Burlap Soul

Cathartic Hodgepodge Update

So, what do you do when the field that you're studying isn't what you really want to do? What do you do when you're too far along to change course or quit? What do you do when debt has the power to abruptly end everything and leave you with no choice?

We live in a strange paradox around here lately. Our rent is late. Our air-headed, snobby landlady is having fits and acts as though 'we don't have money for rent' is not a concept she's ever heard of or even knows how to handle. However, my family has been made aware of our situation and really wants to help us, but they're all broke. I expected as much. My family has never even been remotely close to middle-class, but my mom has rolled pennies and given me bags of loose change so that I would have gas money, even when she couldn't afford to do so. J.'s family? Well, that's a different story. His sister makes six-figures a year and acts as though loaning us $100 is something we should feel horribly guilty for even asking for.. and then gives J. constant lectures on managing his money. She's an accountant so it's obvious she's always in need. Obviously, none of them have ever been engineers in a screwed-up job market and a bad economy.

We've decided that we're going to move across the river to Kentucky where everything seems to be ridiculously cheaper. This was our original plan anyway, but we hadn't planned on ever renting again. We've looked at some nice townhomes (that have very good rent rates) and settled on renting again and lying about the number of pets we have until we're back on our feet. However, the only way this is going to happen is if J. gets a good job soon. Lately, it's not looking promising. Hell, right now we don't even have enough money for groceries and gas. I still don't know how we're going to handle things when our cupboards (and the car) goes empty. Ironically, most of the bills are paid and up to date. It's the rent that's a bitch.

I'm amazed at how horrible the job market is around here. J. has applied for jobs all over the country now and there's a very real possibility that he will be moving to Chicago in order to find work. Currently, he's found a job selling phones in the mall for Verizon for $10/hr. It's ridiculous pay for this area and it won't cover much at all, but we need some cash flow and we're desperate.. and it's the only thing that's been offered so far. I don't know where this 'booming economy' is that everyone keeps talking about, but if you find it, let me know, ok?

I'm supposed to be working on a paper/presentation for a mass media class tomorrow night, but I've decided that I'm going to drop the class tomorrow morning. It's called Race, Gender and Mass Media and it fulfills my 'diversity' requirement at school (yes, we have a 'diversity' requirement). The shitty part is that even though it sounded like a cool class in the beginning, the teacher is ruining it for everyone. There have been five classes so far and the teacher is so incredibly biased that all we have covered is Black/White racism. We have yet to cover anything remotely related to mass media or any other race and we haven't even begun to cover gender issues. Even shittier? There's no mention on the syllabus of us ever covering anything other than black/white issues. It's frustrating as hell to all of the students in there, though I think I'm the only one with the balls to drop it this late into the semester... but honestly, I can't stand another bullshit class like this one. During my entire time in college I've taken 'Sociology of Race and Gender,' 'World Cultures,' 'Psychology of Race and Gender,' and 'The History of Women and The Feminist Movement in the Media.' But guess what? None of these classes count, so I have to take 'Race, Gender and Mass Media' to graduate. WTF? So, I've had my fill of politically correct classes and have decided to take a simple geography class instead to fulfill this requirement. The reason I didn't do so in the first place was because I was confusing geography with geology and thought I'd jump off a bridge if I had to take another damn class about tectonic plates and mineral rocks. (Some people might find that interesting, but the classes themselves just bore me to death... so I'll pass.) Now it kind of sucks, because I wished I'd realized sooner that I was just confusing geography with geology.

That's another thing that's bugging me lately. My absolute inability to think clearly anymore. The simplest things slip my mind and when they do occur to me, it's a day late and a dollar short. It's like there's a block in my brain that rational thinking can't bypass. Again, I think it's a physical problem, but I'm also not ruling out our current environment. I've been so preoccupied with getting the rent paid and saving our asses with this debt we've found ourselves in, that my schoolwork is being put on the back burner. Sure, I'm doing the homework and turning in the assignments, but I'm certainly not retaining anything or concentrating well enough to remember the answers when needed. To be honest, concentrating on anything remotely related to school seems like too much.

It sucks and I know that our options are limited. Either I quit school and work full-time and give up this damn degree I've been working so hard for and am finally close to getting.. or J. leaves town to work in another city 5-6 hours away and I survive on my own for the winter... or we get evicted and give up everything we've worked so hard for and live at my mom's (an hour away from everything -- including school and civilization) or in our car.

Neither option sounds very appealing, but they're the only things we've got right now and it's all I can do to even concentrate on getting out of bed in the morning. So I guess you'll have to excuse me, professor, if I don't feel like typing another 5-7 page paper on what it's like to live with 'white privilege.' I don't see things in black and white in my world and I certainly don't live with the privileges you think I do.

Things aren't as bad as I make them seem sometimes, I guess. It's just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you can't even find your way in the dark.

Welcome to Subconscious Hell! What's your dream?

Why must I be confronted with nightmares back to back? I can go for weeks on end with nothing too horrid or memorable, but then suddenly I'll get slammed with one horrendous nightmare after another all in one night. I hate it when my subconscious plays catch-up and screws up my mornings all in one fell swoop. Bastard.
The funny part is waking up with a gasp and turning to see Gypsy and J. both snoring away beside me. Then the bewildered look on Gypsy's face when I hug her so tight her eyes might pop out.

Armor

Sometimes I am absolutely terrified of just how much I love him and just how much I'm willing to fight to the death in order to never admit it. Survivors can never depend on anyone else or allow any room for weaknesses, or else they are vulnerable and possible victims again. Being vulnerable is somehow the worst sin at all in my world, even though I would never tell you that. Admitting that you love someone and allowing yourself to love them fully and with your entire soul and spirit is still the scariest thing of all to me. Cracking open that exoskeleton and allowing those innards to show through, exposed to the elements however harsh or pleasant they may be... it's all just too scary for words. I am amazed sometimes at just how much armor I continue to wear and how many layers I have yet to chisel through. Even more so, I am petrified of the day when I tap into another layer and realize that I have finally broken through and am now only tapping that inner soft lining that leads to my own heart.

Rainfall

Have I mentioned that nothing turns me on more than the sound of heavy rainfall? Especially at 2am or early in the morning. Of course, if I'm not turned on, then I'm usually sleeping like a baby to that soothing lullaby. It's pouring rain outside right now and it's everything I can do to keep from opening every window in the house and rejoicing in the feel of that electric wind passing between the raindrops.

The Cure for Novocaine Brain

Oooh.. 12 hour school day.
Me no think now.
Brain go poof.
Time for quizzes.

You're Most Like The Season Winter ...

You're often depicted as the cold, distant season.
But you're incredibly intelligent, mature and
Independant. You have an air of power around
you - and that can sometimes scare people off.
You're complex, and get hurt easily - so you
rarely let people in if you can help it. You
can be somewhat of a loner, but just as easily
you could be the leader of many. You Tend to be
negative, and hard to relate to, but you give
off a relaxed image despite being insecure -
and secretly many people long to be like you,
not knowing how deep the Winter season really
is.

Well done... You're the most inspirational of
seasons :)


?? Which Season Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

You're goin' down! FOR ASSISTED SUICIDE! (even
though it was good you did it)

What Would You Go to Jail For? (Many outcomes)
brought to you by Quizilla

You are the mystery woman


Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You have wonderful taste in movies, music, and so
on. I am just so proud of you,
it.....well.....I think I love you.


Do you have good taste?
brought to you by Quizilla

you're e. d/dx e^x = e^x, but you were busy
looking out the window when the professor was
explaining that


what geeky number are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

And on that note.. I'm off to beddy-by. Night all!

About Murphy's Law...

There's a little entry over at the photolog, but it doesn't contain photos. I just needed to vent and didn't feel like dealing with the search engine crap and the trolls that would likely result from my post. If you don't want to read it, I won't be offended.

First Day of Autumn

Today is the first day of autumn. Usually, I feel uplifted and refreshed by this. Fall is probably my favorite season. Today however.. I don't know. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I'm feeling very, well.. neglected. Maybe 'left behind' is a better way of putting it.
There's just so much chaos and uncertainty going on around us lately and everything revolves around J. and jobs and money and 'networking' (god, what a stupid word) with his old friends back in Detroit and I see him so cheerful when he gets to talk to his buddies again and laugh with them on the phone and I'm happy for him... but I guess I also just feel so left out.

I have a horrible time making new friends and ever since we've moved to Cincinnati, I honestly haven't made a single close buddy. We've lived here 3 years (though I lived here 4 years off and on before that) and there's a girl in one of my classes that I talk to a lot and laugh with, but we've never exchanged phone numbers or gone out anywhere or anything like that. I don't know what it is, but I honestly get along better with guys than girls. When I'm confronted with the possibility of making a new female friend, I panic and get nervous as hell. I instantly feel awkward.

Online, I have a nice handful of very supportive and cool female readers that I consider very close friends. However, I hardly ever send emails to these women and I've yet to exchange a phone number with any of them... though they're in my thoughts daily (you really are, ladies, very much so). It's just strange to me.. how I've worked so hard throughout my life to rid myself of demons and yet it never occurred to me to work on tearing down the walls those demons created.

So now here I am.. wishing I had friends I could just call up and say Hi to and instantly feel welcome and maybe even get invited out to dinner or just have a good refreshing conversation. I have Pasty, my best friend that still lives in my hometown and no one will ever replace her and I know I could call her whenever I needed something... but well, that's just it. She's still in my hometown and she's still caught up in the gossip and small-town head-twisting garbage that accompanies that life. I left that life. I live in a bigger city now and though we will always have a connection that defies explanation, it's difficult to relate to her as much as I used to. I still love her. We still laugh on the phone or whenever I go home and we have a great time, but sometimes I just get sick of hearing about which ex-boyfriend of mine she saw at Wal-mart the other day or what weird guy from high school asked her out on Friday night and blah, blah, blah. Some people never escape that town and even when they do, it's still very easy to stay there in your own head.

I guess maybe I just wish I had more than one good personal friend that I could talk to. Honestly, I wish had some friends that were just interested in hanging out with me at home or in a diner somewhere or just watching cool independent movies together or just coming over and hanging out while I make dinner for them. I basically just wish that all the people in my age group weren't so damn obsessed with going out to bars and getting smashed and talking about one-night stands and "oh my god, this guy the other night was just so awesome, you should've seen him, we were so smashed.. blah blah blah" all the damn time. That's all I ever see anyone talk about in college (yes, even the older students) and it just bores the hell out of me. I want no part of that. I wish I could just hang out with someone that wouldn't totally freak out and look at me like I'm insane when I say, "No, thanks. I don't drink." or, "No, no drugs either." Sorry, but I was never a party girl. Deal with it. Get to know me before you assume I'm just some 'goody-two-shoes-have-no-fun' prude. In actuality, you might realize that I'm pretty cool and funny and can be a total goofball maniac if needed... and yes, that is possible without liquor.

I don't know... I guess I'm rambling. Really, what I'm trying to say is that sometimes it just gets incredibly lonely in this city and there doesn't seem to be a single person in Cincinnati that I can relate to on any level. I don't know if it's this area or if I'm just some non-partying twenty-something anomaly that no one can seem to understand. Either way.. here we are, on the cusp of some major life-directing decisions and I feel left behind.

There's a very real possibility that J. could be going back to his old job in Detroit soon, surrounded by old friends and a nice support system and a good paycheck that will help us out of our current debt. And even if he doesn't go to Detroit, he may be taking some jobs that require him to travel the country and stay in hotels and make great money, but be away from home for weeks at a time. However, I will be staying here to finish college.. by myself.

All very scary prospects. I'm not afraid of being alone. I've lived alone before and it doesn't bother me most of the time. I know that the money would help us get back up on our feet and we'd be able to buy a home within the next year and it would only be temporary. I know that it's the only option that's even remotely open to us right now. I know all of these positive benefits. I just can't help but be overwhelmed by the one great negative. Winter's coming and I know I'll be stuck inside, overwhelmed by schoolwork and more chores and things to do, and no one to share dinner with or talk to when I need it. Dinners for One and lonely showers and no one to kill the spiders. Not having anyone to bring me Pepto when my stomach's being it's usual pissy-self, not having someone to just talk to me and tell me how their day was and ask me about mine. Overwhelmed by the magnitude of my own thoughts and no one to hold me or talk to me when it gets cold and silent and dark at 7pm and there are still five more hours to go before I can go to sleep.

It's almost enough to make me cry. I don't want him to go, but I don't want to continue living like this and treading constant water and never getting ahead, no matter how hard we try. As I've said, I'm not afraid of being alone. I'm just afraid of the loneliness.

Strangely uplifting quote of the day

After a short dance to a song on Public Radio... my man turns to me, gives me a hug and says possibly one of the best things anyone has said to me in a while:

"I've never been so happy to be utterly destitute."

Hee hee.. I love you too, sweetie. ;-)
(By the way, have you stopped by his place lately? We cleaned it up last night and made it all purty 'n stuff. Woo-boy, look at all 'dem goofy colors!)

Oktoberfest. It's the fo schnitzel. Yo.

Sorry... Things are better since that last entry. No new developments, but an overall improvement of mood and morale among us. It's just that.. well, everything around us right now is so uncertain and full of turmoil and worry and weighted decisions.
So, I guess this place will be a little moody or downright bipolar for a little while. At least until we have some sense of security in our lives. Right now, we have nothing and everything changes in the time it takes to answer the phone, so things are chaotic and downright depressing and stationary all at the same time. Just send some good thoughts our way if you get a chance and cross your fingers for our sanity if you should feel so inclined. And if this place becomes a little too emotional for you, well I don't know what to tell you. This is me. This is my life. These are my thoughts. These are my emotions. I can't promise you endless optimism and happy entries. All I can promise is that I will be myself, mood swings and all... and that is just fine with me.

In other news, we've decided to say 'fuck it' to worrying about shit this weekend and are headed downtown to Oktoberfest with my mom and her boyfriend Mike. Certainly massive amounts of drunken people wearing lederhosen and dancing to accordion music will help lift this funk-mood we're stuck in lately. If it doesn't, then I'm afraid there's no hope for us. I'll save a weiner-schnitzel for you... or maybe just some spaetzle. (oh, come on. Just say it with me. You know you love it. ;-)

So this is how it goes, huh?

We scrimp and save and never spend a penny of my financial aid money on anything frivolous. We save every receipt from the past two months and calculate every expense and come out utterly confused. We watch our finances and budgets to the fucking penny and here we are, still penniless no matter how hard we try.

We don't have enough money to cover the rent for October. We have food, we have essentials, but we don't have enough to pay for the roof over our heads or for the transportation we need to get back and forth to school and job interviews. If something doesn't happen in the next two weeks, we could lose everything... including each other.

The phone continues to stay silent. J. has started to apply for janitor and busdriver positions now (he has a CDL) and still the phone does not ring. He has sent out over 1,000 resumes (and that is no joke) over the past two months and has been willing to commute as far as Columbus (2 hours) for work. Still, nothing concrete from anyone or anywhere. We have both agreed that I won't work so that I can focus my full attention on school and on getting out of there and into the working world as fast as possible. Despite my protests, J. will not allow it and does not even want to consider me dropping out of school (so that we could move) or jeopardizing my academic progress for anything.

As of tomorrow morning, he will be packing a bag and heading back to Detroit to look for work and to see if he can at least make enough money to pay the rent for us so that I can stay here and continue school. Our rent is the cheapest we've seen around and we couldn't afford to move even if we wanted to. Our landlady is likely the only person we know of that will deal with our animal situation and it has already been agreed that no matter what happens, the animals stay. They are not the cause of our debt and they cost us virtually nothing and give us priceless amounts of joy in the most desperate of times. So we have decided it is not worth it to give up or relocate a single one of them. Not one.

It has never been this bad before. We've been broke beyond belief. We've had bare cupboards and lived off of canned goods and boxed rice during those painful 3-day stretches right before payday... but we've always been able to cover the rent. Now we can't. Now we have no payday coming and every promising lead we had a month ago has dried up or given us countless, "we're reconsidering that position" responses. The economy is sucking something royal and I just don't understand how there isn't a single phone call coming in. All we're asking for is an interview, just a fucking chance.. yet nothing.

We have done nothing but argue and cry and argue some more for the past three days. We are scared shitless and have no plan of escape or anything even remotely hopeful on the horizon. Money has finally managed to tear us apart. I don't know how to deal with this.

Sidenote

There are new entries over at the photolog if you're feeling so inclined. Oh, and it's all prettied up for autumn, too. ;-)

Brain.. slowly... dying...

Studying has commenced (for 5 straight hours) and is now finished.
Assignments are completed, stapled and ready to turn in.
Migraine is slowly beginning, but will most likely subside with sleep.
Neck is unable to comprehend anything but hunchback position.
Eyes are dry, exhausted and painful.
Brain is slowly disintegrating into mush.
Kitchen table is covered in eraser debris.
Hands are cramped.
Test is in 8 hours.
I can learn no more.
Wish me luck.

In which I give myself an ass-kicking

You know you're at the height of procrastination when you're actually considering sweeping your front porch and cleaning the house rather than study for your huge exam tomorrow.
But dammit, why should I have to sit inside with my nose pressed in the books when it's so beautiful and cool and gorgeous outside? Aaaaarrrrgghhhhh!!!

Alright, dammit. Get off this thing and study, study, study. Do it, dammit! ... Go!! ... Now!!

... NOW!!

Spam! Wonderful Spam!

Possibly the best-titled yet most confusing piece of spam I've ever received:

"Times are hard for these hoes, no money, but they have ass."

Discuss.

Partecipazione Positivo!

-- A wonderful day in the park on Thursday with J. and Gypsy and..
-- finally getting to fly J.'s awesome kite that my mom bought for him nearly six months ago
-- Johnny Cash is at peace and no longer fighting with his body or missing his wife and..
-- I have an entire lifetime of music and memories to help keep him with me
-- Spending the weekend doing lots of nothing and taking lots of naps
-- Seeing J. go out on job interviews dressed up all snazzy and sharp in his sexy suit
-- Getting a B+ on my Italian homework!
-- Starting our plans and brainstorming for Halloween Madness 2003.. hell yeah, baby! (wow, that page really needs updated, huh? oops. ;-)
-- A new awesome Halloween store opened this year only ten minutes from our house!
-- Watching J. study his ass off for his EIT exam in October and seeing him do so well with all that horrendous level 4 calculus (math?... ewww.)
-- Being able to go home and celebrate my dad's birthday and..
-- getting him a nice wallet that he desperately needed (I'm not kidding you.. his old one was being held together with two strings and a paperclip. my dad throws nothing away.. there were receipts in there from 1998!)
-- My energy level is good, my sleep schedule is decent and I'm actually devoting time to doing homework and staying on top of assignments! wow!
-- Having a good 3-hour long phone conversation with my mom the other day about whatever and catching up and laughing the entire time
-- A full pantry and kitchen, stocked with fresh groceries
-- Preparing a surprise for a friend
-- Not beating myself up if I don't feel good enough to go to class and..
-- not stressing out if I get a little behind or don't understand
-- Watching CSI marathons with J. and having someone that loves to be a couch-detective as much as me
-- Lots of good lounging time with J. and lots of talks and laughter.. enjoying having him home more while it lasts
-- Mercury goes out of retrograde on Saturday! (damn you, fickle planet!)
-- Watching as Gypsy becomes calmer and our hard work finally begins to pay off (now if we could only do something about those destructive teeth of hers...)
-- Enjoying my yummy homemade lasagna (and leftovers!)
-- Having an outlet that helps me understand my emotions better and..
-- having wonderful online friends that send support and emails (you know who you are.. thank you!)
-- Redesigning my site with little difficulty and really liking the results (ahhh, calming blue.. how I love to love you..)
-- Taking more pictures lately and enjoying myself
-- Getting through life, despite the hurdles
-- I have a roof over my head
-- I have food to eat and clean water to drink
-- I have happy and healthy animals that love me and I love them
-- I have a wonderful family that makes me laugh
-- I have a generous, loving man in my life that wants to make our dreams come true and doesn't regret the necessary sacrifices to make that possible
-- I am feeling good and confident in myself lately and I am very proud of all the work I've done in order to be who I am :-)

And so the steam valve, having steamed, moves on

Quoted from an email to Nicole, concerning my last entry:

I do turn my anger into fuel most of the time, but it's just hard when it's 3am and you're feeling so incredibly suffocated by your current situation that you just want to scream.

So basically, I did just that. I screamed on my blog. Immediately after writing it, I felt better and went to bed. I do realize how hard I'm working and I know that it will eventually pay off... it just seems like forever and the financial struggles that J. and I have been through these past few years just seem to keep growing despite our best efforts, so it gets downright depressing sometimes.. but in the end I know it will be worth it. It's just nice to hear that other people know my frustration and that I am indeed not alone.. so thank you to everyone that commented or sent an email. Even if it was just an 'I know how you feel'.. it helps to feel somewhat validated in my frustration and to know that I am not the only disillusioned yet still struggling person out there.

As for today, however.. I'm feeling better. We are still scared shitless and worried about money and wondering how in the hell we are going to pay the rent for next month, not to mention the car payment, bills, gas for getting to and from school, etc etc.. but these worries are really nothing new. I guess maybe it's just a new day with new possibilities and we are hoping for the best. Then again, it's no longer 3am and the sun is shining, so that could very well explain everything. ;-)

3am Rant

Am I the only person that isn't fulfilled with my life because I don't feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be at this point? Am I the only person in my late twenties that doesn't get some huge satisfaction out of binge-drinking and partying all the goddamn time? Am I the only person that feels stuck in a ridiculously suffocating rut where the things I really want seem so far out of reach and the things I have I never even wanted?

Everyone else seems to be moving on with their lives in such a positive fashion and hanging out with their peers at parties and making lots of money and enjoying moving into a grown-up life... while I am still in fucking college, busting my ass for a degree after ten years of on-again/off-again academic hell and changing my major three times... while we are stuck in a city that we despise and are unable to move out of because of fucking money (still!) and because of these stupid academic commitments I should've finished long ago... while we are in an actual healthy relationship and unable to cement it and do what we want to do and get an engagement ring and share our happiness with the world and buy a home together and start a life together and start to finally create a real home together, but we can't because of fucking. money. again.

All I want to do is move forward in life and it feels as though life wants to do nothing but keep me pedaling backwards, watching as everyone else goes by with smiles and optimistic dreams. All I want to do is grow old with grace and live each day with fulfillment, rather than anxiety, suffocation and exasperation about dwindling finances and oppressive surroundings. I want to grow up and move on instead of just grow old and give up.

I am busting my ass and treading water and I continue to get nowhere. The 'prosperous future' I am working so hard for seems so far away and some days it doesn't seem like it will come at all. It fucking sucks and I am fucking sick of it.

Passin' Through

Warren Zevon, John Ritter and Johnny Cash... all gone in a space of one week.

I've been listening to my Warren Zevon cd all week and wondering about death and how exactly I feel about it. I watched John Ritter's new show last week for the first time and I remember being surprised at how funny it actually was and wanting to catch it again this week... then hearing the news this morning on the radio and thinking What the fuck?

But mostly..

I remember my dad trying to teach me how to play Folsom Prison Blues on the guitar when I was twelve. I remember thinking that I'd rather sing along with those ultra-cool lyrics rather than play the chords that hurt my fingers. I remember my dad always making us laugh when he would do his 'Daddy sang bass' line in his best Johnny Cash voice. I remember debating with my dad about the most beautiful Johnny Cash song. To this day, I still want Flesh and Blood played at my wedding. I remember gaining a whole new appreciation for him when I was a goth-punk-teenager and he decided to cover Glenn Danzig. I remember my dad getting all googly-eyed over my Johnny Cash box sets that I received for Christmas a few years ago and picking out the songs he wanted me to copy for him. I remember sitting at my family's home in Eastern Kentucky at 2am and seeing the "Hurt" video come on for the first time. I remember being so moved at the strength of this man I had come to worship throughout my life. In that moment, I realized that he wasn't going to be on this planet much longer. I realized that death comes eventually, no matter who you are and that legends don't live forever as I would like. I realized that I would never be able to accurately explain the power of Johnny Cash to my children and that someday I wouldn't even be able to have my dad sing them a song in order to illustrate this brilliance, as he had always sang to me when I couldn't understand.
Today I remember coming home from class and listening as NPR played a block of songs from the Man in Black as a tribute. I remember standing in the sunbeam and staring out the window as I listened to the lyrics that shaped my childhood and my relationship with my father.

I went down, down, down.. and the flames went higher... and it burns, burns, burns.. the Ring of Fire.. the Ring of Fire

I remember hearing one of the most beautiful versions of one of the most lonely songs on the planet, hearing that driving piano and thinking of that video with images from an entire lifetime passing so quickly before your eyes and I felt the tears finally come.

You can have it all...my empire of dirt... I will let you down... I will make you hurt... If I could start again a million miles away... I would keep myself... I would find a way...

I know at some point today, my dad will call me and there will be a tired sorrow in his voice that he will try to conceal and I know he will just ask me one question.. "So, did you hear?" And I will say, "Yes." And he will sigh and say, "Yeah.. me too."

The world has changed today. Godspeed, Mr. Cash... and thank you, for everything. May you revel in the arms of your wife and friends as much as we reveled in the comfort of your music.

There's one thing that's for certain
One chord that rings true
It's a mighty world we live in
But the truth is, we're only passin' through.

-- Passin' Through (Don Henley, Earl Scruggs and of course.. Johnny Cash)

Oh No! Not again! It's Meme-mania!

I've already given Rasee my one word in an email, but I'll repeat it here: Brave. I admire anyone that assumes responsibility for his/her emotions like she does...

So now it's your turn. As Rasee has instructed... "In a comment sum up your thoughts about me in one word. Then put this in your own journal to see what everyone thinks of you."
You heard the woman.. go for it.

And.. as long as I'm passing the meme-doobie around, I figured who better to get a great buzz from than Jules, right? Enjoy...

Firsts

First car: 1985 and 1/2 (yes, there are such things) powder blue Ford Escort. I covered it in a mixture of Danzig, Pantera and Tori Amos window decals. Then I used reflective mailbox letters to spell out 'Nuke the Gay Whales for Jesus' across the back bumper. I loved it. My dad was furious. Naturally, it stayed for as long as possible.

First real date: Seeing Benny and Joon with my high-school psycho-firstlove-headfuck sweetheart

First real kiss: Age 16 with same guy as above when I went to his house after school for a 'study date.' (I can't believe any parent on the planet still believes that bullshit.) It contained all the great qualities a first real teenage kiss should have.. a horrendous mashing of teeth, massively sweaty palms and no real idea what the hell we should be doing, while simultaneously claiming we have our own personal 'techniques.'

First break-up: *sigh*.. Same guy, three times. Twice in Junior year and then once and finally in Senior year of high school. Only once was it amicable and friendly. All three times, he begged for me to come back. All three times, I did, even if only for a day. Throwing his lace-up black gothic gloves and Danzig shirt into his front yard from my best friend's truck window on a muddy day and seeing his face drop because I had soiled his prize 'goth-possessions' was still a nice feeling though. I won't deny that.

First job: Cashier at a grocery store when I was 18. It lasted about four months and I hated it.

First self purchased album: Under the Pink and Little Earthquakes by Tori Amos, Ten Summoner's Tales by Sting and Counterparts by Rush. I received a cd player for my 17th birthday (we were late on the new technology bandwagon) and signed up immediately for a package deal from BMG. These were the first CDs/albums/tapes I'd ever bought with my own money.

First funeral (that I remember): My grandfather's when I was ten.

First pet: I can't even remember, we've had so many. I'm going to say 'Snowshoe' because he's the first pet I really remember being attached to. He was an all-black cat with white paws and I loved the name my dad picked.

First piercing/tattoo: Never.

First Love: Ah, hell.. see the first kiss/first date/first break-up.

First Enemy: Stepmother #1, Karen.

First musician you remember hearing in your house: Music was such a huge part of my upbringing, so I'm sure it was playing while I was in the womb. I'm going to say either bluegrass (most likely Seldom Scene or Flatt & Scruggs) or Eric Clapton. Either of those is a good bet.

Lasts (I've done these before, but the answers change, so whatever.)

Last cigarette: Never.

Last good cry: Last night, sitting in front of the computer when the house was quiet for no good reason. I think it was just fatigue/pms/stress issues.

Last movie seen: The first five minutes of Less Than Zero before I almost barfed from all the 80s melodrama and had to turn it off.

Last beverage drank: Bottled water.

Last food consumed: Popcorn.

Last phone call: A nice long conversation with my mom this morning, laughing about stuff and catching up.

Last time showered: Yesterday.

Last cd played: A home-made one called 'Women of Yesterday' containing Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald, Nine Simone, Dinah Washington and Sarah Vaughn.

Last item bought: Dinner at Perkins.

Last annoyance: Raven shoving her way into my lap repeatedly while I'm typing. Stubborn as ever.. I wonder where she gets that? ;-)

Last disappointment: Deciding to skip my art history class tonight because I just couldn't stay awake and didn't feel good.. being annoyed by the fact that I was doing so well by attending all of my classes so far.

Last time scolded: Who knows? Probably by my dad over the weekend.

Last website visited: The Animal Rescue Site, contributing my daily click.

Mercury will not be retrograding on my clock

Just so you know, I haven't chewed my nails in nearly two days. They're not beautiful or anything yet.. but at least they have edges to them now. That's a big deal in my world. Oh, and I think I got a perfect score on my Italian quiz the other day and I'm actually doing homework and not procrastinating on assignments.
Yeah, it's the little things.. So, life isn't so bad, just daunting. I, however, am more daunting and can kick life's ass right back when needed. We have a wonderful love-hate relationship that way. ;-)

The Struggle Continues...

Some people tell me it's OCD
but the truth is that it's an inner war with me
Riding away the waves of anxiety
Fighting off the power of the memories

Waging a war to keep away the cold
Fighting the fight that makes me feel so old
Dealing with the demons as they come to crush my soul
Being a control freak and having no control

So I bite and I bite and I pull and I pull and the damage is already done
Ripping off fingertips and nursing scars that will never be undone
A scar is a scar is a scar they say, the demons coming from behind the sun
You will never be rid of us, never be free, our wounds can never be outdone

I protest and smile and feel free, reaching momentary zen
I know that life can be better because I have seen it every now and then
You aren't any bigger than I am, I say, driving it into the core of them
Watching as a lifetime of inner monsters battle it out in my head

People say the battles are the toughest parts, but I disagree
Sitting on the sidelines, powerless in the game, is the worst part for me
Having to be Atlas, holding up the playing field, stuck in constant impartiality
Feeling the constant tug and pull, wondering when the demons will finally flee
Wondering if I will make them too tired to stay, or if I will be the one that is overcome by fatigue

I've noticed that writing out the bad memories makes them become more gray
Fading into the background so they're no longer so compelled to stay
But do I honestly have enough courage to write all those memories away?
Would all of them really leave? Or would just the most dangerous ghosts stay?

Maybe I could rid myself of the harsh words, the emotions that always follow
Re-living, re-writing, re-experiencing, re-exorcising.. trying not to swallow
Bile resides in every one of my dreams, full of bitter curves and dark hollows
Ex-stepmothers on every turn, in front, behind, grabbing, pouncing, waiting to follow

I've had all the necessary therapy, received all the proper diagnoses
I've taken all the prescribed medications, SSRI's from A to Z
I've stopped the drugs because the side effects were worse than the dreams
I've carried the baggage and lived a life that is riddled with mental disease

Understanding is the tool to happiness, they tell me
Forgive your abusers and you too can be free
I don't think I am that strong, I don't think I am that naive
I know that it would make no difference if I did for they never bothered to forgive me

Perhaps that is the hardest part of this journey that I am on
Living a life of constant uphill struggle, searching for that warm sun
Knowing that during all of my pain, all of my victories won
That I am still nothing to them, these abusers that now have new daughters and sons
Knowing that they do not think of me, do not regret the paths they've run

Realizing that someday my own children will ask me for stories of my childhood fun
And I will have to think of these demons eternally and be reminded of a time without love

Heading Home

We're getting ready to head to my hometown for my dad's 46th birthday this weekend. (Yes, I was a teenage pregnancy, thank you very much.) I have no band-aids on my fingers, I have no nail polish on, I have nothing but my own willpower and determination. I am starting my goals out small. I am going to try like hell not to file, pick or bite my fingernails at all for one entire weekend. I am going to do my homework, I am going to hang out with some old friends, I am going to enjoy time with my family. I am not going to stress out and worry. I am not going to space out in front of the tv. I am not going to sit and stare at the 'imperfect' jagged edges of my poor ragged nails. Basically, I am going to do whatever I have to do to keep my hands from being idle and to keep my thoughts off of obtaining a nail file or biting my fingers... at. all. costs.
Ah, hell.. let's just hope I don't start smoking.

Wish me luck. If I come back victorious, you'll see pictures. It will be a stellar moment and I will be a proud papa. You won't be able to shut me up. If I don't come back victorious.. well, I guess the bitching will resume. Or therapy.. whatever. Hope you have a wonderful weekend. ;-)

I can feel your finger nails hanging on to old resentment

Look at this! I mean, fucking look at it!! Why in the hell do I do this shit? Until it hurts? Until it damages me to no end? Why, why, why??

I can't even type very well right now because the band-aids make my fingers slip over the keys. Oh, fuck it. I'm taking these sonsabitches off. I'm tired of just putting up barricades so that I can't do it anymore. So that I can't feed my compulsion. I want to know why I do it in the first place and then I want to know how to stop it.. on my own. I have analyzed and analyzed the shit out of why I do this and why I do it so incessantly and so willfully. I know it has a lot to do with my constant need for perfection, every little jagged edge needing to be filed or completely chewed off before I go completely insane picking at it. However, the more I grow and understand that perfection isn't something I'm so hungry for anymore.. the more I wonder if it isn't something entirely different and I've been approaching it the wrong way all this time.

I read somewhere once that hardcore nail-biting and even pulling out your own hair can be considered signs of self-mutilation. That these are symptoms of a future 'cutter.' I know I am not a cutter, I know I could never be that severe, just because I really hate physical pain, especially when it's accompanied with razor blades and sharp objects of any kind. I am horribly phobic of anything puncturing my skin. Mainly though, I think it's because my motivations are different. I've heard some cutters say that they do it because they feel dead inside and the pain somehow wakes them up and makes them feel alive. But at the same time, I've heard people say that they don't know why they do it. They just do.

This is me. I don't know why I do. I can analyze the shit out of it (as I have for over half of my life) and I still cannot tell you why in the hell I bite my nails into bloody oblivion. I am not comparing myself to a cutter by any means and I have such compassion for those of you who have ever been through such a thing yourself and come out on the other side victorious. I am only comparing my motivations to those of a self-mutilator. I have still reached no conclusions. It irritates the living shit out of me.

I bite my nails. I bite my nails until they are bloody. I bite my nails until my fingertips are so sore that I cannot apply pressure to an ink pen in order to do homework. Some weeks, I can go through half a box of band-aids. Some days I will continue to file my nails even though they are horribly painful and still bleeding. I will continue to chew and file my nails even through the disgusting acetone flavor of nail polish remover and immediately after I have applied a beautiful coat of nail color.

I also pull out my hair. I recently started doing this again for the first time in 14 years. The last time I pulled out my hair, I was being denied food for not doing the dishes properly or for not folding the towels correctly. I was being told that wishing for more time with my mother meant nothing because she didn't really want me anyway since I was such a financial burden and that the days when I wasn't around the house were the happiest days the family ever had. I was being told that I was nothing, that my life was meaningless, that my mere presence was a mistake and that no one really wanted me around anyway.

I was told that the only reason my step-mother was taking me to the doctor was because if I didn't get a physical, she would go to jail. I heard her talk to the doctor outside the door, I heard her tell him her spin on things, I heard her establish bias right away. I knew I didn't stand a chance.

They walked in and immediately I knew what the doctor was doing. He was trying to be casual about it and it made me sick to my stomach. "Staz, you have such pretty hair. So long and straight. I notice it's a little thin on this side. Why is that?"
I saw him look at me with genuine concern in his eyes. For a brief moment, I had hope. Then the witch spoke first and cut me off with the coldest of vocal tones.. as always.
"Go on, Staz. Tell him. Tell him what you've been doing to yourself. Tell him about how you rip out your pretty fucking hair, strand by strand. Tell him!"
I will never forget how small that woman made me feel on a daily basis. And I honestly don't think I will ever be able to forgive her and I don't regret saying so.
So.. I begin to tell the doctor in the softest voice possible. "I rip it out."
"Why?"
"I don't know."
"When you pull your hair out, what do you do with the hairs? Do you keep them or anything?"
"No. I just throw them on the floor or wherever."
Then, of course.. the witch has to interject. Because for those of us that have ever really dealt with truly nasty witches know, you can ding-dong your ass off, but the witch is never really dead.
With an exasperated eye roll she says, "They're everywhere. They clog up
the vacuum cleaner constantly."
Luckily, the doctor ignores her and continues.
"How does it feel when you pull out your hair? Doesn't it hurt?"
"No."
"It doesn't hurt?"
"No."
"So why do you think you do that?"
"It feels good."
"It feels good? Really?"
"Yeah."
"Hmmm."

They leave, go outside the office door and I hear words like 'stress' and 'counseling' and 'don't worry too much, it'll pass.' I hear Billie (fuck it, I'll use her real name, I no longer have to hide) say, "We're not paying for counseling. She's twelve. She'll get over it. Hell, she's a weird kid anyway. I don't understand why she does anything."

When my dad heard the diagnosis later that day, he said, "Stress? Huh.. What in the hell are you stressed about? You got nothing to be stressed about. So what's the problem?"
I remember bursting into tears and heading for my room. I remember staying in there all night and no one coming to check on me. I remember them laughing in the living room and mockingly pulling at their hair and saying loud enough so they knew I could hear, "Oooh, that feels good! Duh! What a retard!" I remember staring at that glaring bald spot on my head and knowing that I could no longer pull my hair out without repercussions. I remember knowing that my one secret joy that I had in my life at that point was now gone. I remember wanting to die. I remember how difficult it was not to pull at those new strands that grew in to replace the old ones. I remember scratching that bald spot so hard that the pain was almost as good as pulling out my hair had been. I remember, even four years later as I was preparing for my junior prom, staring down at my poor chewed fingernails and wishing like hell I could've pulled my hair out just a little so that I wouldn't have chewed my nails so bad for the prom.

So, now... here I am 14 years later. My nails are ragged and bloody, though now they are filed neatly to the quick rather than chewed sloppily. My hair-pulling habit has returned, though it's not a constant and only seems to happen at night when I'm lying in bed restless and can't sleep. I don't have a bald patch on my head anymore. I don't have to hide my voice anymore. I don't have an evil stepmother that makes me feel as small as an ant. All I have left is me.. and very painful bloody fingernails.
So what does that mean exactly? Only a side effect? Collateral damage for making it out alive? And just how long is it going to continue? Anyone?

Walking on the railroad rails
Out across this deep commitment
I can feel your finger nails
Hanging on to old resentment
And I miss that easy smile
Lately its a tight-wire frown
But we've come so many miles
We can make it if we don't look down

"Further to Fall"
-- David Wilcox

Another Manic Wednesday

We had an amazing time at Kings Island on Monday. I don't necessarily feel like writing about it here (it's been a rough couple of days on my body and my arms are feeling it), but J. does a wonderful job of sharing the experience over at his place. I thought we had a great time, but apparently J. had loads of fun. Two days later, he is still telling me, "I had fun with you Monday. It was a perfect day."

In the meantime, I'm off to Italian class and then Biopsych and then later tonight Art History. Wednesdays are very full (and very tiring) days for me. Luckily though, my Thursdays are empty so I can sleep in.. ahhh, yeah. :-)
Arrivederci! (ooh, I'm getting so good at Italian, aren't I? hee hee.. ;-)

Re-meme-ing

Purely for Nicole.. (kidding, kidding..) and also because I am sunburned and my throat is raw from screaming on various ass-kicking roller coasters today.. and, well, it's been a long day and my brain is fried. Ah hell, it's just a fun meme. Do you really need a reason?

last cigarette: never
last car ride: coming home from my mom's house after picking up gypsy (about 30 minutes ago)
last kiss: kissing my mom goodbye
last good cry: last tuesday or wednesday when I was upset about my health and discussing it with J.
last library book checked out: I haven't been to the library in a while.. couldn't tell you
last movie seen: The Royal Tennenbaums
last book read: How to be Good by Nick Hornby
last cuss word uttered: shit
last beverage drank: a glass of 'Strawberry Breeze' juice (one of my favorites!)
last food consumed: Stouffer's pizza bread with pepperoni and cheese (yum!)
last phone call: mom (to let her know we arrived home okay -- it's a ritual with my family)
last tv show watched: The Great Biker Build-off: Part I on the Discovery Channel with my mom. (I can't help it. My mom and I have spent so much time on bikes and we're both just big biker-chicks at heart. We looove to watch them make those choppers.)
last time showered: yesterday
last shoes worn: my old comfy sandals
last cd played: A homemade one that I call 'Freaksy Folksy' (includes Dar Williams and the Black Crowes.. don't ask me why)
last item bought: Moose Tracks ice cream for my mom
last annoyance: having painful fingers because I've chewed them until they are bloody
last disappointment: I honestly can't remember.. that's good, right?
last soda drank: mt. dew
last thing written: a reminder for myself on a notepad in the car
last key used: house key
last words spoken: "thank you."
last sleep: about 20 minutes in the car on the way to mom's
last im: damn.. i can't even remember.
last sexual fantasy: last night, but it kind of became a reality. ;-)
last weird encounter: yesterday at the grocery store when a women told J. to move "two inches to the right, then three inches to the left" and basically shoved our cart out of the way so she could look at a packet of kool-aid. nutjob.
last ice cream eaten: a bite of Moose Tracks at my mom's
last time amused: hysterically laughing my ass off as we hustled from the amusement park to the car in a terrential downpour. I could not stop laughing and I've never been more soaked in my life.
last time wanting to die: age 15
last time in love: today
last time hugged: today by my mom
last time scolded: probably about a week ago by J.
last time resentful: probably about a week ago towards J. (again, last wednesday was a bad day)
last chair sat in: my current nice 'executive' office chair
last underwear worn: victoria's secret bikini
last shirt worn: my sleep shirt (gray small t-shirt with a blue rose on it)
last time dancing: with J. at the grocery store last night
last poster looked at: my Beatles poster that hangs over the office door
last show attended: Tori Amos
last webpage visited: Laura's