Burlap Soul

Because I have procrastinated myself into oblivion today (especially concerning my Research Project), I am going to make a little academic to-do list here in order to remind myself to quit-my-fucking-procrasting-and-get-off-the-fucking-blog-and-do-some-fucking-work-ya-lazy-bastard! There, that should do it.

Crossing things off lists seems to give me a small charge, so I'll be coming back here to cross things off periodically. Just consider this an effort to light a massive fire under my ass:

Sleep. Hmmm.. When do I get to cross that off the list? I'm exhausted.

The past few days I've just been resting and doing 'fun' stuff, trying to take my mind off of all the massive studying so that I can come back fresh and study over the weekend. Also, I've been reading travel guides voraciously because at some point this summer, I am taking a damn vacation and I don't give a shit how broke we could be. We are going somewhere, dammit. So tonight we went out to dinner for an awesomely spicy burrito from Chipotle and then went next door for a quick excursion through Half Price Books. I cannot tell you how awesome their clearance racks are. If you have one of these stores in your area, seriously, go check it out. Travel guides to anywhere in the world for a dollar! Major hardback books, records (yes, records), cds, video games, stationery, anything in the world you could want often for less than ten bucks! This place is heaven for us so we go whenever we can.

Tonight there were the usual travel guide purchases along with some new and interesting stuff:

-- Frommer's Guides to Italy, Jamaica, Boston and New Orleans.
-- A gigantic and massively mind-blowing book of mazes like you've never seen. (I'm a huge lover of mazes, but I'm thinking I might be in over my head here... either way, it still rocked trying to figure them out. I still get such a huge kick out of mazes!)
-- Then, finally, a three dollar purchase of a hardback book that's been on my wishlist for a long time now... Hilda Hutcherson's What Your Mother Never Told You About S-E-X.

So which one should I start first?

Okay guys... my last final (in Italian!!!) is in 45 minutes. I'm leaving for my final in 5 minutes. Please, send me the best luck and good vibes in all the world, ok? I need every one of them!!

And just for studying purposes, because I'm in the zone right now, I'll repeat the above in Italian:

Okay ognuno, mia finale (in Italiano!!) e' in quarantacinque minuti. Uscito per mia finale in cinque minuti. Per favore, metti buona senti e buona vibes in tutti le mondo, ok? Ho bisogno i tutti se'!

*sigh* Here we go... (Andiamo....) Arrivaderci!

I had a whole entry here. I accidentally hit the back button and lost it. I'm taking that as a sign. Apparently, my self-pity and me are alone for the evening.. or the universe just doesn't want to hear it.

But I won't deny that it hurts to feel second best. That it hurts to know that you will never be treated like a queen with grandiose gestures and wild surprises straight from the passion of someone's heart. That logic, money, consequences, and time will always win out over whatever else you had in mind. That that book you bought will keep sitting on the shelf, regardless of how many pages you've so loudly bookmarked within it. That no matter what you wanted or wished for, all you've really got is people that love you for your practicality and that they will never see how impractical you really always wanted to be. They will never see your dreamer's heart and want to make it shine even brighter.

Please, don't tell me I'm not worthy of grand entrances, don't tell me that I'm not worthy of all the things I wanted for myself... just whatever you do, whatever you believe, put on that charade if only for a little while, if only for a day. Treat me like I am your holy grail, your reward for a thankless journey, the queen of your love. Fight for me, insisting to everyone that only the best will do. Throw aside costs and logic. Tell them that you don't care about the semantics, that nothing is too much, that these things don't matter because "she is worth it." Tell them anything... I don't care. Do what you have to do.

Just please, help me believe that I am anything more than mundane. That's how you will win a lifetime of my love.

You know what really pisses me off?

This.

You know what makes me really happy?

This.

Now it's time for J. and I to relax, veg out in our pj's, and enjoy a big yummy pizza (and cheesy garlic bread!) ... and then we're finally going to get to see the original Shrek. Hope your Saturday is just as lovely! :-)

Well, thanks to ABC last night, I do believe J. and I are officially addicted to Harry Potter.

Dammit!! I can't afford any more addictions right now, people! Curses!

I've spent the vast majority of my week rearranging my schedule for fall and now, summer. Yes, I will be going to school this summer. Two classes five days a week from 9:30am to noon. Granted, I'm not necessarily a morning person and don't necessarily want to be either. However, it's only for a month and then I will have two more necessary evils classes out of the way. The reasoning of getting these core courses/electives fulfilled sooner is so that I can finally be finished and done with that place before I go mentally insane.

It's all part of this chaos that I've called "college" for the past eight years. Yes, I've been in school pursuing a bachelor's degree for the past 8 years of my life. (Three change-of-majors and 2 year-long hiatuses.. I'm not good at math per se, but I do believe that is 8 years of college.) I do know that I have been pursuing a degree and enrolled in some type of university constantly since I was 18 years old.
I used to be ashamed to admit that to people, but now I'm realizing that no matter what happens in my college career, I will be the one living with my decisions and no one else.
So for all of those people that like to laugh constantly at my expense and call me a 'professional student,' (my father and a vast majority of my family, for instance), well, you know what?
If you think you can do a better job, if you think you can do an entire Research Project on your own and write up a 20 page APA style report, pass statistics, sit through one mindless general requirement class after another and write yet another bullshit paper on yet another inane topic every week continually (with no support from any of your family I might add)... well, if you think you can do all that continually for 8 years, then hey, go for it. Think you can do a better job? Then here are my shoes. Please, do step into them and take over for me, would you?

Otherwise? Shut your fucking piehole and let me get on with my work.

This may seem so easy to you, such comic relief for someone that has never even tried college, (but so readily bitches about how I'm fucking it up). But you know what? I'd take my hard-earned 'C' in Italian II over your lassez-faire 'A' in high school math any day. At least I know that I learned something.. about life, about discipline, about homework, about my own personal abilities and limits. You? Well, I can't guarantee you've learned a damned thing at all.

Alright. This place needs a new look and I'm stuck. Give me a cool theme.. something spicy and hot, like summer (but no chili peppers, please, ok?). A wild color scheme (kind of like the one I did over at the photoblog that I'm still insanely proud of. Big dork? Yep, that's me!) Anything, people. I've got a creative block here. Hints though: I hate dark green. But I loooove wild colors.
Come on.. give me something. You know you wanna.

Hey, it's either this or I go ahead with my homage to Cincinnati Cicada Invasion '04'. Complete with big magnified red eyes and ugly wings.

Don't say I didn't warn you. Better get hoppin'. Heh, heh.

Hi! It's late! I'm bored! I can't sleep! Let's do memes! Woohoo!

I've been on this site for two hours. Every one of the following links/questions/memes comes from something I've found there.

Just another meme that I thought deserved it's own entry. Of course, if you don't have six animals, you might not need this much space. ;-)
(click on the names to see a photo of the animal in question)

If you have children (or even pets), how did you choose their name(s)?

We're currently in the middle of that painful 'two-days-before-payday' stretch. Since I've been done with school, I haven't really gone anywhere in an effort to save gas. So today when I emailed J. and told him that I might go to a nearby bookstore and browse for a while just to get out of the house, he responded with this email:

I left you a 5 spot to use as you see fit.... I know, I spoil you rotten.

It literally made me laugh so hard I spit water out of my mouth. And I don't mean that in an annoying cliche internet "omg-there's-chocolate-milk-all-over-my-keyboard!" way. No, I almost choked.. really.

Some couples have that deep spiritual bond or a million things in common that keep their fires burning. Us? Nah... that'd be too simple. Our combined sarcasm will keep us together forever.

Love you, schnookie-bear. Pbbbbt!

-- Classes are done!!
-- I'm sleeping again!!
-- I passed Italian!!!!!
-- and I kind of passed Methods after all!!!! (it's a long weird story.. but yes.)
-- The satisfying crunch of cicadas under my shoe
-- J. getting me tickets to see Over The Rhine as an early birthday present and...
-- it's at a theater that's only 10 minutes from our house!! :-)
-- After nearly a month on the wrong medication, I'm finally starting to even out by being on Synthroid (not the generic) because..
-- I have an awesome doctor that was genuinely worried about me and wanted to fix the problem
-- My Rx doesn't cost much ($20) even without insurance
-- Blood-red toenails.. ahhhh summer, welcome back.
-- Saying 'fuck it' to responsibilities for a day and instead...
-- having a day at the lake with J. and Gypsy
-- We got Gypsy to swim in the water!! A beagle!! In the water!!
-- payday weekends = Panera for lunch and new cheap paperbacks for me
-- Sitting at the grocery store, eating Taco Bell with J. in the car and discussing "the legacy of food within families"
-- Deep discussions while sitting on the new couches in the mall furniture store (as always)
-- Tears in the car that lead to new understandings
-- J. looking at me with newfound sympathy, wiping my tears and saying, "All you had to say was 'I want the myth.' Now I understand."
-- Tackling my silly newfound fear of escalators (stupid Dateline specials, anyway..)
-- J. and I, wiggling our toes in unison and finding it so damn funny
-- Sitting on the park bench outside B&N, discussing nuts and..
-- feeling butterflies again while having yet another 'first kiss'
-- A night at home with candles and two full hours of foreplay ;-)
-- Did I mention that I passed Italian?
-- Passing the lecture part of Methods.. against ALL odds. Hee heeee!! and...
-- that means I may not have to redo an entire research project after all :-)
-- Funny moments with my mom as always
-- A/C in both my home and my car
-- The humidity isn't killing us.. yet.
-- Half of the office floor is painted finally (hey, it's a start)
-- Finding some nice duplexes/houses for rent in KY
-- The possibility of financial aid money coming and...
-- knowing that that aid will help us move and get us on our feet
-- My mom finding a new job after getting screwed by her old one and...
-- it's better pay than she's ever made in her life
-- The possibility of seeing internet friends sometime this summer :-)
-- The way that weekends with J. just aren't as lonely
-- Saturdays
-- Our new kick-ass keyboard, complete with copy/paste/back/forward/volume control buttons and a scrollbar (yay! less clicking!)
-- Learning that letting go of the hectic school mindframe doesn't mean stopping completely, but that it does mean I can let myself relax
-- Finally having the time to send cards to friends I haven't written in ages
-- Cautiously ecstatic about being able to finish by December (cross your fingers!!)
-- Discovering new local eateries that don't cost too much (McAlister's! Yum!)
-- Laughing with J. over the way my mom says "wiener."
-- The way Guinness chases the cursor as I type up my Positives
-- My digital camera
-- My blog
-- Being able to renew my domain name for another year and...
-- still liking it because it suits me perfectly
-- J. sitting in the floor with me, demanding eye contact when I am a basketcase
-- J. saying, “Just because you make me angry does not mean you are a bad person. No one is going to hurt you anymore. No one is going to punish you or lay a hand on you anymore. No one is going to leave you alone anymore as long as I’m here. Even when I am angry, I still love you.”
-- Breaking new ground in the depths of my shattered psyche
-- Having someone that helps me to find the stray pieces
-- New Garfield coloring books from my mom (now I just need some jumbo-sized orange crayons…)
-- Not needing to use the Memory Blog so much lately and..
-- discovering new directions for it that may help things along there
-- Sticking with my no-beef/no-pork rule since New Year’s, no matter how hard it may be at times :-)
-- J. being so respectful about it and improvising meatless dishes for dinner
-- The possibility of doing a co-op next spring and finally getting out into the working world
-- The possibility of being able to take intermediate yoga or beginning karate for credit in the fall! (hmmm, which one?)
-- A fridge full of food, water and fresh produce for veggie lasagna...
-- but I also have cookie dough in a tube... mmmmmm, cookie dough
-- I have clean water to drink
-- I have the ability to keep cool in the summer
-- I have kitties that love me and a dog that cracks me up everyday
-- I have family and friends that call often and love me
-- I have the love of a genuine kind-hearted man that can’t wait to call me his wife someday
-- I am learning to worry less about ‘what might happen’ and get excited about ‘what’s happening right now’
-- I am learning that anger doesn’t make me a bad person
-- I am learning that giving up control could actually make me better
-- I am learning that setbacks are life’s way of telling you to try what’s behind Door Number Three.
-- I am still learning and still loving myself regardless of the lessons
-- I am
-- :-)

For the past month or so, I've watched and read about all this massive Cicada Hype here in Cincinnati and wondered what the in the hell the big deal was. I grew up in a part of the country where 7-year-locusts were the big deal and let me tell you, those fuckers are nastier and meaner than these stupid little cicadas could ever dream of being.

All this time, I've rolled my eyes at the nightly newscasts that act like these cicadas are bringing about the apocalypse. Every night for the past two months, our local news has gone somthing like this:

blahblahblah-War-in-Iraq-blahblahblah-Presidential-Elections-blahblahblah-terrorists-blahblahblah-OHMYGOD!! THE CICADAS!! HAVE THEY ARRIVED YET?? OH MY GOD!! HIDE YOUR CHILDREN!! THE FUCKING CICADAS ARE COMING!! AAAAAHHHHHHH!! - blahblahblah-columbus-sniper-blahblahblah-and-now-here's-the-weather-IT'S GOING TO RAIN?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S GOING TO RAIN?? RAIN BRINGS CICADAS! OH MY GOD! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!! -- now-time-for-sports-blahblahblah-good night - BUT WATCH OUT FOR THOSE CICADAS! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HIDE YOUR CHILDREN! THE FUCKING CICADAS ARE COMING! (oh, but please don't panic and go out and buy a "I-survived-the-Cicadas-'04'" t-shirt from us, ok? G'Night!-CICADAS!!)

Now I understand that these cicadas are a big biological and environmental deal. I understand that it's kind of a cool thing that we get to see this weird mating ritual that takes place once every 15-17 years. I understand that the locals have distinctive childhood memories of these bugs. I however am not a local. I've lived in Cincinnati for roughly 8-10 years, off and on. I have never understood the big damn deal about these fucking bugs.

Just so you know, I'm now on MSN Messenger as well as Yahoo Messenger. (no AOL because I got sick of it a long time ago and killed it).

Same username for both: crowluvsservo

Add me to your lists! I need some buddies! ;-)

Financial aid, filling out forms, constantly being denied aid, then accepted for aid, then denied again, then told that you have aid when you really don't, no matter how much you've changed your life around and agreed to things you really can't do now that you don't have that money you were promised two weeks ago, then filling out yet more forms, knowing damn well it will get you nowhere because the people in the financial aid office are fucking morons that care about nothing but getting you the hell out of their office as fast as possible so they can get on with their daily gossip over tuna sandwiches...

Well, it all just fucking sucks. That's all I'm saying.

I'm supposed to be making cds for our trip this weekend. (We're headed to ye olde birthdom of Eastern Kentucky, a.k.a. my hometown.) I'm discovering that staying up until 6am and sleeping until noon is really bad for my motivation level. I had all these things I was going to do once the madness of school stopped and now.. well, I can't remember a single damn one of them.
I know I wanted to become more active and start losing some weight, tone myself up some. (I want buff arms, dammit!) But now? Hell, I'm lucky if I change out of my pajamas during the day. Was my body just that exhausted all semester? Or is my brain just going soft?

I'd really love to take my bike out, but seeing as how you can't walk to your car without being swarmed and bombarded by littleuglyfuckers cicadas, every simple outdoor activity becomes a huge pain in the ass. Dammit.

Oooh.. maybe I'll take my bike with me this weekend. Ride it around the park downtown. There's a thought.

[pause for consideration]

Eh.. too much work. God, I'm lazy. What the hell happened?

Hope your weekend has some kick to it. If not, call me. We'll be sloths together.

Sometimes when I come home, I go away feeling rejuvenated.
Then sometimes, like this weekend, I just feel miserable and burned out and I want to go home... and I don't mean Eastern Kentucky. I love my home state, but my god, sometimes I just want to smack all the fucking people in it.

I swear, I've never felt so burnt out in my life. I'm just fucking exhausted and the only thing I want is a damn vacation. No animals, no responsibilities, no family, no friends, no small-town-narrow-minded chatter, no constant negativity, no phone calls, no computer, no school schedules, no household chores, no people, nothing... just me, J. and some seriously needed downtime sitting by the ocean tuning out the world and listening to our own hearts.

*sigh* If I don't get a break soon, I think I'm going to go crazy... and that's no exaggeration. I need to hear the ocean, I need to taste that salty breeze, I need to have some time with J. and no more damn interruptions. God, I need that so, so, so bad. Every day I just want to cry.