mall last week about funny homemade signs
-- Surviving shopping hell the weekend before Christmas and getting everything done
-- Passing all of my classes!
-- Receiving new food for Froggy and making him happy
-- J. making the ten-hour trip to see his family and having fun and good conversation with them while he was there
-- J. making the ten-hour trip home safely and hugging me tight when he arrived
-- J. being impressed and flattered when I had lasagna baking when he got home
-- J. holding me and sending me off to bed early when I started to get sick
-- Home-cooked meals with family and then enjoying pizza from one of my favorite hometown places
-- A fun Christmas Day dinner with Pasty at 1am in the Flying J (because it was the only place open)
-- Her hilarious gift for me (a very loud humping chihuahua from Spencer's)
-- Seeing my new 3-day-old nephew (my cousin who is really like my brother anyway and actually is by marriage - dad married to mom's sister, blah blah, you know the story) and..
-- being mesmerized by Little Zachary all weekend
-- Lots of good photographs of him and the proud parents
-- Walking Gypsy through the same city park that is such a huge part of my childhood memories and..
-- seeing her go insane because there are so many rabbits there!
-- Making it home okay in our other car (the neon) and..
-- Dad fixing my battery terminals and leaving no part of the engine unturned (you can take the man out of the mechanic business, but you can't take the mechanic out of the man)
-- Surviving finals and one more semester of school which means..
-- I am one entire year closer to graduation :-)
-- J. passing his EIT-exam on the first try!!! wow!!! that's my sweetie!!!
-- Mom giving J. vodka and Kentucky bourbon for Christmas
-- Enjoying all the benefits of dad's big screen tv while I was home
-- Seeing that Sissy (the family dog) is finally being exercised and is on some medication for her arthritis pain (after how many years of my nagging? a dog is not a prop, people! you have to take care of it!)
-- Coming home to happy and healthy kitties
-- Seeing them fight over my lovely throw blanket that I got (it's cats sleeping on books!! two of my favorite things!)
-- Jared's (my cousin) new girlfriend giving me the cat blanket after I lost it in the trivia game, just because she already had one and knew I had wanted it
-- J. bringing home lots of homemade goodies and cookies from his family in Michigan!
-- Several new interesting snowmen to add to my holiday collection (I display them every winter along with black cats during Halloween)
-- I got one of my favorite games for Christmas - MadGab!! I kick butt at MadGab!
-- Feng Shui candles from Pasty
-- Lots of new gadgets for J. from my family
-- Dad paying for a new retractable leash when Gypsy's broke at a rest stop on the way home
-- Seeing my mom get everything she wanted for Christmas and...
-- seeing her get it from a man that truly cares for her
-- Already having my digital Christmas pictures labeled, resized and ready for emailing
-- Surviving Christmas, Mercury retrograde and my aunt's bitchiness and still having a good time
-- The way my grandmother always lights up a little and gives me a big hug when I walk in the room
-- Having internet again
-- I have food to eat and clean water to drink
-- I have a nice car that gets me from point A to point B in style
-- I have happy and healthy kitties that love me and I love them
-- I have a dog that loves everyone and makes them laugh
-- I have a family that I enjoy going home to see
-- I have reasons to enjoy Christmas
-- I have J., who makes my life better by just loving me with all of his heart
-- I have comfort in an uncomfortable world
-- I am learning to love myself more and more every day and it's the best gift I could've ever received :-)

-- You know it's bad when you're walking around the house with a roll of toilet paper attached to your hand because you're leaking out of every possible orifice in your face.

-- Even the dog tries to avoid your germs. She sniffs your breath and somehow knows that you have the plague and must be avoided.

-- Sneezing is a blessing. It's the threat of sneezing without the actual act itself that is possibly the worst form of torture ever. I can tolerate anything, anything at all. Really. Just do not leave me with that feeling of 'I'm about to sneeze, thank God!' that dissolves quickly into a sensation of about five packs of Pop Rocks going off inside my sinuses. I'd rather have my fingernails pulled off with toothpicks, thank you.

-- Whoever invented Halls and vaporizers should have statues dedicated in their honor.

-- Using your new sick voice to throw off telemarketers is a great ploy. They will constantly think you are a 5-year-old that knows nothing or an old lady that is horribly cranky. Use it often.

-- Do not take Dayquil without a strong chaser. That stuff is poison and must be handled with extreme caution. I've heard the aftertaste alone could kill a man.

There are a couple of new entries in the photoblog if you're interested. :-)

It's about damn time. That shit is poison and I'm sick of seeing my friends have multiple heart attacks after taking it. I've been waiting for this for a long time. Let's hope it passes without any problems.

Admit it. You want my beagle slipper socks. You only wish you could be so cool as to have little flop-eared dogs on your own feet, especially when you're walking through the house and freaking out the cats with giant bobbing beagle-heads, following them everywhere.
It's okay to admit it. We all have weaknesses.

I think I officially have "Hit-by-a-truck-itis." I don't think it's the flu because I'm not in horrible pain and I don't have any nausea or anything. But I certainly feel as though I've been hit by something, whether it be a full-fledged Mack truck or maybe a small hybrid car. Either way, this feels like hell. I am sitting still and I'm dizzy. My legs are rubber and I feel like I'm swimming. The entire ride side of my head is either clogged or sore and my neck and back take turns aching. I don't understand how my right nostril can simultaneously be clogged and worthless, yet still be running like a water fountain. I have an undying urge to slam an icepick in my ear in order to relieve some of that nasty pressure and let some fluid drain out so that I can hear again. Uuuuuuugggghhhhhhh.....

I was afraid of this. I didn't want to be bedridden on our 4-year anniversary. I wanted to go out and go dancing. So did J., but apparently he's sick too. *sigh*

Back to bed... Stupid germs. I hate you.. I hate you all!!

Holy Shit. I am in such excruciating pain right now. I never imagined that a buildup of fluid in one ear could cause such extensive pain in your head. Last night, I slept with my head hanging upside down off the bed for nearly 2 hours and although it relieved some of the pressure on my ear, nothing drained out and all it really got me was a massive headache. This morning, as J. was leaving for work, the entire right side of my face began to swell and my ear is now killing me. I've always had problems with excess fluid in my right ear, but this is ridiculous.

The entire right side of my face is swollen and painful to the touch. The left side of my face? Nothing. It's like a massive explosion has happened on only one side of my body. I've tried Sudafed (which all the nurses recommend) and it's done absolutely nothing. This fucking sucks. I did not want to spend New Year's Eve and our 4-year-anniversary laying in bed crying from pain. And to top it off, J. has to work a full day today and can't use any sick days or anything because he is still in his probationary period. He sat with me until he was going to be 30 minutes late to work this morning and I could see that he did not want to leave me. The ultra-sucky thing is that he is sick too, but so far it hasn't advanced beyond the sore throat and runny nose. I really hope he doesn't end up with this massive ear problem, because it is fucking hell.

I know I will probably end up going to the Urgent Care clinic this evening, but I'm so dizzy that I'm afraid to drive there by myself. So I have to wait on J. to get home and then I have to see if we have enough money to cover the visit since I'm not insured. Is this Mercury retrograding? Or is this just a taste of the upcoming year? Please tell me that this is only temporary and that things will get better in January. Pretty please? With lots of sugar and extra sprinkles on top? Pleeeeeaasse?? Oh, uuuuggh. Just make it stop!

Happy New Year to everyone! May 2004 bring the best adventures and the most amazing stories into your lives... May you be nothing but blessed.

And Happy Birthday to Rasee!!! (Who is probably a day ahead of me, but you get the idea..) You are a truly magnificent woman and I look forward to sharing your adventures and exploring your wonderful friendship in the year ahead. :-)

And to my sweetest J.... Happy Anniversary sweetie! Four years down and a lifetime to go. I love you so very, very much.... May our paths continue to intertwine as beautifully as they have so far... :-)