Burlap Soul

System Crash

I feel like complete and utter shit tonight. Considering that's really all I have the energy to type out right now, I guess I'm done.
Classy, huh?

*sigh* Ah, hell.. please, please, please.. someone give me energy again. What the hell is happening to me? Is this just a system crash after an adrenaline-filled weekend or is something really wrong with my body? I do not even have the energy to speak. Frankly, it fucking sucks.

Trip-Lag

So is it possible to have jetlag when you were never on a jet? Man, I cannot get motivated to do anything since we got home. Half of our luggage is sitting in the livingroom still packed with clothes and such and now the cats are starting to think the suitcases are their nice new viewing platforms. The suitcases are covered with cat hair and we have two baskets and a hamper full of dirty clothes from our trip that I've basically just been sitting here starting at, wondering when they'll get washed.
It hasn't yet occured to me that they'll get washed when I get up off my lazy ass and wash them.

I did finally get all of the digital pictures downloaded from the camera and labeled and everything. There were over 200 digital pictures taken in NYC, but ironically, that's only about 1/5 of all the photos we actually shot. We still have nearly 10 rolls of film to drop off and develop. I'm hoping they will be worth it. Oh, who am I kidding? I got a shot of me standing next to the Naked Cowboy. (did you know he's from Cincinnati? And might I say that he has a wonderful bum?) I know they'll be worth the money, if only for that!
So, I'm going to make that my reward today. If I get off my ass and get some housework done and unpack all of our crap, then I get to share my photos tonight. See? Now I have some motivation.. woohoo! Off I go..

Home.. finally!

So we're home now and dead tired and broke and stiff from the twelve-hour car ride.. but we really couldn't be happier. Our trip to the Big Apple was absolutely amazing and I will remember this beautiful gift for the rest of my life. I'll have more to write later, including photos and such. Right now, I'm just going to veg-out, relax and enjoy the company of our wonderful dog that is so hyper right now because she has missed us sooo much! I loved our trip, but I am glad to be home.. finally. *sigh* What an amazing weekend. I don't think it could get any better.

Oh wait, look at that. It's exactly 7:45 pm. I just officially turned 26. So my weekend did just get better. Woohoo! :-)

Biting the Big Apple

We're here baby! And OH. MY. GOD. Why didn't someone tell me this city was so un-fucking-believable???

So far, we've seen:

-- Times Square (both day and night)
-- Ground Zero (too much for words)
-- Battery Park
-- Empire State Building (kissed at night on J's birthday)
-- Greenwich Village (and the Veg-City diner per Nicole's suggestion)
-- Chinatown (so much going on!)
-- St. Patrick's Cathedral (again, just too moving for words)
-- Rockefeller Center
-- Ed Sullivan Theatre (David Letterman building)
-- Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum (oh wow. too freaking creepy)
-- lots and lots of hilarious and amazing and wonderful and totally fucking incredible shit. wow, wow, wow..

(I cuss when I'm excited. Can you tell?)

I can't put this entire trip into words just yet, but I will definitely have tons (and I mean tons) of photos to share when I get home on Tuesday/wednesday. In the meantime, if you don't have access to the photolog and would like it, send me an email and I'll answer as soon as I get home.

I just can't believe that I am here. I have been brought to tears several times just from the overwhelming act of actually achieving a lifelong dream. This is so amazing and I am so thankful to the universe for this amazing gift. Hell, after this, I might even consider moving here. So, anyone know where we can buy a nice townhome? ;-)

See you when we get back... :-D

Broadway Bound

6am..

-- luggage -- check
-- lists crossed off -- check
-- mix cds ready to play -- check
-- maps -- check
-- excitement -- check
-- aspirin -- check
-- guilt over leaving gypsy at the kennel -- check
-- never ending loop of New York New York in my head -- check

We're Broadway Bound, baby! See you in the Big Apple.. ;-)

last minute

Right when I need to have a really restful night's sleep and right when I finally drift off into a place that is cozy, I am startled awake by horrendous nightmares of gi-fucking-gantic tarantulas. I hate spiders and it's one of my biggest fears, but the nightmares? Those are worse... they're hell to get out of my head and falling back to sleep after a spider-dream is virtually impossible. The images of them escaping cages and looking for me, hairy legs slowly crawling in that slow creepy-ass spider way have not yet left my brain. But sleeping next to Gypsy helped.. holding her and having her snuggle up next to me and start snoring in my armpit made me laugh and immediately, I was reminded of how much I'm going to miss her this weekend and I almost cried. It's bittersweet.. but in the end I know she will be better off at the kennel.. but man-oh-man, I wish I could watch that nose go in Central Park! Maybe next vacation...

*sigh* This day is actually turning out okay though. It's busy as hell and I have a ton of last minute things to do (packing, for instance), but I've been playing my NYC mix that I made yesterday at top volume and pretending that I am on Broadway with a top hat and cane and sparkling lights singing 'New York, New York' along with Frank Sinatra. I was in the process of kicking my legs like the Rockettes and accidentally kicked Raven off the table and scattered an entire folder of papers. She's okay, though my pride is somewhat bruised. I thought I could do a better Rockettes-kick than that. I've just been out of theatre too long.

Reality sucks.. the fantasies in my head are so much more fun than packing and lists. In my head, I am a star. So you wanna see the track listing, right?

New York City Baby! Mix:

1. Ryan Adams - New York New York
2. Moe - New York City
3. AC/DC - Safe in New York City
4. The Ad Libs - The Boy from New York City
5. Southern Culture on the Skids - Walk Like a Camel (it has nothing to do with NYC, but I like the song and use it to break up the monotony.)
6. Billy Joel - New York State of Mind
7. Christopher Cross - Moon to New York City (we both hate this song because it gets stuck in our heads, so we just like to torture each other with it.)
8. Beastie Boys - No Sleep Til Brooklyn
9. Don Henley - New York Minute
10. Pete Yorn - New York City Serenade
11. Ella Fitzgerald - Manhattan
12. Tyler Hilton - New York Can Wait
13. The Black Keys - Brooklyn Bound
14. Violent Femmes - Blister in the Sun (again, the monotony factor.)
15. Sting - Englishman in New York
16. They Might Be Giants - New York City
17. Beastie Boys - Intergalactic (I just like the 'aliens attacking the city' vibe.)
18. Frank Sinatra - New York, New York

"It's up to you.. Newww York... New Yooooooooooooork!!" and kick and jazz hands and freeze! :-D

There's a new entry at the photolog finally. It will probably be the last before we head to NYC. But man, when we get back, you're going to be sick to death of all my photos.. I promise. :-)

Dilly-dallying again...

We have to go to bed at 8pm tomorrow (thursday) in order to get on the road by 6am on Friday morning. Tomorrow's a big day: packing, dropping Gypsy off at the kennel, driving to my mom's work so she can give me a carry-on bag that I need (and some early birthday money for spending on souvenirs), all big, involved tasks. So what am I doing? Sitting online, blogging, dilly-dallying at 1:30am. I'm not necessarily procrastinating, but I'm certainly not doing what I need to be doing.. like sleeping.
I swear, sometimes sleep is my enemy. I've always had a difficult time getting to sleep and I don't think I've ever been on a regular sleep cycle. It's just now getting to a point where I can allow myself to go to sleep and shut off the taskmasters in my brain. However, when I get in bed, all I can think about is stuff that makes my heart race and gets my blood pressure pumping and then I'm on a 'oh-I-need-to-write-that-down-so-I-won't-forget-to-do-it-tomorrow' adrenaline rush. Needless to say, falling asleep is not something I get all warm and fuzzy about.

Ironically, I'm fully aware that I'm subconsciously avoiding sleep right now, yet I'm not doing anything about it. I know that my brain has convinced itself that staying up late and being dead-tired just so I can sleep during half of the trip is best, because then that means I will spend less time being restless and impatient with the 8-hour trek through Pennsylvania. My brain has become the model for rationalizing its way out of its own worst fear: Too Much Time To Think. Also, my brain knows that sleeping in the car is one of my favorite ways to sleep and that I will have some of my deepest slumber while reclined in the passenger seat cruising at 70 miles an hour. It has always been this way.
When I was a baby and my stomach was constantly upset from the intestinal blockages, burning acid and resulting surgery, the only thing that could stop my crying and make me finally sleep was a long ride in the car. To this day, it still works like a charm. Unfortunately, I am now 25 and even when I fall asleep easily in the car, I no longer have the pleasure of being carried quietly to my bed without a disturbance. Life sucks this way. Either you can't find that warm fuzzy calm feeling again or when you do, it strikes at the worst possible time... like when you're driving.

Maybe I'll sleep tonight. Maybe I won't. Either way, let's hope the dreams are nice.

busy!

So many things that need to be packed, prepared, taken care of for this trip on Friday.. You want to know how insane it is? I have a list of lists to make.
How fucked up is that?

Anyway.. busy, busy, busy... I'm off to walk the dog before she pees on the carpet and then have lunch (that's my me-time), do laundry so we can pack, feed the cats, and then start checking things off of lists..

Man, I will be so happy when we are finally on the road to Manhattan and all of the preparations are done.. woohoo! Big Apple baby!! :-D

Earth

EARTH is your chinese symbol!


What Chinese Symbol Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Strangely, it's so true. I thought I would've been fire or something, but apparently I have matured and become one with the dirt. Nice.
Jeez.. I have really got to get to bed. This 4am crap is ridiculous. What is it with the internet? It's like crack sometimes.. and I was doing so well. No fair.

Positives

Participation Positives:

-- Four more days until we leave for Manhattan baby!! hell yeah!!
-- Watching J. come home from the airshow Sunday all relaxed, excited and sunburned
-- Hearing him talk about it all evening and seeing the dreamy look in his eye
-- Driving home from dinner last night and then hearing him say, "I think I'd like to go next year." and smiling at me..
-- J.'s birthday is Saturday!
-- My birthday is next Tuesday!
-- Both of our birthdays will be celebrated in Manhattan! :-)
-- Hearing my aunt get so excited about our trip and..
-- laughing while she tried in vain to encourage my dad to go
-- Being smart about our finances, budgeting and feeling in control of things
-- Talking and laughing with our neighbors a little last night
-- Splurging a little on my regular hair trim on Saturday and getting a nice wash with an awesome dry-scalp shampoo (and man, that girl's fingernails felt goooood on my itchy scalp!)
-- Hanging out at my mom's house, watching tv and laughing
-- Having comfy new pajamas/yoga pants for lounging around the house
-- After reading this entry, J. telling me, "I love that I can fall into you and be better for it."
-- Making lists, cleaning, getting up earlier, doing yoga and other daily things that I'm doing that make me feel better
-- Talking to Pasty on the phone last night and laughing about funny news stories in our hometown
-- Dealing with issues as they come along and not worrying so much about the 'what ifs'
-- Understanding that I am getting the chance to achieve a life-long dream (seeing Manhattan) and relishing every moment of it
-- Understanding that J. is the one helping me achieve that dream and that he will be there with me completely and fully when we arrive in NYC
-- KazaaMate (so long evil pop-up ads that crash my computer when I am only downloading one freakin song!)
-- Listening to David Gray on repeat and falling more and more in love with his lyrics and music (thanks so much Leah!)
-- reading books, making new smoothie creations and learning more about the smoothie process (thanks Nicole!)
-- Watching as J. tries to blog more and share his thoughts through written words
-- My nails are actually growing and getting longer because I'm keeping them painted and not chewing them!! (This is huge!)
-- My mom agreeing to come and check in on the cats while we're gone
-- Finding a very cheap and nice kennel for Gypsy (where they play on a 15 acre farm all day! Her beagle-vacuum (a.k.a. her nose) will be in Heaven!)
-- Laughing with J. when we kept forgetting the same things over the weekend and realizing we really needed a vacation
-- J.'s excitement when he was showing me his pictures from the airshow
-- J. surprising me with popcorn and one of my favorite NYC movies last week
-- Trying not to eat out as much and cooking a lot this past week
-- Vanilla wafers dipped in chocolate ;-)
-- Getting excited in the Hallmark store with J. while looking at their little Halloween villages (that I've been drooling over for years.. I want them all!)
-- Coming up with new ideas for Halloween this year (yes, it's brainstorming time again.. hee hee..)
-- I have a roof over my head
-- I have food to eat and clean water to drink
-- I have happy and healthy animals that love me and I love them
-- I have the opportunity to achieve a dream and I'm going for it
-- I am sharing my dreams with someone that appreciates them
-- I am feeling good lately and I am relishing in this moment in this life right now and that is a new blessing that gives me new life :-)

NYC Movies

So all week we've been discussing things we want to do and see in New York City next weekend. Jeff has been there once before for about three hours (long enough to take the circleline tour and that's about it) so he's drawing on his own memory in order to help us plan our trip. I've never been at all so I'm drawing on every movie I've ever seen that features couples walking down the streets of Times Square or having their first kiss in front of the Manhattan skyline.
I mention to Jeff that I'd love to go up onto the Empire State Building at night so that I can see Manhattan lit up and beautiful in the dark. He says to me, "Oh, like Sleepless in Seattle, where they meet at midnight on the observation deck? Is that the movie you're thinking of?" And I say, "No way." and we have a discussion over some of the best New York City movies ever. He continues to say Sleepless in Seattle and The Paper. I maintain my position on my own personal favorite.

So, tonight as he came home and I was online trying to empty out memory cards and digital pictures from the camera, we sat in the office and talked about our days and how much we hate going out on crowded chaotic Friday nights and how much we like just staying in and watching tv. Then we walked into the dining room and lo and behold.. Sitting on the dining room table with a box of microwaveable popcorn was my favorite New York movie.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to have a yummy homemade chicken stir-fry dinner and then later I'll have some popcorn while watching Muppets Take Manhattan for the tenth time since my childhood.

Thinking too much

I realize that sometimes when there are problems between J. and I, it stems from my own ability to sit in my head and worry too much. I've been told by so many people in my life that I just worry too much and I need to just calm down. I can't tell you how many times I've walked into a tarot reader's office, smiling and laughing with my friends and being all cool and calm and within the first five minutes of my reading, I've been told, "You worry too much. You know that, right? You need to just stop that, it's killing you." I am a very thoughtful person, I live in my thoughts, my fantasies, my brain. At the same time, I am a very funny, goofy and lively person.. so most people don't realize that I am actually a very deep thinker and that I am analyzing every second, every nuance of my time with them in the back of my head. Simply put, I think too much.

So this new challenge I've made with myself is rewarding but still very hard. I've been trying more and more to be 'in the moment' instead of 'in the analysis of the moment and what it means for our possible future and how will I handle it when I am 85 years old and it becomes a problem and what will my family think and when will I ever be happy and if I am happy how will I know it.' (clap your hands *clap clap*) See? I think too much... and I'm trying to stop that. I'm trying to enjoy life more rather than analyze the shit out of things that don't need that much analyzing in the first place. I don't want to be on my death bed looking back over my life and saying, "You know what? I spent my entire twenties in my head. Why in the hell did I do that? What a waste of a decade."

This becomes harder when you realize that you've paired up with someone that is just as much of a worry wart (if not more) than you.

I love J. I really do, but the amount of time he spends worrying about things.. well, it worries me. (Do you see the vicious cycle that's taking place here?) We are fun, we make each other laugh, we balance each other out when needed and we cheer each other on when necessary. To be honest, judging from the couples that we see around here on a daily basis, I'd say that we are happier than a lot of couples out there. Mostly, because our goal is to be happy rather than just compatible... and it shows in everything we do.

However, J. has the same problem I had for most of my life. He was always the responsible one, the one that would be there when everything else fell apart or when no one else would do it. Somewhere along the way though, he forgot how to have fun and if he did have fun, it would immediately become a huge source of guilt for him. I am not like this. I was raised with those same responsibilites that come with irresponsible parenting and lack of structure: you end up being the rock, despite your best intentions, and you end up having no fun. However, I always took time to enjoy myself, to have fun, to make sure that despite all the pain that took place in my everyday life, there was a small bright spot.. no matter how small, it was a bright spot and I would have it to hang on to when I was later surrounded by darkness. I would have that one moment to remind me that life does not have to suck.

Anyway, back to J. (You know what? I'm tired of calling him J. His name is Jeff. Honestly, like some psycho is going to come to Cincinnati and look for Annastazia and Jeff. Well, you know what? They won't find us. See? Again.. with the thinking too much. Then again, J. is definitely easier to type. *sigh* It never ends.)
J. refuses to buy things for himself, even things that he needs (new clothes, shoes, whatever) as long as there is responsibility hanging over his head. Everyone else must be taken care of first before he gives himself permission to have fun and enjoy himself. And even then, having fun is still a source of incredible guilt, followed by a sense of impending doom (what will go wrong now? we can't have fun forever, yadda yadda yadda..). It is for this reason that Jeff has not been golfing, swimming, rollerblading, boating or anything of that sort in a long long time. (We're talking years here.) These are all things that he loves to do and greatly misses doing. It's not that we don't have time. It's not that there are too many responsibilities that take priority. It's the fact that this is something fun that he would be doing for himself and he simply cannot bring himself to do such a horrid thing.

I cannot imagine what life would be like if I did not enjoy myself every now and then. So I watch him and I worry, I feel sad for him, I try and try to make him enjoy himself, knowing that it will have to be his own decision and that my efforts may indeed be futile. I watch him become entranced while watching World War II Warbirds specials on the History Channel and then immediately change the channel when I walk in the room so that we can watch something we both want to watch. I watch as he gets excited about showing any guests that we have his vast model fighter plane collection and then immediately say, "Eh.. I'm going to have to repaint them someday anyway." I know he says this just to kill his moment, to remind himself that hobbies are nice, but too much fun and excitement is out of the question. I listen as he explains every detail of World War II and fighter planes and the history of the Red Baron to me, excited and alive and then immediately says, "But I'm rambling and you're probably bored." Then I watch him read articles in the paper about the awesome (and somewhat legendary) air show that's coming to town and I see him just die inside because he has already told himself that he can't go, that there are other responsibilities that need taken care of, that going would be selfish. I see him put on his smile and look at me and say, "It's okay. I've been to three air shows already and we're going on vacation next week so we really can't afford it. It's okay.. I'll go some other time."

He expects me to believe that. He refuses to go even when I say he should just buy one ticket and go by himself and enjoy the day. He comes up with every excuse in the book so that he doesn't have to rationalize spending money on himself, so that he doesn't have to rationalize having fun.

So, while I'm reading the paper during my lunch yesterday, I peek at the article about the airshow. I see what an amazing event it truly is, what a legendary performance this particular airshow will be, how many celebrities will be in attendance just because of the magnitude of this event, etc etc. I know it's a big deal. I know he didn't tell me that on purpose, he didn't want me to feel pressured to go. So I figure I'll just remove myself from the equation, take away any and all things that make him feel he has to be responsible for anything but having fun. I buy him one ticket, stick it in a birthday card and meet him after he gets off work.

We are sitting in the car and I can tell he has had a day from hell. I can see horrible despair and tension in his eyes. I know that he has just spent the entire day getting discouraged, berated, belittled and yelled at by his coworkers. I know that he hates his job, doesn't want to go back, doesn't have a choice, is worrying about our trip and how we will afford it, is worrying that he will never get the call he's wanted so long for another job where the people are nicer and don't treat him like he's disposable.. most of all, I know that he is putting on that smile just for me, just so I won't worry about him.
He reads the card and I can see that he is so thankful that he means something to someone at the end of this long day. He turns to say thank you and I tell him he's not done yet. I pull out the ticket and he unfolds it and his jaw drops. It looks as though I've just punched him in the gut rather than given him something he really wants.

Suddenly, he is overwhelmed and tears come from his eyes. He is sobbing, heavy sobs that quickly turn into a blubbering mess.. He is telling me that we can't afford this, that I shouldn't have done this. I am telling him that we can afford for one person to go and that he will go and have fun. He doesn't know what to do, so I tell him:
"You're going to go on Saturday and spend the whole day and take a blanket and enjoy yourself. You're going to take a camera and then come home and tell me all about it. I want you to have fun. I want you to be happy."
He is crying, crying.. crying so hard. So amazed that someone would go out of their way to make him happy, so amazed that someone would want him to have fun and enjoy himself. "You shouldn't have.. You really shouldn't have. I don't deserve you. I really don't. I don't want to waste a Saturday being away from you."
I am holding him, wiping his tears away with my hands, looking into his tired, tired eyes. "We will be in Manhattan next week for five days. We will be in a car together for ten hours. We will be navigating subways and arguing over maps and marveling at crowds and busy streets for five days. We will have plenty of time together next weekend. One Saturday is not going to hurt us. Go. Have fun. Please, I'm begging you. You deserve this. I want you to have a happy birthday."
He holds me tighter than ever.. "I love you so much." ... and dissolves into tears again. I hold him, wiping away all those tears, my heart breaking as I look into his eyes and see that tired, lost soul swimming in there, that soul that no longer knows how to smile freely and without guilt.
He straightens and cleans himself up and I notice that he is immediately lively again. He is telling me something, but I don't hear it. I am just watching his eyes and noticing that they are smiling. We are driving home and he says, "You energize me," and kisses my hand.

Sometimes it pays not to think too much. Sometimes you just have to say 'fuck it' and go buy that ticket and enjoy yourself.
I know that it's just an air show. I know that to some it may seem like such a small insignificant thing.. but to me, this is big. I think he finally realized the point that I've been trying to drive home for a while now. I think he's realizing that any time spent being unhappy is time wasted. I think he's realizing that fun is not a bad word, that love is not a responsibility, that he is worthy of living a life he wants to live, that I am here to love him, not to demand all of his time and effort, that all I want is to see him smile while we navigate our way through life in our own set of fighter jets, shooting down the opposition and trying to maintain our composure while we force our way through the darkest of clouds.

I think he has finally realized that I enjoy being with him no matter what and that most of all, I don't need him to take care of me, I just want to sit back and watch him fly... The rest will take care of itself.

Cleaning the ducts out?

Bookmarklets | MOVABLE TYPE

How in the hell do you do a study like this? And who exactly is your control group? What about the outliers? Oh, those outliers. I'd love to meet those people.
Then again, maybe not.

Oh, this is the coolest name for this cat. How utterly cool.

Long Day

*sigh* It's been a long tiring day.. and it's only 6:20pm. Go figure. So, I'm probably going to shut this thing off for a while and enjoy dinner vegging in front of the tv with my sweetie. I think we both just need to shut the world off for a night and focus on each other.

Luckily, that will be much easier now that I have a wonderful new smoothie book from the ever-so-gracious Nicole!! Thank you sooooo much, girl! Such neat recipes too and lots of fat-free and protein/energy rich stuff! woohoo! Again, thank you! Tonight, we will make a smoothie and toast it to you.. Better yet, if I end up making my own creation (which I've been doing a lot lately), I will name it the 'Harmony Blue' in your honor. :-)

Positives

(I haven't done these in two weeks, so let's hope it's a long one.)

Participation Positives:

-- Menstruation - "It's a good thing."
-- Activating a credit card and being smart about how we use it
-- We're going to New York City!!!!! :-D
-- Finding a great rate on a nice hotel in Manhattan (71$/night!!)
-- Keeping my nails painted and actually not biting them for a full week!
-- Being able to buy some necessities to help us survive until payday
-- Receiving a wonderful early birthday present from Leah! and..
-- Listening to my new David Gray cd on repeat most of the week ;-)
-- After a horrible beginning, the past week has turned out okay after all
-- I am optimistic for the coming week as a result
-- J.'s poison ivy is healing (slowly, but it is healing)
-- Having a wonderful time gathering stuff for 26 Things...
-- and enjoying more outdoor time with Gypsy and J.
-- Finishing our floors and sleeping in the bedroom again
-- Watching the animals slip and slide all over the new hardwood
-- Our ditzy air-headed landlady not noticing half of the changes we've made to the house and not even caring about the dog
-- The prospect of spending our birthdays in Manhattan
-- Having my mom to calm me and make me laugh when times are hard
-- Having J. to hold me and console me when times are too hard
-- Having wonderful online friends that are there for me and offer advice and virtual hugs just when I need them
-- Being able to buy new clothes and other necessary things (like comfy sandals!) in order to prepare for our trip
-- Finding a new pair of Easy Spirit sneakers on clearance and knowing that they will be in the closet when I need them later in the year :-)
-- Damien Rice - The Blower's Daughter and Volcano (truly amazing songs)
-- beautiful breezy weather
-- angry wild thunderstorms
-- shopping with J. and enjoying some time outside the house
-- looking at a house with J. and really liking it and..
-- then discovering that it's affordable!
-- making new mix cds
-- sitting and listening to the rainstorms in the dark and..
-- J. telling me, "I'm so glad I met you. I never would've kept candles around the house before. Now we have them when the power goes out." and making me laugh
-- new beautiful oriental lillies in my backyard
-- a purring Raven in my lap
-- finding a practically-new printer at Goodwill for $15 and discovering that it still has ink and works great!
-- watching J. get so engrossed in a book by one of his favorite authors (he's hooked and it's so out of character for him!)
-- trying to spend more time being 'in the moment' and not stuck in my own thoughts
-- getting a nice email from my old counselor (she's retired and I don't get to hear from her that often)
-- J. and I growing and understanding each other more and more every day
-- I have a roof over my head
-- I have food to eat and clean water to drink
-- I have happy and healthy animals that love me and I love them
-- I am in love with a man that sticks by me through thick and thin and always tries to understand my viewpoint, no matter what
-- I am a strong woman that can survive chaos and come out happy
-- I am good enough for myself and that is truly positive! :-)

Database

What a strange link! Ever wonder if that old bully from high school or maybe even that psychotic ex finally ended up in prison? Well, now you can find out.

Ironically, considering the way I was in high school, I wouldn't be surprised if someone weren't searching this database looking for me.

Meme me, baby.

Oh, how I love a fun new meme. (from Rasee, who is back from India. yayy!)

If I were a...

...month I would be: August.
...day of the week I would be: Saturday.
...time of day I would be: Midnight.
...planet I would be: Jupiter or the Sun.
...direction I would be: East.
...piece of furniture I would be: a hammock.
...liquid I would be: rain water.
...tree, I would be: a Sycamore.
...flower/plant, I would be: an oriental lily.
...kind of weather, I would be: a breezy day.
...mythical creature, I would be: a sorceress.
...musical instrument, I would be: a grand piano.
...color, I would be: midnight blue.
...emotion, I would be: silent amusement.
...vegetable, I would be: baby corn.
...sound, I would be: your favorite song.
...car, I would be: a black 1972 Jaguar XKE Roadster (convertible).
...song, I would be: 'Me and Bobby McGee' by Janis Joplin.
...book, I would be written by: Stephen King (preferably in his Dark Tower mode).
...food, I would be: extra cheesy pizza.
...place, I would be: Kentucky.
...material, I would be: burlap. ;-)
...taste, I would be: strawberry-banana.
...scent, I would be: after the rain.
...body part I would be: the lips and/or the smile.
...subject in school I would be: Drama or Psychology or Recess. ;-)
...cartoon character I would be: Arlene (Garfield's sassy girlfriend.)
...shape I would be: a Cylinder.
...number I would be: Seven.

Decided

Okay, so it's decided. We're going to New York City during the weekend of our birthdays. (July 25th - 29th) We weren't sure if we wanted to go (because of finances), but then a credit card arrived in the mail in my name and all the terms were good, so we activated that baby and we're not so worried now. Woohoo! It's so strange, how everything somehow works itself out. Right when I'm having a week from hell, suddenly things start looking up. My body straightens itself out, my anxiety level lowers tremendously, I begin feeling optimistic again, J. starts feeling better, we start thinking of the possibility of actually taking a vacation this year.. then right when we think 'no, maybe we shouldn't go, money is tight, we need to work on our credit reports so that I can get a credit card and establish some credit, save up in order to buy a house by next spring, a vacation can wait, etc..' we get a credit card offer with great terms the very day that we receive our official New York City tourist guide in the mail. I'm telling you.. someone wants us to go on this trip and you know what? I'm not denying them that at all.
Last night, I had nothing but dreams of Manhattan and what it will be like to ride on a subway for the first time and see those awesome T-Rex bones at the Museum of Natural History.. and then I woke up craving a good slice of New York City cheesecake. ;-)
I swear, I'm going to die from anticipation before we ever even pack.

Photify?

There's new eye candy over at the photolog, so feel free to go on over if you have some time. I'm thinking of starting a notify list for that blog since it's not updated as much as this one, so let me know if you wish to be notified when I have new pics up.. You know where to find me. ;-)

Relief

Yayyy! Rasee sent me an email and she's okay! Whew! :-)

Trip!

So here's the thing... We desperately want a vacation. We want to take said vacation during the long weekend of our birthdays at the end of July. (July 25th to July 29th) We really want to see other cities and know what they are like before we decide to settle down and buy a house in Northern Kentucky. Though we know that we will most likely not be moving across the country anytime soon, we would still like to see what is out there and check out our options. (I feel so strange, like I am cheating on Cincinnati.. "I just want to see other cities, explore my options.. I just need some space for awhile. Can't we just take a break from each other? Why does it have to be such a huge deal? God, you are being such a bitch!" Ahem. Sorry.. got lost for a minute at the emotional baggage claim.)
Anyway, we are seriously considering a small three-day trip to one of three possible cities: New York, Boston (or basically the east coast/New England area in general) or New Orleans. They are all roughly the same distance from us and they are all cities we've never seen before. Honestly, I think we'll be leaning towards New York... a place that I know many of you have been. So, I have some questions:

If you have little money and will only be seeing New York City in a space of three days, where are the best places to go? I know there is always the Empire State Building, MOMA, Statue of Liberty, etc, etc. Those are a given. But where are the really cool places? You know.. the places that aren't usually in a tourist guide and you can only learn from the natives. What are your recommendations?
And most importantly, where can I get the perfect slice of NYC-style pizza?

Or if you have a solid argument as to why we should instead visit one of the other two cities on our list and scrap plans for NYC, feel free to share that with me as well. Drop some suggestions in the comments or just email me. I appreciate any suggestions and if we end up making the trip and I end up actually finding the place you suggested, I'll photograph it for you just to prove that I tried it and that 'Staz wuz there.' So, there you have it.. go to it! :-)

Hallelujah??

So what does it mean when you're period arrives ten days late?

A) You're not pregnant.
B) You're doctor's appointment must now be postponed.
C) You now have cramps and numb, tired legs to replace your constant anxiety just in time to repaint a dozen things and restore a million other things in your house before your landlady comes tonight.
D) God is laughing at you.

Please fill in the circles completely and make your marks clear and dark. Begin.

Damn, what a week.. and it's only Thursday.

You've got me feeling emotions..

I don't know what in the hell is up with me lately.. I know it's been an uber-stressful week, I know that my mind is scattered, but I don't think I've ever been so up-and-down as I have been in the past week. The slightest little thing makes me fly off the handle or cry or scream or shove my fist into a wall. My patience is short, my temper is on edge, my thoughts are jumbled, my anxieties are high. I can't decide if I want to scream, cry, throw something or just go back to bed and be done with this entire month so I can have some certainty and feel normal again.
On top of everything else that's going on, I'm worried for Rasee. After hearing about this incident in Bangladesh, my brain is automatically going into 'worst-case scenario' mode. I know she's on her way back to Thailand from India this week and I'm really scared and hoping that she wasn't on that ferry. Please, let all this stress and nerves just be my normal overreacting brain... pretty please? I'd really like to get on with my July and start looking forward to my birthday again.

Dammit!

I am so panicked right now. Our landlady (who is usually harder to find than Bin Laden, for all I know she could be in a cave in Afghanistan somewhere) has informed us that she will be bringing an appraiser through the house tomorrow evening at 7pm and could she just trouble us for about 15 minutes? No warning, no phone calls, no nothing. The kicker? We were notified via a letter sandwiched in our front door today, 24 fucking hours before she'll be here. A letter in our front door. Dropped off personally. Right next to the cable tie-out for the dog, you know.. the dog she doesn't know we have? Oh, and how about the three extra cats she doesn't know about either? And oh yeah.. the house is a freaking train wreck because we've been ripping up carpet and half of our bedroom furniture is in the office and the hallway carpet is ripped up entirely, showcasing the nasty older floorboards that look like shit.
So, let's see.. how am I going to relocate three cats, move all signs of three extra said cats, explain a hyperactive beagle that we don't have, cover half-finished floorboard/carpet mess, move all bedroom furniture back to bedroom, vacuum, clean and organize house to look as was originally intended in less than 24 hours and for a space of only 15 minutes?
Obviously, I'm not going to do it by sitting here and typing, now am I? *sigh* First though, I am making time for a high-energy banana smoothie. Damn the woman that comes between me and my smoothie time. God knows I'm going to need that energy later and Hell hath no fury like a tired and panicked Staz when faced with an inconsiderate air-headed landlady.

In the news...

Jeez, what is going on with the world today? What takes place in order for you to decide to bring a semi-automatic rifle to work one day and end it all?
And how do you explain to the parents that the risks your daughters were willing to take for this surgery are now a reality and their lives will never be the same?
And when in the hell are people just going to shut up and quit criticizing everything and just relax?
You know, my cats have this talent too. Can they have a job?
It's 11pm, do you know where your python is?
And beware your enemies if you are a professional skydiver. I wonder if this man even knew he had any?
Oh, and I am soooo loving this woman right now. It totally sounds like something I would've done myself. Heaven knows I am certainly not watching those smarmy-ass reporters when they're talking...

When will this day end?

*sigh* Where to begin.. After my hell day today, the evening begins anew.

J. comes home from work with a horrible 'mosquito bite' wound that continues to spread and isn't healing. He says, "Look, it's kind of scabbing over, right?" It looks weird to me. I feel it. It is not a scab. His skin is rock-hard. My mind flashes over everything I ever learned about brown recluses growing up in the woods of Eastern Kentucky and I am instantly reminded that hard skin is a symptom of a bad poisonous infection. Get to a doctor now. J. sees the look on my face and asks, "They're not going to cut my leg off or anything, are they?" ... ignoring him, running for sandals and car keys ... "Sweetie?"

So we go to the urgent care clinic, wait for nearly 90 minutes in a crowded waiting room of near-sociopaths and all-around strange individuals while J. continually resists the urge to scratch himself to death. Finally, we are called in and J. is immediately startled because the nurse takes one look at it and says, "Oh wow." She looks worried. I immediately have dramatic images swirling in my head of J. dying on a hospital bed hooked up to a million tubes while I raise my fist in angry grief and declare, "All the spiders on Earth will die! I will make it so! For you, my love! If I must spend the rest of my days searching for them through the grass and smashing each one with my shoe, if the earth shall be swallowed in an anarchy of fearless insects, then so be it! No one should be forced to feel this grief! No one!"

Finally, the doctor comes in, shakes our hands, introduces himself, takes one look at J.'s leg and says, "Wow. Looks like you got a bad case of poison ivy."

J. and I respond in unison: "What?"

Doctor: "Oh yeah, textbook case of poison ivy. I see this all the time. I'm just going to write you a prescription for some steroids and antihistamines, then we'll give you a cortizone shot and you'll be on your way."

Me: "It's not a spider bite?"

J.: "Trust me, she knows her spiders. She hates them."

Doctor: "Oh yeah? You arachnophobic? Me too. I hate centipedes myself. Nope, this is just poison ivy. Probably got it cutting grass and cut a sumac plant and the juice sprayed you. That's why it's spread out so much and looks so bad."

Us: "Oh."

And that's it. Picked up our four prescriptions, stopped for some dinner and headed home (with J. suitably dopey after his shot). The funny part was watching J. get a shot in the butt for the first time in his life. He gritted his teeth and whispered under his breath in agony, "Son of a bitch! That hurts!" He now has a little purple bruise on his butt cheek. It makes me laugh.

I know that I am a dramatic person, especially when I am worried. But come on.. wouldn't this make you freak out a little, too? (the photo doesn't do it justice, it really does look much worse than this, and you wouldn't believe how bad his ankle is swollen.. no. really.):

It's funny how dramatic life can be at times and then how much drama you can create on your own without any of life's help, thank you very much. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to make some good cds and forget about life with my head wrapped in music for just a little while. Good night.. and stay away from those spiders, ok? They really are dangerous... I swear.

ugh.

On top of everything else that's going on, we are getting ready to rush J. to an urgent care clinic. His leg looks horrible and I am suspecting that what we originally thought were mosquito bites is actually one large brown recluse spider bite. It's spreading and his entire leg is swollen and he has a small grade fever. Have I mentioned just how much I fucking hate spiders?

*sigh* Jeez.. what a day.... Wish us luck.

little spastic journal entry

There's a new entry over at the photolog, though it only contains one very poor photo. It's mostly words, but I chose to put it there because it's very private and I didn't feel like sharing it here. So, if you have the password and are interested in my brain in the midst of a panic attack, feel free to go on over. (If you feel that you'd like to have the password and I haven't given it to you yet, email me and I'll let you know.)

Things are better. I thank everyone that commented and sent me emails concerning this entry. Nothing has changed, per se, but I am feeling better and doing better at trying to clear my head and relax a little. I'll be responding to everyone's comments later with a longer entry. Right now, I can't seem to get an appointment anywhere because of the holiday weekend, so I figure the best thing to do is just forget about it until Monday and enjoy the sunshine. Which is exactly what I'm off to do.. Go, enjoy yours too! :-)

Buggy

Weird.. when you click on the 'give me more' link to see my extended entries, it automatically takes you to the same entry over and over again. Even if it's not the entry you originally clicked on. I don't understand why that's happening and I honestly don't know how to fix it. I guess just scroll down to the entry you want to read for now. I'll have to fix it later...

Vent

I need to vent. I'm pissed, frustrated, worried, scared shitless, confused, lonely and lost. That about cover it? If not, then allow me to explain...

This is going to be disjointed, but I need to express and get this shit out of my head, so here goes:

-- I want a love that doesn't need words. I want to stop repeating myself and explaining my every single intention and just live with that other person that's always connected to me intuitively. That person that just knows what I want and doesn't have to throw his hands up and declare in a whiney voice, "I don't know what you want!" Why not? Why don't you know what I want? Aren't we soulmates? If so, don't soulmates have that extra-intuitive depth about each other? That connection that surpasses each others' expectations? Aren't soulmates always surprising each other with how well they know each other and how much they know about what the other is thinking? How well they just know and don't have to constantly explain what they want?

-- Am I just being selfish? Expecting too much? Expecting that perfect partner that understands my every motive and action and works with it and can read my moods and understand me without me having to constantly explain every little-fucking-thing to him? So if I am being selfish.. then what? How do I fix that? How do I learn to love someone that I am constantly feeling incompatible with? Yes, we love each other. Yes, we have been through hell and back and yes, we have changed a lot and grown together. So if I am constantly feeling the pull and curiosity of a possibly different life somewhere with a different (hypothetical) someone that understands me better and isn't so different from me, does that mean I'm being selfish or does that mean that I am honestly not with the right person?
Hell, does it just mean that I am being too much of a perfectionist and am finding the easy way out by focusing on his faults? How do you know when it's right, dammit? How do you know? (And don't give me that 'you just know' bullshit. I hate that more than anything. How do you just know? How? How? How? What takes place in order for you to "just know?")

I have prayed so hard on this, even though I'm not a religious person and I'm not even sure how to pray and who/what I'm praying to. I have begged and begged for a sign, a yes or no sign. Please, don't let me waste my life with the wrong person.. don't let me get married and have children and always live with this 'what if?' doubt in my brain and get divorced after ten years and put my children through hell and don't let me go through 4 marriages like my parents just because I didn't know what I wanted or because I continually passed up a good thing out of selfishness.. Please, just let me know I'm doing the right thing, living the right life. I have yet to see any sort of sign and to be honest, I'm not even sure I'd know it if I saw it.

I guess I just want someone more similar to me and it's a desire that's coming more and more often and I'm wondering if someone isn't trying to tell me something. I want someone that understands my right-brain functioning and understands emotions and music and the power of sunlight, the power of poetry, the power of fantasy and romance, understands how much all of these things are undeniably important in my world. I want someone that doesn't have to totally re-program himself in order to dream or be romantic. I want someone that doesn't mind grocery shopping with me at 2am. I guess maybe I just want someone that understands me more than observes me and learns my habits out of necessity. There is a difference, you know.

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Also on my mind..

-- I want a vacation so damn bad, I can taste it in my mouth and it kills me. I want a getaway. I want to go somewhere and see the world. The east coast, the west coast, the deep south, the green fields of Ireland, the rainy streets of London, the cultures of India and Europe and Italy. I want to know that there is something out there besides this fucking uptight hellhole known as Cincinnati where there is nothing to do and everyone closes up their houses and hides out in the suburbs after 10pm. I want to know that there is indeed life out there somewhere and that me feeling dead inside is in fact due to my environment and my increasing loneliness in this city and not my own damn brain. I want to go out and see life, experience the world in a giant group of friends or alone, come home whole and stop envying other people's smiles and laughter and wish that I had a life where I felt like laughing with honesty again.

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A separate issue:

-- I am nearly one week late on my period. There is absolutely no way in hell that I am pregnant. I am not the Virgin Mary and I don't believe that I am capable of an immaculate conception. Just to be sure though.. last night, I took two pregnancy tests and they both were a glaring 'not pregnant.' What in the hell does that mean? I've never been very regular, but I have always had a period every 28 days, more or less. I went back and looked at our old calendars for the past two years and the latest my period had ever been was 3 days over a year ago during a very stressful month. When my mom was my age, she had to have a partial hysterectomy (removal of uterus) due to abnormal papsmear results. Either way, me missing a period does not look good. I discussed this with my mother and she was comforting and nonchalant about it. She actually got me laughing. Her basic response is, "You're getting older and your body's just changing. Maybe your cycle is just readjusting itself." I would love to go to the gynecologist and figure this out, but we have no money right now and I have no insurance and I don't see it happening.

My question: Should I wait and see if my period just arrives late this month or do I wait another month and see if I've missed another period before I go to the doctor?

I'm scared. J and I are always extremely careful, but my mind is racing and I am sooo not ready to be a parent. I'm not even sure if I ever want to be a parent and I certainly don't want to be a parent right now at all. Then again, I don't want to have cancer.

So what in the hell do I do?

Right now, I just keep trying to keep my stress level low and keep myself occupied with other things. But usually, all I end up doing is praying and trying not to cry.

Yay!

We did it! After taking a risk and ripping up the carpet in our bedroom (and receiving the okay from our landlord), and discovering a horrible mess, we finally refinished the hardwood and restored that old forgotten floor!

Apparently, the idiot that lived here before us (who we continue to hear horror stories about from all the neighbors) had spray-painted all the walls rather than using regular paint. (You wouldn't believe how much crap I had to go through just to re-paint these old plaster walls after all that bullshit.) In the process, he also created a hell of a mess by allowing the spray paint to just spill over and cover the hardwood and didn't bother to clean it up. I mean, that's what carpet is for, right? The great cover-upper? Jeez.. what an idiot.

Anyway.. after discovering that chemical strippers were too harsh (because, again, it's f*&%ing spray paint, not regular latex paint that peels off easily), we were forced to get down on our hands and knees and scrub the entire floor with acetone. However, the fumes made me dizzy and I was coughing my brains out in the first five minutes, so J. was left to his own devices for this one. Poor, sweet, dedicated J... Wearing knees pads and scrubbing every single board in that floor with acetone for nearly 4 days straight while we slept in a very cluttered house and in the middle of the dining room for crying out loud. But, he never complained once and I love him for it..
Sadly, that was all for just one room. *sigh* Next, we get to do the office and the hallway, but that's okay. We definitely learned the hard way how to do things easier.. So, ya wanna see it, right?

Here's the before, what we found when we ripped up the carpet. (Of course, when you're doing home improvement, the animals must be in your business constantly. We've gotten used to it.)

And, finally after almost three weeks and 3 coats of polyurethane and lots of sweat... here's the after:

Woohoo! In 24 more hours, we can finally put the bed back in place and begin sleeping peacefully again! Yayyy!

Pointless Tirade

I know my petfinder link is all screwed up at the moment and I honestly have no idea how to fix it. That f*#@ing thing has given me nothing but trouble since I moved to MT and I don't know what to do about it. Some days it's centered (like I settled on since I couldn't get it to align to the left completely) and some days it's all screwed up like it is today. I don't want to take it down, but I'm getting tired of wasting hours in front of this damn computer trying to fix something that just gets buggier and buggier.. As you can see, I'm in an excellent mood right now.

I initially started this new site feeling great and proud of myself and I'm still very proud of the layout and the fact that I figured all this stuff out on my own. However, my 'mouse-hand' (right hand) is becoming more and more painful and stiff everyday and last night I couldn't even move my elbow because the pain was so bad. I don't want to sit here and code something that's not going to work for me anyway and end up with horrible pain in my arm and hand for the next 24 hours as a result. It just gets very annoying.. I seriously hate wasting time and I have no patience for the little things in life that drive me crazy. I guess it's just one of those days where I'm likely to snap at anything or anyone and it doesn't occur to me to apologize when I do. Just cross your fingers and hope that my period arrives soon so that I can be done with all of this emotional madness.

Scavenger Hunt!

Hey, I have a photoblog now! I can do this! Woohoo! Time to get started baby.. :-)

I may post my results here at the regular blog in August anyway. We'll see what happens.

Art?

Holy crap.. I think I've finally seen it all. A ballerina? Oh man, is that supposed to be her leg? Yep, I've definitely seen it all now.