Burlap Soul

Odd Numbered Years are Always Good to Me

Observations on my 27th birthday... (and beyond)

I have:
-- survived 20 years of various types of child abuse and neglect and come out even more proud of who I am
-- finally found a man that respects me for me and accepts my faults more than I do
-- finally learned what unconditional love is and that it is not unattainable
-- learned how to understand those that are different from me rather than passing immediate judgement
-- forgiven the men that have brought me heartache and finally learned to let them all go
-- learned Italian
-- lived in three different states
-- moved far from home and discovered how much my family means to me
-- lived close to home and discovered how much we are different
-- remained friends with my best childhood friend since age 12
-- become an aunt to a child that I never expected and felt at peace with it more than I thought I could
-- been a guardian for over 17 animals
-- cared for many, many more
-- never based my worth on someone else's opinion
-- remained a virgin
-- never done drugs or alcohol
-- never smoked
-- learned that I can control one of my worst vices - nailbiting
-- said goodbye to toxic people, no matter what the cost
-- said hello to healthy relationships and more positivity
-- seen the same ocean four times
-- seen the prairies of the west
-- seen the beauty of the Montana/Canada border (Glacier Park)
-- seen the electric current of New York
-- seen what someone else considers home and found it beautiful
-- learned to stand up for myself and others
-- kept my long hair
-- learned to sing and sing well
-- felt the power of photography
-- learned to express myself through the power of art and song
-- survived 8 parental divorces and 5 abusive step-parents
-- ridden on the back of many Harleys
-- survived the loss of loved ones
-- learned to cope with the loss of my thyroid gland
-- had my blood drawn after 13 years of phobia
-- discovered what it's like to be city and country all in one
-- squished many large and scary spiders
-- learned the gift of listening to my gut and understanding intuition
-- learned how to handle money through my own mistakes
-- moved on

I am:
-- strong
-- independent
-- wild
-- free
-- calm
-- optimistic
-- inspired
-- beautiful
-- intelligent
-- well-rounded
-- understanding
-- compassionate
-- fierce
-- confident
-- evolving
-- still here

Chalk up another one on the old Survival Board. Happy Birthday to me indeed. :-)

Names, Dogs and Pictures

Less than a week before we move and so far, I'm handling the stress and doing okay. Yesterday was J.'s birthday and I stopped at the last minute and got him a new watch that he liked and some chocolate. We stopped on the way home and had pizza. It wasn't much, but he was overjoyed. In all this chaos, our birthdays have fallen by the wayside, much like Christmas this past year. Jeez.. at this rate, I'll forget about my own damn birthday on Thursday and when we go get new licenses in Kentucky on Friday, I'll screw up and still say that I'm 26. Oops. *sigh* Such is the stress of moving your life. Your brain goes into survival mode and you're left to forget all the rest... you know, like your name and stuff.

Contrary to what you may see here, I am not about all things dog lately. I'm doing other things, like packing boxes and cleaning and touching up paint on the walls and such. But I'd really rather just do all of it and get us out of here than sit here and tell you all the boring details. I'm much more of a do-er than a talker.

But the dog situation is the biggest thing on my mind lately. We've already decided that we're going to take him into the condo and let him live in the spare bathroom/storage room until he gets a little stronger. It's the only place without carpet and he really doesn't use any space right now anyway. He's still very weak and so all he really does is sleep and eat. He never seems to want to leave that big soft bed I made for him. I think he's just so genuinely grateful for having a place to rest, food to eat and people that spend time with him. He's even started wagging his tail when he sees Gypsy (though we keep their meetings brief, mostly because he's still fighting a cold/cough thing and she's being a prima donna about it and acts like he's all icky and stuff. Though she still gladly sniffs his peed-on newspaper and his butt. Go figure.)

As far as keeping him, it's still a big 'If'. If he's good with cats, if he's not territorial, if he can get along with Gypsy, if the condo isn't too horribly cramped already, if, if, if... etc etc etc. However, we are already very attached to him and I cannot imagine what it will feel like to spend the next couple of months rehabilitating, training and housebreaking him and then having to give him up. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Right now, the timing is all wrong and everything's crazy. (Big surprise there, huh?)

We do know that he needs a name really bad though. I'm horribly picky about naming my animals.. it has to be the perfect name or else. We tried Wrigley, but it sounds too much like Gypsy and it confuses her, so it's out. We've narrowed it down to some semi-finalists:

-- Dodger (as in the Artful Dodger because we found him on the highway, but I can't stand anything Dickens and besides, I'm a Sox fan. ;-)
-- Deuce, Reno, Vegas, Chance, Fortune, Lucky, Jackpot (all gambling words because of the whole odds-against-him thing.. we like Reno and Chance.. but Vegas is already a very famous cat.)
-- Gulliver (as in 'Gulliver's travels,' we like this one lots)
-- Oliver Twist (it's an appropriate character, but I feel like Oliver's been done to death already as a pet name and again, I really hate Dickens.)
-- Miles, Walker (back to the journey/traveler/highway theme again.)
-- Memphis, Indiana, Kentucky, Harrison (I always liked dogs that were named after places. These are Southern hound-dog type cities and Harrison is the county where we found him.)
-- Soldier, Trooper, Grunt (because he's been such a trooper and still has to work his way up the ladder.)
-- Marvel, Magic, Cosmo, Lazarus, Phoenix (because of the whole rejuvenation thing, but a little pompous, yes?)
-- Lurch, Grumbler, Cash (as in Johnny Cash), Satchmo (man, if you could only hear how much this dog grumbles and snores and carries on.. it's so low-pitched and gravelly, it's hysterical. At one point, I wanted to call him Tom Waits.)
-- CrackerJack, Mars, Orbit, Chiclet (going back to the candy/gum theme because that's what he was eating on the side of the highway)

Grrrr.. it gets so frustrating for me when I can't find the perfect name. All of my pets took weeks to name because I'm so damn picky about it. However, when I find the right name, it pays off because it works out perfectly in the end.

If you weren't sick of hearing about this dog already, you will be now. Know why? Yes, that's right. Pictures!

So this is what he looked like on Day 1 when I first found him and brought him home (after the vet visit).

Here he is on Day 4 (yesterday- J.'s birthday). Does it look like there's any change at all? I think I'm being too hard on myself because he's only gained about 2 pounds and it's only been a few days... but still I keep wondering if he shouldn't be gaining weight quicker than this. I guess it's a slow process.
His personality and his demeanor are both wonderful. I mean, really, how could I have ever said no to this face? Could you?*

Back to the madness, I guess. Next up, a shower, sorting through yard sale stuff and old stuffed animals and then some serious house-cleaning. So exciting! Don't you wish you were here? ;-)

* [yes, that is strictly a rhetorical question. please don't tell me I'm crazy and that you would've been able to say no. I'm already well aware of my Animal Sucker Factor, thanks.]

Go Shorty.. it's your berf-day

Hey, guess what?

Today's J.'s birthday!!!!!! (so go send him some love, yes?)

Happy birthday sweetie! I love you more than a big fat piece of chocolate cake! ;-) Smoochies!
Oh and... *pbbt! you're-older-than-meeeee! nah-nah-nah-boo-boo! *

(see? we're not really getting any older.. just starting our second childhoods...)

Dog Scoop (pun intended)

Again, read the previous posts in order to understand all of this.

Okay, so the full scoop on the dog. Here goes...

Our vet was really awesome. The cost still hurt us a little ($175 total), but he did most of the work for free and then on the stuff that was just too expensive to give for free, he did all at half-off. And he's letting us pay in installments which is great.
All tests came back fine. No heartworms, no debilitating diseases that require massive amounts of treatment. However, he was covered in ticks that were sucking him dry and making him anemic (hence his overwhelming fatigue) and he has a massive mess of intestinal parasites. Basically, he has numerous different worms - except heartworms - and this is why he's so horribly emaciated. Luckily for me, the worms are easily treated through 3 days of medication (Panacur) - he's already on day two - and he's also on some antibiotics for a cough/sniffle thing.
Everyone at the vet was overjoyed that I agreed to take him (though I still don't know if I'll be able to provide a permanent home for him yet). And they were all really pulling for him, even picking out a name for him during the day: Wrigley (because I mentioned that I found him eating a gum wrapper on the side of the highway). Heh... I don't know. I kind of like it.

So far, things are going okay. Even in the small space of 24 hours, he's already showing improvement. Yesterday when I brought him home and put him in our basement - to keep him away from our other animals and because he's not housebroken - he was too weak to even lift his head. Though whenever he would hear my voice or see me enter the room, he would somehow summon the strength to wag his tail. (Oh yes, I was hooked right there.)

But today, we were actually awakened by him - barking. Nothing horribly loud or disruptive, just small barks out of fear and loneliness. I think he was a little confused when he woke up and didn't remember where he was. But once J. went to check on him, he immediately became quiet and settled back down. So when I went down to give him breakfast, I was fully expecting to see him laying there weak and still as he had yesterday. To my surprise (and enjoyment) he got up and shakily walked over to me wagging his tail and anxious to see me. Over the course of one day, it's obvious that he's feeling better already.

The vet thinks he's 2 years old and is supposed to be somewhere around 40 pounds, but he's currently weighing in at only about 17 pounds. Damn. Could you imagine living your life and fending for yourself on the streets while weighing less than half of your ideal body weight? Shit. It's so scary for me sometimes when I pick him up or just absent-mindedly pet him while I'm talking to J. I'll be taking my hand down his head and then suddenly I feel bones and spine and pelvis and I just want to cry. But really, inside, I want to cry from joy more than sadness. Because he is so unbelievably grateful to me. As hungry as he is and as fast as he scarfs down his little meals (so fast that he throws up and then eats that as well), he will stop in the middle of it to come over to me and lick my hand before returning to his bowl. It's his little 'thank you' and I'm so happy for that gesture. It makes me feel ten times better.

Yeah, I don't know what we'll do with him, whether or not we'll be able to keep him. I know that we're moving in one week to a smaller place and that we have a million other things and expenses to take care of before then. But I do know that we're going to try and get him through this and then find him a really wonderful loving home. Maybe it will be ours, maybe it won't. Either way, if he makes it through this and gets to live a long happy life, I'll know it was all worth it. And that makes all the difference.

Doggy Dilemma Update

Read the previous post first in order to understand what's going on...

I'll add to this entry later with more details, but just so you know, this is what I'm dealing with.

I'll give you the entire details later and all the stuff from the vet visit. I haven't eaten all day and I'm getting a massive headache, so we're going to go get some food for us and Alpo for him tonight. But for now, let me just say that the prognosis is generally good (though I know it doesn't look like it from the photo). And also, his personality is absolutely wonderful and I've already grown quite attached... I don't know if that's good or bad. *sigh*

Doggy Dilemma

I had so many things I wanted to do today. But I can definitely say that none of them included finding an almost fully-emaciated dog on the side of the highway scrounging for nourishment in a chewing gum wrapper and limping from a leg injury while weaving in and out of highway traffic. I also certainly didn't plan on driving him the 90 minutes from where I found him to our local vet here (because I couldn't find any local shelters out in farm country where I was). And I sure as hell wasn't thinking of becoming so attached to him in the space of an hour-long drive that I named him Satchmo and decided I would pay for his highly-unlikely rehabilitation and initial testing costs.

What in the fuck have I just done? And why? Why can't I just be one of those people that says, 'Oh well, he's probably better off dead anyway,' and leave him on the side of the highway dodging cars? Why do I have to be such a sucker for all things animal? Shit, shit, shit.

We're moving into a 2-bedroom condo in one week. We've already lied about the number of cats we have. We've already decided that one of our cats will be placed at my mom's house in the country because he can't get along with the other 4 cats. We already have a wonderful dog that takes up a lot of our time. We have to put down a lot of money in the next week in order to replace J.'s commuter car that died. This place is a mess and the chaos never stops.

So why in the hell did I let the vet talk me into "the initial battery of tests"? I know he said he would do it for 1/2 off. I know that once the tests are done in a couple of hours, I'll know more and I shouldn't be overreacting right now to begin with. I understand that this dog may end up with a very poor prognosis and that I was crazy for not taking him to a shelter or animal control to begin with. But even if he ends up having to be euthanized, what then? How will I pay for all the tests and x-rays for a dog that's no longer living? And what if he turns out healthy, what then? Where in the hell is he going to live? God knows we can't keep him. And I honestly don't know anyone else that will take a dog right now. Pay hundreds of dollars for tests just to take him to a shelter? Yeah, right.

*sigh* What have I done? Did I even do a good thing? Was it even worth it? I know he sat in my lap during the whole drive and looked at me with the happiest brown eyes and wagging tail. I know he was happy to be taken off of that road. I know he was grateful to have someone to hold him when he was nasty-dirty and stinky and was still too weak to lift his own head or walk. I know he was thankful, I could see it in his eyes.

But why must I get suckered in so easily? And why must I be so damn optimistic and hopeful about it all the time? What in the hell is wrong with me? Have I lost my mind?

Q & A

So what do you like in an About page? Short and sweet or life story? Both in one?
How about a 100 things page? What do you want to see there? I'm redesigning some things around here and want to know your suggestions!

Ask me a question, any question. If it's private, drop me an email. If not, leave it in the comments. I'll try and answer it either on the About page or as a 100 things contribution. If it doesn't fit in either of those, I'll answer it here.

Come on, don't be a putz. You know you wanna...

I feel pretty.. oh so pretty

Remember this?
Remember these big ugly things?

Well, check out these bad boys. No blood, no ripped and mangled cuticles, no pain. Impressive, yes?

Don't ask me how or why. Don't even get me started on thinking about it. They're the longest they've ever been in nearly a decade (yes, that's long for me) and I don't want to start obsessing and ruin them again. My entire life is packed into a box right now. Chaos and insanity are around every corner, but somehow I am not mutilating myself in the name of anxiety lately. And for me, that is truly a blessing. Go me!

Participation Positives!

-- Summer classes are over baby!
-- And I'm getting tons of crap done now!
-- Our birthdays are at the end of this month! :-) and...
-- We'll possibly be going to Cedar Point to celebrate! :-D
-- We've been packing our asses off
-- And getting rid of LOTS of old stuff which means...
-- we'll be having a killer moving sale this Saturday which means...
-- money! ching-ching, baby!
-- Clearing out the old tarnished memories that come in boxes of useless old junk
-- Signing the lease on a new place that's closer to our budget and our daily destinations
-- Good music
-- A/C at home and in the car
-- Being totally vegetarian since July 1st (even though it's hard sometimes) and..
-- Feeling better and happier as a result
-- J. improvising new ways to cook our old recipes and...
-- being totally supportive and enjoying the change
-- Drinking organic milk and finding it yummy
-- Finding some local places that sell healthier pet food and..
-- Discovering that Gypsy and the cats all love the organic stuff better!
-- Having the courage to wear shorts more often :-)
-- Getting through summer classes!
-- Even though I didn't pass Animal Learning because of attendance, I'm doing okay with it and not being too hard on myself
-- Passing an awesome speech class that I really enjoyed!
-- Being told on my last speech grading sheet that I "have the gift" hee!
-- "Magnet and Steel" - Lindsey Buckingham with Matthew Sweet (love this version!)
-- J. ordering a great new cd off of my wishlist and surprising me with it today on our doorstep! hee!
-- J. ordering my Rolling Stone subscription again too! :-)
-- Redesigning both of our sites and being very satisfied with the results :-) (especially his, I'm actually a little jealous!)
-- Having the money for some much-needed vet appointments
-- Taking Gypsy to the vet on Friday and getting her normal shots plus a much needed anal sac expression (and it totally spattered everywhere too because they were fully swollen! ewww! heh heh.)
-- Gypsy getting a clean bill of health from the vet and lots of love from everyone there as usual
-- Learning that all I have to do for long trips is give her Benadryl instead of having to buy sedatives. yay, indeed.
-- Taking Buddy to the vet on Saturday for normal shots and..
-- the vet loving him as usual and just being amazed at his overall health and physique ("He's so great. He's like one big muscle.")
-- Getting good feedback about his FIV status ("He's basically the Magic Johnson of cats. He's got the virus, but he's perfectly healthy and he's going to live out a perfectly normal, long life.")
-- Getting some reassurance on our plan to release him down at my mom's in the country and being told that it would probably be better for him ("I think as healthy as he is, he would thrive out there.")
-- Feeling better about the whole thing as a result
-- Knowing that we do indeed have an awesome vet for our furbabies
-- Learning that switching to organic pet food is both healthier and maybe even cheaper than we had thought
-- Finding out that one of the only organic pet food stores in Kentucky is only 5 minutes from our new place...
-- As well as 2 different dog parks! :-)
-- Kicking serious butt on errands and to-do lists over the weekend
-- Enjoying silence at my mom's in the country, sitting in the swing, listening to crickets and "happy frogs," laughing with mom and Mike and watching as the dogs played - the best Saturday night we've had together in a long time
-- J. getting to keep his boat by storing it at mom's
-- Being able to spontaneously meet up with Dad and discuss the Neon situation
-- Deciding that a new car is in our future as a result and...
-- Actually having the money for a downpayment right now (truly miraculous!)
-- Laughing hysterically with Dad and Dave on Sunday
-- One more week until J.'s birthday!
-- 10 more days until my birthday!
-- A nice financial aid check that allows us to do it all
-- Only two more weeks until we leave Ohio
-- Learning that my blog might actually be okay during the move, despite my worries
-- Summer
-- Summer rainstorms
-- Wonderful weather - not too hot and not wet-blanket humid
-- Rolling with the punches, keeping my breath
-- Sleeping normal hours so I can keep my energy up
-- Seeing J. happily chip in lately and help when I get too overwhelmed
-- Snuggles in the morning
-- More hugs
-- Less hostility
-- New beginnings
-- Old friends
-- Embracing the new
-- Letting go of the old
-- Remembering who I am
-- Allowing her to come through and smile
-- I have food to eat and healthy water to drink
-- I have healthy lungs for breathing
-- I have a healthy body for packing and moving
-- I have happy and healthy kitties that love me and I love them
-- I have a great dog that loves me and I definitely love her too
-- I have the ability to change my life by making the big steps
-- I have someone that wants to make the changes with me
-- I have a family that makes me laugh - despite all the dysfunction
-- I have friends that never change - despite the distance
-- I have possibilities - despite the doubts
-- I have strength - despite the weaknesses
-- I have love - despite the bumps in the road
-- I have smiles - despite the rain
-- I have me
-- and that is just fine :-)

Weekend of Work

Don't you love it when you're in the middle of packing and moving and two weeks from your move-in date, one of your cars dies? Like, permanently? Yeah, me too!

Regardless, we're going to try and fix that problem within the next few days (while we have the money to do so: a rare occasion). However, we still got so much done this weekend. Naturally it was all the necessary to-do stuff, but at least we got it all done. And we managed to have some fun at my mom's and with my dad too over the weekend. Very spontaneous moments, but still fun nonetheless!

My mind's swirling and I'm exhausted, so I'm going to recap for my own purposes. This weekend's been such a blur that I don't want to feel like we've gotten nowhere in all this chaos come tomorrow morning:

Friday:
-- neon died, massive fit of anger, argument with J. - don't remember much after that (would rather forget it actually - stupid Synthroid makes me crazy)

Saturday:
-- much better, getting things done in a peaceful manner for a change
-- took Buddy to the vet for a great checkup, shots and heartworm preventative, talked to vet about idea of releasing him into the country atmosphere of mom's place and how it would affect his FIV status, vet loved the idea, encouraged it, ("He's such a great cat. He's like one massive muscle." and "He's basically the Magic Johnson of cats. He's going to live a long wonderful life. He's in great shape.")
-- Took Buddy back to the house, then off to Beechmont for U-Haul rental of pickup truck, Panera for lunch
-- Drive 1/2 hour to Kentucky where neon died in our new storage facility, stop at Autozone for tow rope, then back to storage facility for car
-- Attach neon to truck, maneuver our way out of the exit gate (rolling neon through in neutral so as not to set off security system), laugh hysterically while everyone gawks at us while towing the neon the next mile
-- Tow neon back to Autozone, get nowhere, realize it's dead, leave it there
-- Drive 45 minutes back to house, switch hitches on the truck, attach J.'s boat, fill up truck with stuff for mom's (gardening equipment, swing, etc), grab dog, head out for mom's
-- Drive 90 minutes to mom's place in the country, stop for pizza, get to mom's, eat pizza
-- Unload J.'s boat (with Mike's help) and all the junk from the back of the truck and assemble swing while trying to keep Gypsy from chasing snakes, barking at cows and running off into the woods simultaneously
-- Eventually Mom wakes up, we show her the swing, she enjoys it and we all sit outside and enjoy the silence of the Kentucky countryside while the dogs play in the grass (a small moment of peace for us that we really enjoyed this weekend - laughing with mom and J. outside while listening to crickets and bullfrogs - "Happy frogs" - tow-rope hand signals)
-- Listen to Mike call Sprint and royally bitch them out for still having no phone service - laughing in the background
-- Finally leave Mom's around 9:30 pm with very tired beagle in tow
-- Get home 90 minutes later, drop off beagle, switch out hitch again, exhausted but must have truck back before 7:30 am.. you'd better believe we're not getting up early on a Sunday
-- Drive back to Beechmont, drop off truck, come home, fall into bed barely conscious around 2am

Sunday:

-- Packing, sorting, packing, sorting, etc etc...
-- Call Dad back about neon, tell him if he can get it home, he can have the damn thing, he says he's on his way to Louisville anyway so he'll be up
-- Drive closeby looking at used car lots, trying to find a small truck to replace the neon
-- Get home, eating Skyline, dad calls, he's on his way to the neon
-- Pack a few more boxes, load up the car, head to meet dad and dave with the keys
-- 45 minutes later, arrive in KY and see Dad and Dave working on the car
-- Hang out with them forever trying to figure out car and laughing hysterically at dad and dave's antics as usual
-- Finally after 2 hours, we agree that it's a lost cause and head for Frisch's for dinner
-- Laugh over dinner and discuss car buying options and what to do with the neon
-- Dad and Dave head back to Eastern Kentucky after dinner, say goodbye
-- We head back to storage facility, unload boxes in a hurry trying to beat the rain
-- Stop at Meijer for cat litter, odds and ends and a phone card (our long distance isn't working suddenly)
-- Walk briskly through the parking lot, laughing as we slowly break into a run, but still get caught in the downpour by about 5 seconds
-- Stop by future landlord's house to pick up book of new condo rules, realize that they're not in the mailbox as planned, no one is home
-- Drive 45 minutes home, greet wildly excited attention-deprived dog
-- Packing boxes, etc etc.. realize we have no packing tape and still need crap because now J. will have my car and I will be stuck at the house. Bleh.
-- So... back to (the close-by) Meijer for odds and ends and then back home
-- Have soup and sandwiches and finally wind down after the weekend

So there you have it. I personally feel like I've run a freakin marathon already and I think my body is rejecting all this stress. My throat's sore, my sinuses are filled with gunk and now my voice is going out. Bleh.. moving sucks. Hope your weekend was much calmer than mine. I'm off to bed. Nite-nite.

Email Note

Okay, everyone. It's starting to be crunch time around here. We'll be packing like mad for the next week and then moving everything around whenever possible and basically just running around like headless chickens and whatnot.

Since I've never moved while having a blog/internet site before, I'm a little nervous about possibly losing any emails during the switchover. (We'll no longer be using roadrunner for our internet anymore, but Christine at Blogomania assures me things will be fine with my domain email [stazATdomainDOTorg], so thanks Christine for that fast reponse!). However, just to be safe, I'm not going to take any chances with losing emails or anything. So, until further notice, please use this email instead of this one. (Special thanks to Laura for that little gift. :-)

So you got that? Let's recap: Want Staz? Go here. Good!

Also, I'm not sure when exactly we'll be losing our current internet connection, so if my posts just suddenly stop and/or become very sporadic, you know why. However, I'm assured that we should be up and running in the new place by August 5th. Anyone have any special computer tips for a moving blogger? If so, I really do welcome them!

So basically this is just a heads up.. I'm not going anywhere. I'll still be around as long as I have internet. (Duh!) But yeah.. you know where to find me for now if you need to.

I meme because I love

I need some mindless entertainment tonight. I'm freakin exhausted and have apparently lost all ability to write a coherent entry that isn't laced with expletives or frazzled nerves. I mean really, I could sit here and list all 756,439 things that went wrong today, but I figure you've heard enough of that already.

So instead, here's a meme. I know it's exactly what you wanted to see. Right?

I...
I am: overwhelmed
I want: solitude
I have: too much crap
I wish: life got easier
I hate: negativity
I fear: stagnation
I hear: beautiful rain
I search: relentlessly
I regret: too much
I love: too little
I always: hold back
I am not: dainty
I dance: too seldom
I sing: all the time
I cry: rarely

YES or NO:
You keep a diary: What do you think you're reading?
You like to cook: vegetable lasagna with garlic bread
You have a secret you have not shared with anyone: Maybe

DO YOU...?
Have a crush: Eh.. maybe
Want to get married: Not currently
Get motion sickness: Sometimes..
You're a health freak: Not really
Current hair color: Dirty Blonde
Eye color: Green
Birthplace: Eastern Kentucky

FAVORITES
Number: 11 or 9
Color: Blue
Day: Saturday
Month: July or September
Songs: There's one for every day of the year really...
Season: Autumn
Drink: Iced Tea
Alcohol: None

PREFERENCES
Cuddle or make out: Cuddle
Chocolate milk or hot chocolate: Hot chocolate
Milk, dark, or white chocolate: Dark chocolate
Vanilla or chocolate: Vanilla

IN THE LAST 24 HRS, HAVE YOU...
Cried? Yes
Helped someone? Yes
Bought something? Yes
Gotten sick? No
Gone to the movies? No
Said 'I love you'?: No
Written a real letter: No
Talked to an ex?: Hell no
Missed an ex?: Again, Hell No
Written in a journal?: Yes
Had a serious talk?: Maybe..
Missed someone? Yes..myself.
Hugged someone? Yes

Theme Thursday - A new first for me

This week's theme: Cotton (in honor of Theme Thursday's two year birthday.)

The minute I began packing blankets and pillows, I knew they would become instant kitty beds before they ever even made it into a box. However, when I found this old soft cotton pillowcase last night, it became Jekyll's new favorite toy instead.

Despite all evidence to the contrary, she totally thinks she's hidden:

Ahhhh, kitties. May the wonders of their world never cease.

Moving Rant

This moving thing is absolutely making me crazy. It just seems like there are so many damn things to do, so much to pack and filter through, so many preparations to be made. I'm the kind of person that, when I get overwhelmed, I just shut down, tune out and do nothing. Case in point: Our entire house is so full of boxes right now that you can't really walk through the living room, dining room or office. They're all empty boxes just waiting to be filled. Yet, what am I doing? Sitting here, reading blogs like an obsessed fan and avoiding any actual work. It's not that I don't want to do it. It's just that I don't know where to begin or what to put where and I'm so scatterbrained about the whole thing that I just get overwhelmed and give up. I've made lists like crazy and still, it just seems like too much.

The thing that really sucks is that even though I could use some serious packing/moving help, I will have none. It will just be J. and I doing this entire move on our own. My entire family and friends would expect me to just drop everything and be there for their asses if they had to move on short notice. But when it comes to me and helping me out? All I get are whiny excuses, smart-ass remarks and flat-out laughter.
"Nah. I don't really want to move boxes up all those stairs." What? And I do?
"Yeah, right. [snort of laughter] I'm not really into moving. Let me know your new number though!" Thanks for your undying friendship, dick.

If you have a legitimate reason for not being able to chip in and help us out, that's fine. I completely understand. But if you just don't want to because of selfishness and laziness, then you can kiss my ass. Don't expect me to just drop any of my damn plans to come and help you out next time either like I usually do. Those days are over, my friend. I'll be there for you when you're there for me as well. That's what a friendship is - give and take. It is not a constant hand in Staz's Convenient Cookie Jar of Perpetual Ear-Lending and Ass-Saving, laying out there just for your benefit and yours only.

And don't even call me up when you haven't heard from me in a few days and say something like, "So what are you doing this weekend?" I'm moving, asshole. Remember? Maybe you were too busy sitting on your ass and making love to your reflection to notice.

I love my family and I love my friends, but this damn double standard that has gone on my entire life has got to stop. I am fucking sick and tired of being there for everyone else and yet having no one else to be there for me in return. I don't ask for that much from the people around me. All I have ever asked for is for people to return the same respect to me that I give to them. Apparently, I must've asked for too much... yet again.

Sorry about all the cussing. Like I've said before, I've got a temper and you don't want to be in my path when it hits. I could cut you like a knife with my words and "fuck" comes out of my mouth like carbon dioxide. It's totally not healthy but it makes me feel better to just say 'fuck' a lot when I'm mad.. and hungry, like I am now.

I'm very fucking hungry.

Added: Oh, now this is absolutely hysterical. Just what I needed really. Maybe it's not supposed to be funny, but I am having a damn good laugh.

News Story

Stories like this make me fucking sick. I've been a child in a physically abusive household. I know what it does to a woman's mind. I understand the entire trying-to-get-away-from-an-abusive-situation mindframe and how hard it is to save yourself from people like this, both mentally and legislatively... but three small kids? And fire? If all the neighbors knew about "unreported domestic violence" beforehand, why in the hell weren't the children placed elsewhere? At what point did someone finally decide to call the damn cops? I just feel like this could've been seriously prevented long before a complaint had to be filed.

My heart breaks for those kids today... and sends extended love to them and their families as well.

Test your friendship meddle

Think you know me pretty well, huh? Think you've got me all figured out, do you? Well let's just find out...

Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!

Go for it. I triple-dog dare you.

Kat got me started on this, so you can blame her. Of course, since I only scored a 70% on her quiz, I must post this out of 'horrible-friend' obligation. You understand. ;-)

Moving and other thoughts

Random scatterbrained thoughts before bed tonight:

-- Man, I had no idea that moving required so much shit. It's always been easy for me to move before. When you're just switching apartments or moving from a small place into a large house, it seems so much easier. There's a closet for all the needless junk you don't know what to do with and then you just go out and buy more crap in order to fill the extra space. When you're scaling down a house and trying to move back into a smaller place after living in one of these houses, it becomes an absolute nightmare.

-- What in the hell is this synthroid doing to me? Never in my life have I been so edgy on a daily basis. One minute I'm up, the next I'm exhausted, the next I'm so scatterbrained I can't form a sentence, the next I'm completely panicking about nothing, then I'm paranoid, then I'm screaming and ready to throw things for no reason, then I'm just tired and crying again. What the hell?

-- It's amazing how making lists can be like valium for my brain. Suddenly, the crazy jitters and chaos is gone and I'm actually tired.

-- Whoever decided to use oil-based paint on every wall in this old house was an asshole. I can't re-paint anything because it's already chipping and peeling off - especially since it was painted over with water-based paint to begin with by our stupid-ass landlady before we moved in. Grrr...

-- I had started a list of positives today and I was so excited about actually posting them on Monday, but seeing as how I've spent most of my evening working on J.'s site (redesign - go look, it's so pretty!), that's going to have to wait until tomorrow. That's okay.. I think I'll need that positive energy tomorrow anyway. I'm exhausted.

Nite-nite. ;-)

Movie Meme

The top 100 grossing films. Bold the ones you've seen. (again, stolen from Dara ;-)

1. Titanic (1997) $600,779,824
2. Star Wars (1977) $460,935,665
3. E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982) $434,949,459
4. Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999) $431,065,444
5. Spider-Man (2002) $403,706,375
6. Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, The (2003) $377,019,252 (I'm waiting until I finish re-reading all of these before seeing any of them.)
7. Passion of the Christ, The (2004) $370,025,697
8. Jurassic Park (1993)$356784,000
9. Shrek 2 (2004) $356,211,000
10. Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, The (2002) $340,478,898
11. Finding Nemo (2003) $339,714,367
12. Forrest Gump (1994) $329,691,196
13. Lion King, The (1994) $328,423,001
14. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001) $317,557,891
15. Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, The (2001) $313,837,577
16. Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002) $310,675,583
17. Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi (1983) $309,125,409
18. Independence Day (1996) $306,124,059
19. Pirates of the Caribbean (2003) $305,411,224
20. Sixth Sense, The (1999) $293,501,675
21. Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980) $290,158,751
22. Home Alone (1990) $285,761,243
23. Matrix Reloaded, The (2003) $281,492,479
24. Shrek (2001) $267,652,016 (still haven't seen this!)
25. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002) $261,970,615
26. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000) $260,031,035
27. Jaws (1975) $260,000,000 (love, love, looooove Jaws!)
28. Monsters, Inc. (2001) $255,870,172
29. Batman (1989) $251,188,924
30. Men in Black (1997) $250,147,615
31. Toy Story 2 (1999) $245,823,397
32. Bruce Almighty (2003) $242,589,580
33. Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) $242,374,454 (at the drive-in when I was 8, baby! Looooves me some Indy!)
34. Twister (1996) $241,700,000
35. My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002) $241,437,427
36. Ghost Busters (1984) $238,600,000
37. Beverly Hills Cop (1984) $234,760,500
38. Cast Away (2000) $233,630,478
39. Lost World: Jurassic Park, The (1997) $229,074,524
40. Signs (2002) $227,965,690
41. Rush Hour 2 (2001)$226,138,454
42. Mrs. Doubtfire (1993) $219,200,000
43. Ghost (1990) $217,631,306
44. Aladdin (1992) $217,350,219
45. Saving Private Ryan (1998) $216,119,491
46. Mission: Impossible II (2000) $215,397,307
47. X2 (2003) $214,948,780
48. Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002) $213,079,163
49. Back to the Future (1985) $210,609,762
50. Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999) $205,399,422
51. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991) $204,843,350
52. Exorcist, The (1973) $204,565,000
53. Mummy Returns, The (2001) $202,007,640
54. Armageddon (1998) $201,573,391
55. Gone with the Wind (1939) $198,655,278
56. Pearl Harbor (2001) $198,539,855
57. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989) $197,171,806
58. Toy Story (1995) $191,800,000
59. Men in Black II (2002) $190,418,803
60. Gladiator (2000) $187,670,866
61. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937) $184,925,485
62. Dances with Wolves (1990) $184,208,848
63. Batman Forever (1995) $184,031,112
64. Fugitive, The (1993) $183,875,760
65. Ocean's Eleven (2001) $183,405,771
66. What Women Want (2000) $182,805,123
67. Perfect Storm, The (2000) $182,618,434
68. Liar Liar (1997) $181,395,380
69. Grease (1978) $181,360,000
70. Jurassic Park III (2001) $181,166,115
71. Mission: Impossible (1996) $180,965,237
72. Planet of the Apes (2001) $180,011,740
73. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984) $179,870,271
74. Pretty Woman (1990) $178,406,268
75. Tootsie (1982) $177,200,000
76. Top Gun (1986) $176,781,728
77. There's Something About Mary (1998) $176,483,808
78. Ice Age (2002) $176,387,405
79. Crocodile Dundee (1986) $174,635,000
80. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992) $173,585,516
81. Elf (2003) $173,381,405
82. Air Force One (1997) $172,888,056
83. Rain Man (1988) $172,825,435
84. Apollo 13 (1995) $172,071,312
85. Matrix, The (1999) $171,383,253
86. Beauty and the Beast (1991) $171,301,428
87. Tarzan (1999) $171,085,177
88. Beautiful Mind, A (2001) $170,708,996
89. Chicago (2002) $170,684,505
90. Three Men and a Baby (1987) $167,780,960
91. Meet the Parents (2000) $166,225,040
92. Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991) $165,500,000
93. Hannibal (2001) $165,091,464
94. Catch Me If You Can (2002) $164,435,221
95. Big Daddy (1999) $163,479,795
96. Sound of Music, The (1965) $163,214,286
97. Batman Returns (1992) $162,831,698
98. Bug's Life, A (1998) $162,792,677
99. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004) $161,963,000
100. Waterboy, The (1998) $161,487,252

Memememememe - it's so fun to say, isn't it?

And now some yummy survey goodness, with special thanks to Dara.

y = yes, n = no, ? = can't remember

IN THE LAST 30 DAYS, HAVE YOU:
(y) made a wish
(n) tied your shoes
(n) eaten cake
(y) signed a contract
(n) made something explode
(n) directly and knowingly supported the pornography industry
(y) sent something through the US mail
(y) been very angry
(n) gone a day without eating
(y) stolen something you considered "insignificant" (ink pen from the bank)
(y) watched more than three different television shows
(y) prayed
(y) had a conversation that you considered very personally meaningful
(n) been intoxicated by any substance
(n) thrown up
(y) gotten paid
(n) gone a night without sleeping
(y) broken something you like by accident (we're moving, people! like that not's going to happen about 5 times a day)
(n) envied someone very strongly
(y) finished an artistic project
(n) hated
(y) made very loud noise
(y) made noise that was too loud
(y) given a thumbs up
(y) agreed to go out of state
(n) slept in a bed that is not, or has never been, your own
(?) sampled (up to interpretation) (whaaa?)
(y) listened to Pat Benatar's "Love Is a Battlefield"
(n) been drunk
(n) smoked pot
(y) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(n) rode in a taxi
(n) been dumped
(n) been fired
(y) been in a fight (argument)
(y) snuck out of your parent's house (when I was getting sick of their crap on the 4th, we snuck out while they were napping and went to the dog park ;-)
(y) broken the law (every day, I'm a leadfoot)
(n) made out with a stranger
(n) stole something from my job
(y) saw someone you haven't seen in years
(y) fibbed to a friend
(n) had a crush on a teacher
(n) been to europe
(n) been out of the country
(y) skipped school
(y) said something you regretted instantly
(y) read a good book
(y) tried something new
(n) broken your word
(y) ended up not doing what you planned to do
(y) cried
(y) kept your mouth shut in order to keep the peace

FIRSTS
First best friend: Tracy
First car: 1985 Ford Escort in Periwinkle Blue
First date: with S.M. to see Benny and Joon at age 16
First real kiss: S.M. (high school boyfriend/1st relationship)
First screen name: no clue
First self purchased album: Tori Amos - Under the Pink
First funeral: My Papa Den, when I was 10
First pets: Snowshoe (black cat with white paws) and King (beagle)
First piercing: ears when I was 8 (they never lasted though)
First credit card: The one J. got for me in his name so that I could rent a car and come see him while we were dating
First enemy: Stepmom #1 - Karen
First musician you remember hearing in your house: Bluegrass

LASTS:
Last cigarette: never
Last car ride: this morning
Last good cry: After the Over the Rhine concert in the car with J.
Last library book checked out: Martin Cruz Smith books for J. (we're rediscovering the magic of Cincy's downtown library lately)
Last movie seen: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Last beverage drank: water
Last food consumed: leftover Vegetable Lo Mein from last night
Last time showered: An hour ago
Last phone call received: J. calling from work
Last shoes worn: black 'round-the-house' sandals
Last cd played: Homemade mix cd that's currently playing
Last item bought: Gas in the car
Last annoyance: Being my mom's errand-girl
Last disappointment: Not getting much done over the weekend
Last time wanting to die: Spring of 2002 while attending UC
Last shirt worn: black v-neck
Last website visited: Yahoo news page
Last word you said: want
Last song you sang: My Love is Alive - Joan Osborne (cover)

CURRENTS:
Current mood: happy
Current music: Randy Newman - In America
Current taste: water
Current hair: down, wet, straight and clean
Current clothes: black v-neck and shorts (!)
Current annoyance(s): nothing really :-)
Current longing: Vacation by the sea
Current desktop picture: This one from the always awesome Kate.net
Current book(s): Pads for Pets by Elizabeth Quinn
Current color of toenails: nude but longing for some nice red
Current hate: No hate for me today, thanks.

QUESTIONS:
What is in your cd player?: Mix cd
What color socks are you wearing?: It's 89 degrees outside with 78% humidity. You think I'm wearing socks?
What color underwear are you wearing?: blue
What's under your bed?: collapsed cardboard boxes and lots of cat hair
What time did you wake up today?: 3pm (yes, late night)

Surprise, surprise.. the memory blog's been updated. View it at your own leisure.. or not. It's entirely up to you.

New Lease

We signed the lease today. We'll be officially moving into a condo in Northern Kentucky on August 1st. Strange, to be leaving behind a home that we've created here in this old dilapidated house for the past 3 years. Granted, the new place is $200 cheaper than our current place and it will be only 5 minutes from the school so I will be saving boatloads of gas and commute time every day. J. will be saving some commute time as well, but considering that we're going to have to replace his commuter car soon, it might backfire on us financially for a bit at first. Oh yeah.. and we're basically gutting this place and trying for all new furniture/electronics/decor in the new one. Like I said, finances might still be tight... but at least we'll be able to finish my last year of school in some sort of organized fashion. No more state lines that fuck up my tuition assessment. No more paying taxes for two different states and 157 different counties and townships. No more pissy Cincinnati suburbanites. I swear, crossing that Kentucky state line is like walking into another dimension. People smile at you. They relax when they talk. They don't regard you as a lesser being on a daily basis. Still, we've grown sick of this entire area and we can't wait to finish the school-crap, ditch this part of the country and move away to a city that has some sort of vibrancy to it. The complacency factor in this town can absolutely suffocate you. This last year is going to be strange and exhilirating all at the same time.

One year. Where will I be then? Who will be there with me? And, most importantly, how often will I be smiling?

Spidey Senses Jealousy

Spidey 2 fucking rocked! I never liked Dr. Octavius because he was always so incredibly violent that it gave me nightmares as a kid. The way he turned out on film scared the living shit out of me... but naturally I loved every minute of it. Very, very well done.

One final thought before bed: Why can't I ever be MJ, dammit? Please? Just once? I mean really.. Peter Parker and me? Awesome match. Just awesome. We could save the world with a kick-ass soundtrack and everything. *sigh* In another life, Tobey. Another life...

^%*&$#^%$*$*&@@!!!!!!!!!

Okay, how in the fuck do I get that damn banner/description tag out of my damn photo-banner up there? I don't want it there and I'll be damned if I can figure out where it's hiding after all the changes I've made.
(A little calmer now. Figured it out, I think.)

Also, how in the hell do I change the font size on the "summer breeze" line? Anyone? I really wanted to be proud of this design, but dammit, it's just pissing me off right now!
(Nope, still haven't figured that one out. Could use some help there, thanks.)

One more thing though.. those of you with larger-sized monitors, can you tell me how the pictures look at the top? On my little 600x800 screen, it's not looking too hot, but then again, that's not what I designed it for. Just let me know if you can see both of my legs in that one shot and the description in the middle shot, etc etc etc...

Grrrr. Why must you be a damn computer wiz to figure out a blog template? Shouldn't it be much easier for everyone or am I just crazy there?

Update: I've fixed most of the issues (except for that pesky "summer breeze" line, I still can't figure out what little piece of code is missing to make that a smaller size). And even though the pictures aren't coming through very well (too much tweaking with photo programs = too fuzzy and too sharp, dummy)... I have to say that I like it. It's kind of my ode to laid-back blue skies, summer grass and chocolate. Can't beat that combo, right? ;-) Let me know what you think!

Lazy Summer

This isn't done yet, guys.. but I'm horribly tired and must go to bed. You understand.

V is for Veggie

I have had no beef or pork since New Year's Eve. Today, I have been completely vegetarian for one week (since I gave my speech on factory farms last Thursday). We have 2 new cartons of skim organic milk in our refrigerator and after learning more about pet food products and what goes into them, I am researching some alternative brands of pet food to feed to our little furry ones.

There was a time when I literally ate greasy, nasty fast food three times a day and it made up my entire diet. There was a time when I thought I wasn't a good "animal lover" because I didn't act radical and spout my views on animal rights to anyone that would listen like the members of PETA do.

It took a lot of events, research and time to get me here. I can't tell you what exactly fueled it. I can't tell you that it was any single event. There were just so many little things that literally seemed to add up and guide me to this lifestyle:

-- Sitting at Subway, crashing from hunger and getting ready to eat my beloved meatball sub... only to crunch down on pieces of bone, one after another and wanting to cry so bad.
-- Sitting in my car at a KFC drive-thru, having a good day and running late for class as usual... then stopping to order another beloved treat, the honey-bbq sandwich, only to bite down on something hard, pull up the bun and see a 3-inch chicken leg bone lying on top of my chicken completely uncooked. I was nauseous for hours and had nightmares for days afterwards.
-- Driving through downtown towards the library (on a high after my successful factory farm speech) wondering if I could really ever be completely vegetarian, wondering if I could really make such a radical change when I can't stand tofu and don't know the first damn thing about cooking veggie-friendly recipes... then stopping at a red light, looking to my left and seeing a giant image of a lady hugging a cow in a green pasture. I moved a few inches forward to see the rest of the image, only to realize it was a gigantic billboard ad for an organic milk and dairy product line... available at our local grocery store. I laughed and I laughed. Rarely does a message come so clear for me and I found it hilarious.

I never thought I would be able to make the commitments that I have. I never thought that I would become one of those "radical" animal activists that doesn't eat meat. But you know what else? I never thought I'd like it so much either. People will attach a stigma to me when I say I'm vegetarian. They'll call me a liberal hippie and say that I care more about animals than I do people. They'll think that I'm one of those "crazy die-hard liberals" that votes democratic in every election, whether the candidate deserves to be president or not. That's fine. My family won't take me seriously either and they'll all laugh and roll their eyes and still throw bacon into the green beans at Thanksgiving, thinking that I am going through "just another fad." That's fine too.

But just so you know, I've never felt more sure and more dedicated to anything like this in a long, long time. Call me what you will. I don't care. I'm going to live the way I want and make the decisions that make me feel better about myself and I don't care what you think. Eat meat all you want. I won't call you names and make you feel guilty. I won't tell you that you can no longer be my friend. I won't tell you that 'meat is murder.' I won't tell you all that shit that you expect me to say just because you have labled me a so-called "radical." I know that steak is good and so is chicken. If you want to eat it, go ahead. I really don't mind. That's your choice and you're entitled to it. But remember, I am entitled to my choices as well.

If it's too difficult for you to comprehend or support my new choice and you feel that you must call me a "radical" in order to define me and make yourself feel better, then you just go ahead. That's fine with me.
I guess complacency was just never really my thing anyway... and I'm fine with that, too.

Rylie Renae

Say hello to Rylie Renae. My new niece, born on the 4th of July to my baby sister. (In that photo, she's opening her eyes for the first time minutes after birth and looking at her Auntie Staz.) Yes, my sister's only seventeen. Yes, her and her husband have lots to learn about life yet. But still.. despite it all, I'm proud of my sister for getting through the scariness and the pain and I'm happy to have witnessed the birth of this new little life that I get to be a part of forever. I never thought I'd feel this way, and it may change yet with time. But I was there and I'll never forget it and neither will my sister. Welcome to the world, little girl. There's so much still to see.

Born on the 4th of July

My sister was born on New Year's Day in 1987. Today, she was checked into the hospital a week early at 4am with labor pains. We've been guaranteed that she's going to have a 4th of July baby.

It's a strange feeling to stand in the same room with your one-time abuser (ex-stepmom) and then watch the only link you have in common lie in a narrow delivery bed and shake from contractions at the age of seventeen. You never know if that chain of abuse will continue. You just know that all of a sudden you can't wait for this baby to get here, because somehow, despite yourself... you know that you're going to love it just the same.

It's amazing how when I looked into her scared eyes and hugged her, all I could see was the big brown eyes of my father and all that I could remember was looking into those eyes fourteen years ago, full of smiles as she covered herself in the messy delight of her first Oreo cookie.
It's funny how life doesn't always go like you'd planned and in doing so, brings you its own special kind of freedom.

Happy Independence Day indeed.

Little Things - but all good, baby

Pissy Professors

I curse a lot when I'm mad. Deal with it.

It really pisses me off when someone's pissy remark ruins my entire day. So granted, I haven't been to my boring-as-shit Animal Learning class for nearly a week (mostly because I have been busting ass on my speech and on getting this house ready for an inspection). I've been busy and preoccupied with other things and frankly, that class is teaching me nothing that I haven't already learned in my other beginning level psych classes. You know, if you make your class that fucking boring, just lecture and exam, lecture and exam all the time in complete monotone with no bathroom breaks for two hours.. well, then don't be surprised when people stop showing up.

I'm not excusing myself for skipping classes. I fully understand that it's an issue with me. I schedule most of my classes in one large block back-to-back because of this. However, if I show up for your class and you have a problem with my attendance, does that somehow then give you the right to embarrass and belittle me in front of everyone else in the fucking class?

When I show up for what I thought was a normal class session and it turns out to be an exam date (because the date was changed while I was gone).. that does not then give you the fucking right to shout out to me very loudly in front of everyone, "Hey Staz, still with us?!" And then fucking laugh to yourself because you think you are so goddamn funny.

And when I answer with "Yeah, I had bronchitis all week. Sorry." Whether you believe my excuse or not, that still does not give you the right to then exclaim again in front of everyone, "Well, hope you can still keep up with us!"

Listen, motherfucker. I have a lot of people to please on a daily basis. I have a landlady that is being un-fucking-believable right now and is forcing me to pack my entire life into boxes a month ahead of time. I have other professors that expect things of me as well. I have a family, a life, a heart and feelings. So excuse me if your shit-boring class that covers the basics of every other goddamn entry level psych class and doesn't challenge me in the slightest is not #1 on my list of priorities right now. You are not a god and I am not your fucking gimp. Just because you teach a requirement entry-level class does not give you the right to belittle students publicly and make them feel inferior to you as a grown adult and as a college professor.

So why don't you just shut your fucking piehole and keep your damn passive-aggressive-power-trip-remarks to yourself? And by the way, that exam grade? It's not a typo. Open your eyes. I missed your class for a week-and-a-half and I still got a fucking B.

Kiss my ass.

Marlon Brando

Holy crap! Marlon Brando just died. I don't know what to say about this just yet. Damn... this sucks.

Grrrr.

You know what? Professors that use public embarassment and intimidation tactics in order to prove a point really piss me off.