Burlap Soul

It's occurring to me that life moves at its own frenetic pace, regardless of whatever plans you may have made or whatever familiar surroundings you've decided on for yourself.

I used to always say that 'whenever I got my shit straightened out, I would do A, B and C.' I'm realizing now that the time to get my shit straightened out was about 10 years ago and that every day I spend putting off the things I wanted to do is another day I'll live with regret when I am old. Today, I had a vision of myself as the ultra-cool persona that I always seem to be in my daydreams. This time, it was the Harley Chick. I grew up around bikers, choppers and Harleys. I always told myself that one day I would learn to ride one and I would have that same leather independence that all my mom's biker friends had - except I wouldn't be all hot-headed and drunk, nor would I be part of a group. I'd be that cool girl that seems all mild and mysterious on her own and then walks out to the parking lot and gets on a Harley Davidson and drives away. I would make all the boys' jaws drop.

That's the kind of girl I am in my fantasies. Mysterious, flirtatious, independent, collected, subtle, different, beautiful, golden... something out of a movie. It's never me as I truly am. Scattered, hot-headed, two-dimensional, moody, prudish, bossy, mediocre, boring. That's somehow the most insulting adjective of all - the boring. My mission in life has always been uniqueness. I've always said that being different is everything to me. In truth however, I'm starting to wonder if maybe my quest to become the most different girl of all is only to hide how utterly normal I really am.

So I keep wondering.. if I still want to learn to ride a Harley, when the hell am I going to do it? Am I just going to sit here waiting for opportunities to fall in my lap as usual or am I going to try and be that fantasy persona that I love so well? What if just being me somehow isn't enough?

Oh yeah. That's it. That's exactly what's going on.

I'm never enough. Not for myself. Not for anyone. I can sit and blame this on my dad all I want and I could regall you with stories of my childhood and just how demanding he was/is and how hard he was/is on me and how much hasn't/doesn't say he's proud of me. But really, haven't we seen and heard that all before in every damn movie on television?

My question is.. why is being just me never enough? At what point does a person sit down with his/herself and say, "You know all those wild high school fantasies of what you were going to be like when you grew up? Well, that's really just a crock of shit and this is who you are and it's nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, you might actually like this life better.. if you'd just stop daydreaming about what you aren't and give it a chance."

No one ever said that to me. Most importantly, I never said that to me. It's like I've always made this silent agreement to myself that if I couldn't be the best at something, I shouldn't waste my time on it. It's why I quit theatre, it's why I stopped being a photography major, it's why I didn't learn to ride a Harley when I had the chance. To this day, it's what holds me back in everything. I'm a creative person and I have lots of good ideas... yet I may only try about 1/16th of them in my lifetime and even then it will be a half-assed effort. Why? Because I'm too busy with my head in the clouds, imagining that I'm the best in some parallel universe and denying that I'm too afraid of never being enough to even finish what I started in the first place.

It's the reason I'm terrifed of ever having kids. I'm afraid that I'll make mistakes and that I won't be an absolutely stellar parent, so rather than take the risk of fucking up my kids too much, I just tell myself that I don't want any. It's all or nothing with me. I'm a perfectionist to the core.

Two weeks ago, I had some really nice long fingernails for the first time in my life. I was so proud. Then we moved and school started and the authority figures were back in my everyday life again. I started scrambling for words whenever I met my professors. I started doubting myself in the face of authority as I always do. I had too much time to think about how imperfect I was. Currently, I have two fingernails that are bleeding and three of my fingers are painful to the touch from the constant filing and picking. The slightest rough edge, the slightest imperfect curve of a nail and it's sliced, filed and smoothed until it meets my standards. Unfortunately, my standards are perfection and can therefore never be met.

My poor fingernails. How can I ever learn to ride a Harley if I can't put pressure on my fingers? It seems that the more perfect I try to make things, the more damage I do. You'd think that statement would teach me something, but all I'm doing is thinking about how imperfect the phrasing of that sentence is and how I should try to fix it and make it a little more.. perfect.

Our Rhode Island/Boston trip has turned out to be a big bust. Rasee's plans changed at the last minute due to circumstances beyond her control so she couldn't make it. We had our own last-minute financial crises and after discussing it with both Nicole and Kat, we all decided that if we were going to hang out somewhere, we'd like to be able to live it up without constantly worrying about money. So it's been postponed for now. (No worries, Jess. I wasn't leaving you out of the equation or anything. I just didn't want to contact you until we had some cemented plans and that just wasn't happening like I had wanted. But yes, when I do come to New England, you will know it and I intend to come and see you. ;-)

Believe it or not though, I'm not really upset by this at all. Yes, I'm upset by the fact that I won't get to see my friends like I had hoped and that I must wait another year to see Rasee and that I won't get my beach getaway like I had wanted. But in reality? I'd much rather get our debts cleared and have our finances straightened out so that by this time next year, I can be living by the damn ocean instead of just dreaming about it.
I'm totally not kidding about that by the way. I fully intend to move somewhere that is less than an hour's drive from the Atlantic Ocean. As much as I love my home state and where I grew up, I refuse to be landlocked anymore. The sea calms me and gives me room for only the thoughts that are my own... so that's where I need to be.

J. agrees with all of this mostly. His main objective is to go where the jobs are, but he's always said that Home is wherever I am. And as long as there's water, he's happy. With all of my intuitive moodiness, it's a good thing he's so damn patient and flexible.
I can't wait to see where we land.

Because I know you're all dying to see pictures of our new place, I finally got them uploaded and labeled just for your viewing pleasure... complete with my brilliant commentary.
Now calm down and save your energy. There's plenty to go around. See?

Ever have one of those periods where you and your significant other aren't getting along at all and every little goddamn thing just makes you want to throw each other through a plate glass window and you spend the majority of your weekend going back and forth from i-love-you to god-leave-me-the-fuck-alone mentality?

Yeah, I thought so.

But when you do have those weekends where the cute-little-habits become the-1898474-little-things-you-do-that-drive-me-fucking-insane, let me tell you that I have found the cure. I have found the one thing that will make you stop silently muttering to yourself and make you laugh out loud. Yes, even when you're a practiced master of the Silent Treatment (such as myself) and laughing would be your surefire demise and therefore would equal the dreaded 'D' word: Defeat.
Laugh. out. loud. my friends.

Go here.

Come back and thank me later... you know, once you stop grinding your teeth and it's safe to talk again.

Boys and girls, this is why pale, freckled, Irish girls should always, always wear sunscreen - no matter what:

I've always loved September. The cooler weather that gradually makes way for Autumn while still being nice and warm at the same time. When I was a kid, I always wanted my birthday to be in September so that I could have a sapphire as my birthstone instead of the ugly red ruby that I was dealt. I was also probably a little jealous that all the other kids got to celebrate their birthdays with their friends at school and got a 'happy birthday' sang to them by the class. Mine was always in the summer so I didn't get the same spotlight fanfare. Most of the time, no one even remembered it.

But I'm getting off topic.. as usual.

My point is that I did not get a summer and it's really, really bothering me. I feel seasonally jet-lagged. Our summer was so damn chaotic that it feels as though we flew straight through spring and directly into fall and I am so not ready for that change. For the past three weeks, I've been watching students come back all refreshed and ready to begin the school year. I watch as they bump into old friends in the hallway and exclaim, "Hi! Did you have a good summer?" No one has been asking me this question, because I was never gone. I spent my summer taking classes, moving, having nervous breakdowns from this Move From Hell, losing a dog, and surviving one catastrophe after another. I honestly thought we would be able to get away for a while. A weekend by the beach, sitting next to the ocean, a few days smelling saltwater and hearing ocean waves.. my send-off to summer. That was my main goal for the summer and due to circumstances beyond our control, it never happened. Now, there's no way it's still going to happen. Fall beat us. Everywhere we want to go or can afford to go is already starting to get cold and hurricanes abound down south.
I just feel like I got robbed somehow.

Everywhere I look, I can see that the leaves are slowly starting to change and it makes me feel dead inside. Normally, I am the first to tell you that Autumn is my favorite season, the changing leaves, the rainstorms, the wild bursts of color, the cool crisp air mixed with sunshine every day, Halloween.. I love it all. Autumn is usually my time of introspection, my once-a-year season that feels like it was made just for me.

But this year it's different. Every time I see a leaf change, I just want to scream at it, "What are you doing? It's not time yet! I didn't get my summer! You can't change yet! I'm not ready!!!" Then quickly, I'll look away and think about going to the ocean. Today, I almost cried when I finally had to give in and change my August calendar wallpaper to September. Call it silly and ironic, but it's how I feel. It's as though if I don't acknowledge what the leaves are doing, how time is moving, then it's not happening. I may be endlessly unmotivated, but I can tell you that the strength of my will alone could easily move mountains. That's my horribly cruel paradox.

A note to all of the girls in my college classes:

I have no interest in seeing the murky shadowy depths of your ass crack. Pull up your fucking pants please.

Thank you.

-- The Management

There's nothing quite like coming home to sit down in your big comfy office chair so you can spend the rest of the night working on a big PowerPoint presentation due in class the next day and then discovering that your entire office smells like Eau'de Dog Shit and Essence of Dog Vomit because your dog/goat hybrid has decided to eat a very nasty stick and has left the rewards of that experience all over your nice cushy office space.

Shit. It looks like I'll be typing up my presentation while wearing a nose plug and covered in Pepto Bismol all night. Lovely.

I suppose I should sit down and write a real entry at some point, but then again, there's so much crap on tv that I could be watching instead. Ya know? ;-)

Hopefully this weekend I'll get that chance... provided we don't lose our power due to Ivan's massive flooding wrath that's due on Friday. Kentucky, I love you and all, but really.. all of those valleys? Do you really need so many?

In our old house in Cincy, our tv was downstairs in a dark guest room we called The Dungeon (it was also Buddy's room). Now, we have a very nice new 27" tv with our DVD player hooked up to it and sitting in a nice new entertainment center in the middle of our huge living room. Since we changed cable providers when we moved to Kentucky, we are also receiving 2 free months of digital cable and free movie channels as a promotional 'new customer' offer. Therefore, the tv is not only sitting out in the open, but is loaded with almost 300 channels.
I have become a tv whore.
I can get nothing done while the tv is on... and it's always on.

The problem is that even when I decide that there's nothing valuable on that I want to watch, I can just switch over to the 500s and browse through nearly 35 digital music channels. Yes, you read that right. I have nearly 35 channels that just play different types of music 24/7.

I am so screwed.

Forget homework and graduating. What will I do when our free trial of digital cable runs out?
I am a music junkie and I have had too many good 'fixes' to go through rehab right now. If I don't have my daily fix of "Coffeehouse Rock" and "Alternative" and "Reggae" and "Hard Rock" and "Best of the 80s"... what then?
I don't know if I can bear it. No more 300 channels and free movies and digital music? Oh the horror!

Someone... please help me.

My friend Nikki has this wonderful idea and I'm sharing it here with you. Every month, she is sending cards and small gifts to one special child from the Make A Child Smile organization. It's a good deed for some good kids, so go on over and let her know if you want to be involved. You can never have too much good Karma. :-)

Create that line
Walk that walk
Feel my breeze
Talk your talk

I know Autumn is coming and going
I know creation is flowing and flowing
Sometimes I think I could fly in your midst
Sometimes I think I could die in your fists

Words come out of me
oh so strange
I am a soliloquy
Alone on this stage

Rhymes come and stay
Words fall where they may
Leave me where I lay
Then kiss me on a good day

I can't believe I figured this design out all by myself. But I had decided that since Autumn is my favorite season, I might as well do it right. Granted, summer is gone and that really sucks because I didn't truly get a break and I'm still not quite ready for the colder weather... but what are you gonna do? Stopping time has never been one of my strengths.

But you know? This entire year has seemed to fly by for me - one crisis after another after another with no real end in sight. I'm wondering if this whirlwind of craziness that we've had is really just preparing us for an amazing year next year. And truthfully, my entire mindframe is no longer on the change in the seasons lately anyway. I seem to be laying in wait - trying to end the semester quickly so that I can finally be on the home stretch to my degree. Everything in my body is geared up to supercharge me on my way to May. Once that degree is in my hand and we are preparing for living our lives elsewhere, maybe then I will notice Autumn, Winter and Spring again... but only because they followed my summer of freedom.

Enjoy the change in the leaves while it's here my friends. Who knows where you could be when you see them again.

We are headed to see my family in Eastern Kentucky for the weekend, so this is what you get from me. Enjoy your settimana.*
*(I just found all of my Italian books, so I'm trying to brush up again before I forget everything.)

Friday's Feast:

First, a photo meme:
Think of 3 pictures you’d like to see. Things around my house, or whatever… something I can take a picture of easily. Leave a comment or send me an email with your suggestions. Once I have enough requests, I’ll start posting them. If I can’t, or won’t, take a picture of something you’ve requested, I’ll let you know. (Chances are, there is very little that I won't photograph.)

Go for it.

Everyone seems to be doing this next one today.. and now me too! The ones in bold are the ones I've done so far in my life.

I can't help but be utterly pissed about this. What in the hell do animal carcasses have to do with illustrating your point? And what would you say if someone that opposed your point of view decided to throw the bodies of hunters onto your property? Wouldn't be quite so cute then, would it?

You have every right to voice your opinion via protest. But when you desecrate the bodies of animals purely for shock value, you not only stereotype every single person that is part of your group, but you undermine your entire argument.

I'd call you an ignorant jackass, but I wouldn't want to insult a perfectly fine animal.
Stupid fuckers.

I'm still working on some of the photo requests, but I have to say that I'm having way too much fun so far. Keep 'em coming...

In response to Kat's requests:

- Your reflection in something, like a spoon - considering that I hate doing dishes and that every spoon we own is currently dirty, I discovered something else instead (that I enjoyed entirely too much by the way): a doorknob.
Oh, how I pine for a walleye lens.

- The eyes of your animals - here you go.. all five of them:
Raven - Ghost - Guinness1 - Guinness2 - (couldn't decide between those) Jekyll - Gypsy (Buddy is currently living on my mom's farm, so no pictures of him today. sorry.)

Something you treasure: J.

And because it's clearly obvious that I love my reflection in doorknobs so damn much, there's more just as a special bonus for you. Oh go on and click it... you know you've done the same damn thing and you're just waiting for some new funny faces to make creative inspiration.

I'll be posting some of those photo requests either late Thursday night or Friday sometime. It seems that every time I try to sit down and upload some of the shots I've taken, real life gets in the way. What's up with this 'homework' thing anyway? And why in the hell must there be so much of it?

In other news: I filed my official Degree Candidacy papers today. Signed by the head of the psych department, stamped and paid for. This means that my records are flagged and the school starts the auditing process to determine if I will meet the necessary graduation requirements to leave in May.
I'm trying not to get too excited but....
It's starting to feel official.
(eeeeeee!)

Hey! Now this is my kind of quiz!