Burlap Soul

I saw this at Rasee's and just about died. I can say yes to almost every. single. one. Too damn scary.

Come on now! See if you're a total child of the 80s with me!

I often wonder about who's stopping by my little place here and why it seems that I have so many lurkers that visit daily, but never say a word. So, in honor of International Blog Comment Week, I invite you to say hello. Don't be shy. Just do it already.. I promise not to bite.

Even if it's just a smiley, it's good enough for me. :-)

It's a strange thing to know that you are finally reaching the end of college. Especially if you are one of those people that has changed your major three times, transferred in/out of three different colleges and taken 2 breaks of a year or more. Yes, I am one of those people. But I'll be damned if I am going to throw tons of money and most of my twenties into college and walk away with nothing to show for it. Therefore, I have registered for Fall semester and I may even decide yet to go ahead and register for classes over the summer, just so I can be done quicker. Either way though, I win.

My advisor has told me that I could actually be done with college by December. It's been so long coming that somehow I am floored and cannot believe there will be a light at the end of this long dark tunnel I've been lost in for nearly the past ten years of my life.

Wait... did you hear that? No? Listen...

There it is! Hear it? It's the first ice cream truck of the year and it's driving past our house!

Welcome back, Spring! :-)

It's a sad thing when a search for single-flavored bags of JellyBellies comes up dry and then that makes you want to scream with tears of frustration in your eyes. (And the option of ordering them online and waiting to have them shipped is now out of the question.) Could all of this madness be the result of a fierce craving for jellybeans? Why no, actually, I hate jelly beans and can't even bear to eat them. It's for my stupid-ass Methods class. Why, oh why do I always pick the experiments that are difficult as hell? Experimental.. correlational... experimental... correlational.. why, yes, I'll take experimental! That'll be the most fun ever! Idiot.

Research Project, anyone? No, really.. it's no problem. This one's on me. Please. Take it. Now.

The stress from school is killing me. I don't how I'm going to do this for another month. I'm already cracking under the pressure and I've broken down and cried three times in the past two days. I can't stand it anymore. I need a fucking break. One assignment right after another with not even a single day off in two weeks. No chances to come up for air and I'm absolutely drowning.

Methods, I can handle. It's the other shit that's driving me nuts. I think there's a special Passive-Aggressive Wing reserved in Hell just for my Italian teacher. And my geography instructor has got to be the dumbest woman on the fucking planet. Oh, the quotes I could give you that come out of this woman's mouth. It floors me that she still has a job. Examples? Oh sure!

See this lovely image that I created today? It's a (very loose) cross-section of the brain that I found over here. See that little part that I've got labeled there? That's our friend, Mr. Hippocampus. He holds all of our memories and then signals to his friend Mr. Amygdala when he feels like throwing something out and punching you in the stomach with it or when he wants to scare you or make you really happy. They're such pranksters!

Remember all those times when you walked into a room and forgot why you went in there in the first place? Yep, that's that zany Mr. Hippocampus! Remember all those times when a memory came out of nowhere and you wanted to throw up because it hurt so bad? Well, you can blame that on that silly old Mr. Amygdala! Those two have so much fun together, they should be outlawed!

Tomorrow is World Food Day in my geography class. Everyone has to bring a dish that is unique to a certain culture or country and share it with everyone. Though I looked up a hundred different recipes that seemed really cool and full of unique ingredients, it really all came down to 'yes, but what can we afford to make?'

So, after realizing we had nearly all of the necessary ingredients, I'm making my first ever Kosher (or Jewish) food: Challah Bread.

This could be interesting. I've braided lots of hair. I can't say that I've ever braided dough. You know there will be a photo of it here later (whether I succeed or not).
So far, the most interesting thing is that when I tried to use the electric mixer, the damn thing nearly broke and died from the thickness of the dough. I used my hands instead and we made up a new name for this wicked-thick stuff: Kak (meaning "Kosher Gak").. yes, it feels as thick as that Nickelodeon stuff, only with a better smell and not so slimy and not brightly colored.... Oh hell, nevermind. It's not like Gak at all really. It was just another excuse for us to make up a funny word.

I also have to admit that I loved being able to finally use that rolling pin in our utensil drawer. It had me all Tom & Jerry'd out, standing in the kitchen pretending I was in big black heels and yelling "Taw-mus!" in my best sassy-southern accent while beating mischievous cats over the head with rolling pins, making them see swirling circles of stars and birdies.

Okay, well maybe everything except that 'beating cats' part anyway. The rest of it though? Totally true.

I'm kind of in the middle of a meltdown today. Never in my life have I been so stressed about so many things all at once. I've never been in such a place before. Screaming at people that you love on the phone, snapping at anyone that looks at you wrong, doing things that are totally out of character for you.. I'm desperately hoping this isn't a result of my thyroid medication, because I'm finally starting to get better and I don't want to have to change that. But, when you start screaming and crying at the top of your lungs to someone that you care for deeply, start telling him that you "hope I die in a car accident today just so that you can feel the pain I feel right now, so that you will know what it's like to be without me..."

Well, when that shit happens, I'd say that's a serious problem, yes? I don't know what in the hell is wrong with me. I've Googled my ass off about side effects of synthroid and I've yet to find anything dealing with wild-ass mood swings and shortness of temper. Then again, there are so many things going wrong for us lately that I couldn't honestly tell you if it was medication or just massive amounts of stress. Truthfully though? I've never been this stressed out about school before. Never. And I've had classes that were way more intense than these. I've walked around all day, talking to professors and taking care of details, entirely with my hands shaking and tears just below the surface, ready to burst. The actress in me hides it well, but I know that at some point I'm just going to collapse.

It upsets me that practically everyone (or so it seems) will be graduating this May and still, I am not. I am extremely happy for these friends of mine because they've had the same struggles that I've had, but really.. All I can seem to focus on is the fact that if I had not transferred, had not spent that wasted 1.5 years at UCincy, I would be ordering my cap and gown right now and I could finally be done. Instead, as usual, I have taken the longest road possible and it's slowly killing me. I know I'll be done in December, but at this point, I'm wondering if I can even make it through to Finals without seriously injuring myself or someone else in a fit of black rage.
I can't control myself lately and it's scaring the shit out of me. It's just.. I'm just scared absolutely shitless.. and I don't know how to stop this Madness Train without sacrificing myself to its tracks.

I don't know what I want. Validation? Compassion? Transition? Completion? Information? Fruition? Who the hell knows? All I know is that whatever it is that I need, I need it right. now. I've never been good with groping my way through the dark and now it seems that even on the brightest of days, that's still all there is: pure absolute dark. I'm just so damn sick of this constant drowning spiral. Either spit me back out or flush me down the damn drain already. I can't take the nausea anymore.

It's one of those songs that I've heard a hundred times and just rocked out to because it had a good beat. Today, while sitting in my car in the midst of a massive crying meltdown, it came on the radio. It's nearly 70 degrees outside today and somehow, while watching birds and insects fly around me and feast on new flowers filled with new pollen... I finally heard this song, listened to its lyrics and found a new appreciation for it. Now, while my anxiety is far from gone, it's at least a little easier to bear. Thank goodness for music and all of its healing powers. I'd be lost without it.

Oh. My. God. Cutest. Dog. EVER.

I cannot resist his powers. I am a complete sucker and those eyes get me every freakin' time.

My name is Staz and I have a hound dog addiction. Please help me.

I need to take my brain off of all of these maddening school projects and my current health (long story for a later day). So naturally, what do I do? A meme about books.. you know, the ones I've read for school. A walking conundrum, I am.

Via Jess... (bold the ones you have in common with me):

Making changes here.... bear with me.

Update: Okay, guys.. this is all you get from me. I may decide to fix it later but right now, my temper is just too short to deal with this stuff. I need a break.

Ahhh.. there now. All finished. If the font is too small for you to read, just let me know ok? I have to say though, I kind of like the tiny letters. They're much more "aesthetically pleasing." ;-)

You know the drill... look around, tell me if anything's screwy. Enjoy!

I'm in one of those situations right now where I have so many things going on that I couldn't even begin to tell you what's going on. Capite?

So since I can't be very coherent right now, how about a poem that explains it all a little better? .... Maybe. Eh, it's all the words I've got tonight. It'll have to do.

Dear Migraine,

Thanks for ruining my Friday night plans and pissing me off. Oh.. and Fuck You, too.

Sincerely,

Staz

Feeling much better now... though I'm lonely. J. has to work an entire Saturday, which sucks royally.
So, in an effort to entertain myself, a very cool music survey (stolen from Nikki's about page).... Yes, I get a little wordy when I'm doing surveys, but that's only because I know you like it so much. :-P

This is quite possibly the creepiest thing I've done in a long time. Yet somehow, it's still strangely addictive.
Careful though... when he walks towards you and shows you those freaky eyes, that's pure nightmare material. Seriously. Don't say I didn't warn you.

And whatever you do, don't piss him off. ::shudder::

People say society is still so far behind
I have to say that this just blows my mind
For only in this particular day and age
Could my dog have her very own webpage

Yes, Gypsy can now be found on Dogster.

Enjoy. :-)

P.S. She's lonely and she needs some friends. So go tell your dawgs, yo. *

Okay, guys.. this is where it gets tough. This is where I disconnect with the outside world and plunge into the depths of finals/academic mania. The next two weeks are going to be pure hell and I may not be around much, but I know I could certainly use all the damn help and good vibes I can get right now. It'll be hard enough for me to get through the schoolwork alone, much less with passing grades. I've been in college a long time and this has quite possibly been the most stressful and difficult semester of my life. The home stretch certainly doesn't look any easier either.