Burlap Soul

I woke up this morning all excited about having a lounge-day and finally having time to post some of the photo requests I've finished. I slept in late (because I have no classes on Fridays) and woke up all nice and refreshed, no alarm clocks, no phones ringing. Just blissful and much needed slumber to make me feel better.

Then I got out of bed.

My entire lip and chin/cheek area is swollen and red from an infection - from a pimple. I can't talk right and it literally looks like I've been punched in the mouth. Then after walking Gypsy outside for nearly 40 minutes and getting no bowel movements out of her, I came back inside to find that she had already dropped a massive load of shit in the dining room instead. I just didn't smell it until I had come back in from the fresh air. Lovely. It seems that this new organic dog food we've been feeding her not only tastes great and curbs her finicky-ness, but it also scrubs out her colon with a brillo pad every night. I've never seen a 20-pound dog produce so much shit in a single day. Wonderful!

So the photo requests will be coming up later tonight, after I've had time to unwind and process this weird-ass day. In the meantime, do me a big favor and make me feel better by sending me more requests. The more stuff I have to take photos of, the happier I'll be. And you can ask anyone around this house, when momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy, baby.

Ahhhh... here we go. Saturday morning, looks like drizzle might be coming later and everyone is asleep but me. Wow, me being freshly showered by 11:30am on a Saturday? Weird. This new daily schedule of early classes must be taking effect. I don't think I've slept past noon in weeks. Woah.

Okay, so I'm still working on Shelby's photo requests. It's not that I haven't figured out what I wouldn't grab in a fire. It's just that everything I want to photograph is still packed in a box. Hopefully, that one will be all done by the end of the day. I think I may have finally figured out where that last box is.
However, Laura's requests are all finished. Enjoy....

Laura wants to see:

Your favorite pair of shoes! Easy. These babies right here. Ohhh yeah. When it comes to bad-ass boots, I approach fetishism really. *

A corner of your favorite room. I don't know that I have a favorite room here in the new place. It's more about the flow and openness for me. However, a big part of that feel is the awesome living room, so there you have it - messiness and all. We live on the top floor so we have these awesome cathedral ceilings and of course a view of the dumpster. Whereas most people might say, "The dumpster? Ew." I say, "Dibs! I called it!" See? I'm a positive thinker.

Something that never fails to make you smile - The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Every night without fail. That's my kind of man. ;-)

-- Life
-- Love
-- Laughter
-- Lust
-- L'Italianni
-- Learning

But not necessarily in that order ;-)

Nikki's doing a wonderful thing over here. Go ahead, click it. You know you wanna.
Do what you can. Send a letter. Say hi. Provide a link. Whatever. It's free and the rewards are priceless. Go for it.

Sorry for the intense lack of posting around here lately. It seems that when I have time, there are a million other things that take priority over blogging. And to be perfectly honest, I haven't really had much to say. I'm here and reading and checking in every day, but I sometimes have a problem with actually responding or commenting on what I've read. Mostly, I just do that silly thing my dad does when he reads his email and physically nod at the computer screen like a big dork. I guess if I had a webcam, I'd be in business. ;-)

Mostly my days consist of watching tv in order to unwind from the tedium and monotony of classes and homework. Then I'm walking the dog, doing homework, cleaning and trying desperately to unpack all the boxes, and trying to enjoy the scant snippets of time I get with J. (who is writing lots more lately and I love it. Are you reading him by the way?)

I'm still vegetarian. We still live in this nice condo in Northern Kentucky. We still plan on leaving this place in another year and heading closer to the ocean on the east coast somewhere. We still have five cats (though one of them is living on my mom's farm and earning his keep by killing about 3 mice a day, which is good, because my mom's hates mice and Buddy likes to kill things, so it seems to be a nice arrangement). I'm still a music fanatic and an animal lover. I still have an underactive thyroid and probably will for life. I still have problems with having my blood drawn, but I take it a day at a time and cope with gradually increasing doses of Synthroid as best I can. Halloween is still my favorite holiday. We're still broke most of the time due to the crappy job market in Cincy and we still have bad financial weeks like we're having now (where J. had to basically 'call in poor' to his job yesterday because they don't pay him enough to cover gas to and from work for the entire week). I live with chronic pain in my neck and feet, but that's nothing new and I'll manage. Today, I'm nursing a toothache/gum infection from Hell, but I think I'll be okay. We do the best we can and still try to make each other laugh in the process. J. and I will be celebrating 5 years together on New Year's and even though I never would've believed it 3 months ago, we couldn't be happier. I don't know what changed or what exactly took place. I do know part of it was the fact that I stopped listening to the voices in my head.

Yeah, you read that right. I stopped listening to the voices in my head.

I can't tell you exactly how that came to be or that everything's all fixed now. There are still bad days where I talk to myself a lot and argue with people that aren't physically there. There are still times when I want to get defensive and yell and scream because I can still hear my ex-stepmother telling me how horribly I do the dishes and what a worthless piece of shit I am. But you know what? I'm sitting here racking my brain and I honestly can't remember the last time I had a really bad 'voices day.' Also, if I do argue with people, it's a different crowd now. It's no longer the step-parents and abusers of years past. Now, it's professors and people at school that just generally make me feel inadequate, and it never lasts for more than a few days. Most importantly - I've learned to catch myself when it starts and make it stop. Believe me when I tell you that that is huge.

I no longer feel crazy when I have to look around the room and remind myself that no one is physically there. I've learned to be gentle with myself. I look around, see the animals, feel the quiet, understand that I am alone and remind myself of that. I breathe deep, exhale deeper and say to myself, "No defensiveness. No arguing. No explanation. You are you and that is just fine." And then I smile. Because I know it's true.

There is more of a peace around me. I don't know why and to be honest, I'm tired of analyzing these things so much. Moods are moods and phases are phases. I'm trying to make this one permanent and that's the best I can do. So be it. If the anger comes, let it come and let it go. Don't hate yourself for having a temper. It's just something that is... and there's certainly nothing wrong with that. I no longer try to fit myself into a mold that wasn't meant for me or scold myself for what I'm not. I've decided to stop defending myself against those that don't agree with my lifestyle. What the hell difference does it make if assholes are impressed with me? They're still assholes.

It's my life and I can't wait to start living it to its fullest. If you want to come along, that's cool. If not, best of luck and I'll see you around. :-)

So yeah.. that's where I've been lately. How about you?

Yeah, you read that right. They're finally finished and ready for posting.

Shelby wants to see:
The three things you would absolutely, positively take with you when fleeing your house from a fire. And "animals" only count as one.

Very well, Shelby. I see your challenge and I raise you one. Let's assume that J. and the animals are all out safely and it's only my possessions that are in peril. Then what do I grab?

Initially, this was easy... then it got hard. So I've broken your rules and decided on 5 things instead. (Trust me, I've already given this situation entirely too much thought in my life and I've learned that I would not only be speedy, but resourceful as well. ;-) Here goes:
1. The cameras. No doubt.
2. All of the photos.
3. This. It's an antique handbag that my mom has had since I was a child. She recently gave it to me and I still love it to pieces. I'm not sure how old it is, nor do I care. It has a magic about it that I still feel when I run my fingers over it's smooth silver surface.
4. My lifelong (and very valuable) Garfield collection. (Oh, there's way more where that came from, but alas, it's all in storage at the moment.)
5. The Book of Love. It's a scrapbook I made for J.'s birthday one year and it chronicles our entire relationship from the first date to present day. J. still loves reading it and I love to watch him reading it, so there you go. :-)

Nikki wants to see: an 80s side ponytail hairdo.
Well, as you know, I don't post photos of myself here in order to retain my anonymity. However, you can see this request fulfilled over at the photolog. Like, totally.

They say these things always come in threes, but you never expect it to be the ones it turns out to be.

First, Janet Leigh - a woman that I admired endlessly because of her work with Hitchcock and those awesome scenes with Anthony Perkins in Psycho.

Then, the master, Rodney Dangerfield. What more can you say about that?

And today, one of my childhood heroes and a person I always thought was a brilliant actor - Christopher Reeve.

I'm noticing a trend in the recent waves of celebrity deaths over the past year. They're getting closer to my age. Today, it's the stars that were in their prime during the 60s and 70s. Next, it will be the 80s and that makes me anxious. It's one thing to be forced to look at your own mortality, but it's another altogether to feel that mortality is catching up to you. I just can't help but feel that soon, it will be our generation that is losing its legends and it makes me a little sick and a little sad at the same time.

Grrrrr.... I hate Macs!! I'm at school right now and after trying to complete a relatively easy assignment, I've finally learned that nothing is as easy as it seems on a damn Mac. So those of you with Macs, is the background to my blog black or white? Because it's supposed to be black and it's not on this computer. Grrr...

Can you tell it's midterm week? I'm in desperate need of some good sleep. I seem to be getting zilch lately. No matter when I go to bed (at midnight! that's a miracle for me!) I wake up tired and disoriented and confused as hell. My dreams have always been so vivid that I can't even get any rest when I sleep at night. I just wake up feeling as though I've been caught in a whirlwind of zany-ass activity all night, emotionally spent and exhausted. So when does my subconscious rest? I need the brain break. Pleeeease.

For most of my life, I've felt incredibly inadequate and horribly unmotivated. I've never had motivation in my life and it scares me. I wouldn't know what it felt like if I did have it. I want so many things yet have no desire to actually go for them. Hope, imagination, stubborness, drive, determination. Yep, got all those. Motivation? Nope. Never heard of it.

Tonight, it's hitting me hard. It's not about procrastination or anything of the sort. It's about the fact that I always feel as though I'm a little bit behind the crowd, so why bother? I feel stupid and lazy and I wonder if I will always be half-assing my way through life. I feel dumber than everyone else and that's a first for me. I feel inadequate at school. I bust my ass and still get C's and D's. I'm always so close yet so far. I feel as though I will always be somewhat 'sub-par.' I have so many dreams and it makes me cry to know that I may never achieve half of them. There's always an excuse and a reason not to. I'd love to work out and lose weight, but my body consistently fails me. I'd love to work really hard on my grades and graduate with a great GPA just to say I did it, but I don't want to put in the time. I'd love to find a part-time job so that we don't have to be so broke while I'm going to school, but my feet have become my worst enemy and I know I'd be bored shitless at a desk job. There's always a reason, and I'm too tired at this point to fight back or figure it out. Call it burnout or whatever you wish. I just think that life has left me behind and knocked me down too much to ever find my way back.

This may pass by tomorrow. This may be gone by the time I wake up in the morning. But it's always around the corner - that slack-ass mindframe that I so easily blame on my upbringing instead of just dealing with it head-on. The truth is that I'm tired of having to fight all the time. I just want to not be so damn sad when I try to look ahead into my future and see miles and miles of hurdles that I already don't have the energy to jump.

[note: I've always been of the 'warts and all' mentality when it comes to writing in this space. However, this is probably one of the only entries that I've regretted publishing so quickly (and actually thought of deleting). I'm cooled off now. Things are still dire for us, but I want to make it clear that this is not a public plea for sympathy or anything of the sort. This is where I express myself, angry, sad, depressed, whatever... and express myself I did. Just remember that while you're reading, ok?]

Do you know what it's like to be so fucking scared for such a long period of time that you can physically feel your spirit breaking?

Do you know what it's like to be absolutely shit broke? Do you honestly have any idea what true poverty is like?

I just started my fall break today. I celebrated by laying on the couch snuggled up in a warm blanket and listening to rain and wind outside while watching hours of television and being warmed by several animals at once. Five days of doing absolutely nothing. You could say I'm feeling better. So, in an effort to lighten the mood around here a bit, I give you....

Friday's Feast:

Appetizer
What is your favorite beverage?
Iced Tea - southern style with lots'o'shuga, honey.

Soup
Name 3 things that are on your computer desk at home or work.
1) Coasters, for holding said iced tea.
2) Sandpaper, for the endless painting and sanding we seem to be doing around here lately.
3) Two cordless phones. One works, one doesn't.

Salad
On a scale of 1-10 (with 10 being highest), how honest do you think you are?
12. You could say I'm off the charts really.

Main Course
If you could change the name of one city in the world, what would you rename it and why?
Why in the world would I want to do this? Aren't they all perfect in their own way?
Oh wait.. the hyphenated ones annoy me sometimes. But then again, Stratford-on-Avon is cool. Of course, that shit only works in Britain. Here in the states, it just sounds like a big ego clash. I just can't seem to envision picturesque ivy-covered homes in the English countryside when someone mentions, say.. Raleigh-Durham.

Dessert
What stresses you out? What calms you down?
Stressor - money. Having it, not having it, looking at it, thinking about it.
Calmer - Music, hands down. 2nd place: Wind chimes.

Two thoughts before bed tonight:

-- Is it possible to be 80 years old and still have that same gigantic painful zit on your chin that was there when you were 27? It's been a month people. I'm using prescription creme on this fucker. Hello? Is something going to erupt out of it and eat me? I don't care if it is, just get on with it already.

-- When it comes to the nature of the subtle romantic innuendo, guys don't have a fucking clue.

I'm having a weird obsessive/fed-up/voices day, so I decided it was meme time. I found this over at Rae's place. It's a long one, but I like it because it's different. Enjoy...

Who's your daddy now boys? Son of a bitch! What a game! I don't know how you Yankees/Sox fans watch these kinds of games every year without ripping your damn hair out and chewing your fingernails to the nubs. Wow. I can't wait to see how many Bostonites don't show up for work tomorrow. Hee hee! No matter what happens Monday night, that was baseball. The fans, the players, the stomach-clenching suspense. That is why I love a good Sox-Yankees showdown. Never a dull moment.

And Ortiz! My god! That was beautiful!
Kick ass. See you in game 5, boys. Go Sox!

We did it again, baby! Hell yeah! I swear, nothing would make me happier than to see the Yankees get their asses handed to them and the Sox to end up in the World Series. Wow. Tomorrow's crowd in NY will definitely be different though.
Man, I am getting nothing done watching these awesome face-offs. It's so weird for me because I was never a baseball fan. I guess I was just watching the wrong games. You know it's a good game if I'm sitting through all 14 fucking innings and still excited.
I can't believe Ortiz did it again though! Woohoo! Go Sox!

And Kat, I totally looked for you throughout the entire game! I thought that I saw you once, but I'm not sure. Man, I've just got to move to Boston so that I can sit in Fenway and do this right. I'm starting to look like a total ass jumping around and screaming in my Kentucky living room when it's not even basketball season. ;-)

Staying up to watch the Yankees get their asses kicked by the Red Sox:

Definitely recommended.

Staying up until 3am on a weeknight to watch those three back to back episodes of the X-Files (in syndication) that you love so much you've seen them a million times already:

Definitely not recommended.

J. was nearly 2 hours late to work from oversleeping and I missed my class today and consequently did not get my homework turned in on time either. This tv-in-the-bedroom idea that originally seemed so brilliant is going to be our ultimate demise. Alas, there were no extra innings so I cannot blame it on the Sox.

Remember, when TVs are outlawed, only outlaws will watch TVs.

Kids, don't try this at home.

Oh. My. God.

Hell yeah, baby. Hell yeah.

Today's Friday Feast, brought to you by early morning insomnia and restlessness. Ask for it by name!

Appetizer
Name 3 things that you are wearing today. J.'s Detroit RedWings sweatshirt, my grey sweatpants, and my ratty paint-stained-round-the-house sandals.

Soup
Who was the last person you hugged? Person? J. in a passive-aggressive whatever-I'm-still-mad-at-you-asshole sort of a way. Non-person? Gypsy. (Menstruation is lovely, yes?)

Salad
What do you like to order from your favorite fast food place? Now this used to be easy when I was a meat-eater. Arby's chicken-bacon-n-swiss. Unfortunately, since I went veggie that has been my one forbidden meat-craving that I have every payday. So instead, now it's Pizza Hut's Veggie Lover's Pizza minus the onions.

Main Course
What time of day do you usually feel most energized? 10:30pm or anytime after midnight. Seriously. At 1am I could be remodeling my house. At 10am, I'm useless.

Dessert
Using the letters in your first name, write a sentence. (Example: Susan = Sweet unusual spaniels are nice.) Ah, shit. I have to use Annastazia? Son of a... Okay, here goes:
Adorable naked ninnies always see the attractive zebras in Africa.

Oh my god! So I'm full of adrenaline right now (obviously). Let me tell you why.

Originally, my best friend Pasty was supposed to come and visit us this weekend and we were all desperately going to try and make it to FearFest again this year. However, after realizing that tickets are $25 per person and another $10 for parking, we realized that it was going to be an insanely expensive excursion. Also, Pasty pulled a muscle in her back last week and can't make the 3 hour drive to come visit this weekend. So.. we're rescheduling that for a later date when we can all afford it and all is well.

However, all of these changes in our plans come at the last minute (today) and we are suddenly left without an agenda. Naturally, I've been a little down lately because I miss my yearly Halloween Madness that we used to do at our old house and our financial situation hasn't really allowed us the means to go out and celebrate my favorite holiday the way I'd like. So....

Enter Mark - J.'s closest friend from Detroit. When we were living in Detroit in 2000, we threw a killer Halloween party and everyone still talks about it to this day. So Mark, having bought his first house this past spring, called and invited us to come to his very 1st Halloween party this weekend because he says he was inspired by us. (how cool is that?) Yes, it's last minute and yes, it's in Detroit and yes, gas is $2 a gallon right now. But considering that Mark is being cool about the dog, excited to hang out with J. again, and giving me the chance to help decorate and enjoy my favorite holiday on someone else's bill, we're taking it.

So tomorrow we pack up and head for Detroit at the crack of dawn so that I can help Mark decorate and J. and I can also revisit old friends and actually have our first good night out with real living people in a long, looong damn time. To say I'm excited is an understatement. I finally get to have a Halloween this year and it's all due to some really amazing friends in my life. Friends that I have made in the past, friends that I have made through blogging that are there for me when I need it (you know who you are), friends that I have made by simply coming out of my shell and being myself. I was never allowed to do that when I was a kid and now I'm starting to see that I'm not so bad after all and that people actually like hanging out in my company. It's pretty cool. :-)

Oh, but back to the ultra-cool part. Our costumes. So we were sitting around tonight thinking, "Okay. What can we make in one night on a budget of say.. ten bucks? Hmmmm..."

So we drove to some Halloween stores and looked at all the same old Buck-Toothed-Billy-Bob and Super-Sex-Kitten costumes that are out every year and then we yawned and came home. Then we brainstormed some more. Let's see.. we have lots and lots of boxes. What can we do with boxes? A tv? No.. A box of popcorn and a tv? Eh.. maybe. A pair of dice? Oooh, that's good! Hmm....

Then, a brilliant idea popped into both of our heads and let me tell you, this one is funny. It ran on and on and we brainstormed more and more. And it's ironic because this is the only year we could really pull this idea off. So off we went. J. just got back from the storage facility with all of the boxes and I just got back from Wal-mart with spray paint and elastic.

So, hopefully, you'll have some very funny photos coming soon of this so-called 'brilliant idea.' But for now, I'm totally going to tease the shit out of you and keep it a secret until it's done. Am I good to you people or what? Mwahh-ha-ha-haaaaa!!

Okay, okay.. one hint: Let's just say we're going to extremes. Figured it out yet? Hee hee hee!
Halloween? I'm back, baby!

Hi everyone. Just so you know, we've lost internet access at home. So as soon as I'm back up and running, I'll post the Halloween costume pics and get caught up on writing. In the meantime, my posting may be sporadic, as I have no 24 hr internet connection and a million assignments due all at once.

*sigh* You understand.

Just a quick note while I'm stealing some internet time here at the library...

Does school ever stop? Because boy, I'd really like to get off now.

Also: There's talk of us moving back to Detroit when I graduate. We have friends there and it might be a way to get back on our feet, as the engineering jobs are a dime a dozen and pay much more. Plus, we had a great time at the Halloween party and I miss having actual live mature friends. Truthfully, I guess that's a larger part of it than I want to admit. Heh.

And: Believe it or not, I'm considering scrapping this 4-year-degree concept and just becoming a travel agent. Yes, I've actually researched it. Yes, I'm totally kidding about scrapping my degree. But god, I want to travel the world so bad it's permeating my every thought and dream. I want to be one of those people that can pick up the phone and speak one of fifteen different languages on command. I want to see Rome and I want to see The Great Wall of China too. I want to see everything I've been missing. Is there a way to be a psychological dog training photographer that travels the world studying different languages and cultures and still makes enough money to be home most of the week and shop for new sheets and furniture for her new awesome house in her free time? Alas, that would be my perfect job.

Lastly: If you want to reach me, use this venue for now. I can't check my domain email because of our lack of domestic internet.

Currently: That is all. Yo.