Happy New Year to everyone! May 2004 bring the best adventures and the most amazing stories into your lives... May you be nothing but blessed.
And Happy Birthday to Rasee!!! (Who is probably a day ahead of me, but you get the idea..) You are a truly magnificent woman and I look forward to sharing your adventures and exploring your wonderful friendship in the year ahead. :-)
And to my sweetest J.... Happy Anniversary sweetie! Four years down and a lifetime to go. I love you so very, very much.... May our paths continue to intertwine as beautifully as they have so far... :-)
Holy Shit. I am in such excruciating pain right now. I never imagined that a buildup of fluid in one ear could cause such extensive pain in your head. Last night, I slept with my head hanging upside down off the bed for nearly 2 hours and although it relieved some of the pressure on my ear, nothing drained out and all it really got me was a massive headache. This morning, as J. was leaving for work, the entire right side of my face began to swell and my ear is now killing me. I've always had problems with excess fluid in my right ear, but this is ridiculous.
The entire right side of my face is swollen and painful to the touch. The left side of my face? Nothing. It's like a massive explosion has happened on only one side of my body. I've tried Sudafed (which all the nurses recommend) and it's done absolutely nothing. This fucking sucks. I did not want to spend New Year's Eve and our 4-year-anniversary laying in bed crying from pain. And to top it off, J. has to work a full day today and can't use any sick days or anything because he is still in his probationary period. He sat with me until he was going to be 30 minutes late to work this morning and I could see that he did not want to leave me. The ultra-sucky thing is that he is sick too, but so far it hasn't advanced beyond the sore throat and runny nose. I really hope he doesn't end up with this massive ear problem, because it is fucking hell.
I know I will probably end up going to the Urgent Care clinic this evening, but I'm so dizzy that I'm afraid to drive there by myself. So I have to wait on J. to get home and then I have to see if we have enough money to cover the visit since I'm not insured. Is this Mercury retrograding? Or is this just a taste of the upcoming year? Please tell me that this is only temporary and that things will get better in January. Pretty please? With lots of sugar and extra sprinkles on top? Pleeeeeaasse?? Oh, uuuuggh. Just make it stop!
I think I officially have "Hit-by-a-truck-itis." I don't think it's the flu because I'm not in horrible pain and I don't have any nausea or anything. But I certainly feel as though I've been hit by something, whether it be a full-fledged Mack truck or maybe a small hybrid car. Either way, this feels like hell. I am sitting still and I'm dizzy. My legs are rubber and I feel like I'm swimming. The entire ride side of my head is either clogged or sore and my neck and back take turns aching. I don't understand how my right nostril can simultaneously be clogged and worthless, yet still be running like a water fountain. I have an undying urge to slam an icepick in my ear in order to relieve some of that nasty pressure and let some fluid drain out so that I can hear again. Uuuuuuugggghhhhhhh.....
I was afraid of this. I didn't want to be bedridden on our 4-year anniversary. I wanted to go out and go dancing. So did J., but apparently he's sick too. *sigh*
Back to bed... Stupid germs. I hate you.. I hate you all!!
Admit it. You want my beagle slipper socks. You only wish you could be so cool as to have little flop-eared dogs on your own feet, especially when you're walking through the house and freaking out the cats with giant bobbing beagle-heads, following them everywhere.
It's okay to admit it. We all have weaknesses.
It's about damn time. That shit is poison and I'm sick of seeing my friends have multiple heart attacks after taking it. I've been waiting for this for a long time. Let's hope it passes without any problems.
There are a couple of new entries in the photoblog if you're interested. :-)
-- You know it's bad when you're walking around the house with a roll of toilet paper attached to your hand because you're leaking out of every possible orifice in your face.
-- Even the dog tries to avoid your germs. She sniffs your breath and somehow knows that you have the plague and must be avoided.
-- Sneezing is a blessing. It's the threat of sneezing without the actual act itself that is possibly the worst form of torture ever. I can tolerate anything, anything at all. Really. Just do not leave me with that feeling of 'I'm about to sneeze, thank God!' that dissolves quickly into a sensation of about five packs of Pop Rocks going off inside my sinuses. I'd rather have my fingernails pulled off with toothpicks, thank you.
-- Whoever invented Halls and vaporizers should have statues dedicated in their honor.
-- Using your new sick voice to throw off telemarketers is a great ploy. They will constantly think you are a 5-year-old that knows nothing or an old lady that is horribly cranky. Use it often.
-- Do not take Dayquil without a strong chaser. That stuff is poison and must be handled with extreme caution. I've heard the aftertaste alone could kill a man.
Since December has felt more like one week than one month, this list of positives is going to be for the entire month, or the last few weeks of it anyway. :-)
-- Christmas chaos is over, therefore no more extensive traveling!
-- New Year's is Wednesday and...
-- it's the 4-year anniversary of our first date! :-)
-- Even though my throat is killing me and I'm sick, I can sleep all day because..
-- there's no school for another two weeks!! :-D
-- A wonderful Christmas and getting to spend time with lots of my family
-- Getting an awesome DVD/CD/MP3/WMA/Photo player from my mom! :-)
-- Dreaming of all the DVD sets we can get now (X-Files!!!)
-- Sending holiday cards and making people feel loved
-- Receiving holiday cards and feeling loved in return
-- Laughing with my mom at the craft mall last week about funny homemade signs
-- Surviving shopping hell the weekend before Christmas and getting everything done
-- Passing all of my classes!
-- Receiving new food for Froggy and making him happy
-- J. making the ten-hour trip to see his family and having fun and good conversation with them while he was there
-- J. making the ten-hour trip home safely and hugging me tight when he arrived
-- J. being impressed and flattered when I had lasagna baking when he got home
-- J. holding me and sending me off to bed early when I started to get sick
-- Home-cooked meals with family and then enjoying pizza from one of my favorite hometown places
-- A fun Christmas Day dinner with Pasty at 1am in the Flying J (because it was the only place open)
-- Her hilarious gift for me (a very loud humping chihuahua from Spencer's)
-- Seeing my new 3-day-old nephew (my cousin who is really like my brother anyway and actually is by marriage - dad married to mom's sister, blah blah, you know the story) and..
-- being mesmerized by Little Zachary all weekend
-- Lots of good photographs of him and the proud parents
-- Walking Gypsy through the same city park that is such a huge part of my childhood memories and..
-- seeing her go insane because there are so many rabbits there!
-- Making it home okay in our other car (the neon) and..
-- Dad fixing my battery terminals and leaving no part of the engine unturned (you can take the man out of the mechanic business, but you can't take the mechanic out of the man)
-- Surviving finals and one more semester of school which means..
-- I am one entire year closer to graduation :-)
-- J. passing his EIT-exam on the first try!!! wow!!! that's my sweetie!!!
-- Mom giving J. vodka and Kentucky bourbon for Christmas
-- Enjoying all the benefits of dad's big screen tv while I was home
-- Seeing that Sissy (the family dog) is finally being exercised and is on some medication for her arthritis pain (after how many years of my nagging? a dog is not a prop, people! you have to take care of it!)
-- Coming home to happy and healthy kitties
-- Seeing them fight over my lovely throw blanket that I got (it's cats sleeping on books!! two of my favorite things!)
-- Jared's (my cousin) new girlfriend giving me the cat blanket after I lost it in the trivia game, just because she already had one and knew I had wanted it
-- J. bringing home lots of homemade goodies and cookies from his family in Michigan!
-- Several new interesting snowmen to add to my holiday collection (I display them every winter along with black cats during Halloween)
-- I got one of my favorite games for Christmas - MadGab!! I kick butt at MadGab!
-- Feng Shui candles from Pasty
-- Lots of new gadgets for J. from my family
-- Dad paying for a new retractable leash when Gypsy's broke at a rest stop on the way home
-- Seeing my mom get everything she wanted for Christmas and...
-- seeing her get it from a man that truly cares for her
-- Already having my digital Christmas pictures labeled, resized and ready for emailing
-- Surviving Christmas, Mercury retrograde and my aunt's bitchiness and still having a good time
-- The way my grandmother always lights up a little and gives me a big hug when I walk in the room
-- Having internet again
-- I have food to eat and clean water to drink
-- I have a nice car that gets me from point A to point B in style
-- I have happy and healthy kitties that love me and I love them
-- I have a dog that loves everyone and makes them laugh
-- I have a family that I enjoy going home to see
-- I have reasons to enjoy Christmas
-- I have J., who makes my life better by just loving me with all of his heart
-- I have comfort in an uncomfortable world
-- I am learning to love myself more and more every day and it's the best gift I could've ever received :-)
I came here all ready to post a big long entry that I've been working on forever. Now, I'm running a small fever, my throat hurts so bad that I dread every swallow and my head will not stop aching. Dammit. I thought I got away clean this year.
Bastard germs. Off to bed for me. Phooey. :-(
I've seen this survey everywhere and I've been eager to do it myself. Considering that it took 2 hours to complete, I'm glad it's done. Now, I'm off to shop for J.'s Christmas presents during clearance! No, we haven't had a Christmas yet, but it's usually postponed anyway because of money. That way we can relax and have gifts to open on our anniversary on New Year's.
Enjoy the survey... :-)
1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?
Took a trip to New York City.
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't really make resolutions. I just kind of say, "Well, I'll try that and if it doesn't work, then I'll try something else." I'm not time-dependent that way.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, my cousin (who's really like a brother to me) and his wife gave birth to their beautiful baby boy on Dec. 23 and he is adorable.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Johnny Cash. He was like my second father.
5. What countries did you visit?
Mine. (United States, that is.)
6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?
Financial stability.
7. What date(s) from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
J.'s birthday, July 26th, because he turned 30 as we stood atop the Empire State Building and kissed and I let go of my demons. March 3rd because it was a big day for bad things (3-3-03) and March 4th because it was the day everything was made all better -- the day we found Gypsy.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Surviving yet another year of college without giving up and very hard classes and falling more in love with J. every day.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I don't believe in failure. I believe there are changes in our paths that guide us in a better direction. Though if I had to pick one, I would say my inability to take care of my health like I should.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
A few times. Nothing life-threatening though.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My Nikon Coolpix 4300, hands down.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
J., for trying to keep me positive during school and me, for trying to keep J. positive when we're broke. (trust me, those are no small tasks.)
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My sister, for getting pregnant at 16, planning it that way, and running off to get married without parental consent while being simultaneously blind as to what she's doing or who it affects.
14. Where did most of your money go?
No freakin' clue. Could you tell me if you've seen it? Nah.. car payments, rent, groceries. Just the essentials.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Manhattan!! Getting a B on my biopsych paper from Hell. And getting a dog, of course.
16. What song will always remind you of 2003?
Matchbox 20's "Unwell" but only because I've heard it a gazillion times and am ready to kill Clear Channel as a result.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? the same
iii. richer or poorer? definitely poorer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercise, yoga, eating well.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Losing my temper, eating junk and fast food.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent it in Eastern Kentucky with my family.
22. Did you fall in love in 2003?
Again and again.
23. How many one-night stands?
Zero... ever.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
CSI, ER, Adult Swim, 24.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
My Italian professor is getting high on the list. I can only take so many condescending insults per semester and she's well over her quota.
26. What was the best book you read?
She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Over the Rhine.. I've heard about them in Cincy all this time and never listened until their recent album. I have never heard such an amazing mood and voice. I am hooked.
28. What did you want and get?
A vacation. A new domain that was Blogger-free, a dog.
29. What did you want and not get?
A house, an engagement ring.. but those are really due to a lack of money. So I'll just say money.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Good Girl.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Spent the day navigating my way back to Newark Airport from NYC and then driving home from Manhattan to Cincy. At 7:45 pm, I was home and turning 26.
32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Money.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?
Comfortable. I'm allllll about The Comfort.
34. What kept you sane?
Music, J., Gypsy, my mom, myself, blogging.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Hmmm... don't really know. I don't idolize celebrities a lot. They're just people with more money.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The way the media sensationalizes everything, it drives me mad.. and the capture of Saddam.
37. Who did you miss?
My friends from back home and those friends and family members that have passed.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
My blogging friends... the newer ones that have come into my life in the past year.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003.
Loving someone else does not mean that there will be less love for yourself. It is truly an endless thing.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"So I let Crazy take a spin, then I let Crazy settle in..."
Ahhh.. post-holiday boredom. I'm hanging out in Eastern Kentucky with my family until tomorrow and J. has left for the grueling 12-hour drive to Northern Michigan to see his family. All of my friends have made other plans tonight and forgot that I was still in town. So here I sit.. trying not to think too much about old boyfriends, old places that used to mean something, old memories that try to haunt me, old roads that used to go to old hangouts, old Wal-marts that are still filled with the same old people, old versions of me that used to live and dwell and frequent these same old places in this same old town. The little pudgy black puppy that I raised when I was still living here with a job and social life is now an 8-year-old dog with gray hairs surrounding the features of her face and arthritis in her back and ankles. It's strange how life moves on without you and yet somehow, it still stays exactly the same in the spots where you always wanted it to change.
I guess small towns are like that. Simultaneously balancing themselves between bittersweet nostalgia and desperate change.... much like myself.
So I'm off to spend Christmas with my family. I'm too addicted not to post something while I'm gone, but chances are that I will be scarce.
May everyone have a glorious holiday season and enjoy the time you have with those you love. :-)
Holy Shit. We just came back from a Christmas celebration at my mom and her boyfriend's place. We went ahead and opened our presents now so that we could have our own little get together before the big shebang tomorrow night at my grandmother's with all 8 million of my family members. Every year, everyone is required to make a Christmas list because no one ever knows what to get anyone and doesn't really like to shop aimlessly, especially without money. What my mom got us tonight was never even on our list. She snapped a picture when we opened it. Our mouths are literally hanging wide open and our jaw is dropped in mutual surprise.
She got us a DVD/CD/MP3/WMA/Photo Player. Holy Fuck. My mom.. the woman that has sat and rolled pennies with me our entire lives in order to buy bread and gas when times are just unbearable. The same woman that works nearly 60 hours a week in retail at a small busy store in the middle of nowhere just to make minimum wage and survive. She saved up for nearly a month to buy it for us, just because she knew it would surprise us and make us happy. I am floored... and so, sooo grateful to have a mother like mine. She continues to amaze me with her love for us.
The best part was seeing her finally spend Christmas with a genuinely good man for a change and seeing her squeal with excitement when he bought her not one, but four pieces of very nice jewelry just because he loves her enough to pay attention to what she wants and likes. A gorgeous watch with flashing hearts in the background, ruby heart earrings and two amazing rings. Jewelry... her favorite. Hearts... her ultra favorite.
Sometimes it's good to see life come full circle, even if the journey was harder than you ever imagined. I'm glad I was able to be a witness to this one.
Life is hectic. Breathing must be scheduled. Christmas is fun but quite possibly the most taxing day of the year. I finally have internet again, but am too busy to use it. I don't think I've ever been in so many traffic jams within a ten-mile radius on one day in my entire life. I have so many things I've wanted to write about over the past week, but am now so busy that I can't remember what they were. At some point this madness will end. I just wish I could get five little minutes of peace before it even begins. *sigh* I'm so tired. I've missed my little outlet here. I've missed my online friends. I've cruised blogs, but I still feel so out of the loop.
So tell me.. what have I missed? Or better yet, what would you like me to know?
I'm Baaaaaack......
But now I'm off for some last minute shopping with my mom. Hee hee!
Updates to come later. :-)
I am done baby!! Wooooooohooooooo!!!
Just finished my last final and I am now out the damn door and headed home for a much-needed break!!! Can I get a 'hell yeah!'
So, anyway, since I probably won't be able to get much internet access until maybe next monday... some thoughts before I head home tonight.
I hope everyone has a lovely break/holiday/week/weekend/Wednesday. I'll be thinking of you while I'm sleeping in this week... yeah, right. But I do send smiles to all. :-D Ciao!
Ah, jeez.. what a week and it's only Wednesday. Also quite a shitty week to not have an internet connection. I've wanted to blog so badly all week and couldn't. Suck. I did do some writing in MSWord though so hopefully I'll get that uploaded and have some entries to post later. Right now, though? I have yet another final and I have to type up the essay questions before the exam. It is my last one though.. so woohoo for that at least!
*sigh* It's been such a crazy week. So many good/bad/crazy/what-the-fuck moments all in a series of days... and all the chaos just keeps on coming. I'll clarify later when I update my blog after the final. Alas.. I have work to do.
I say ‘fuck’ a lot when I’m mad. Deal with it.
I cannot believe this. 6am. Here I am, awakened from upsetting dreams, dealt yet another blow by the universe. I’ve never felt so completely helpless and angry all at once.
We’re starting to think that she planned it.
Last night she called my father to inform him that they had run off and gotten married. My dad didn’t believe it because she is still a minor and you need parental consent for that. Well, guess what… in Kentucky there is now a law that says you can get married as a minor without parental consent if 1) you are sixteen and 2) you are pregnant. Mother. Fucker. My dad didn’t believe it. He did the research online and even went down to the courthouse to get the records of their marriage. It’s true. Thank you Kentucky for allowing every fucking ‘hillbilly’ stereotype to flourish and for violating my father’s parental rights for absolutely no logical reason. And just how did she know about this law and we didn’t? The boy’s cousin is a damn judge. He told them about the law and then later granted them the marriage license. How convenient.
She told my dad that she wasn’t happy at home, that she wanted to get away from her tyrant of a mother. Understandable. I was raised by that woman once and I know the hell that she can bring into your life. But there have got to be other ways of doing it than this. If she were truly unhappy and were truly thinking that hard about getting away, she knows she could’ve asked my dad to let her live with him. She knows she could’ve stayed with her grandmother. She knows she could’ve come and stayed with me. She knows she could’ve done a million other fucking things. She knows all of this… but of course, that’s not half as appealing as running off with your high-school sweetheart, sixteen and pregnant and living on his family’s farm in the middle of nowhere where you think you won’t have to deal with any responsibility for your actions. She told my dad that this is what she wants, that they are going to move out to his farm in the middle of nowhere and live with his parents. She says that this way, she doesn’t have to deal with her mother anymore. She has no remorse. She has no fear. She has no idea what the fuck she has gotten into.
Dad said she would be there at Christmas with my new brother-in-law and laughed and said, “Ain’t that something? You believe this?” She acts as if everything is okay and nothing has happened. My Aunt V. wants me to send her a ‘Congratulations on your wedding’ card. I am having none of it. If everyone else is just as shocked and angry and as hurt as I am, why must I be the only one forced to hide it? Fuck that. Does she even realize that she has brought another life into this equation? Has it even occurred to her that she is going to age 6 years in the next 6 months? Has it even occurred to her the pain that she has caused my father? To know that he will never walk her down the aisle, never get to actually be excited about having his first grandchild? To know that he is still paying her fucking child support? To know that she has quite possibly thrown away every dream she ever had? Does she even know how fucking hard marriage is and that this boy she is so fucking infatuated with has no job and no way to support them and may never be father material in the first place? Does she even realize that if she screws this up, this child will have to pay for her mistakes for the rest of its life? Has it even occurred to her that this is possibly the most selfish thing she has ever done and that it is not a happily-ever-after dream but a nightmare in reality?
She is nearly 3 months pregnant already and there’s been no prenatal care whatsoever. Apparently not.
I just… *sigh*... I cannot fucking believe this. I have a final tonight. I haven’t studied. I have a sore throat and my body aches and I’m dizzy and coughing, but it doesn’t matter. I know that the world doesn’t stop for me. I know that life deals you tons of crap whether you like it or not. I just wish that at some point, all of the crap that gets slung at you in life would just take a damn break… or at least not come flying at you all at once. Last night I cried and asked God why blows are being delivered everywhere but I am the only one that seems to feel them. I cried and cried and cried and asked why every dream I’ve ever worked so hard for has constantly been shattered right before my eyes. I’ve always wanted to be the one to give my dad his first grandchild. My sister is ten years younger than me and still in her teens. I thought that was a done deal. I thought I would be the first married and that my dad would walk me down the aisle proudly with my sister as a bridesmaid. For a brief period, I was honestly thinking of running off to Vegas with J., just because it makes so much sense for us to be married and because we want it so badly, but it’s the only way we could ever afford a wedding. We would never tell my family, just because I would never want to hurt them that way. We would have a beautiful wedding anyway and never mention Vegas because it would upset them so much. Now? That is definitely out of the question. I will never do to my dad what my sister has done. He is going to give away his daughter at a formal wedding and he is going to be given time to become excited about becoming a grandparent, knowing that it is the right time and we are ready and will be good parents. I am going to give him the things that he has worked so hard for, the things that he should be allowed to have as a father. I’ll be damned if I am going to strip him of those parental rights.
J. told me last night to not hate her, to not turn her away, to not shut her out. I don’t hate her. I don’t think I could shut her out or turn her away. But at Christmas, I honestly don’t know what I’ll do. I can’t guarantee that I’ll keep my mouth shut. I can’t guarantee that I’ll just sit quietly and say ‘oh well’ like everyone else. I may bite my pillow and cry at night and wake up with a queasy stomach and scream and yell when I’m by myself, but I honestly have no idea how I will react when I finally see her in person.
No matter how much I may scream or yell or shake my fists at the universe, the most agonizing part of it is knowing that I can do nothing at all. Truthfully? It just makes me so sad… and it hurts, god it hurts so much.
A note for the cashier at Kroger:
When I'm checking out and you ask me if I have my lousy fifty cents off of a drastically overpriced item anyway but still a necessary evil ripoff card Special Shopper's Discount Card and I respond with, "No, not today."
Please, do not suddenly grab the sleeve of the nice elderly lady behind me in line and shout in your best you're-old-and-therefore-must-be-totally-incompetent-and-deaf-voice, "Hey! Can she use your shopper card? She doesn't have hers today!" It is really not necessary to scare elderly ladies and leave me standing there smiling politely trying to explain your insane act of loud rudeness and desperately hoping that poor woman does not have a heart attack in the middle of the grocery store. I do not enjoy that at all.
And if it does happen again, I will not hesitate to grab your sleeve just as suddenly and exclaim just as loudly to the cashier behind you in the same patronizing and ear-shattering tone, "Hey! Can she borrow your common sense? She doesn't have hers today!"
Thank you. That is all.
Ahhhh... two out of three finals all finished. I'm a free agent until Wednesday night. Now it's time for the fun part: selling back my books and having some Christmas cash! woohoo! Hope everyone is having a nice Monday. Mine is certainly going much better now. :-)
One Italian final from hell completed and done. Much thanks to J. for staying up late and helping me study.. which really helped!
Wish me luck on the next one: biopsych. Ew.
Well, well... it seems our internet has finally been shut off. Hopefully we'll have it back on within a week or so and I won't have to post from the library and the school anymore. In the meantime, I'll be scarce. Not a big deal, seeing as how I'll be ass-deep in finals anyway. Ugh. What a freakin' week.
Hope your weekend is going well.... :-)
Man.. what is it with my temper? How come I can never just be slightly agitated or peeved or whatever? How come I evolve so quickly into a total hurricane of fury? Over the most trivial shit! And how come it's so damn physical with me? I've never attacked a person or an animal, but I can't tell you how many times I've walked out of a room with a sore hand from smacking a wall or a sore throat from screaming at the top of my lungs, if even for a brief moment. I don't even realize it's happening. Just all of a sudden, something irritates me and I can't hold it in. My hands start to shake, my teeth grind and my fists clench and the next thing I know.. I'm smacking another damn wall or throwing another damn ink pen across the room.
Some days I wish it wasn't considered so strange to just fly off the handle and slug a punching bag (instead of a person) without everyone recoiling, looking at you like you're some strange alien being and accusing you of having "issues." Some days I wish I could just take a vacation from everyone and everything and not have to explain why or for how long. Some days I wish that I could just go somewhere and beat the shit out of a giant oak tree and totally flow with my hormonal surges rather than try to curb them and "cope" like 'normal' people. Some days I wish that I could just slip off the radar and come back feeling calmer and better about myself and that no one would notice that I was even gone.
Being raised deep within the recesses of Appalachian dialect, I had to copy this from Janet and do it myself. I can't wait to see J.'s answers, seeing as how he was raised wayyyy up north and my family still lovingly calls him 'the yankee.' We like to sit and debate some of these words all the time. Enjoy! It's a long one...
WHAT DO YOU CALL:
The basics: I grew up in Eastern Kentucky in a town on the border of West Virginia and Ohio.
A body of water, smaller than a river, contained within relatively narrow banks.
A creek or sometimes a 'crick.'
What the thing you push around the grocery store is called.
A buggy.
A metal container to carry a meal in.
Lunchpail.
The thing that you cook bacon and eggs in.
Skillet.
The piece of furniture that seats three people.
Couch.
The device on the outside of the house that carries rain off the roof.
A gutter.
The covered area outside a house where people sit in the evening.
The porch.
Carbonated, sweetened, non-alcoholic beverages.
Pop.
A flat, round breakfast food served with syrup.
Pancakes.
A long sandwich designed to be a whole meal in itself.
Sub.
The piece of clothing worn by men at the beach.
Trunks.
Shoes worn for sports.
Tennis shoes.
Putting a room in order.
Cleaning or straightening up.
A flying insect that glows in the dark.
Lightning Bugs! (we used to keep them in little jars and then rip their poor glowing butts off to use as sparkling jewelry. Yes, we were sadists.)
The little insect that curls up into a ball.
'Tater bugs! I used to stick them with sticks for hours just to watch them curl up into those neat little balls. (Again, yes, we were sadists.)
The children's playground equipment where one kid sits on one side and goes up while the other sits on the other side and goes down.
Teeter-totter.
How do you eat your pizza?
With my hands, starting from the pointed end. People that used silverware on their pizza were just plain weird. ;-)
What's it called when private citizens put up signs and sell their used stuff?
Rummage sale.
What's the evening meal?
Supper.
The thing under a house where the furnace and perhaps a rec room are?
The basement or just 'downstairs.'
What word(s) do you use to address a group of two or more people?
I have never said "y'all"... it has always driven me nuts, though lots of other people said it like it was their favorite word. Most of the time, I just say 'you guys.'
Would you say "Are you coming with?" as a full sentence, to mean "Are you coming with us?"
God, no. That just sounds like someone with a supreme stick up their butt. We usually said, "Well.. ya' comin?"
Would you say "where are you at?" to mean "where are you?"
I just say, "where are you" but my family uses the 'at' a lot when they talk and my smart-ass answer is "Between the A and the T on preposition street." It usually gets a good eye roll from someone.
Modals are words like "can," "could," "might," "ought to," and so on. Can you use more than one modal at a time? (e.g., "I might could do that" to mean "I might be able to do that"; or "I used to could do that" to mean "I used to be able to do that")
No and it's an anomaly to me when people do that.
What do you call the area of grass between the sidewalk and the road?
Uh.. the area of grass between the sidewalk and the road.
What do you call the area of grass that occurs in the middle of some streets?
Median.
What do you call the long narrow place in the middle of a divided highway?
Median.
What do you call the drink made with milk and ice cream?
Mmmm... a milkshake.
What do you call the miniature lobster that one finds in lakes and streams for example (a crustacean of the family Astacidae)?
Craw-dads, dammit!!! They're craw-dads! (Yes, I'm purposely trying to piss off J.)
What do you call the kind of spider (or spider-like creature) that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs?
A daddy long-legs.. or more accurately in my house: dead.
What nicknames do/did you use for your maternal grandmother?
Nanny (which was a variation on Granny since none of the early grandkids could say it and the rest of us just followed suit.)
What about your paternal grandmother (is there a distinction?)
I never really had a paternal grand mother, but if so, we would've probably called her 'Ma-maw' in order to create a distinction.
What do/did you call your maternal grandfather?
Papa (pronounced "Pa-paw")
paternal grandfather?
Papa Den (because his name was Denver)
What do you call the big clumps of dust that gather under furniture and in corners?
Dustbunnies.
What term do you use to refer to something that is across both streets from you at an intersection (or diagonally across from you in general)?
Um.. the corner?
What do you call the activity of driving around in circles in a car?
Doing doughnuts of course.
What do you call paper that has already been used for something or is otherwise imperfect?
Scratch paper.
What is your *general* term for a big road that you drive relatively fast on?
Highway or interstate.
What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining?
Purty. ;-P
When you are cold, and little points of skin begin to come on your arms and legs, you have- Goosebumps or chillbumps.
What do you call the gooey or dry matter that collects in the corners of your eyes, especially while you are sleeping?
Gunk.
What do you call an easy course?
Um, easy? or just 'that was a breeze.'
What do you call a traffic situation in which several roads meet in a circle and you have to get off at a certain point?
A turnaround.
What is the thing that women use to tie their hair?
A ponytail holder, no matter what it looks like.
Do you use the word cruller?
Don't think so.
Do you use the term "bear claw" for a kind of pastry?
Yes, but more often we use it for a kind of ice cream that I didn't discover until after I met J.
What do you call someone who is the opposite of pigeon-toed (i.e. when they walk their feet point outwards)?
Bow-legged.
Can you call coleslaw "slaw"?
Yes.
What do you call the box you bury a dead person in?
A casket or a coffin.
Do you say "vinegar and oil" or "oil and vinegar" for the type of salad dressing?
Oil and vinegar.
What do you call it when a driver changes over one or more lanes way too quickly?
Asinine.
When you stand outside with a long line of people waiting to get in somewhere, are you standing "in line" or "on line" (as in, "I stood ___ in the cold for two hours before they opened the doors")?
In line.
Do you say "frosting" or "icing" for the sweet spread one puts on a cake?
I've said both. More often though, I say frosting.
What is "the City"?
Anywhere that has lots of people and one or more shopping centers.
What is the distinction between dinner and supper?
Dinner was for yankees and rich people. We had supper. :-P
Do you cut or mow the lawn or grass?
Cut the grass.
Do you pass in homework or hand in homework?
Hand in.
What do you call the insect that looks like a large thin spider and skitters along the top of water?
Water-bugs! I used to watch those things for hours.
What do you call the thing from which you might drink water in a school?
Water fountain.
What do you call a public railway system (normally underground)?
Subway
What do you call the act of covering a house or area in front of a house with toilet paper?
Rolling.
What do you call a traffic jam caused by drivers slowing down to look at an accident or other diversion on the side of the road?
Rubberneckers, but I'd never heard that until I met J. and thought it was hilarious.
What vowel do you use in bag?
The A though sometimes it's combined with a Y as in "bayg." Yeah, sometimes my inner bumpkin comes out anyway, despite my best efforts.
What do you call the paper container in which you might bring home items you bought at the store?
A sack.
What do you call the night before Halloween?
Magic.
What do you call the end of a loaf of bread?
The heel.
How do you pronounce the word for the type of drug that acts as central nervous system depressant and is used as a sedative or hypnotic? (Please do not look up the word in a dictionary before answering this question.)
A tranquilizer?
What do you call a point that is purely academic, or that cannot be settled and isn't worth discussing further?
A moot point or 'that's neither here nor there.'
How do you pronounce the -sp- sequence in "thespian" (the word meaning "actor")?
Thess-pi-an. No, I do not rhyme it with lesbian.
What do you call a drive-through liquor store?
A dry run.
What do you call food that you buy at a restaurant but then eat at home?
Ordering out.
What do you say when you want to lay claim to the front seat of a car?
"Shotgun!"
What word do you use for gawking at someone in a lustful way?
Gawking.
Do you say "expecially", or "especially"?
Neither. We always said 'specially.' Who needs those first syllables anyway? ;-)
I'm sorry the comments look so screwy. I couldn't figure out why multiple lines of text were overlapping on each other and in an effort to fix it, I seem to have made it worse. I'll fix it later.. I have a test to take today, so studying is my priority at the moment.
Ahhh, the story of my life. The house is on fire? Mm-hmm, okay.. after finals. Pigs are flying and the sky has gone a nasty shade of crimson? Mm-hmm.. after finals. The apocalypse is coming? Oh, well, I'll take care of it right after finals... *sigh*
Update: Woohoo! My comments are finally fixed thanks to a wonderful email from the ever-so-kind Gabriel. Thank you so much!! :-)
When I am really tired and don't get enough sleep, I don't necessarily get bitchy or loopy. Most of all, I get downright suicidal. It is amazing how much my depressed moods correlate with lack of sleep. I'm not exactly sure why that happens. (Oh man, did I just use "correlate" in regular conversation? Looks like I've officially become successfully psych-major-mind-controlled. I'm doomed.)
Right now I am supposed to be in Italian class, but I hit snooze too many times and didn't make it. (And why do they make alarm clocks have such huge snooze buttons now? The Snooze button is bigger than the damn Off button! Bastards.) So I thought, "That's okay. I'll be able to get some extra sleep before studying for my biopsych exam later today." Lay back down... nothing. Deep breathing, relaxing thoughts, comfortable repositioning...Zilch. Zip. Nada. I hate this insomnia. It drives me crazy how much I cannot back to sleep after even the slightest interruption.
So I get up and check some email, cruise some blogs, listen to the radio... nothing works. Every animal in the house is asleep and I'm still up. At night, it's the other way around... with the cats anyway. Gypsy and J. seem to sleep just fine anywhere, anytime, regardless of interruptions.
On top of everything else, my body has been aching the past few days and I've been having those weird fever-buzz-ish headaches you get right before the flu or something. However, I have no other symptoms so I'm sure it's not the flu, since that comes on quite quickly and makes you miserable. Mostly, I think it's due to the stress in my life right now. My neck has always had problems and been stiff (due to a car accident when I was 4), but that's also where all of my tension goes and I think it's screwing with everything and giving me headaches.
I just don't know what to make of life right now. We're broke, we don't even have the money to send out Christmas cards to family members much less get a single Christmas present for each other, we love each other a great deal but can't afford to get married or even engaged at the moment and we struggle on a daily basis in order to get by so that we can someday have a nice life in a nice home, possibly with some children and a nice level of security because we worked so hard to be responsible and do the right thing throughout our lives and it paid off. Meanwhile, my sister gets pregnant at 16 by her 19-year-old high school dropout punk of a boyfriend and everyone will probably pay for her to have a nice shotgun wedding and even buy them a little place to live because doing all of those things is considered the 'right thing to do.'
Meanwhile, I am constantly teased in my family for not having had any kids yet. Everyone else started in their freakin' teens from unexpected pregnancies and because I chose to go to college and grow up a little so that I could be a good parent (if I ever chose to be a parent at all), I am ridiculed. Yet my mom always tells me that when she and my dad talk about me, he often says that he is proud of me. Of course, my dad never says any of this to my face. He always just tells other people. Every single time I go home, I get the same sarcastic shit from him. I could quote it verbatim by now...
Me: [something about how I have to study for a very hard test and how I am trying really hard to pass these harder senior-level classes]
Dad: So when are you going to graduate?
Me: [I pause to do the math and calculate the exact month, but am interrupted..]
Dad: Yeah, you don't even know. They love you. You've been there so long that you pay all their bills. [laughter from everyone]
Me: Dad, I'll be graduating in December of next year. I'm almost done.
Dad: That's what you've been saying for the past two years.
Me: I know that, dad, but I've changed my major three times. I've been a psych major for almost four years now and I'm doing good. The thing that's holding me back is getting all the requirements for my minor (photography) out of the way. After that, I'm good.
Dad: Uh-huh. You'll be in school forever, Staz. [more laughter]
This is the only support I've ever known from my dad about anything. Sarcastic jokes. Negativity. My father has said he's proud of me only once, when I graduated high school. No one in my family takes anything I say seriously and my dad's constant jokes seem to be at the heart of it all. I love my dad dearly, I really do.. but I just don't understand why he's such an absolute hard-ass to me and no one else. My sister gets pregnant at 16 and his reaction on the phone was a lassez-faire, "Oh well, what are you gonna do? I guess they'll get married." I know damn well that if I had gotten pregnant at 16 by any one of my high-school boyfriends, my dad would've taken me out into the woods and shot me himself. I would've endured a torture unlike anything childbirth could've given me: my dad's lectures for the rest of my life. Yet somehow, I am supposed to believe that he is proud of me, that he tells my mom and my Aunt V. these things all the time. How come everyone knows it but me? Just once, I'd like to hear a 'good work, kiddo' or a 'way to go, pal' about anything, anything at all.
I see people who were raised in households full of praise and they are completely different from me. Motivated, energetic, accepting of their mistakes, well-adjusted. Even J. didn't realize how good he had it until he met me and my dad. Be grateful for parents that praise your accomplisments, people. It's a little thing, but it makes more of a difference than you'll ever know.
The only person that's ever been remotely supportive about my academic career is J. It's weird. You can actually see my grades plummet before I met him (back when I was being stalked by my ex, Dan) and then a dramatic rise after J. and I moved in together and I started studying with him at home. J.'s an extremely smart character and can grasp just about anything I bring home. However, he knows me and knows what it takes to get through to me and help me learn. It's made a huge difference and I respect him more for it every time I see a positive test grade.
I don't know... I guess maybe I just wish life made more sense to me sometimes. Maybe I am just hoping that someday everything will make more sense and it won't bother me as much when I can't have the life I imagined or especially when I can't please the unpleasable.
Ahhhh... there, now... All done. You like? Mi piace tutti la lucci! (All the lights please me! ;-) Indeed!
Sidenote: Thanks to everyone that has been sending me comments and emails about this situation with my sister. I haven't heard any new developments (mostly because I've been trying hard to avoid it all and focus on my upcoming finals right now) but I do greatly appreciate the support from everyone and the well wishes for my family. It makes a difference. I'll be replying to emails as soon as I can. It's just been a hectic few days and I haven't had much time to sit down and do anything remotely fun. *sigh* When's my last final? It seems like years away... Let's hope the next week goes by fast. :-)
Sorry everyone.. Things are going to look a little wonky here for a bit while I try to figure out how to do what I want to do with the layout here... and walk the dog... and have dinner... and do some studying.... Well, you get the idea. ;-)
Holy crap! Holy crap! Holy craaaaaaaaap!!!!!!!!!
Remember that f*%&ing nightmare paper I spent all day working on last wednesday? The big-ass horrible thing that required 8-10 pages of biopsychology and brain chemistry and research analysis? The one that I basically half-assed and couldn't comprehend and turned in with only 6 pages and not much resarch analysis at all and was sure I half-flunked? Yeah, that one. Well, we got them back today. Guess what?
I got 42 out of 50!!!!!! That's 84%!!!!! That's a freakin B!!!!!!!! Shit, yeah!!!
I am on such a freakin' cloud right now... hooty hoo! hooty hoo! hooty hoo! :-D
Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.
I hate when I get all excited because I have a great idea for a nice holiday season layout and then everything goes to shit because I can't figure out the freakin' code. And then the forums don't help either. Crap.
So how do I make an image my background? Why is this so difficult to do with CSS? Ergh!
Just found out that my 16-year-old sister is pregnant. I swear, I think I'm the only virgin left in this world sometimes. I love eastern Kentucky, but my god.. I've seen this so many times. My senior year of high school, they had to have special desks shipped in for all the pregnant girls. No joke. That fucking town. We've often joked that it's got to be something in the water. Unexpected pregnancy and never using contraception is a goddamned plague down there.
My father's first grandchild is going to come from his 16-year-old daughter. He is floored and I could hear the disappointment in his voice and then that resigned acceptance... especially considering everything that we've told her about not getting pregnant so young. I know that we will be okay eventually and that we will respect whatever decision she makes, but I'd be lying if I said this didn't absolutely make me want to smack the shit out of her. Son of a bitch. I cannot believe this. I can't even explain how I feel about this right now... so I'm not going to try.
Update:
And you know what else? Theresa was fucking right. I just didn't think it would be my 16-year-old sister. She doesn't even have her driver's license yet and she still has her damn braces. What the fuck?
Someday when I am older, I will miss days like these. Going to bed at 2am and sleeping until noon, curled around each other on a Saturday morning without a care in the world but making sure the animals are fed and the rent is paid. Knowing that all of that turmoil I was constantly putting myself through was just the nerves and anxious thoughts that accompanied my twenties and that everything really was going to be okay the minute I learned to just relax. Knowing that regardless of what I may have thought at the time, I really was beautiful and that I should've been more accepting of compliments when they came. Knowing that as hard as life was then, it was actually so much nicer and so much easier than I realized.
I only hope that I will look back and smile to myself quietly... because I became a fully whole woman in spite of everything and I realized that my life was worth every confused, angry, anguished moment and that I wouldn't trade a thing. I want to look back and say that the ghosts didn't win, say that I did eventually become a little nicer, that I did decide to let love in, that I finally learned to give it back in return before losing all those that I had loved, to say that I stopped being scared of exposing my heart, to say that I didn't go to the grave wondering, to say that when I finally stopped and dropped all of my armor, he was still there with me and all my struggling was vindicated because our love was still very much alive and we had come out stronger and more connected than ever.
Someday when I get older.... I want to know that I achieved my dreams simply because I had never stopped dreaming. And that that gave me the courage and conviction to pursue them without fail.
Someday...
I've spent the past two days typing papers non-stop. Today's my day off and you know what I'm doing? Sitting here. Typing. Sometimes I am a supreme idiot. Then again, maybe I'm just a supreme masochist. Send me all your ten-page papers, your spellchecking, your endless mouse clicks.. give it all to me. I like the pain. I thrive on it. My wrists, my fingers.. they just can't get enough.
*sigh* 8:30am. I totally thought I would be sleeping in this morning, yet I've been up since 7am. Part of it was the exhaustion of yesterday and my body being unable to relax afterward, part of it was the fact that I went to bed at 11:30 pm last night -- a miracle by itself. I think that's the earliest I've gone to bed since I was a teenager. But the real reason I'm up this early? Raven. One of her favorite hobbies is to sneak into prohibited places throughout the house. Yesterday, I found her hiding in the bathroom after being trapped in there for over an hour and today, I had to retrieve her from the attic after she wrestled the door open and made a mad dash up the stairs at 7am. One of us is now sleeping peacefully and guess what? It ain't me. Now, my cats are one of my greatest loves, but sometimes they just absolutely piss me off. See? They are like children.
School has seriously been kicking my ass lately. There's a whole other week before finals start and I'm already burned out. I just hope I'm fully recuperated in time for Research Methods next semester. It's been over a year since I had statistics and I'm terrified that I've either forgotten everything or forgotten how to do it all correctly.
And I love learning Italian, but this class is insane. For a simple 101 class, there is a shitload of paperwork that we have to turn in every week and it gets a little annoying. Even J. -- who took Russian in college, much harder than Italian if you ask me -- agrees that the amount of crap she requires us to know is a little ridiculous. If I can make it through Italian II next semester, I'll be overjoyed. I'm glad I took it though. I was going to just take Spanish so I could get an easy credit and learn an easier language that I already had experience with, but I'd always wanted to know how to speak Italian so that's what I chose. I'm glad I did. When I speak it, I sound way cooler than I ever could've in Spanish. ;-)
Healthwise, the past few days have been a huge drain on my system. The fatigue is understandable, but yesterday the dizziness returned. I know it's from some weird fluid imbalance in my ear, but it's still annoying as shit. Even right now it's starting up again. Yesterday I took some Sudafed for it (something all the nurses tell me to do) and it worked for a while, but I really hate that stuff. I didn't want to be dizzy when I was standing up doing my presentation in Art History, but the way that stuff makes me feel isn't much better. I hate walking around with my heart racing and out of breath, feeling like I'm on crack. Bleh.
I'm sorry this entry is so boring... geez. I guess I'm just a little burned out and exhausted. My body's dehydrated despite all the water I've been drinking and I've not been sleeping well at all. My brain is so cluttered with to-do lists that I am actually having dreams about making appointments and then trying to get to fun events but being bogged down by a large, heavy bookbag on my back and not being able to make it. Ironic how the brain still uses symbolism in the most obvious of dreams.
*sigh* I think I'm finally getting tired and the dizziness is getting pretty bad right now... so maybe I'll try to get back to sleep. Hope everyone has a great Thursday. :-)
Hell Day is done. All three papers are officially done, typed and turned in. Presentation is completed. Dinner has been consumed and eyes are slowly forcing themselves shut.
Thanks for all of your support guys... It helped.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to bed. And I don't plan on waking up until Friday... maybe.
Ten page paper due by 5:00. What in the fuck are you doing on the internet?
There. Now I have a nice little reminder for myself if I should decide to sneak back here during the day today.
Must type paper. Must type paper. Must type paper. Must type paper. Must type paper. Must type paper. Must type paper. Must type paper. Must type paper.
Dammit. This isn't working.
Must click X in top right corner. Must click X in top right corner. Must click X in top right corner. Must click X in top right corner. Must click X in top right corner.
Can't... do... it.... too.... hard....
AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I hate writer's block! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!
I hate having to write a ten-page paper that compares three other papers. I hate staring at a blank white screen and coming up blank about what in the hell I'm supposed to be writing. And I really hate having to write about scientific research studies. The data alone makes my head hurt. Yeah, Research Methods should be great fun for me next semester.
Alright. Enough bitching. I've skipped my Italian class already, I've slept an extra three hours than normal so that I wouldn't run out of steam midday and I'll probably be too full of nerves to eat any real food today. I might as well make all this shit worthwhile and get this stupid thing out of the way. I want to sleep tonight and I don't want to have anymore damn dreams about this paper. I want to enjoy sleeping in tomorrow and I want to get this freakin' week over with already. At some point this day will end and I want it to end well.
Okay. Bring it on. Let's kick this bitch's ass.
The new forecasts are up. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I've been studying astrology for practically my entire life and Susan Miller is still the best damn astrologer on the planet.
3:30 am.
Five page art history paper done.
Works cited page painfully completed.
(How many damn editors are needed to edit a book anyway? And why in the hell does MS Word constantly think it knows better than you?)
Sweats are stuck to my ass.
Hair is a wonderful shade of nasty.
I've drank enough water to cause some serious sleep interruptions.
Neck is all nice and stiff.
Fingers and wrists are good and sore.
Eyes have been steadily burning for hours.
Time to brush the teeth and finally head for bed.
Think maybe I'll get a good amount of sleep before having to get up and write my ten page biopsych paper?
Yeah... me neither.
It's not even finals yet.
Suck. Suck. Suck.
Wah. Wah. Wah.
Boo. Hoo. Hoo
Wubba. Wubba. Wubba.
Yep.. when you start quoting Downtown Julie Brown, you know it's time for bed... or medication. Nite-nite.
Just a quick note:
We may be losing our internet access any day now. It's mostly due to financial reasons, but I'm not really worried about it. I can go to the library to blog or do anything else internet-related if I need to. If all goes well, we'll be able to have it turned back on by mid-January. As long as we have transportation, food to eat and warm shelter with heat and electricity, I really don't care what happens to everything else right now.
However, if this does happen, I will not be able to check any email at this address. If you need/want to send me any email for any reason for the next month or two, please use this address instead. Cool?
Guess that's all of my posting for now. I probably won't be posting positives until freakin' Thursday. Seeing as how I have a 10-page biopsych paper, a 5-page art history paper and a ten minute slide presentation all due on Wednesday, well... let's just say I'll be very busy and stressed for the next 48 hours. It's all good though. The quicker I get this shit out of the way, the closer I am to finals and then a much-needed Christmas break, baby! Hell yeah! Wish me some good academic luck this week.. I'll certainly need it! :-)