Burlap Soul

And so it begins...

The memory blog is ready and boy, is the first one ever a doozy. (Does anybody really know how to spell doozy?) But this memory was ready to come out, so there it is. It's a long one and it was hard for me to write, so I imagine it might be hard for some of you to read. Be forewarned.

I'm not going to password-protect the site.. yet. But some of that stuff is just too personal and I desperately want to avoid the search engines that will result from some of those entries. So I'm not going to disclose the location here.

Just email me or leave a comment if you want to know where it is. I'll send you an email with the location. And if you do read it.. well, thanks for listening. It helps.

Friday = Memes!!

The memory blog has been created, but I'm doing some tweaking before it's revealed. And to be honest, the memories just aren't bothering me lately, so I'm waiting to get some material in there before I unveil it. I mean, really, aren't empty blog pages just kind of.. well.. empty? Anyway.. it's time for mindless quizzes/surveys/memes/time-wasters.. you get the idea. Rather than doing a bunch of little quizzes though, I decided on two rather long ones. Enjoy... and happy Friday.

First one, courtesy of Laura:

10 bands/singers you've been listening a lot to lately:
- Over the Rhine
- John Mayer
- Kenny Wayne Shepherd
- David Wilcox
- David Gray
- Paul Thorn
- Gillian Welch
- Josh Rouse
- Van Morrison
- Todd Snyder
- Tori Amos (yes, I have 11)

09 things you look forward to:

- spring break
- finally graduating within a year
- moving out of Ohio
- being able to call J. my fiance
- being able to call J. my husband
- driving anywhere in my car
- being healthy again
- warm weather
- owning a home

08 things you like to wear:
- jeans
- Easy Spirit sneakers
- hooded sweatshirts
- anything with lots of zippers
- my knee-high black italian leather lace-up boots *rowrr*
- tiny t-shirts in the summer with funny slogans on them
- boots of any kind
- comfy sweats

07 things that annoy you:
- willful ignorance
- disrespect
- narrow-mindedness
- selfishness
- immaturity
- critics
- a phony

06 things you say most days:

- fucking (as an adjective mostly)
- jeez
- awesome
- cool
- whatever
- whaaa?

05 things you do everyday:

- listen to music.. constantly
- take synthroid
- check email
- laugh
- sing

04 things you want to buy in the near future:

- house
- little beat-up commuter truck for J.
- new furniture for said house
- new tv

03 movies you could watch over and over again:

- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
- Kentucky Fried Movie
- The Shawshank Redemption
- Any MST3K (I just couldn't narrow that one down to three)

02 of your favorite songs at the moment:

- Over the Rhine - Ohio (though that whole cd is my current favorite)
- Josh Rouse - Come Back

01 person you could spend the rest of your life with:

- J... of course. ;-)

And this one from Rasee:

(1)What is your name?: For this survey.. Annastazia.
(2) Are you happy with it?: Well yeah. I picked it.
(3) Are you named after anyone?: In real life? No.
(4) Your nickname: staz
(5) Your screen name: CrowLuvsServo
(6) Would you name a child of yours after you?: No.
(7) Then what would you name your children?: Girl: Charlie, Vivian or Katarina. Boy: Xavier, Victor or Zander.
(8) if you were born a member of the opposite sex, what would your name be?: My preference: Charles. My parents' preference: Michael or Jason. It seemed to be the most popular choice at the time.
(9) If you could switch names with a friend, who would it be?: No friends' names, but my obsession with the name Charlie comes from the fact that it was supposed to be my name even if I was a girl. But my dad said no and it's bugged me ever since.
(10) Are there any mispronunciations/typos that people do to your name? My last name.. people are always trying to make it more complicated and add too many letters.
(11) Would you drop your last name if you became famous?: Nope.
(12) Your gender: Woman.
(13) Straight/gay/bi?: straight.
(14) Single?: Nope.
(15) Want to be?: Nope. I'm happy with what I've got, thank you.
(16) Do you have a crush? John Mayer.. but who doesn't have that one?
(17) Your birth date: July 29th.
(18) Age you act: 35. It seems like a good number.
(19) Age you wish you were: My own.. 26.
(20) Your height: 5'8"
(21) The color of your eyes: Green/grey
(22) Happy with it?: Yes.
(23) The color of your hair: Something my father calls "dishwater blonde."
(24) Happy with it?: Yes. I don't think any other color would look good on me, though I've always fantasized about being one of those natural redheads.
(25) Left/right/ambidextrous?: Hopelessly right. My left hand is useless.
(26) Your living arrangement?: Renting a house with J.
(27) Your family: Plentiful.
(28) Have any pets?: Five cats, one dog, one aquatic frog.
(29) What's your job?: Full-time student.
(30) Piercings?: Nope.
(31) Tattoos?: Nope.
(33) Addictions?: Reading blogs, music.
(33) Obsessions?: Animals, sunshine, Garfield.
(34) Do you collect anything?: Garfield memorabilia, black cats, toys.
(35) Do you speak another language?: Other than English: Italian.
(36) Have a favorite quote?: "No matter how much I care, some people are just assholes."
(37) Do you have a webpage?: http://www.burlapsoul.org
(38) Do you live in the moment?: Yes, but it's a daily struggle.
(39) Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?: Yes, to a point.
(40) Do you have any secrets?: Depends on who's asking. Mostly, no.
(41) Do you hate yourself?: No.
(42) Do you like your handwriting?: Yes.
(43) Do you have any bad habits?: Nail-biting, excessive swearing.
(44) What is the compliment you get most from people?: Mostly that I'm funny and I have great hair. Though sometimes it's about my smile.
(45) If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?: Black Swan. It's a Tori song, but it seems appropriate... but it would definitely not be marketed as a chick flick, more of a psychological thriller/dark comedy. :-P
(46) What's your biggest fear?: Losing someone that I love or dying too young.
(47) Can you sing?: Yes.
(48) Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?: Never.
(49) Are you a loner?: Yes, but I can turn it off when needed.
(50) What are your most important priorities in life?: To be happy. If I have that, then everything else falls into place.
(51) If you were another person, would you be friends with you?: Oh yeah. But I guarantee we'd have some big arguments every now and then and we'd certainly get annoyed with each other's mood swings.
(52) Are you a daredevil?: No.
(53) Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?: My temper.
(54) Are you passive or aggressive?: Depends on the day. Mostly somewhere in between.
(55) Have you got a diary?: A journal, yes. I hate to call them diaries. It's so high school. All I can conjure up is those annoying Sweet Valley High books.
(56) One thing you want more than anything in the world: To be happy.
(58) There are three wells: love, beauty and creativity. You can only drink out of one. Which one do you choose? Creativity. It's the one thing that I cannot live without... and it also allows me to find those other things that I need when I need them... and also to use them wisely without throwing them away. I would be careful with creativity. I can't guarantee that with love.
(59) How do you vent?: I blog or I bitch to J. (and he's so nice to listen. ;-)
(60) Do you think you are emotionally strong?: Yes.
(61) Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in your life: Pursuing what I wanted to pursue early on and not listening to the critics or to logic. Following my acting/photography/veterinarian dreams just to see how they would turn out.
(62) Do you think life has been good so far?: No, but it's definitely getting better every day.
(63) Do you think you are good looking?: For the most part, yes.
(64) Are you confident?: Depends on the situation, but mostly, yes.

Too Much to Think About..

I've had some serious problems lately with being scatterbrained. Though I think the real root of those problems is the fact that it is not my mind that is scattered, it is my life. We don't have the externally chaotic life like some people do (racing to and fro, scheduling appointments, deadlines, kids, schedules, etc..)
So that's not what I'm referring to when I say chaotic. Mostly for me, it's an internal chaos. It's constantly brewing and I can never seem to placate it for very long, if at all.

I spend most of my days in a somewhat delusional state. For most of my life, I can remember talking to myself way more than what's deemed 'normal' by some. What most people don't realize though is that I am not really talking to myself (that would be so much easier). Instead, I am talking, debating, arguing, interacting with the ghosts in my head. Most of the time, I am explaining my every move, validating my every decision, justifying my every nuance to these same people that have danced around in my psyche for years. It's not necessarily a 'voices-in-my-head' scenario. I'm not schizophrenic, I'm not having auditory hallucinations that defy logic. I'm not obeying the wills of strangers.

I know these Head People. They're ghosts.. plain and simple. The most prevalent one is my father, then second comes my evil stepmother (Billie) and after that, it's mostly just whoever I seem so eager to please for that particular day. Wednesday it was my Italian professor because she had made me feel so incredibly stupid in class that morning and I wanted to prove to her that I wasn't as stupid as she thought as I was. So, I walk around the house and feed the cats and take care of Gypsy and work with my camera and in my head, she is standing next to me watching with her critical eye and asking me a million questions as to why I wash the dishes a certain way or why I'm treating the dog a certain way. And I always have the comebacks, the perfect responses.. I'm washing the dishes this way because it's easier on my feet or my back or somehow it saves us water. I'm treating the dog this way because if I do it the so-called 'normal' way then it reinforces her need to be needy and the training that I'm using with her is actually a better way than most people think and it's done wonders for her self-esteem and separation anxiety, blah blah blah.

In my head, her response is always one of awe or surprise. In my head, these people lose all of their momentum when they realize how smart I really am and their constant criticism of me stops. I feel as though I have somehow proven that I am worthy and all is better for a little while. It's silly. I know it's silly. I know that I could sit here and justify my reasons for doing this until I'm out of breath. I know that it's yet another result of child-abuse-baggage and that it's nothing to be ashamed of. I know that most people will tell me I need to see a therapist and consider medication and I shouldn't be ashamed of doing such things. I know this. I know all of this.

I'm not ashamed of the fact that I do it. I know that creating this 'Theatre of Critics' in my head has been a defense mechanism for me my entire life. I know that by somehow inventing a private (delusional) world where I am great and no one criticizes me anymore is solely the result of my shattered self-esteem. I can remember times when having arguments with the Head People (whispered and in the bathroom) have saved my life as a young girl. But I am not a young defenseless girl anymore. I am plagued with memories, demons, ghosts and yes, even still.. the fucking Head People. Every day I am continually justifying myself and my decision to these eternal critics and I'm getting sick of it. When I was ten years old and quietly re-enacting a confrontation with an evil stepmother while looking in the mirror, it helped when I had all the right responses and stood up for myself. It made me feel better to (silently) shout out how angry I was and show how much pain I was hiding on a daily basis and how wronged I felt by this woman's actions. It was a good outlet for me because I knew that no one would listen to me in the real world, so it helped.

When I am 26 years old and I change lanes suddenly in order to prepare for an upcoming merge that I had forgotten about, it does not help me to sit and explain why I chose to merge when I did, how I did it and then justify my driving skills to whatever ghost I happen to be entertaining at the time. It does not help me to be talking out loud to another person in the car that is not there. It does not help me to be getting angry and having yet another argument with someone in my head. It does not help me to build my life around indecision because I can't seem to quell the critics in my head. It does not help me at all. In fact, it just feels silly. And I want it to stop.

I'm so tired of having to constantly force myself to look around inside my car and say, "Look! No one is here with you! Who in the hell are you arguing with? What in the hell are you trying to prove?? Just stop it! Those people are gone so quit justifying yourself to them! They don't care, so just stop it! You know you're better than this!"

But see, that's the problem. I don't know that I'm better than this. I don't believe that I'm good enough to achieve the dreams I always wanted. I allowed these people to break me, to mold me into the most critical of pessimists and then to shatter everything I thought I could be. These people don't exist in my life anymore and the ones that do exist are no longer so powerful because I have grown beyond their power.

But everyday there is a new entry into my head. Someone that made me feel insignificant at the checkout counter, someone that made me feel stupid in class, someone that made me feel like an outcast. These new people are only carryovers from the old people. Archetypes if you will. Some model of person that I have dealt with before, some new personality that relates right back to an older one that scarred me before, some new villain in the same old story.

So I'm trying something new here. I'm going to try and eradicate those same old stories. It will be hard and it will be painful, but I am going to do this my own way and on my own time. I have promised it before, but in reality, it is just too painful to keep up with the promise as much as I need. This time, it's different. When I read this entry over at Jules' place the other day, it felt as though I'd been punched in the stomach. Memories flooded me yet again and I realized that for as much as I talk about being a survivor rather than a victim, there are still a slew of memories that hold me back. And that's all they are, memories.. fingerprints, scars, impressions on my psyche. I decided that it's time to finally just purge them once and for all. So that gave me an idea. I realized that I have something like 20 subdomains with my account and that I'm only using about 3 of them, so here goes:

I'm creating a memory blog. I'm still unsure as to whether or not it will be password-protected (probably not), but it will be there just for me. You can stop by and read it as much as you want or you can ignore it competely. Hell, you can even contribute your own memories if you like and share the pain and purge it from yourself if it helps to make you feel better. I'm aware of the fact that maybe three people will read the damn thing and that it seems incredibly self-absorbed, but that's not why I'm doing it. Writing helps me to cleanse myself and that's why I deem this necessary. I can't afford therapy right now, I can't afford vast amounts of time off in order to 'find myself.' I can afford to write and write I will.

(See? I'm already justifying creating the damn thing.. because there's Billie in my head as always, saying "Why are you telling them? These people don't care about what you write. You know damn well that you don't have any friends, that these people just read because they feel sorry for you, etc etc.." See? This is maddening and that's why I am going to stop it. Fuck it. It's time to shut this bitch up.)

Every week, I will try to purge at least one bad memory from my life.

There will be weeks where I don't write anything because it's been a good week and I didn't want to drudge up the past and depress myself. Then there will be weeks where I write boatloads of memories because they refuse to leave me be. Either way, they will be written in the most excruciating of detail and they will be purged from my heart for good. I will type and cry and type and cry and type and cry some more. I don't care if anyone reads it. I don't care if I have the courage to read them myself. I will write them and cleanse that pain that is connected with them from me forever. I can deal with the memories in my head as long as they are just that: memories. I cannot deal with these constant reminders of all of my faults and all the things that should've been said or done or dealt with years ago. I refuse to spend another day going through the motions, second-guessing myself into oblivion and giving these Head People control over my decisions. I refuse to live another day of my life dying inside.

There is room in my life for only one thing: living. And that's what I'm going to do. Demons be damned.

Because I feel like being the Sadist tonight...

I challenge you to get these out of your head. I've been trying for the past three hours to no avail. Go for it. I'm telling you, it can't be done.

First up:

All I need is the AIR that I Breathe and to looooooove youuuuu!
All I need is the AIR that I breeeeeeeeeeathe!!!

Okay.. well how about this one?

I think I'm turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so!
I think I'm turning Japanese
I think I'm turning Japanese
I really think so!

Oh yeah? Think you're a tough guy, huh? How do you like this?

Youuuuuuuuu light up MY liiiiiiiiife
You give me hoooooooooope
You liiiight up MY daaaaaaays
and fill my niiights with soooooong!!!

Mwah-ah-ah-ahhhhhhh!! You will feel my pain as I have felt it for the past three hours. On a continous loop. Oh yes you will. Dammit.

Why? Why? Why??? Oh god, please.. just make it stop. I fear I've gone mad.

And really, what more could you ask for?

Good thing J.'s a chocoholic.

Heart of Chocolate


What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
brought to you by Quizilla

Stolen from Nicole, of course.

Book Quiz

Of course I am....

You're The Fellowship of the Ring!

by J.R.R. Tolkien

Facing great adversity, you have decided that your only choice is to
unite with your friends and neighbors. You have been subject to a ton of squabbling and
ultimately decided that someone humble is your best candidate for a dangerous mission.
You're quite good with languages and convinced that not all who wander are lost. If you
see anyone in black robes on horseback, just run. That's just common sense.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Snagged from Kat.

Amo...

I love having someone in my life that respects my opinion and comes to me for advice that they will actually use. I love having someone that comes to me when he needs to cry, only because he knows that I will hold him and do my best to make it okay. I love having someone that feels like my equal rather than a subordinate or a tyrant. I love having someone that worries about whether or not the cats are healthy. I love having someone that thinks the dog is just as funny as I do. I love having someone that gets such happiness out of making me happy. I love having someone that lays in the floor and discusses the psychology of tickle fights with me. I love having someone that blogs. I love having someone that lists me as one of the main priorities on their 'lifetime happiness list.' I love having someone.

I love that that someone is J... (yes, sweetie, typos and all.) ;-)

Um.. congratulations?

Hooooray!! I'm sick!! And I can be fixed!! And I'm not going crazy after all because I'm actually physically sick!! Woohooo!! ;-)

Yes, this is good news. After three years of being constantly told I had depression and not having any sort of firm diagnoses, I finally know what's wrong with me. Turns out I have hypothyroidism and no depression or anemia like some doctors have suggested. (If you follow that link and scroll down to the symptoms, it's eerie. I have every single one of those symptoms almost daily.) Some synthroid will be called in for me by the end of the day (I knew having a pharmacy at the end of my street would come in handy at some point). After all of this madness, it was that easy. In three months, I go back for another blood test to determine if my levels have changed. No worries though, because my awesome phlebotomist made me feel as though having my blood drawn is no big deal at all and I'm actually not afraid to do it again. Ask me again in three months though.. ;-P

Speaking of phlebotomists, I mentioned in the comments on that last entry that I was taking a gift to the wonderful woman that drew my blood on Monday. Marquita was her name, an awesome and nurturing woman with cool tattoos on her arms, a great smile and a wicked sense of humor. Remember how she got me to endure the needle? By bringing in a flowered wreath and having me name all of the colors in Italian for her? Well, I make wreaths as a little hobby and I wanted to give her one that would help others be able to do the same thing (since she said she uses that wreath for little kids)... except I was going to give her way more colors. (Man, I was so sick of just yelling out "Pink! There's lots of pink!" during that blood draw. You have no idea.)

So, I did. You think it's colorful enough?

She laughed so hard when I pulled it out of the bag. Then she gave me a big hug and asked so many questions about me and how I was doing and if I was okay. When I told her that I was trying to get my test results but hadn't yet, she just said, "Well let's see if we can get them for you right now! You just sit there and I'll take care of it." I love this woman. She kept staring at the wreath and saying, "I got plenty of colors now! Thank you honey!" I think she was pleasantly surprised that I had even done it in the first place. I almost teared up when I told her how thankful I was that she had been so nice to me. I told her that she was so incredibly patient with me and I just wanted to say thank you. I loved her response: "Honey, I understood. Those doctors sometimes, they just get in there and dig around and don't know what they're doing. That's why I used the smallest needle I could find, because I knew you were so upset. Thank you!"

Sometimes the intervention of a patient kind-hearted person makes all the difference in life. Then sometimes, it makes such a difference just to let that person know how thankful you are for the intervention in the first place. My heart feels more open today and no matter what happens with my treatment or with further blood tests, I am filled with such gratitude for a person like her. I have a diagnosis now and I can get on with the rest of my life.. because of Marquita. I am so incredibly thankful.. for her and J. and for all of you who have sent me well wishes here. Though I haven't responded much, I am always re-reading them for strength. Your words of encouragement have been a god-send and I cannot thank you enough for being so supportive of me during my little trials and tribulations. I know having a blood test may not seem like a big deal to some of you, but it is for me and I'm grateful to have had good friends along for the ride.

I feel like I'm starting on a new chapter in my life and it's amazing. :-)

Auuuughhh!

The doctor's office still has not called me back. I have been trying to call them pretty much constantly since 9am this morning... Nothing. First, it was busy for nearly 3 hours straight and then when I did get through, I was kicked into the blood-test-chick's voice mail which told me to leave a message and that it may be 24 hours before I get a return phone call. WTF? Are these people that damn important that I can't talk to real person or even get a phone call? This is my blood test here.. this is my health, people! Answer the phone!

I'm afraid that she will call while I am in class tomorrow morning and that I will call back, get nowhere, and have to wait until freaking Monday before I know anything. This is beyond frustrating. I have a paper to type. I need to take a shower. I'd desperately like to take a nap before class tonight. I can't do any of these things because I either can't concentrate long enough or I'm too afraid of missing this chick's phone call. I want to scream....

Tick...Tock... Tick... Tock...

I am absolutely shaking right now. I honestly don't know why I am so upset about this. The doctor's office called about my blood test results earlier and just left a message for me to call them back. I wasn't here and missed the message and now the office is closed. I have to wait until tomorrow and for some reason, my brain is absolutely panicking and I'm freaking out. My hands are shaking, my stomach has dropped into the pit of my bowels and I feel as though I am about to run an Olympic event. The weird thing is, I absolutely did not expect to feel this nervous about test results. I thought I would be elated, that I would finally know if something is wrong with me. I was told that if nothing was abnormal about my blood test, I would just receive a little postcard in the mail. If something turns out abnormal, then they would call me. And they called.. and I should be relieved because it means that I will finally know if something is actually physically wrong with me and whether or not I can get some treatment and feel better and get on with my life... right? ... right?

So why am I so damn scared? And what in the hell do I do until tomorrow morning? This is madness.

Yahoo

I just signed up for Yahoo Messenger because I'm sick of AOL's buggy-pop-up-ad-infested crap.
Username: CrowLuvsServo (same as the old AOL one)
So, if you've got a Yahoo username and would like me to know it, do tell! We'll have IM parties and do each other's hair. ;-)

Can I get a Hell Yeah?!

If this ain't a photogitive, I don't know what is baby!

I did it!!!!!! I did it baby!!!!!! After 14 years of being haunted by the traumatic memory of a bad doctor that didn't know what he was doing and bruised and scarred the shit out of me at the age of 12... after constantly challenging that memory and the ghost of a horrible stepmother that didn't care what was being done to me in the first place and just watched it happen... After walking out of doctor's office after doctor's office for the past three years because I was so sick but was too afraid to get the necessary bloodwork done... After all of that...

I have been so unbelievably fatigued and ill for the past three years and now I'm finally going to find out what's wrong with me. I don't give a shit if I'm actually sick or not at this point. I'm just overjoyed to have gone through with it at all. I had a doctor that listened to me and didn't automatically diagnose me with depression and send me out the door with a prescription and a boot in the ass. She actually suggested hypothyroidism and told me that it didn't really seem like depression at all. Then I had the most amazing nurse/phlebotomist. I'm telling you, this woman is a damn miracle worker and I told her so. Not only did she sit with me and make me laugh and never lose her cool or her patience.. not only did she delay her lunch break for 45 minutes just to be with me while I sat and cried and shook out of fear... not only did she use a butterfly needle so that it wouldn't even hurt that bad.. but the damn woman actually brought in a flowered wreath and had me name all of the colors in Italian while she stuck me with the needle. I am so wonderfully blessed to have found this woman. Stick, sting, in, her and J. shouting out colors and me translating them into Italian, tourniquet comes off, elbow is bent, all done.. within less than 30 seconds. Hot damn, baby!

Those of you that are going into nursing or into any sort of healthcare profession... please remember that it's not the medical procedures that patients remember the most. They are just a means to an end and most people realize this. It is the way you handle those people that makes you memorable. Don't ever forget that. A joking demeanor, a calm bedside manor and a creative mind from one wonderful lady all single-handedly helped me become a survivor today instead of just another victim walking out of a doctor's office in fear. I erased one of the most horrible memories of my life today and I have her (and J. of course) to thank for it. You can bet that she will be getting a real wreath delivered from me in the near future loaded with as many colors as I can find. Just amazing...

And of course, my wonderful lovely amazing J. I couldn't have done it without you, sweetie. When you held my hand, when you hid my gaze from the needle, when you kept trying to get me to focus on your eyes instead of all the fear in that room, when you imitated Gypsy's snoring half-barks to make me laugh, when you jumped up and down and searched with all of your heart to find another color on that wreath for me to name, when you cried and held me and laughed with me when it was all done... it was glorious and you are a hero in my world for everything. I love you, endlessly...

Someday I'll fly
Somday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for

-- John Mayer

Photogitives! They're Positives - with a twist!

So I'm going to try something different with this week's positives. I'm going to post my regular positives list here as usual. However, I'm also going to post photographs to illustrate each and every positive that I possibly can. There will also be a separate smaller list in the photoblog that contains more personal shots that I don't feel like publishing here. (Just email me if you'd like access to the photoblog and let me know something about you; website, favorite color, whatever.. no worries. I will most likely grant you access no matter what tidbit you share with me. The photoblog is for anonymity purposes only, but I like to know who's there.)

Now, you certainly don't have to follow in my footsteps and I wouldn't hold it against you if you didn't... but I'd love to see others try this as well. So if you're up for it, go for it.. see what happens! (or just save up some pictures and post them all next Monday.) If you do try it though, leave a link in my comments and let me know where to find your Photogitives list! I'd love to see it!

Here we go...

-- No class tomorrow!! Three day weekend!! :-)
-- A beautiful weekend spent driving around the Kentucky countryside with the one I love
-- Amazement at discovering cats that enjoy the RV life
-- Emails that tell me J. is coming home from work early on a Sunday :-)
-- My mom giving J. a simple toy that she knew would fascinate him endlessly
-- Finally piecing together the perfect birthday gift for my best friend Pasty and...
-- finding this beautiful watch at the last minute as well and for cheap!
-- My annual tradition of finding early Mother's Day gifts for my heart-collecting mom during Valentines' clearance
-- Then finding some lucky socks for my own Irish self
-- Healthy junk food
-- Unhealthy junk food
-- The realization that I have been virtually vegetarian since the beginning of the year (only occasional doses of chicken for protein) :-)
-- The other realization that in the past 3.5 years that J. and I have lived together, we have always slept under the stars
-- Coming up on the 1-year anniversary of Gypsy's arrival into our lives and...
-- still being able to fall more in love with my dog every day
-- Even though I know that all of her toys will end up like this...
-- I continue to buy them for her...
-- because she gets so much joy out of them that I just can't resist
-- Laughing at myself today when I realized that I just could not throw out this old thing, because it was the first toy we ever bought for her and she was so overjoyed to have it.. even though she doesn't even know it exists anymore ;-)
-- Incredibly good music
-- New obsessions
-- Mapping out my last year of school as best I can
-- Tackling the books and trying to stick with it in the meantime
-- Groceries and a fully stocked kitchen...
-- even for the animals
-- I have food to eat
-- I have clean water to drink
-- I have happy and healthy kitties that love me and I love them
-- I have a dog that always manages to find warmth in the midst of the cold
-- I'm in love with a man that gives me endless reciprocation and endless snuggles
-- Despite lack of funds, we continue to dream of our 'Someday' and it gives us great happiness
-- I feel better about myself than I have in days
-- and I'm finally done uploading!! :-)

Too close to home

When in the hell are they going to catch this guy? He's getting bolder and he's been headed my way for the past month. It seems to me as though the cops are just sitting on their asses waiting for it to get worse or give them another fatality. I don't understand why, with the vast amount of evidence and information they have on him, they are still just sitting around waiting on someone to call 911 before they start to think about getting proactive. There's been a new shooting practically every day for the past two weeks and I don't like it one fucking bit.

"...This puzzle is really just about the need to be somebody..."

(I'm listening to one of my new favorite obsessions and I keep having an overwhelming urge to just post song lyrics in order to illustrate my thoughts... should be interesting.)

".... Listening, you're always listening, I don't know what to say ...."

So how do you write about yourself and your life when it's being lived but not remembered in any sort of coherent fashion? Simple.. you end up lost, disoriented and not writing. I see on many people's blogs their daily lives in either infinite detail or in just enough detail to be interesting or at least chronological. "I woke up and had some tea.. I went to the store to pick up something really neat... I went out to see a movie with so-and-so.. I watched this-or-that on tv and it started a discussion about whatever..."

I don't know about you, but I don't live days like these. Sometimes I wish my daily tasks and the amount of time spent doing said tasks could be so easily divided into nice little entertaining chunks. For the most part, I spend my days in a massive brain fog, trying my best to keep from either falling apart and giving up completely or just going completely overboard and being nuts with things that need to be done right now or else I will get overly anxious and explode. I've never been very good at finding balance in life. It's always been all or nothing for me. Extremes seem to be a pattern in my life. My dad was the totally practical, always sensible, always grounded, never do anything too drastic or change your routine at all type and I was raised primarily by him. However, the weekends were ruled by my mother. The complete and total free-spirit, do whatever you want to do, fuck reponsibility, fuck acting like a grown-up, live only for yourself and tell the world to kiss your ass and if they don't agree with your decisions, so what? The everyone else can just deal with it and pick up your slack until you manage to get your shit straightened out kind of girl. I guess you could call it bipolar parenting.

".... You were 80% angel, 10% demon, the rest was hard to explain ...."

Despite this constant dualism, things have been good lately. We are looking to buy a house, but we can't seem to find something that's in a good location for a cheap price. We are pretty much always broke, but lately we've been okay, mostly from the residuals from my school loan money back in January. J. is starting to gain a good reputation at his job and even though the pay still sucks, there's the possibility of a raise within a few months and he likes going to work every day and he likes what he does, so we don't complain. I am doing okay in school and even though Methods is starting to really kick into full gear and Italian II is kicking my ass, I am really trying to keep up and work hard. I've learned that for as much as I bitch about school, it is actually finally getting close to an end (December if I'm lucky). For as long as I've been in college and the long, hard road it has been for me, I understand that the day I finally get to leave and move on with my life will still be a hard transition. So I'm trying to really relish it for what it is and not let it slip through my fingers as a wasted opportunity.

".... The trouble is I'm so exhausted, the plot you see I think I've lost it, I need the grace to find what can't be found ...."

That's the hardest part of all of this I guess. When everything is good, I am bad. When life seems to look up, I am caught in a web of fog and semi-depression. (Though I am only using that term because I don't know what else to call it. It's really just a vague sense of uncertainty combined with a vast amount of mental/physical fatigue and lots of slurred speech when I do have the energy to talk.) I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for Monday. I am finally going to have my blood drawn in order to see what is wrong with me, in order to see if it really is physical or if it's just mental and something's off balance up there and needs fixed. (If you leave a comment on this entry, please do not mention the bloodwork. I find it best if I just avoid thinking about or discussing the entire process completely, otherwise I will obsess and completely chicken out and not go at all. It's been 14 years since my last -very traumatic- blood test. I need this to go smoothly. Thank you.)

".... Hard for me, this is too hard for me.. maybe I can't get through ...."

Though my moods have been up and down, it's a relief to have J. as my constant. Sometimes I'm way too hard on him and my temper flares and I make his life a living hell, but sometimes it's enough to just have him in the room. I look back on relationships past, my behavior in the past as compared to my current behavior and my increased amounts of patience. The amount of mutual respect and calm we have would've never happened in my life five years ago. Case in point: J. just walked in to sit next to me and out of respect, he does not read what I type because he knows it's personal and that it's important I keep my words private for a while after I've written them. Instead, he sits next to me, sips his beloved cup of hot chocolate, reads the paper and sings along with one of his favorites on the new cd - a beautiful slow, jazzy love song that wraps around your brain beautifully.

".... I wrote down a dream, what more could I do? I drew myself a picture and the picture was you... I wrote myself a riddle, I said 'What I wouldn't do to give something good to a love like you' ...."

Today is Valentines' Day. Now there was a time when I once considered Valentines' to be one of my absolute favorite holidays of the year. When I was a young idyllic high-school student, I thought Valentines' Day would be that one day of the year when all the boys that treated me like scum would actually be nice and treat me like a human being that they respected. It wasn't until many years later did I realize that putting all of my hopes for emotional reciprocation into one day of the year wasn't really a wise decision after all and that it almost always backfired. I realize now that Valentines' is mostly a mass-marketed guilt-trip and even though I have nothing against those that celebrate it and enjoy it, it's just not for me anymore. No bitterness or anything. I guess being with someone that truly loves me for who I am, no matter what day of the year it may be, is really just all I needed. I often used Valentines' Day as an excuse to make those that I was with feel compelled to go all out and fill my endless void. When in reality, all I needed was someone that loved me enough to encourage me to fill it on my own. Now.. I've forgotten countless times today that it's even Valentines' Day and I honestly could care less if I receive a card or anything, because I'm in love year-round and it's always reciprocated and that's all that I'm really concerned about... the holidays are just a nice excuse to buy and devour themed cupcakes with lots of colorful frosting. ;-)

".... You're still the missing line in my favorite song ...."

The ironic thing about trying to finally leave Cincinnati and head into the country-life of Kentucky that we've longed for is that for as much as we can't stand this city anymore, it will still be hard to leave. Next to my hometown, this is the only other place I've ever known. Just as I am learning to navigate my way around and just as I am finally able to give people solid directions, I would be relocating to a smaller place with less people. This doesn't bother me though, because to be honest, I have not made a single good friend since I moved here nearly ten years ago. The people that I was ever remotely close to have all moved away for better opportunities in better cities and no longer keep in touch. That should tell you something about a place. Most of my friends are in my hometown, are friends of my family or are those that I have discovered online. Cincinnati has not been very kind to us, but it has not really been horrible to us either. It's just been sort of.. there. It prides itself on being so focused on its citizens, but unless you are a white, middle-class family of five in a high-income neighborhood, it really wants nothing to do with you. Needless to say, it is not the most thrilling place to meet new people. I can't say that I'd miss it much.

".... Sometimes I feel so all alone here in this city I call my home, they say hey, you're one of us, funny I should feel so anonymous ..."

I got sidetracked and ended up writing an entirely separate entry and now a few hours have passed. I'm realizing that focusing on this very moment is what's going to help me get out of my self-destructive flashback-thoughts for a while. Right now, J. is sleeping in the next room, along with five cats and a beagle. It is quiet except for the hum of the space heater (our office is drafty as hell) and the nice soft sounds of good music. J. and I have had a wonderful couple of days. Friday he played hooky and we spent the entire day together, driving around looking at houses and enjoying the weekday quiet. Today we looked at another house with my mom and even though we decided it was a money pit, we came home okay and had a nice peaceful evening together. We've created a nice little groove here together in our lives. Despite the chaos of change or the boredom of habit, we still manage to sneak in good quality moments together. Even on the worst of days, we try to make each other laugh. Even during the worst of arguments, we communicate and try to be truthful about our emotions at all times. Even during the most tumultuous of moods and anxieties, we still care about each other a great deal. It's a current that runs through us almost always. No matter what may lay ahead, no matter what issues have to be dealt with someday, no matter what the therapists may try to tell me... it is nice to truly know that I have progessed and advanced beyond all the trappings of my past environments. To know that for as desperate as things can be sometimes, I have still defied the odds and ended up in one beautiful piece.

I guess I'm just overwhelmed sometimes at how much I have changed in my life and how much further I have to go. I am not afraid of the future anymore because I know I am strong enough to get through it and that I won't have to go through it alone. I really never thought I could have a love in my life like this one and I'm learning that true love, love that takes work, love that tries your soul and still lifts your spirit, love that loves you back... well, it turns out that it's quite splendid and that it suits me just fine.

I wrote down a dream, what more could I do?
I drew myself a picture and the picture was you
I wrote myself a riddle, I said 'What I wouldn't do
to give something good to a love like you'

The Stalker Story

There's something else that I've been meaning to talk about for a while now, but never really had the desire to dig it up again. I guess today just keeps it fresh in my head. February 14th is The Stalker's birthday. Dan. Have I ever told you about him? Really, in any sort of detail? Probably not and that's fine with me if it's fine with you. Let's just say that it was one of those relationships that twisted my head around in more ways than you could ever imagine. I am still dealing with some of the issues he bestowed upon me, but for the most part, I look back now and only see a lonely blind girl and a fucked-up neurotic child in the body of a 45-year-old man. He was the one that was right before J., the older man (older than my father to be exact), the tarot reader that was all talk and no walk, full of commitment only to himself and his delusions, the one that professed undying love and filled my head with such grandiose garbage only to rip it away when I made my own decisions or had my own life, the one that wanted a younger, sexier trophy wife instead of a real relationship. *sigh* I could go on forever really (and I probably have) but let's just say that when I met J. and I finally realized what I had been missing, I was a) tired of being spontaneously dumped and given Dear John voice mails once a month and b) tired of being accused that I was sleeping with every retail clerk/professor/student/anyoneelseyoucanthinkof/etc etc that crossed my path.. Well, it wasn't too long after meeting J. and after all of this madness that I finally grew up and got wise and dumped Dan's ass. Granted, it took two years, but it was a personal milestone nonetheless.

When I moved to Detroit with J. in the summer of 2000, I wasn't really thinking it through. I knew I really liked him, I wanted to spend the summer with him, I was fucking exhausted from being stalked for the past six months and I basically just wanted to get away from everything. It didn't occur to me that it was a great ploy to get away from Dan. It didn't occur to me that I would fall madly in love and discover what a true man was really like. It didn't occur to me that I would never live alone again and that I would actually enjoy such a concept.

My friends were instructed to play dumb and never tell Dan where I was, even though he called them relentlessly and even tried to sabotage the university into giving out my new address (which they almost did, the fucking bastards). He had no idea where I had gone. He sent countless emails telling me that he still loved me, but he wasn't "being a little girl and running away" like I was because he had found a "grown woman" that would have "lots of s*x" with him and so he was "moving on with his life." I remember reading those emails and being utterly perplexed, laughing my ass off and thinking, "Yeah, you're doing a great job. You're down to only five emails a day, shithead." I never once replied to a single email or phone call, my silence allowed him to think that I had just dropped off the face of the planet.

Eventually J. and I moved back to Cincy by the end of 2000 so I could finish school and there were periods when I was so afraid that he would find me again. Mostly though, the emails tapered off and I began to feel safe finally. I haven't heard from him for nearly two years (when he sent me some email asking if I wanted to meet him and "hang out" since he would be in Cincinnati for Oktoberfest, you know.. "just to talk" because he wanted to know how I was doing because he "still loves me"). Ha. Right. I never went, I avoided downtown all that weekend and tried not to think about how creepy it was that he was in Cincy and waiting to meet me again. Still, my confidence began to build and two years later, this past October, I went to Oktoberfest with my mom and J. and had a wonderful time. It was a little scary and I was looking for him everywhere, but for the most part I did okay and there was never an incident. So I assumed all was good.

Then on the very first day of school this semester, he sends an email to my university address. An address he shouldn't have ever known about. An email address that I never gave him. According to the email however, he doesn't even know if he has the right person. It just says, "I hope this is the same Staz that I know and love. I hope you will email me because I miss you and want to know how you are. Forever your love... Dan."

Keep in mind that the last time that I ever spoke to this man was over four years ago. I'd be lying if I said this shit wasn't disturbing. So now that I am back at my old university, a campus that he knows well, a campus where I walk out to a dimly lit parking garage two nights a week... well, there are just some scary late-night walks to the car. No worries though. I am always safe. Never by myself, always walking out to the cars with the rest of the class, deviate from my usual routine every now and then in order to throw off would-be spies. It's just... dammit, I shouldn't have to do this. I shouldn't have to come home 20 minutes late from class and see J. pacing frantically because he's afraid Dan has shown up and I was in some kind of trouble. That shouldn't be the damn case at all. I shouldn't have to live so cautiously because of a fucked-up man from four years ago. I don't have enough for a restraining order, it's all hearsay and to be honest, I don't even want him to know that I still exist in the first place. So... what I'm trying to say is that it's just not fair and it really pisses me off.

So it's February 14th. He's turning 48 or 49 and I know he will send me another email soon telling me how much he thought of me or that he still loves me and wants to know how I'm doing. It will drudge up old memories of a time in my life when everything was pure chaos and terror and I will be catapulted into 24 hours of flashback misery and I will end up hating myself for allowing that man into my life at all and for allowing it to continue for as long as it did. But then J. will come and hold me tight and I'll feel better and come back into the present for a bit and everything will be okay. I'll feel strong again because I know that Dan is a little scared man that's full of talk and things will be good. He will be forgotten... for a little while.

I guess I'm just tired of having to wait on that next email.. because they never stop coming. (I was told by a police officer once not to block his emails because it's like losing his only connection and then he may just go nuts and come looking for me in order to re-establish contact.) No matter how much strength I muster, no matter how good I can be at kicking physical ass when I need to (and yes, it has been needed a few times with this man), no matter how much I may be prepared for his unexpected arrival, no matter how many times I remind myself that he lives in Chicago, no matter how many times I look over my shoulder, no matter how alert I try to stay... I would be so much more relieved to deal with his departure from my life instead. Knowing that day may never come is the hardest part of all. No matter what a wonderful day I may have with J., I know that on certain dates out of the year this horrid man's memory will forever interrupt my thoughts and taint everything. I think that's what kills me the most.

Abbreviated Recap - because I am too lazy to tell you everything I've been up to

-- Winning Sarah McLachlan tickets on the radio two days before sale, wasn't trying, cracked J. up, don't know what to do with them, not even a real Sarah fan, feel somewhat guilty because I know there's a 17-yr-old girl out there crying her eyes out because she had hit redial fifteen times but still didn't win.. then again, I don't feel so guilty because I was the first one who answered the trivia question correctly and didn't say she was born in Minnesota.. dorks.

-- Italian is kicking my ass
-- Geography is stabbing my brain with its incessant boredom and idiotic professor
-- Methods is making my heart race, stabbing my brain and kicking my ass, but I'm doing okay so far

-- Dream-House '04' is out of the question due to an impromptu stop on Friday night and the discovery that the hole-in-the-wall-cafe across the street is actually the loudest karaoke bar that I've ever heard (every Friday and Saturday night! Come on in!), was crushed for a few days, am doing better now... maybe.

-- Phone was turned off due to late payment, but will hopefully be back by Friday

-- Doesn't bother me anyway because I was getting tired of my dad calling me every morning to say 'I told you so' about the house-search and criticizing every dream I've ever had by poking holes in everything and never noticing the positives.

-- Have decided that we must have a dish wherever we end up living because listening to all of the wild music stations (all 80s music, all the time!! then switch to Reggae! then switch to Heavy Metal! then 1930s jazz! then back to 80s!) was just too incredibly satisfying... I think I've found my version of Heaven.

-- Standing with J. in my mom's livingroom in her house in the middle of nowhere next to a patented KY country-livin' coal-stove and simultaneously singing every word to Martika's 'Toy Soldiers' at the top of our lungs, complete with 80s patented dramatic video-poses, surround-sound and all, I realized that I've found my soulmate after all and it wasn't the big wildly profound moment I thought it would be... in fact, it was just the opposite (I certainly never though Martika would be involved) and just something that seemed wildly obvious instead.

-- Wondering what I am supposed to be doing with my life has led me to realize that I do indeed want to travel and see the rest of the world and what I am missing before settling in one state forever and never knowing what other places could've been like.. though I do still want to be able to 'come home' whenever I like.. so buying a fixer-upper house doesn't seem so bad after all because we could make it our own and it would always be 'home' and we've decided to just take advantage of our 'traveling bug' while we're young, childless and curious and just take lots of vacations in order to see what place suits us best. That way, if we do decide to relocate to some far-away city someday, we will have built lots of equity in a house we didn't pay too much for and can sell it at a really nice price without too much guilt. I call it 'settling down without settling.'

-- Computer is absolutely on its deathbed and a new one will be purchased hopefully very soon, or maybe just a complete upgrade in order to save money, though a bigger monitor is a necessity... everything looks so much cooler that way.

-- I am constantly bitching about how I need to be on a better sleep schedule yet it is nearly 2am and I am sitting here, typing and full of my usual nighttime adrenaline... I do believe that fighting my night owl nature is just a losing battle. I will never take a morning class again and will one day have a job where I set my own hours and never start working before 11am.. it may be selling Avon, but dammit I will get to sleep on my own clock. Fuck the world and it's crazy early-morning circadian rhythms.

-- Am slowly realizing that for as much as my family loves me, they will always be too self-involved to prove it or even admit it without attaching some sort of dysfunctional small print... and that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

-- Have also realized that for as much as J. can absolutely piss me off, he can also absolutely lift me up and make me feel beautiful and wonderful all in the same five minutes.

-- I've also realized that when this occurs, the best thing to do is just hold him and kiss him back without questioning everything and holding childish pointless grudges... because it can actually feel good and doesn't have to be an awkward thing. And if it is, it is probably because I am making it so. Sometimes you just have to let that certain someone hold you and nuzzle your neck and whisper in your ear and then let yourself enjoy it because it means they are attracted to you and want to show it. And then sometimes a hug is just a hug and it feels just as good. Either way, it doesn't mean that you are any less of a person or that you are loved in different amounts. Love can be unconditional and if you find such a nice thing as this, just shut the hell up and give it a chance.

-- I still can't believe I won the Sarah tickets.

Hi, my name is Staz and I have an Ebay problem.

When you're broke, Ebay is fun to browse because you never know what in the hell you might find.

When you have a little money to spend, Ebay is crack and should be avoided at all costs.

You will bid on absolute crap just because you can and just because you've told yourself that it's only $3.99 and you deserve it. Then before you know it, you are refreshing the page like a maniac because you know that little punk with the stupid-ass username (I-M-Hot-04 or something to that equivalent) is going to, in all of his last-minute treachery, come back and put some huge proxy bid in with only six seconds left on the item you've been watching for the past two hours. Bastard.

However, I did win a Pirates of the Caribbean DVD for only about 10 bucks. Jumped right in there with three seconds remaining and proxy bid that little punk's ass right back out of the water, I did. Arrr! Here there be Ebayers! Watch yer back, matey!

Yeah, I think it's time to get out of the house. Is it warm yet?

Back in my day, we wore old flannel and we liked it!

Damn. Is it just me or did the Grammy's royally suck tonight? Last year, we had Norah Jones and John Mayer.. people who write their own songs and perform their own instruments. Newbies that actually created some amazing music and blew everyone away with their success.

This year? SnoozeFest '04. Bleh. Sadly, I'm not even surprised. I guess at a certain point you just grow up and realize that the Grammys aren't even all that wonderful and that it's never really about the music anyway. Ads, ratings, ass-shaking, more ads, more ratings, bling, bling, bling, blah blah blah.

Maybe I'm just showing my age here.. you know, twenty-six. (Yes, I've learned in college that I might as well be prehistoric by today's standards.) Then again, I grew up in a time when Jethro Tull beat out Metallica for 'Best Heavy Metal Album.' Man, that was some funny shit. I remember all of my friends going to school the next day and painting "Jethro Tull Kicks Ass" on all of our Doc Martens with white-out in study hall. Yeah, we were that cool.

So... who wants to come over and listen to Led Zeppelin and Nirvana records with me? Yes, records.. um, you know... okay, they were these big plastic cds that had two sides to them and you could put them on a turntable... a turntable?.. jeez, okay, it had this arm with a needle sticking out of it... no, not like the arms and needles you've seen on Behind the Music.. well, the needle, it played the records... and there was this big groove in the record... *sigh* Ah, forget it. You kids these days... never appreciate anything...

Sad Sad News Stories

This story makes me so sad today. I think somehow it's worsened in our minds because we saw how easily this man grabbed and walked away with her and now we see how quickly her life can be snatched away as well. It makes me angry, but mostly it just makes me so unbelievably sad for that family, to have to watch that footage of her over and over again on every news channel. Knowing she was alive in one moment and gone in the next. It would just be unbearable to me.

This story has me worried as well. J. has family living in Moscow (including a brother and sister-in-law) and many friends there as well so we are waiting it out to see if everyone is okay.

What's going on with this world today? .... Anyone?

Methods Made Me Do It

Research Methods made me smack my computer screen while screaming in frustration. This is not good. We're only on Assignment #2.

My knuckles still hurt from that nice little outburst and all of the animals have decided to nap elsewhere in order to protect themselves from my Methods Wrath. Is it spring break yet?

One more thing: Microsoft Word sucks balls and APA format can kiss my 12-point ass.

My kingdom for a cookie!

I want cookies and I want them now... Dammit.

(I'm thinking little snuggly Staz needs a nap, yes?)

Though if you do happen to have some cookies on your person, an offering would be well appreciated and could quite possibly save you from the wrath of the Angry Cookie Goddess. Preferably chocolate chip, Pecan Sandies or anything with M&Ms baked inside. However, macadamia nut or sugar cookies will also suffice. Just don't give me any damn Oreos. All that licking and disassembly combined with a blatantly-fake-chocolate communion wafer. I am not fooled. Those things will do me no good.

Cookies. Now. Capite? Good. Now get to it. ;-)

On the road...

I like this version of this meme much better. So much easier to understand, but then again I'm just a visual learner at heart. ;-)

I haven't been an extensive traveler yet in my life, but I've loved just about all the places I've seen. All the states I've been to are in red:

create your own visited states map
or write about it on the open travel guide

Seen over at Shelby's place.

In which I do a survey ten-years behind the crowd

Hell, I've seen this thing everywhere, but I actually copied and pasted it from Nicole. :-)

I have never owned a foreign car.
Half Price Books is better than any overpriced bookstore chain anyday.
I love the scent of vanilla, peach, mango and anything else tropical.
I love my cushioned-grip Pilot pens.
My doggie is the cutest thing ever (and the most hilarious!)
I love it when I am able to utilize my free time and do constructive artwork or little projects that make me happy, so that I don't get too lost in the madness of my own thoughts.
I like making lists.
I like meeting people. (sometimes)
I am very much in love.
I don't wear much jewelry. (one watch, one ring)
I have always had 20/20 vision.
I am a college student. (and a very tired one at that)
I am ten years older than my sister.
I have never been to China.
I don't have a favorite film because I can't narrow them down that much.
I have always hated math and probably always will.
I will never settle on a job I hate just because of a fat paycheck.
I take a multivitamin (with extra iron) every day.
I've only had surgery once for a massive obstruction in my stomach when I was born.
I'm not nearly as good to my body as I should be.
I love my family.
I hope to get married some day.
I love massive amounts of light in a room.
I can sew buttons (and most other things).
I love to read.
My computer is a "frankenstein."
I've never tasted alcohol in my life and I'm fine with that.
I have ungodly amounts of static in my hair in the winter.
I enjoy keeping busy, but I also need lots of downtime to recover.
I would enjoy a vacation to someplace warm.
I like to people watch.
I think I have changed a lot throughout my life.
I should be typing up a Research Methods paper right now.
I need to exercise more.
I thought Pirates of the Caribbean was awesome!
I am learning more and more about cooking everyday and I'm often satisfied with my new recipes!
I don't often IM anyone except for my mother.
My bedroom is painted pale spring-green with an Asian theme.
I love naps in the sunlight on Saturday afternoons.
I love to eat.
I cannot stand the city that I currently live in (cincinnati) and want to move back across the river to Kentucky.
I am still unsure as to whether or not I could ever be a good parent.
I love photography.
I love the fact that my body is real and has curves in all the places a woman's body is supposed to curve.
I love my boy (J.) very much.
I have very strange dreams most nights.
I have mostly learned how to love myself and am now learning how to love others and accept my own mistakes with dignity.
Oatmeal-raisin cookies are one of my favorite things that no one else likes.
I am terrible about returning phone calls (or even making them in the first place.)
I want to see Jamaica, Barbados and the Maldives.
I like to write.
I hope by this time next year, I am eligible for graduation, living in my own home and engaged to J.! :-)

Doldrums

I really wanted to sit down and do some positives tonight. I've been compiling a list in my head all day of things I could put on it. There's no shortage of great things going on with me lately. They're small and some might consider them trivial, but still, they're positives for me.

But, dammit.. right now, I just don't feel like typing up anything. My neck is killing me, which is in turn beginning a massive migraine as well. It's been a rough day for me, as have most days lately. I'm not sure if it's winter or the absolute unbearably bitter cold or the constant cloud of uncertainty over this house we want so badly or the never-ending assignments and pressures of school. I'm not sure what it is exactly, but I'm just feeling so damn tired lately. Every day is a struggle against listlessness and keeping my mood up and my motivation going is getting harder and harder. My brain has been so unbelievably scattered that I'm actually surprised. I've always been in somewhat of a brain fog, but it's just getting ridiculous. I'm afraid I may be sinking into a minor depression. I'm reluctant to take any drugs for it, just because I know a vast majority of it is dependant on this damn weather we've been having. I feel trapped, deprived of sunlight, in desperate need of some warm sunshine and fresh air.

Maybe it will be better tomorrow. Maybe not. Either way, I am still doing okay. I have my good moments and my lists of positives compiled in my head. I may not feel up to typing them here, but at least they are still available to me when I need them. It may not seem like much to everyone else, but I think it's better than nothing.