Burlap Soul

Happy Halloween!!!

A very Happy Halloween to you and yours! Enjoy yourself and don't do anything that I wouldn't do.. unless it just looks like lots of fun of course. Then by all means, go for it and share the juicy details with me later. ;-)

Let the festivities begin...

I see the bad moon arising.
I see trouble on the way.
I see earthquakes and lightnin'.
I see bad times today.

Don't go around tonight,
Well, it's bound to take your life,
There's a bad moon on the rise.

"Bad Moon Rising"
--Creedence Clearwater Revival

A Ham Sandwich to go, please?

This story cracks me up. Hooray for you, ladies! Kill 'em with kindness!

Welcome, my pretty!

So I like it.. do you? (Just let me know if anything's wonky and I'll try to fix it. I went a little crazy with the fonts...)
Truthfully, I'm thinking I might leave it up year-round. Cool with you?

AIM High

I'm going to keep bumping this entry so it stays at the top for tonight. For newer entries scroll down.

Okay, here's the deal. I suck at keeping in touch. Some of you bloggers out there that I consider my close friends (and you know who you are).. I know I never email you. I know I never call like I say I will.. but I am thinking of you daily and checking in and saying hi and commenting whenever I can.
I do have a proposition for you tonight, however. I'm going to be taking care of stuff on the computer this evening (most likely into the wee hours of Thursday) and I'll be totally available for instant messaging. (Sorry, I only have AIM and know nothing about MSN Messenger or Yahoo.. but you can download AIM easily here if you like.) And if you miss me tonight, it's okay. You'll know who to look for next time. ;-)

So go for it, you know what to do... I would welcome the company. :-)
[AIM username: CrowLuvsServo]

The shrunken heads were hung by the chimney with care...

Ahhhh, the Halloween spirit has returned... as has the annual decorating. The decorations have come out of storage and are enjoying the fresh air, at least the indoor decorations anyway. The big guns will have to wait until tomorrow when J. gets home. Then it's no holds barred, baby! Hell yeahhh! ;-) But really, it's those little indoor touches that make this holiday great, don't you think? Martha Stewart, eat your heart out.

Oh and one more thing while I'm at it...

Admit it. You only wish you had my mad pumpkin carving skillz. ;-)

"There is no greater fury than a woman denied tricks or treats."

Just when I'm feeling overextended, overtired, overworked and overstressed.. just when I think I've completely lost my Halloween spirit (which is the lowest of the low for me.. I always love Halloween).. just when I'm feeling so depressed and overwhelmed by life's madness lately...

That's when I decided to have my own conversation with God, by myself and in a proper setting. Immediately after our conversation, staring at the candles I had just lit, I suddenly started to feel a horrible migraine coming on and drove home from the church wondering if it wasn't a sign that things were just about to get worse and that I should just shut up already.

I came home and took a 2-hour nap and did feel somewhat better when I woke. Then as I was sitting in front of the TV tonight, trying to carve a pumpkin for the sole reason of not wasting the money we spent on them.. something miraculous happened. I recognized the music instantly, I know every word of this little movie (I own the damn thing for crying out loud and still haven't watched it in years).. and there it was, playing on television right when I turned the channel, right when I had run out of inspiration for one of my favorite days of the year.

"There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin." -- Linus van Pelt

I remember now why I love this holiday so much. It lets everyone be a kid, if only for a night. Even though my migraine's still holding tight, even though it's been a long day and promises to be yet another long grueling week, even though J. is yet again stuck in some strange town and away from home this week.. I feel better about the weekend and better about myself. I'm thinking it will be a nice Halloween after all... as long as we believe in the power of the Pumpkin Patch. ;-)

Yet again...

Just found out that J. has to once again go out of town for three days this week for work. This is the third week in a row that he'll be gone and it's right before Halloween.. right when I really need his help around here. He leaves tomorrow.

If I weren't so utterly exhausted right now, I'd be angry as hell. As it is, I'm just worn down and sad... and wondering when in the hell we get to have a normal week again and when in the hell we get to have some relaxation time together. I know we live together, but it feels like we haven't had any quality time together in weeks. I just don't understand all of this and neither does he. It's starting to suck really bad and we're in no mood for another week of hotel calls and lonely nights. I mean, honestly.. would it be so bad just to have a day or two of downtime? This shit sucks.

Fuzzy Fuzzy

If you're one of those people that chewed off all your fingernails watching the Red Sox/Yankees playoffs.. (Especially if you're a Sox fan) You must read today's Get Fuzzy.

Bucky Katt rocks my world. ;-)

Positives

It's officially Monday. I'm doing these now or else they'll never get done.

-- Halloween's coming, baby! Hell yeah!!! :-D
-- J. thinks he did well on his EIT exam! :-)
-- Friday was the first payday we've had in nearly two months!! :-D
-- The rent is paid!
-- The car payment is paid!
-- We have full bellies!
-- A fun phone call from J.'s friend Mark back in Detroit and..
-- lots of laughing, reminiscing and arranging a possible visit soon
-- Finally getting started on our Halloween Madness this year (yes, yes.. I know that page needs updated, but things have been so chaotic we haven't had time to do anything yet! Auugh!)
-- Gathering some new healthy recipes and not snacking late at night
-- J. picking up some leftover 'Garbage Truck Company' coloring books from his business trips these past two weeks and...
-- coloring a funny picture of a garbage truck next to New York City for me (hee!)
-- Getting my hell-week out of the way
-- Surprising J. with chinese food and The Matrix Reloaded when he got home from the EIT exam on Saturday
-- The possibility of my mom coming for dinner tomorrow night and helping to carve pumpkins with me and..
-- we're going to make some toasted pumpkin seeds (mmm...)
-- Decorating the inside of the house for Halloween, baby!
-- The site of skull centerpieces and black cats all over the house (woohoo! it's like Christmas, only better!)
-- Making new goals for myself, new realizations and finishing a very good book all in the same week
-- Late night pancakes just when I needed them
-- The premiere of 24 this week! :-)
-- Mmmmm, Panera soup in a bread bowl. [droooool....]
-- Being able to make smoothies again
-- Not having any big assignments due around Halloween (for the first time in years!)
-- Having lots of fun with my digital camera lately and really exploring the limits of my creativity
-- Rediscovering old CDs I hadn't listened to in years
-- Finding a nice old coffee table someone had thrown out on their curb tonight
-- New jobs, new opportunities, new dreams
-- Doing positives again for the first time in a month
-- J. singing to me in bed and us singing together in the car
-- Autumn and all that it brings
-- My mom bringing some cool Halloween trinkets back from Florida (more black cats for my collection ;-)
-- A hilarious Halloween card from mom, too
-- Getting the house cleaned and organized a little this weekend
-- Clean sheets and warm laundry
-- Late night grocery runs with J. and lots of laughter
-- Realizing that New Year's will be the 4 year anniversary of our first date (wow!)
-- Hearing him tell his family and friends on the phone, "I love her more now than I did three-and-a-half years ago."
-- Hearing Gypsy barking in her dreams from across the house
-- I have a roof over my head (and it's all paid for!)
-- I have food to eat and clean water to drink
-- I have happy and healthy animals that love me and I love them
-- J.'s kisses
-- J.'s hugs
-- J.'s smile
-- J.
-- Us
-- Our animal kingdom
-- Me :-)

EIT Exam Day

J. is sleeping right now, but he has to get up at 5am and drive two hours to Columbus this morning. Know why? He's taking his big EIT exam today!!
It's kind of like the GRE for engineers, only harder. It's 8 hours of extremely difficult math, including 3 different levels of calculus, statistics and hundreds of formulas. (Seriously, you should see some of the practice problems he's been working on. Some of them take 3 pages of notebook paper just to work out the formulas. Just looking at that shit makes my head spin.)

This exam is a pretty big deal for us... so please, go on over to his place and send him some big brainy vibes and some good lovin'!!

You can do it, sweetie! I have faith in you! Now go whoop some academic ass! ;-)

Random Thoughts

Wediculous Wednesday

J. is out of town again this week. The cats are out of food and Gypsy is restless, so I'll be running to the store and then running around the block. My stomach is still in knots from stressing out about my Italian exam this morning (which is now blissfully completed and out of the way). Oh, and did I mention that I have classes for twelve hours straight on Wednesdays? And that I have an exam in every one of them today?

Oh, shit.. I forgot! The car's out of gas too, and I have to fill it up before my next exam.. you know, after I scrounge together something resembling a lunch while running up and down the stairs to feed all six of our animals. Aaaaahhhhhh!!!!

I know my Wednesdays are usually hell, but this is ridiculous. Please.. someone.. just make it stop!

Veni Vidi Vici

Everyone says life is so fragile and that might be true... but I believe that happiness is a thing even more fragile than life itself. There's a definite to life, a yes and a no. There's no definite for happiness, no given yes or no, always a system of 'somewhats' and 'kindas.' It's a fragile Faberge egg that can crack or be dropped, shattered, glued back together with visible cracks underlying its perfect facade at any moment in time, any time in our lives.

Dogs have a simple system of happiness. They know what they need and when those needs aren't met, they're not happy. Give a dog a warm place to sleep, a full bowl of food, a life filled with love and they are happy. Take away the people that love them, the shelter they need, the food that keeps them alive, they're not happy. It's that simple. Humans are so much more complex and it's all because of this neverending search for happiness, because we tell ourselves that we somehow deserve more than the basic necessities in life. And even those basic necessities become unfulfilling if they don't meet our criteria for personal comfort. It's all very fragile... shades of grey on a vast color wheel of personal fulfillment.

The truth is, I'm horribly unhappy with my life.

I can look for the positive elements around me and feel okay for all of say, twenty minutes. I can lie to myself and claim that it's because I worry too much or think too much or expect too much. I can blame it on a past full of baggage, a present full of strife or a future full of uncertainty. I can deflect any blame or rationalize all the wrongs however I wish. The honest truth? I'm not even sure where to look.

Everyone says that happiness is something that you have to find within yourself. I know this. I've told people this. When I look inside myself, however, I am immediately thrown into a chasm of confusion. I search and I search, but there are so many layers to wade through that I become lost and overwhelmed. I look inside and find only wrong turns, lost dreams, what ifs, negativity, sadness, heavy baggage, vast amounts of questions unanswered and vast amounts of dreams unfinished and shoved deep under the other layers. All hidden just outside my heart's peripheral vision, so as not to disturb my current fragile veil of pseudo-happiness that I've worked so hard to create.

I've always had this vision in my mind of that moment when I finally find happiness. I'm standing in Ireland with the right man, the one that was destined for me (and his face has always changed throughout my lifetime). I am looking out over the lush beautiful hills of this country and for the first time, I feel complete. I feel like I have finally come full circle, like I finally understand and connect with what's known as God, like I am finally home. Then I begin to cry and everything makes sense from that point on and I am no longer searching.
There are so many things wrong with this vision, but it's such a peaceful dream for me that I try desperately not to dissect it. I don't want to taint it's beautiful calm.

I've spent a vast majority of my lifetime searching for happiness outside of myself. The approval of men, the friendship of women, the love from animals, the thrill of acting, the comfort of possessions, the calm of photography.. they're all a part of that search. Yes, some of these things have brought me a healthy kind of happiness and I don't regret that. Some of these things have damaged me horribly and simultaneously taught me to learn so much about myself and I don't regret that either. My only regret is that I have solely looked to these things to fill me up, when I've always known that they never will. I think the reason some of my old ghosts haunt me as much as they do is simply because they can. I've never taken the time to really try and fill myself up, to not need someone or something outside of myself in order to be happy. I've spent my time arguing with them and telling them how wrong they are rather than ignoring them and telling myself how right I already am. They watch me constantly blame them and change the subject and avoid looking inside myself. My insecurities have always been my downfall, but they've also been a security blanket, keeping me from having to really face my true self. I think these ghosts know this and use it to their advantage.

I guess it's just easier to sabotage happiness than it is to try and find it within yourself. I guess it's just easier to say that happiness finds you rather than admit that it might be a horribly long struggle before you find it within yourself. I guess it's just easier to lay on a fragile veil of smoke and mirrors than it is to turn over and confront your own reflection in the glass.

Who are you really? What are you capable of and are you doing it? Could you live up to your own standards? Would you want to? Are you really doing everything you wanted to do? Are you really trying to live your life rather than just exist within it? Do you like who you are? Do you know who you are?

These are questions that have to be confronted when you take the time to look at yourself in life's mirror. These are questions that I have to answer... and no one can answer them but me and only me. And honestly, it's about time I did just that.

I'm tired of living a life of 'maybe.' I want to live the life of 'what if?' and then actually know what that 'what if' feels like up close. I want to examine every facet of my past and not be afraid of my future. I'm going to dive into those layers with the longest snorkle and not come up for air if I don't want to.
And I'm going to do it right here and I'm not going to give a damn what anyone thinks.
So, if you came here looking for a happy fluffy post about whatever... sorry. Sure, I'll still be making posts like that every now and then but right now? I'm busy trying to find my smile and that is my only priority.
Veni, Vidi, Vici... indeed.

Sadness

There is a pall of sadness over me this weekend that I cannot explain. Friday night was good. Then, all day Saturday I didn't even get out of bed. I didn't want to. Today I've done nothing but sit and feel horribly sad and then watch mindless television and feel guilty for wasting my life in front of that tube. Then I come up here and the mere act of a cat in my lap makes me want to cry.. and cry and cry and cry some more.

It's most likely hormonal. I'll most likely come out of it in a few days. However, I don't have a few days. I have Monday and Tuesday off school and then bam! Three tests on Wednesday while J. will quite possibly be in Cleveland again and I have to take care of everything here between classes. I'm feeling so overwhelmed lately that it's suffocating me and making me not want to even get out of bed in the morning... or afternoon. I haven't felt sadness like this in years and I don't want to go back to that life... but it's so heavy and strong over me that I can't breathe. Talking, writing, assignments, preparing for the fun stuff (like Halloween) almost seems like too much. I feel as though I've lost my ability to have fun in life and that everything has become a giant 'To-Do' List and it makes me sick. Everyday tasks make me want to cry lately and I don't know what to do. I almost want to throw my hands up and go back to bed or just run away.

I don't hate depression. I don't live with it chronically. It doesn't debilitate me. I no longer fear it when it comes. I know it has an ebb and a flow, that it will pass eventually when my body straightens itself out. I just wish it was something you could live with a little more easily, like neck pain or headaches. Sometimes I wish that I could say I'm actually living my life, rather than preparing the shit out of everything and waiting for things to happen once I get my 'to-do' list completed. I honestly think this town is killing us both. We are both so incredibly sick of Cincinnati and its constant monotony and hypocrisy. We want out, but we're trapped for the moment and feel so stuck in a rut that it's killing our spirit. There's something in this house that just adds twenty pounds to your psyche the moment you walk in. We've both felt it and can't explain it. There's something in this town that just beats you down until you have no desire to change your life. Staying here from birth to death, giving up your dreams and living your life half-assed is the status quo. We see it every day in the sighs and unfulfilled expressions of every person we pass on the sidewalk. When you say something optimistic, you are immediately shot down with a cold glance of pessimism that could chill the hardest cynic.

I know that people say 'Life is a journey, not a destination.' But so far, this part of the journey really sucks and we're seriously ready for the next town.

"Happiness or Bust"... that's what our sign will read, as soon as we get the time and inclination to make one in the first place.

Banks

I fucking hate banks.

I swear... I am *thisclose* to hoarding all of our money in a jar under the bed and saying 'to hell with financial institutions' just so no one else dictates what happens to our finances but us and only us.

(That's all I'm going to say right now. At least until I've calmed down a bit.)

Update: Sometimes all it takes is for a wonderfully kind man to hold you and make you pancakes at 12:30am. Good mood is slowly returning. ;-)

Most Original

Hmmm.. check out what an interesting piece of spam I received today:

"We always lusted after our den mothers when we were scouts."

Hell, at least he's original.

I mean come on.. aren't we all a little sick of "Make her cry from the size of your manhood!" ? ... Aren't we?

Friday Five

1. Name five things in your refrigerator. Coconut milk, pineapple chunks (both for smoothie-making), 1/4th of a tube of chocolate chip cookie dough, Catsip Real-Milk (for the kitties), and some strawberry milk (as a treat for me).

2. Name five things in your freezer. Fish fillets, french fries, frozen vegetables, Gardenburgers, and vanilla frozen yogurt (again, for smoothies).

3. Name five things under your kitchen sink. A bag of 100 tealights only 1/8th used (an impulse buy from nearly three years ago), Vanilla-scented Pledge, a handmade mosaic tile ashtray (a gift from Pasty), 25 assorted cleaning products, and one pair of rubber gloves.

4. Name five things around your computer. Get Fuzzy daily desk calendar, old childhood photos (from a project I've been working on), my digital camera, a wide assortment of pens and notebooks/notepaper/notes, and my beloved Frankenstein bobblehead (who actually sits there year-round;-).

5. Name five things in your medicine cabinet. Biore nose strips, Garfield band-aids, Dayquil, an old bottle full of Paxil (from my panic-attack days two years ago -- I only took one and said 'To hell with 'em'), and a wide assortment of flavored cough/throat drops.

Daughters

Once again, it's Autumn. Once again, I'm sent into introspective yet strangely revitalized mode. Once again, it's accompanied (and sometimes triggered) by John Mayer.

Driving home today, watching the sun cascade off of I-471, noticing Autumn's canvas brighten every day we get further into October.. I was listening to his new cd and fighting off the same demons I've been dealing with since J.'s trip to Cleveland. I was thinking about the fact that I had to call J. last night in his hotel room at 2am because I was horribly panicked and couldn't sleep from fear of someone breaking into the house while I was alone and vulnerable. I was driving home from class and diving into my fear and really trying to figure out my entire complex over sleeping in this house by myself... really trying to get through it so that I can sleep peacefully tonight. I was thinking about why I am so hard on J. Why I continue to build walls around myself and make more demands on those that I love and everyone around me and then complain that I am lonely because they aren't willing enough to break through my steel walls.

I was trying desperately to understand why I have been plagued by the ghosts of old boyfriends these past few days, why I continue to want to prove myself to them still, ten years later. I know they wouldn't care that they hurt me so badly. I know they would actually get some sick thrill out of knowing that I still think of them and feel bad about myself immediately. What they don't realize is that I am not actually thinking of them, but rather I am thinking about how all of my relationships have gone wrong and all the things that happened to sabotage them. Then I started to wonder about my own patterns of behavior and if/how they had changed over the years.

Then I heard it....

"Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do..."

I must've sang along with this song ten times by now, but I never really realized the power of that lyric until today. I had to stop singing it and just say it out loud, enunciating every word in order to grasp its true meaning.

Daughters.will.love.like.you.do.

I thought of my dad. I thought of how much I have spent my entire life idolizing him. I thought of how hard it was for me to grow up having to fight for his attention and time and be simultaneously criticized and abused by the very women he decided to marry. I thought of how I still sometimes act so stupid around him, busting my ass to impress him, busting my ass to somehow try and retrieve all those years that I lost when I was a child and he was gone all the time or in his shell of quiet insecurity and avoiding conflict. I thought of the song lyric... Daughters will love like you do, huh? So how does my dad love?

Perfectionism, pessimistic, no encouragement, distant yet still charming and smart and fun to be around so that no one notices his insecurities. That's my dad. ... No, wait. That's me.

I love the exact same way my father does. I demand perfection, I become unbelievably pessimistic in order to evoke pity for my cause (though I can proudly say that I haven't done this too much in a long, long time), I never tell anyone that I am proud of them, that I love them, that I miss them, yet still... I am charming and smart and fun to be around. It's strange how much I have proclaimed throughout my life that I am so different from my father, when I have always known that I am more like him than I am willing to admit. I'll admit our temperaments are the same, our sense of humor, our tastes. I've never once admitted to anyone that I am as much of a hardass as my father. I've always told myself that I am different, that I am not afraid of conflict, that I am not afraid of change, that I am not afraid of all the things my dad has been afraid of his entire life. It's actually physically difficult for me to say 'I'm sorry' or 'I love you' or 'I miss you.' And I don't think I've ever once told anyone I was proud of them, yet I have continually bitched about the fact that my dad never told me he was proud of me. Hypocritical much?

I kept listening...

"...Girls become lovers..."

All the times I've argued with boyfriends, giving counter-arguments to every declaration of love in order to never have to break down my walls. Knowing that I was sabotaging every moment of a relationship. Knowing I was talking myself out of loving someone in a healthy way, disagreeing with everything, making sure every gesture wasn't good enough for me. Knowing that this pessimism and perfectionism was ruining me, but not realizing where it even came from in the first place.

"...that turn into mothers..."

All the times I've cried and wondered how in the hell I'm ever supposed to be a good parent if I can't even admit that I love someone or miss them or tell them that I'm sorry. Telling myself that it would be okay if I never have children because I wouldn't want to have a child just to have them grow up without being told that I was proud of them or that I really did love them. Knowing that pain myself and not wanting to recreate it with my own children. Rationalizing my way out of becoming a mother.

"...so Mothers be good to your daughters too..."

I thought of my mother then. How much she's straightened her life out now, but also how much baggage I have had to walk behind her and pick up, how many messes I have had to clean up in her footsteps. Have I loved like my mother? Yep, you betcha. Insecure, needy, flighty, manipulating wildly chaotic and insecure boys with my martyr-like tears. Changing who I am in order to please them. Disregarding everything else just so I could have five minutes of good favor with a horribly selfish man that would never love me in return. Yep. Been there. Done that. Many, many times.

I thought of how these two types of love have combined in me. How incredibly difficult it has been to love me as a result. My mom's technique always being the Sure Thing when I'm desperate: I need you, I can't live without you, I've been through so much, you should feel sorry for me, I've changed just to please you... etc etc.. [insert crazy horrible manipulative crying fit here]...
Then, when my (mother's) martyr-like manipulation has worked and these same insecure boys come back to me, I pull out the old 1-2-Dad-punch: Yeah, that's great that you love me, but it's not good enough so why are you bothering? You're not perfect, but you make me laugh so I guess you'll have to do as long as I don't have to break my cool charming exterior in return. Yeah, yeah.. you have feelings and all that, but I'm not sharing mine with you and you're never breaking my glass exterior, so just forget it. Life's not fair, pal.

It occurred to me that for as much as baggage as my ex's have given me, I've probably given them the same amount. It's the first time I've considered this option. For so long, I've told myself that it was all their fault because they were immature, selfish, psychotic boys and indeed they were. However, I've also always rationalized my own behavior in such a way as to never have to admit that I am a human being that isn't perfect and that I have also made my own mistakes.

So, driving down the highway crossing the river into Ohio, watching the Autumn sun reflect off the Ohio River and catching glimpses of old steamboats gathering for TallStacks... all these thoughts occur to me in the space of time it takes for one song to play.

I realized something today.
I don't have to love the same way I was loved. I don't have to give only what I was given.

Simultaneously, I have loved liked my father (impossible to please, barricaded, cool) and like my mother (martyr-like, altruistic, shapeshifting). I have loved like this for so long that I haven't considered any other way. I've spent so much time in my life trying to decide between the two different styles of love, trying to take the best from them both and move on. Consequently, each style has its own set of horrible side effects and somehow that never occurred to me either.
I've spent so much time going back and forth that I never even realized one crucial thing:

I don't have to choose. I don't have to pick a side and cross my fingers and hope for the best. I can love someone in my very own way. I can love and be loved in whatever way I wish and it's not up to anyone else but me.

Thank you, John... again.

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

-- John Mayer

Quick Note

There's a boatload of new entries over at the photolog if you're interested... finally. ;-)

"There's a Recliner in my Room."

He calls me from a hotel somewhere in Northern Ohio.

"They have a pool here. On a whim this morning, I packed my trunks. I just swam in it. It was niiiiiiice."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah... and I had it alllll to myself, but I missed you. You should be here."
"Why? So I can swim? I don't know that I would be swimming."
"No.. there's a great big king-size bed here and I have to sleep in it by myself. That's not right."
"Why not? Just stretch out. Enjoy yourself."
"I can't. I should be next to you and pinned down by three warm cat bodies. It feels weird."
{laughter}
"So what did you have for dinner?"
"We had steaks at Applebee's on the company credit card. It was verrrry goooood."
"So this was your first day of work?"
"Yeah... wow."
"You like it so far?"
"I think I do. They actually seem to like me here. Oh, and I looked all around and couldn't find a single person I didn't really like."
"Wow, sweetie. That's good, right?"
"I think so. Did Chicago call back yet?"
"No."
"Oh."
"Did you want them to call?"
"Well... um... I was just hoping that I had some more time to enjoy this job before I had to make a decision."
"Oh yeah? So you like it?"
--pause--
"Yeah. I think I do."
Then as he says that last sentence, I can hear the contented smile in his voice. I smile too. He's finally happy and so am I.

*sigh*

I don't want him to go tomorrow. In truth, he's the only thing that keeps me warm on cold days like these. I'll be okay. It's just lonely sometimes without the warmth of the sun.

Feeling Rosey...

So I had to participate in this quiz I stole from Nicole... I mean, duh. It's a quiz, after all.

YOU ARE A PURPLE ROSE!

You are an enchanting person, full of mystery. You
possess an almost regal quality to you, and
indeed you are often the best at whatever you
choose to do. Everything you do is full of
majesty and grace. You are not prone to crazy
antics or wild stunts. You are more reserved in
your thoughts and deeds - you think through
everything you do or say. You are highly
intellectual and can constantly amaze those
around you with your leaps of logic and insight
into life. Your friends and loved ones regard
you with equal parts love and awe. You are a
remarkably regal person in thought and deed -
congratulations!

What color Rose are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Some Days

Some days the rain comes
Some days I sit on a mental fence
Some days I wish I'd had a hand to hold
Some days I think it would've made all the difference

Some days I am sad and I don't know why
It comes on suddenly, this urge to cry
Being a woman is harder than it looks
Cyclical damage, hormones that crash and then fly

I can't explain it..
We watch cable, we have a roof over our heads
We live of a life of getting by, but desires are dangled just out of our reach
No need for millions, no need for extravagant wealth
Just more stability, a home of our own, a life that isn't only about needs

All I've ever wanted is a big back porch with a rocking chair
To sit and rock during an autumn rainstorm
Looking out over lush hills and Kentucky landscapes
Listening to nothing but the sound of those drops on a tin roof
Having an inner peace because I would finally feel at home

I suppose that's part of it,
The mode that lies in the middle of this mean
50% of it within my own heart
The rest, scattered points of reflection and desire skewed around me

All I want is a quiet life
A life without misery and pain and worry and sorrow
A life where all we think about is living
and not what or if we'll be eating tomorrow

We've worked so hard to overcome so much
We've struggled through drastic differences and come out okay
Yet, still I am terrified of a man's physical touch
and we've yet to begin planning for our wedding day

We're stronger now than ever before
but there is so much ahead of us
Poverty is nothing I haven't seen already
It's the possibility of calmness that breaks my trust

If there isn't chaos in the world
then how can I control it?
Even when things get better
will we be able to hold it?

Will I still feel the same way I do in ten more years?
Does time change us in a way that we cannot return to?
Will I be forty-five and still working to handle these same old fears?
Will we still like each other after everything we've gone through?

The fact that I cannot predict life disturbs me
Yet I am constantly reminding myself to live for the now
But free-falling through life has thrown me and thrown me and thrown me
And I am now beginning to consider that I don't know how

I've searched for God in the strangest of places
The empty love of boys, the darkest of my days
Their empty promises, their laughing faces
No remorse, vanishing from my life without any pain

I've spent many days talking to myself
Trying in vain to prove to those horrible ghosts
That they did not hurt me, that I have moved on
Lying to myself, living my days in a personal hell

I know through therapy and through many journal entries
That I don't need approval they're not willing to give
Yet it's hard to convince your brain that you have the keys
When it's constantly trying to redeem itself, trying to re-live

I re-enact so many moments in my head
That time I cried in front of that bastard that didn't deserve my tears
That time I let him back into my life and felt as though I was dead
That time I sat and tried to talk to someone that wouldn't hear me for years
That time I stayed silent when something should've been said

It always starts this same way, That time I...
because it always comes back to me and my regrets
So many times I needed nourishment in my life
But harsh laughter and constant pain are something the brain never forgets

Every night I have flashbacks of a childhood that wasn't
Every day I fight off the demons again
Every now and then I remember where I am and where I wasn't
And wish that I could somehow go back there again

I don't know that I would change anything
That I would even try to change my past
But maybe I would hold that girl while she's crying
And tell her that this pain doesn't have to last

Tell her that she's good enough
Tell her that there are people that are proud of her
Tell her that she can have anything she wants
As long as she feels the sun and doesn't let those clouds completely cover her

Tell her that those greek gods of torture in her world
They aren't permanent fixtures
That she can keep herself, be a strong independent girl
And that I will be waiting for her in a happier future

Some days the rain comes
Some days I sit on a mental fence
Some days I wish I'd had a hand to hold
Some days I think it would've made all the difference

Mable

The fact that her name is Mable and she is described as friendly makes all the difference. I cannot stop laughing.

Prices so low, we've gone mad! mad! mad!

How cool is this? We went to a big used book sale at a library in Kentucky yesterday and there wasn't a single book over $1.00. Hell yeah, baby.

You wanna know what I got, right? Yeah, I thought so.

The Pilot's Wife by Anita Shreve
Jewel by Bret Lott
Midwives by Chris Bohjalian
We Were the Mulvaneys by Joyce Carol Oates
She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb (currently reading)
and J. got:
Eye of the Needle by Ken Follett

I've been curious about all of these for a while, since I don't think I've ever read anything from Oprah's book club (except The Lovely Bones) but I couldn't believe they were all there for so cheap...

So, all these books that will keep me busy (or put me to sleep, either way I win) for the next two months... for how much? $29.95? $19.95? $15.95? Nope.. $2.00. Yep, two dolla. Granted, we stood in the corner in a huddle and dug through our pockets first and eventually paid in dimes.. but still, it's all good, baby! Aight? (Sorry, I watched Save the Last Dance last night on tv and now I can't stop talking this way. Is there an I-watched-a-ghetto-movie-but-I'm-horribly-white-and-try-to-talk-ghetto-anyway-and-fail-miserably Support Group somewhere? Hmm.. that's a funny image. I do want to see the meetings for that group.)

Also, in a twist of the strangest irony, I received a Best Buy gift card last week as a free gift for maxing out my Mastercard. Whaaa?? I like how it plainly states on the back of the Best Buy card in bold print: "This card cannot be used for payment on any credit card." Guess that answered my question right there.

So, even after my Best Buy fiasco, I still came away with two CDs I really wanted and have thoroughly enjoyed so far...

So, let's see, what else? J.'s first day of work is Monday and guess what he gets to do on his first day of work? Drive to Cleveland with his boss and stay for four days! Yep... sleeping in and midday naps together are officially a thing of the past. *sigh* Bittersweet.. but worth it.

So, I'll be hanging around here by myself for the next few days. Could be traumatic, could be interesting, could be more than I can handle, could be just what I need. One never knows. However, I do have some good new music, lots of good new reads and a seemingly never-ending supply of friends here, whose generosity knows no bounds. I am thankful for that and mostly, I am thankful for today... for the sun has come out and the leaves are turning beautifully and the knots in our stomachs are slowly loosening. We are finally learning to smile again. It's a good day. Hope yours is too. ;-)

Sorry, my brain is closed on Fridays

It's been a long day, complete with arguments, making up, new resolutions, headaches, new possibilities and amazing acts of kindness from friends... but really, right now? I just need a brain-break.

Who's up for veg-time in front of the telly? ;-)

(Oh come on.. I promise I'll give you complete control of the remote as long as we don't have to watch the Lifetime channel.)

Awwww....

Don't tell me this little bugger's not cute as hell. I am fully stocked on kitties for the moment... but this shelter is only 20 minutes from my house and I'd gladly pick her up for you if you like. Just say the word. ;-)

Meetings starts in five minutes.. there's juice in the corner.

Hi, my name's Staz and I'm ... I'm ... well, I'm hopelessly addicted to ER. I know every plot twist, I know every turn, I know exactly how every episode and every season is going to play out.. yet I continue to watch. I'm shamelessly hooked on John Carter the melodrama.

Please.. can someone help me? Is this fixable? Or should I just secretly feed my addiction and keep it to myself? You know.. if you say yes, I won't tell.

It's only 8pm?

Some days you're the bird. Some days you're the statue.

There. That about sums my day up.

Oh, and traffic court sucks and the people at Best Buy are fucking morons.

The End.

Totally Tubular Tuesday

Oh, what an interesting day this has been.

So we started out the day being bored off our asses and sitting online in our pajamas because we can't afford to do anything or go anywhere. Then we were arguing because our anxieties over money were leaving us frazzled. Then we were sitting at the kitchen table trying to figure out how to buy enough groceries to survive for the next few days without having our debit card declined at the grocery store for 'insufficient funds.' (J.'s brother is sending us some survival money, but it likely won't get here until Friday... hence our grocery dilemma.) Then, as we were downgrading our grocery list from nice-lasagna-that-will-last-for-a-few-days-mode to we-can-live-off-of-chicken-rice-and-vegetables-for-another-week-mode, something strange happened.

The phone rang. And it wasn't a creditor.

J. was offered the job in Chicago. (!!) Now, we had discussed this option previously and we both agreed that in order for the entire Chicago thing to make any sense, the pay would have to be substantial. So, on the phone, the pay wasn't really discussed, but we didn't think anything of it initially. Then, towards the end of the phone call, we were given a vague ballpark figure and nothing was in writing... and it was much less than we were expecting (but still not a bad amount). We were told that they planned on hiring him, but that they would call us back in a couple of weeks with a legitimate offer. WTF? So J. tells them that's great and then we begin to get slowly excited, but then we're left sitting there staring at each other and being utterly confused about what's actually just happened. Does he have a job or not? And why does it take two weeks just to come up with an offer? And how in the hell are we going to pay the (already overdue) rent if it's going to take two weeks just for this supposed "offer" to arrive?

As we think more about this, J. begins to bang his head on the table and proclaim, "What the hell is going on? Why can't anything be easy? Why do we have to wait two freakin' weeks just for the paperwork?" We sit, we stew, we think, we puzzle, we sit some more.

After all of five minutes, the phone rings again.

J. is offered the job in Kentucky about 90 minutes away. The pay is the exact same pay we've made before (not bad, but not great either) and they want him to start Monday. The benefits package is amazing, the location is closer to where we want to live, but the work (and the pay) isn't half as exciting and interesting as the job in Chicago. (However, I do think the people are nicer and considerably more stable.. but that's just my two cents. Perhaps I have a Kentucky bias.)

Well, now what the fuck do we do?

So we called my mom and she gave us perhaps the best advice so far. "Take the Kentucky job. After two weeks, you'll know if you like it and then if you don't like it and Chicago calls back, you can go to Chicago and you've still got a paycheck coming to tide you over." (This is why I love my mom. Her survival skills and street smarts are top-notch.) Chances are, this will be the action that we take. In the meantime, however, it's all just strange as hell.

I can't tell you how many times this has happened to us since we've moved to Cincinnati. We'll go through layoff after layoff and then we'll be close to starving because the phone isn't ringing and then.. BAM! Five job offers at once and we have to choose only one. It's happened at least three times since we've been here and it is absolutely uncanny. I'm beginning to wonder if God isn't just screwing with us because it's a funny parlor trick that amuses his friends. No matter though.. we immediately went back to the church and thanked Him anyway... and to light candles for all of the amazing support we've received from our online friends. Opportunities have landed in our lap today after a long, hard, gut-wrenching struggle, but I honestly don't think we could've made it through this without all of the support and well-wishes we've received here. Thank you so very much... all of you. Somedays, it makes all the difference. :-)

Gnomes now, is it?

Okay.. well, sitting on this thing certainly isn't getting anything done, now is it, Staz? Must .. pull .. away .. screen .. so .. hypnotic ....
Sometimes I swear my keyboard has been laced with crack. It's those damn gnomes again.

Peace Be With You

We prayed together today. And I don't mean that kind of silent praying that takes place in your bathroom at 4am when the quiet of the darkness makes you desperate for the light. No, we went to one of the oldest catholic churches in the city today and kneeled on a soft leather bench in front of Mary and prayed and cried and prayed and cried some more. On our first date, I took J. up to that church and we stood in front of it solely for the fantastic view and had one of our first real kisses. We've returned to this spot every year on our anniversary on New Year's Eve (no matter how cold or windy it may be) and taken a picture of ourselves in front of this beautiful church. We've marveled at how gorgeous it is and how old those steps are, but we've never actually gone inside.
Today we did. We also decided that if we do decide to marry indoors someday, this will be the church we marry in.

I'm not catholic. I'm not religious. I'm not even that spiritual really... but I do know a presence when I feel one. I've never been comfortable in a church in my entire life, but walking in there today was as comfortable and as peaceful as I've ever felt. Today, as lost and as frightened as we were, kneeling on that bench, clenching each other with the utmost desperation and praying with our eyes closed tightly shut and tears streaming down our cheeks, I swear I felt someone come and put their arms around us and give us a huge, warm embrace.

The morning had began on a very sour note. We've finally run out of money for food and there's no sign of any help on the horizon. We're desperate, we're scared, we're consumed with worry and fear. Earlier today, we were arguing about it and ready to kill each other, but instead we decided to head to a church and maybe light a candle. We certainly didn't intend on kneeling down on a prayer bench and I don't think either of us planned on crying as much as we did. J. almost always attends church and is a devoted Catholic, but I don't think he expected me to suggest the idea that we go together. He looked at me defeated and said, "I've been praying. God's not listening." I held him and said, "Well, maybe He can ignore you, but I'm loud and obnoxious and I know He can't ignore me." So we went. We lit candles together, J. showed me how to cross myself with holy water upon entering and then we signed a registry that asked for prayers on the church's behalf.

Standing in the back of this beautiful church, we had a choice of kneeling to pray in front of Jesus, St. Jude or Mary. Funny conversations occurred whenever I had questions and I commend J. for always being so patient with me, especially considering that I am usually near panicked or at least very anxious in any church. I was raised deep in the recesses of Baptist 'hellfire and brimstone' theology and Catholic churches and customs seem downright liberal-minded compared to my upbringing.
Upon viewing the kneeling benches beneath the statues of Jesus, St. Jude or Mary:

Me: His feet are rubbed raw from people kissing them.
J: Yeah, you kneel and pray here. See the bench?
Me: Oh, I didn't know what that was. (nervous chuckle)
J: It's okay. There are benches under all of them.
Me: The one under Mary is the only one big enough for two people. Should we pray to her?
J: You don't want to use the Jesus bench? Or St. Jude?
Me: Is there a difference? Don't they all hear you?
J: Typically, you pray to the saints and then the saints kind of act on your behalf and talk to the big guys.
Me: (seriously amused) So saints are like the bouncers of Heaven?
J: They're supposed to be more understanding because they were once human.
Me: Oh. But they have benches in front of Jesus and Mary...
J: Yeah, you can pray to them too.
Me: But Mary has room for both of us on her bench.
J: (laughing) Okay, sweetie, we'll pray to Mary.

So J. teaches me how to use a prayer bench properly and we kneel with our hands clasped together, fingers interlocking, looking up at Mary with wonder and then neither of us knows what to say...

Me: So, how do you pray?
J: Well, you just do. You kind of already have. When you lit the candles back there, you just did.
Me: Oh. I was always taught that you were supposed to bow your head and close your eyes and then somebody else says something and then you've prayed.
J: (silently laughing) Well, yeah..

Then there's a strange pause of silence and J. turns to me with a sheepish look on his face and whispers, "I don't really know how to do this either." We burst into silent fits of laughter. I swear, what is it about getting the giggles in church?

Me: Well, how do you start?
J: Um.. uh.. I don't know where to start.
Me: Okay.. well, talk to your dad. You know he's listening, right?
J: (thinking and then to his dad) Okay... so I guess I don't have to tell you where we're at, because you already know.

Then it happens. This flood of emotion overcomes both of us and we both just hold each other tight and hold our eyes shut and pray and cry like babies. I begin thinking of all the people I've lost in the my life, the people that I was always told were simply 'with God'... my uncle Jack, all the beloved biker friends of my mom that were like a second family to me that are now gone, my uncle Sam, my grandmother Wilma that passed away when my dad was only four years old and altered his life (and mine) so completely with her passing, my beloved Papa Den that spoiled me so much as a child... every person that I could think of that I felt any sort of connection to. I wished for them all to come and support us in any way they could, to help us fight off our desperation.

Then I watched as J. removed his glasses and wiped away so many tears, only to continue crying so heavily. All of our desperation, all of our worry, all of our financial trials... they were all trivial compared to his current pain. Trying so hard to fight back his tears, trying so hard to please everyone, trying so hard to know the right path, trying so hard not to feel like a failure.. knowing that in spite of everything, the only thing he wanted so badly in that moment was to be able to have one more day with his father. To know that this was the only way to talk him and that it would always be like this. I can't imagine that pain and I don't know how he deals with it as well as he does. But I swear that right then something or someone came up and hugged us both as tight as it could and I am forever grateful for the gesture.

Afterward, our day continued at a leisurely pace. We returned home, walked the dog and made lunch together. Then we took a 4-hour nap (some of the best sleep I've had in a while) and stayed up late watching movies on basic cable. Somehow it turned out to be a good day after all. Later, J. told me he'd never prayed with anyone before and that he really liked praying with me. I have to say that I feel the same. I never thought I'd feel safe in a church and I certainly never thought I'd feel peaceful while praying in front of another person. I can't say that I am a changed person or that I have decided to be a devout Catholic, but I do know that the possibility is there should I choose it and that I am indeed not alone.

Ooh! It's hide-and-seek!

So.. can you find the beagle in this picture? She cracks me up sometimes. Even in the deepest stages of sleep, she still has to be able to smell everything or she simply cannot rest.

Eh.. nevermind.

So I changed my mind and decided to go for a fall look instead. Basically I realized I needed to learn some more html code and such for my Halloween layout to work. Yeah, I stole it from my photoblog, but I figure this will become a full-blown Halloween layout around mid-October sometime, so I might as well enjoy these pretty colors while they last. Until Haunting Time, this will have to do... Truthfully, I like it. :-)

Hello, My Pretty...

Just thought I should let you know that I'll be preparing this place for Halloween, baby!! Autumn over the next few days. So, are you ready?

(You can thank these guys for the pretty face.)

I have a good day, every now and then

God bless my mom. I went down today to see her and she gave me $20 that she didn't really have and then sat with me while we rolled all the pennies in her giant change tin. Ironically, since she knows what it's like to be truly poor, she wasn't giving up any of her silver coins. We ended up rolling about $20 in pennies, which we then determined was a new record. She gave it all to me and then sent me home with dog biscuits for Gypsy. After we were finished, she starts looking intently into the bottom of the change tin and then says to me, "Wow. I don't think I've seen the bottom of this thing in years! Good thing I've got a steady paycheck nowadays or else it would've been empty before you ever got here!" No one cracks me up like my mother.

J. is currently on his way home from his job interview in Chicago and should be home any minute. Apparently it went well, which is kind of what we hoped and then also what we feared. We don't want to have to live 5 hours apart from each other, but it seems like the only option that's available to us right now. On his way home, he called me at my mom's to let me know he was headed home. You'd think he would've immediately told me how the interview went or where he was or something to that effect, but nope. The first words out of his mouth?

"I don't know if I'll be home in time to catch CSI with you, but I'll certainly try."

Emailing each other about the plot twists of X-Files, spending our first dates falling in love while watching old tapes of MST3K and now CSI together. Does that boy know the key to my heart or what? ;-)

Suggestion Box

Okay.. so I need some new reading material and I'm taking suggestions.

I picked up some random $1 books at our favorite book store back in July and I have to say I was sorely disappointed. I really thought I would get a kick out of Nick Hornby's How To Be Good, but I just kept thinking it would be much better as a movie so that it wouldn't seem to drag on forever. It kind of sucked too, because I really liked About A Boy and I had high hopes. Then I read Cormac McCarthy's All the Pretty Horses and thought I was going to overdose on romantic melodrama and vomit before I got to the third chapter. Eventually, I'm going to refresh my memory on Tolkien and re-read the Lord of the Rings trilogy and The Hobbit. However, in the meantime, since I've recently dropped a class that required way too much damn reading anyway (and all about one topic, might I add), I now have some time before bed to kick back and get some good leisurely reading done. And right now, I'll take whatever type of escapism I can get.
So, give me your suggestions, but keep in mind I have a few guidelines:

And I'll be honest here.. anything I read now is basically just a sad way to kill time until this beautiful baby arrives. Plus, there's no guarantee that I'll be able to buy the books you might suggest, but I do have a library card and that's like a key to the forbidden city, right?

So, have at it.. you know what to do. ;-)