Burlap Soul

To put it mildly, our New Year's sucked. Well, okay.. I can't really say that because it did have some nice moments and I did get these.

But it certainly wasn't what we had in mind. Since Halloween, we've been looking forward to just unwinding with some old friends in Detroit after all of our usual holiday traveling and chaos. It's our anniversary and we really miss our friends in Michigan so we were excited about the possibility of an awesome party. We went out and bought new clothes for the party and gifts for each other and imagined all the fun we'd have while we celebrated our 5-year anniversary with friends for the weekend and then we were all ready to head out for Detroit, when wonder of wonders - the wheel bearings busted on our car. Luckily, it was in the parking lot and no one was hurt, but still.. I was in a bit of a rage for a good 2 or 3 hours. I mean, what are the fucking odds? I don't handle changes in (much anticipated) plans very well. On top of that, J. now has a full-blown upper respiratory infection and has been confined to bed for the next 3 days. On NYE, he could barely speak without wincing from the massive throat pain. Currently he is doped up on prescription cough syrup and anitibiotics and lying in bed trying desperately not to swallow.

Today we also learned that the guy that looked at our car wants nearly $600 to fix two freakin' wheel bearings. WhatEVER. I'll be enlisting my dad's help and doing it myself, thankyouverymuch. It's always pissed me off when mechanics try to rip me off because they assume that as a girl, I don't know shit about cars. But then I also love blowing their asses away, when as a girl, I punch holes in everything they tell me because A) my father is a kick-ass mechanic and I could basically diagnose your car if I had to and B) I'm a smartass that gets perverse joy out of using my brain to beat sexists.

I'm off topic though. Where was I going? Oh hell.. who knows. Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone for the New Year's wishes. I hope that your NYE was nice and enjoyable, despite any obstacles. May we all have a wonderful 2005.

I did this last year, but this is one that could always be fun at the end of the year. Your answers will always change. Enjoy. :-)

Oh for the days you've tangled around me

The way you wrapped yourself within my psyche
The way you twisted your heart within mine
The way you took my memories and made them shine

The way we walked together and then apart
The way we wandered near and then far
The way we seem to argue ourselves into circles
The way we seem to love each other over hurdles

The way life shines within me when I am free
The way darkness overcomes you when I am chained
The way life has given me your love and taken my shame

Oh for these 1,827 days that you have dumped at my feet

The way you have given me your all and left me to find the meaning
The way you have given me the meaning and left me to find my self
The way you have hugged me when I have been nothing but pure hell

The way we have tangled and tangled and tangled again

Head over heart over hands over feet
Strength over Heartache over You over Me
Words coming out into a string of twisted symphony
That's the way it feels when you are near me

Crescendos that cannot be defined but are still vaguely in tune
Sounds of old pianos in a strange and beautiful picture show
Comfortable silence that is held with a knowing smile - chanting only

Fermata... Fermata... Fermata

Those notes you have wrapped around me in five years
Going up so so so so so so so so high and then crashing in the same day
Only to be picked up after a key change and a rest
Balancing each other's bass with a hefty treble cleft

Are we in 4/4 time or a 3/4 waltz?
Are you leading or am I?
No matter how we do it, we are still

Dancing Dancing Dancing
Always always dancing

How do you measure something such as this?
How do you rate a love only by the number of years it has endured?
What is time but a demonstration of the life we have lived?
What is love but a demonstration of the heart we can give?

I could have loved you for a day and been completely fulfilled
I could have lost you for a minute and been utterly destitute

Time is nothing but a means of organizing our memories
Time is everything that a watch cannot and should not measure

Oh for the days you have tangled around me
So many that I cannot find my way out
Such beautiful yarn full of blood and smiles and growth and laughter
I would not want to leave such an enchanting web as this

Life will come and Life will go
You and me - our souls will flow
Electricity will keep us guessing
Reciprocity will find us kissing

Oh for the days you have wrapped around me
So much that I would never dream to leave
A whole lot of honey with just a little bit of tea
Eternity has never tasted so wonderfully sweet to me

I made this list of memorable points nights ago about our entire holiday chaos, but then it became modified into a list of positives because I realized that I am never going to have the time to clarify any of these. So consider this list half-Christmas Recap and half-Positives. Ask me questions if you want any of them clarified. Enjoy...

Hope you like the new look. It's a photo I took while we were driving through central Kentucky headed to see my family for the holidays. There was the most amazing and spectacular ice storm and all the trees were frozen and looked like sparkling glass. It's just one of those events where you wish you could stop time and get lost in nature so that you never forget how beautiful this very day was. That's why I'm sharing it with you here.

This was designed on my little archaic 600x800 monitor, so it will probably look weird to those of you with bigger screens. If you have a small computer like me however, just use your Full Screen view for the full effect. It's a simple design, but I like it a lot because it reminds me so much of home. Have a lovely day all... Nite-nite.

Rasee makes a wonderfully valid point. Go. Read. Think. Do. Now.

What is it about authority figures? What is it about faculty? Why am I so unbelievably nervous and scared shitless when I have to talk to these people? Up until now, I was fine. I had rested throughout the break and for the first time in months, I was feeling like myself again. Not flying off the handle, not losing my temper, trying not to rage and scream and yell as much as I normally do.

Yet here I am today. All I had to do was drive over to the school and see if a professor was in her office to sign a form for me. Yet still I flustered and tripped over my words, saw the same professors that make me anxious as hell and walked out of there in a comletely different mindset. Once again, I am the 5 year old that is desperately afraid of asking to go to the bathroom. Once again, I am the girl that will never be good enough. Once again, my face burns and my skin turns red and I know that everyone is staring at me, laughing at me and wondering why I am bothering them again. Once again, I am the insecure girl that is never as good as the other kids and never will be.

J. made an interesting point a few weeks ago when I found out that I was going to have to take the same statistics lab class for a 3rd time and I was unbelievably depressed and almost suicidal. He said, "I think school is actually making you depressed and that's not right. You have to decide if you want this bad enough to sacrifice your health and your sanity."

The thing is that yes, I do want it. I just don't want to always have to feel as though I am never good enough for anyone in that department because I flunked a class twice or because I've decided not to go to graduate school like everyone else in psychology does. I'm not a star student. I'm not a suck-up. I bust my ass for the C's I get and I'm damn proud to even get them. Every single one of my professors are doctors who have written massive articles in huge scientific journals. How in the hell am I supposed to match up to that? And what in the hell does it matter if I do?

Hey, that last one was my 500th entry! Woohoo! I feel so... behind.

After looking at this new design on a bigger monitor at school, I moved the background image to the left so that those of you with bigger monitors can see the links and such in the sidebar. Let me know if things are still difficult to see. I can't guarantee that I'll know how to fix it, but I would at least like to know.

Also, I finally got registered into my class for the most part. Ironically, I didn't even have to deal with faculty, just a cool assistant that showed me pictures of her dogs in Halloween costumes and made me laugh. It's strange how I'm starting to get a reputation for being the 'animal girl.' There have been a few occasions where professors or other students will come up to me and ask about their dogs' excessive chewing or whatever. I can't wait to get my dog training certification. I really, really love helping people relate to their pets. It's one of those things that I always feel I was meant to do, so I never seem to get sick of it. Cool. :-)

So many things to say and yet such little time and energy to say them. When I'm not in school I have this insane urge to cram 100 blog entries into a week's time. God forbid I should waste this gift of do-nothing time.

I could tell you about how I gave J.'s blog a nice new look with my own photo and how I really like its simplicity, but that my ultimate reward is the way he smiles when he sees it.

I could tell you about how much I am starting to fall completely in love with Jonatha Brooke and how much I am loving my new cd and this old one that I found in a discount book store last week and how it's been the only thing I've listened to at all these past few days and I'm still discovering it all every day.

I could tell you about how hard I've been working to learn to sew on a machine and how it feels so weird to actually be doing it all on my own. A family full of extremely talented seamstresses and I'm starting to feel as though that handing down of talent will not stop with me after all.

I could sit here and recount the entire story of how I pulled it out of the box last night and only 2 hours later sewed a little dorky 2x2 inch pouch and cried with joy because I was so unbelievably proud of myself.

I could tell you about how I was so shocked with myself when I figured out how to thread the bobbin and hook up the machine all on my own without any fits of anger and how I actually learned to laugh - laugh - at the mistakes I made in the process. Oh, what shock!

I could tell you about how much it upsets me that Gypsy has not been the same since she returned from the kennel and how it hurts me to see that she's not the same happy dog she used to be beforehand, how much it scares me that she growls more often, plays less and refuses to leave my side.

Or, I could just tell you that I'm tired and all the things I wanted to write about will just have to wait until some other day because I need to start tearing myself away from the computer and preparing for another semester of schedules and early wake-up calls.

Though I couldn't just leave it like this of course. I'd have to end this by telling you about how my mom stopped by to see my sewing progress and within 10 minutes, she had coached me enough to make this:

Apparently, after only 5 hours of sleep and endless weird dreams, my brain has some things to unload.

Nothing catastrophic. Just lots of swirling, swirling thoughts. I never know how to organize the madness in my brain sometimes, but I feel that just listing randomness with bullets gets old after a while too. There was a time when I could write a really coherent and long entry without even thinking about it. I still can when I'm upset. But lately, it seems as though everything must be organized by blurbs and bullets in order for me to not veer off and lose sight of my original topic.

This is my space though and I'm realizing just how grateful I am for it. Last night, there was a massive attack on Hosting Matters and consequently Blogomania and my little refuge became inaccessible for nearly 4 hours - at least it was 4 hours before I just gave up and went to bed. It's strange how much I panicked. It's one thing to know that your site is there but not be able to see it from home because you don't have internet or you screwed up the code somewhere while you were fucking around. It's another thing to pull up your site and just see a blank page that says 'Action Canceled.' Three years of my life - just gone! Poof! Oh shit, I am a technological idiot! What will I dooooo? [panic-panic-panic]

So perhaps I am a bit of a drama queen at times, but I am working harder on curbing that just a little. I've been trying very hard to not lose my temper so much and get physical about things. So many times, I've been known to slam a cabinet door or throw things when I get really upset. It's like that initial physical feeling of being angry goes into immediate rage - and when it gets to that rage point, I no longer have control over my body. I've been trying harder to breathe in that split second when I feel it coming and think ahead and realize that it doesn't solve anything to get physical. My body will become very warm, my face flushed and I can feel my hands starting to clench. It's such a stupid thing to have a temper like that and I honestly don't know where I got it. Either way, it's what I'm left with and controlling it becomes my problem.

I'm quickly realizing that this might just be the best Christmas present ever.

Of course, the animals might disagree with me on that and say that it's this instead.

Either way, one begat the other and I'm satisfied that they're satisfied. If I can swing it somehow, I'm seriously thinking of making my graduation dress. I've already picked out a pattern. :-)

Oh yeah.. I was in the middle of doing this last night when the servers went down. Now it's completely irrelevant, but it's a meme, so we make exceptions.

Friday's Feast:

Appetizer - Have you been sick yet this winter? If so, what did you come down with? I'm not discussing this for fear of upsetting the gods and becoming, well.. sick.

Soup - What colors dominate your closet? Blue, black, blue, grey, purple, blue... um, blue.

Salad - How would you describe your personal "comfort zone"? Respect me and I'll respect you. But dude, if you have bad breath, do not even fucking talk to me until you have brushed. That is something that I just cannot tolerate.

Main Course - On which reality show would you really like to be a contestant? I hate all reality television - all of it. Though if I had to pick, it would be MotorMouth. I talk to myself a lot in the car and would love to see how they edit it to make me look like the craziest chick on the planet.

Dessert - Which holiday would you consider to be your favorite? Does anyone not know this already? Halloween, hands down.

Enjoy your weekend. It promises to be even more rainy and gloomy here and we're expecting even more flooding. Woohoo! The Ohio River rocks!

I've been wondering what I should do with those 20-some-odd nifty prizes I've received from my stellar crane machine talents. Now I know.

I'm in. Are you?

When I was a child, there was this series of childrens' books that I absolutely adored. I knew all of the characters and had almost every single book in the series. Every year on my birthday, I would receive the newest ones in the series and they became my favorite presents - despite everything else that was wrapped up on the kitchen table.

Sweet Pickles were more than just books to me though. The characters, the streets, the businesses, they were all were my extended family. As a child, I learned to read in order to escape the pain of my reality. I sunk my nose in a book every chance I got not only because it was a welcome respite from the physical arguments, chaos and insults of an abusive life, but because when I was reading, I was quiet and therefore 'out of trouble.' Books became my haven at a very early age.

Sweet Pickles was different though. They were full of actual characters that were like me or at least I had friends that were just as annoying as 'Kidding Kangaroo' or as hurtful as 'Accusing Alligator.' I was a child of poverty and therefore, an easy victim of bullies and elementary school insults. But when I would read my Sweet Pickles books, I got to pretend that I was as smart as my favorite character 'Clever Camel' or as confident as 'Zany Zebra.'

The most special thing about these books for me was the back covers. Every one had a map of the town and each character's house was labeled. It was an incredibly intricate map that was so realistic, I often got lost in there. I would follow the stories and trace each characters' route on the maps. I promised myself that someday I would move to Sweet Pickles and everything would be different. I wouldn't be yelled at in front of everyone at the store for small, stupid reasons. I wouldn't be constantly told to shut up, sit down and leave everyone else alone. I wouldn't be told that my mother didn't love me anymore and that I wasn't allowed to even call her mommy when my new stepmother was around. I wouldn't be told that I was nothing, worthless and stupid. In Sweet Pickles, I would be me and if I wanted to talk a lot, it would be okay. Even 'Yakkity Yak' talked more than anyone I knew and everyone still loved him.

I'm feeling a little out of sorts today from my sleep patterns being all messed up lately. So I give you memes. Wee!

Currently here in Cincinnati, it is a lovely 65 degrees. You wouldn't believe it in the middle of January, but it seriously feels like the beginning of Spring outside. The sun isn't out yet and it's still wet and overcast and we're still under what seems to be a constant floodwatch, but you wouldn't know by the temperature in here. People are out on their porches, sitting in chairs and talking, cleaning out their rugs, as if it's time for spring cleaning again. We have our sliding glass door open and the windows are open too. The kitties are soaking up that fresh air and Gypsy is sacked out at my feet. We walked all the way around the condo complex for nearly an hour, taking trails and walking alongside the creeks and woods. Dandelions are actually starting to pop up in the grass, unaware of this cruel trick of Mother Nature.

Friday it's supposed to be back down in the 20s again and windy and cold and - you guessed it - wet. Typical Cincinnati winter. Wet as hell and winds of ice that cut you in half. But today is wonderful and I think it's something we all needed. I do not kid you when I say that it has not stopped raining here since Christmas. Seriously. I would expect this kind of weather in March, but not January. Flooding all over the rivers, huge mudslides in California, nonstop blizzards in Nevada, massively destructive tsunamis in Asia. I don't think I'm alone when I watch the news at night and think, 'what the hell is going on?'

But today? Today, for me, is very very nice and I'll cherish it as it comes. It could really be so, so much worse.

This one is a little long, but there are some questions at the end that I would really like some feedback on if you wouldn't mind.

It would be appropriate to say that I am on a sort of 'spiritual quest' right now. Though I'm preferring to call it more of a 'spiritual evolution.' (Boy, there's a phrase that would piss some people off, huh?)

The truth is that I've been thinking about this for a long time. I believe there is something, but I don't know what it is or what form it takes. I like structure in my religion, ceremonies, rituals that are symbolic of something greater. Not "now we will do this and then we will do this because this is the way it was done 500 years ago and that's that so stop asking questions." I've always found a certain dogma about religions and so have avoided them for the better part of the last 15 years. However, I also don't like swinging to the total opposite side of that spectrum and sitting in a ceremony that doesn't want to offend anyone or anything and has no structure whatsoever.

As usual, Julia's latest entry is one of the best damn things I've read in a long time.

Which reminds me, if I want to start having any real fun in life, I've got to get some new best friends.

Things that are making me happy today:

-- Email from J. just saying 'I love you'
-- It's paydayyyyy!!!!
-- Having a very cool conversation with Dr. G (head of the psych dept) today and feeling as though he respects me as a student and a person - very cool
-- Consequently after that, having a very cool q & a session with the registrar about some post-graduate scholastic plans and walking away hopeful if not fully excited
-- Discovering Photoshop in Digital Photo I and feeling my creative horizon blow wide open
-- Though it would be so easy to skip some of the classes I'm in, I've gone a full week without doing so and feel great about it (trust me, that's huge!)
-- It's Friday, it's cold but it's sunny for the 1st time weeks, it's actually not raining, and I feel very very good!

Lo and behold, not only does the photolog have a new look, but it's actually been updated - with real live photos.

Like, woah.

-- I slept for 12 hours last night. Oh Yes.
-- No school today in honor of a legend.
-- Payday weekends - where we get out of the house and spend money - ahhhh.
-- Getting my car back after nearly 3 weeks of being without it!!! (I cannot tell you how happy that makes me. I do not do so well without my transportation)
-- Finally buying my little flash drive so that I can do all of my stats/photoshop assignments at school and not have to deal with anymore stupid Mac/PC conversion crap
-- Now that I have my car back, I can get busy sending stuff for the Warm Fuzzies Project - something that makes me very happy
-- Watching Napoleon Dynamite with my mom and Mike down at her house over the weekend and laughing hysterically
-- J. starts his new job a week from today - bittersweet but good
-- J. installed the new memory we got for Christmas and our computer no longer starts smoking when switching screens - speed! woohoo!
-- I'm so excited about finally getting into photoshop in my digital photo class and...
-- have been feeling extra creative about my photos again as a result
-- The photolog being updated with a new snazzy look that I really like and having a nice new entry to boot
-- Gypsy finally getting to the mudpit dog park this weekend and having such a blast
-- Us playing with a Shiba Inu that rocked our socks while we were there
-- Stopping at Target last night only to find out that they now have this awesome collection!! So my dreams of making our bedroom an Indian paradise can now be accomplished without taking out a 2nd mortgage :-D
-- Having a sewing machine so that I make my own breezy drapes out of Indian fabric - and Asian silk for the office window - without breaking the bank
-- Tonight or tomorrow, J. and I will finally be able to sit down and watch Garden State - something I've wanted to see for a while
-- Getting two dr.'s office type chairs from my mom that are really nice and then learning that the kitties have quickly claimed them
-- Being able to do so much homework online this semester and turn everything in via internet - very convenient and not so much printing (we're charged for every page we print at my school now and it's a royal pain in the ass)
-- No rain for nearly 3 days and even though we've had about an inch of snow, there's been nothing but sunshine!
-- The very real possibility that after graduation is over, I may be working full-time and attending school part-time so that I can get a 2nd Bachelor's degree in Photography within another year - oh hell yes! You have no idea how excited that makes me!
-- Having chinese food leftovers from one of my favorite local places waiting for me in the fridge today
-- Drinking more water, eating less junk food, cutting back on sweets - looks like I've lost about 20 pounds since the summer - (though that could be a mix of better eating habits and thyroid medication - I'm finally starting to lose the extra weight that hypothyroidism put on me)
-- Sleeping beagles in the office sunbeam
-- Sleeping kitties next to me when I wake up
-- The way Jekyll knocks over obstacles to come and lick my nose when I'm sitting on the toilet - every. single. morning.
-- J. for changing froggy's water and doing all the dishes for me last night when I didn't feel well
-- Talking to the guy at Petsmart last night and discovering that Froggy's life expectancy is about 10 years - holy crap! He's only middle-aged!
-- Jonatha Brooke's 'Charming' - love that song
-- Tori has a new album coming out next month and I'm already excited (duh)
-- I have happy and healthy animals that love me and I love them
-- I have food to eat and clean water to drink
-- I have healthy lungs for breathing
-- I have family that are just as twisted as me when it comes to humor
-- I have J. - who tries to always remind himself of what's important regardless of what's going on around us
-- I have a place that I like coming home to everyday
-- Every day I overcome a new obstacle to get to who I am going to be
-- And I find that fantastic :-)

Shelby told me that she loves photos of Gypsy and that I shouldn't feel guilty for taking the amount of animal photos that I do. So this one is just for her.

Beware: Extreme Cuteness Factor ahead. You may want to avert your eyes.

For the life of me, I cannot figure out why anyone would ever decide that a book must be banned. Not only is it one of the most pompous acts of asinine ignorance imaginable, but it personally makes me want to scream. Freedom of the press is there for a reason and if my kid wants to bring home The Anarchists' Cookbook, that's fine with me. I would hope that somewhere along the way, I had the parental balls to teach him or her not to do half the shit that's in that book, rather than just blaming it on the book itself and not allowing the book into my house. If you only knew the shit that I brought home without my parents' knowledge. The Anarchists' Cookbook was mild compared to some of the crap that I hid in my bookbag and passed to my friends during lunch. A big group of us actually got detention once for reading The Satanic Verses in a giggly huddle during study hall. I don't regret any controversial book I've read, nor do I think anyone else should. Even if they were the most overhyped pieces of shit ever, I still learned something valuable every time. No matter what anyone says, in the end it's just a book. Whether you want to read it or take it seriously or burn it, that's still your decision and it should still be up to you.

You know what happened when people told me I wasn't allowed to read a particular book? I wanted to read it that much more and practically bribed people to let me see the damn thing.

Duh. You tell kids that they can't have something and you'd better bet your ass that they'll be finding a way to do it anyway just to spite you or strictly because you told them not to. At least I did. Hell, I'm still that way. You know how J. gets me to help out with the dishes? By betting me that I won't do them. I'm a rebellious punk that way and don't like to be told how, why or when I'm supposed to do something. Perhaps that is why I am not at all surprised to find that nearly every book I read in childhood that was one of my favorites is on the Banned Books List of the 90s. Ironically, I read most of them way before 1990 and didn't come out as a psychopath, but ended up well-read and open minded. Imagine that.

the 100 most frequently challenged books of 1990-2000:
(Found over at Christine's. The ones I have read are in bold.)

Okay, so maybe that's not the real title, but it's what I'm affectionately calling this one, stolen from Laura:

There are some times when I can totally relive every moment, every dinner, every single place that we have loved each other.

It will strike me with complete clarity and I will remember every detail. Today, it was the Chinese restaurant. I can still taste that special tea in the tiny cups and know exactly how many sugar packets you like to add (3) and then feel your leg brush against my leg as we bump elbows and comment on the red walls and amazing chandelier. I love how you refill my cup even before I ask. How you always give me your mushrooms and water chestnuts and how you will always eat my peppers. I can hear the timbre of your voice as we talk our talk silently and connected so that no one else can hear. I love how we have always sat on the same side in every booth we've been in since March of 2000. I love how angry you got when we went to Bucca di Beppo and they wouldn't let us sit on the same side and were rude to us for even asking. I love that we haven't gone back there because of that one experience, how we quietly rebel against those that don't let us love each other in restaurants as they are our favorite places to touch. I love how you get slightly disappointed when we are seated at a table instead of a booth and then how you will pull your chair really close to mine and annoy every waiter that has to walk around your chair just so that you can be close to me. I love how you always reach for my hand while we discuss the menu and then kiss my forehead right when I lay my head on your shoulder, as if on cue. I love how I can always bend my head ever so slightly and you will still kiss my forehead in mid-sentence, every single time, without thinking. I love how you still ask for permission to kiss me. I love how complete you look when you make me laugh. I love how you brush my hair aside when I'm laying on the pillow and how you still look at me after five years of togetherness and act as though you are truly just seeing me again for the first time.

I love how well you know me, yet how much "Love" remains unknown. I love how every place we go becomes our place. I love how I can choose to remain open to you for days on end and wake up without any scars from my choices. I love that beside every old worry line on my forehead, there is now a new laugh line in my heart. I love how, day after day, I can stand at your counter and trade all my old dull memories for new shiny ones. I love how every day with you is an adventure in letting go.

I felt like vamping it up a little around here. Hope you like it. Let me know if the link/font colors are difficult to see.

And because I'm tired and don't feel like recounting the past week - which was good, but still exhausting - here are some memes that might just tell you what my week was like anyway. Except you know, I wouldn't have to think or write or anything. Score.

Because I am always a day late and a dollar short, I give you my Photo Friday submission on Saturday. The topic for this week is 'Crowded.'

Johnny Carson has died. I cannot tell you how weird this feels and frankly, how much it just sucks. Johnny Carson was a huge part of my childhood and I loved him endlessly. Saturday Night Live was one thing, but Carson was always another. Even as a kid, it seemed that I was always welcome in his house, that we were all just regular people with funny stories to tell. I loved that about him and I have to say that some of the best moments I had with my father growing up were when we were watching The Tonight Show laughing hysterically. Personally, I think Jay Leno sucks and I can't even stand to watch the man perform, but then again.. how do you follow someone so great to begin with? To this day, every single late night talk show host that comes up will be constantly compared to Johnny Carson - as they should be. He had a certain class about him that just seems to be gone nowadays. I love Letterman, but I'll always miss Johnny's style.

It feels as though I have just lost a very dear childhood friend, as though a chunk of our generation's past is now gone forever. You'll be missed Johnny... very very much.

It's a rarity when I am so emotionally touched that I feel like crying. But somehow, he has done it to me many, many times in the past five years.

And somehow, I still love him for it.

-- Mom stopped by today and brought me a dog sweater that she had bought for Gypsy
-- It looked hysterical and we had a good laugh while torturing her in it
-- Hanging out with mom later in the seventh ring of hell Walmart and..
-- learning more about different fabrics and looking at patterns for things that I might actually be able to sew
-- Trying on some hilarious Easter hats with mom and laughing hysterically
-- Laughing more with mom about how the nasty brand of organic hot dogs looked like 'really old used dildos' and giggling in the produce aisle when an elderly couple looked as us all shocked
-- Getting some homework done today in the digital photo lab and trying my best to stay on top of assignments without skipping class and half-assing my homework this semester like I usually do
-- Taking Gypsy to the dog park today for nearly an hour and watching her thoroughly make an ass of herself while circling an English Bulldog puppy like mad
-- Being only 5 minutes from the dog park and..
-- having a few hours of sunshine in order to enjoy it in the middle of January
-- A purring Raven on my lap
-- Laughing when the kitties touch noses only to shock the shit out of each other at night and create sparks in the dark
-- Even though I was all pissed that Ghost had peed on my brand new winter coat last week, I was so happy when it washed right out so easily
-- Now whenever I breathe deep into my collar, it smells like 'Spring Rain' detergent
-- J. starts his new job today and so far, has really loved it
-- They even prepared a nice new cubicle for him with a little t-shirt - hee
-- Hearing him so happy, like a little kid with a new car
-- Knowing that when he leaves work at 5, he will be home by 5:30 instead of 7pm
-- No more 90 minute commute = more time together during daylight = woohoo!
-- Taking some really nice shots of a local cemetary last Friday and really liking the photos thus far
-- Dusting off my old Canon and playing with film again - awesome
-- Having the money to pay our cell phone bill is very refreshing
-- Sunday with J. in which we discuss our new plan of no-engagement-just-set-a-date and...
-- trying on rings with an actual non-obnoxious saleslady in the mall and...
-- actually finding a bridal set that I liked that looked really nice on me - very rare indeed! (I usually can't stand girly-looking jewelry)
-- J. figuring out what size his ring finger is and then trying on some very cool looking bands and...
-- me realizing that he looks damn handsome with a wedding band on, like it's supposed to be there - hee
-- My surprise when instead of picking the smallest band imaginable, he looked right at me and said "I like the 5mm!" :-)
-- Our conversation later when we got home and discussed how much everything costs and how sad he was about it all - and then our better conversation about how much we want it and how much he wants to make me his wife this year right-this-very-minute - I've never felt so loved
-- I am so very glad to have found someone like him
-- Through all of our arguments and faults, we have somehow come out okay and more respectful and loving with each other...
-- and I love that most of all
-- J. exchanging the video card he got for Christmas and then getting a free upgrade because the original gift didn't work - oh the games we can play now!
-- I am feeling much more empowered and happy lately and I think it's because I'm back in photography and feeling my oats again
-- It could also be because I am graduating in May (according to my little counter over on the left, that is only 103 days away - wow)
-- Talking to my best friend Pasty on the phone the other night and trying desperately to arrange a trip up here for her soon
-- I have food to eat and clean water to drink
-- I have a warm roof over my head in subzero temperatures
-- I have a little family full of warm furry heaters and J. to keep me warm under the covers on cold, cold nights
-- I am doing okay in my last semester of school and not slacking off like I usually do in the winter
-- I haven't had any beef or pork for over a year and I've been vegetarian for nearly 6 months
-- I still love it and feel as though it's one of the best decisions I ever made - it has brought me a great deal of peace
-- I have this wonderful little condo that really feels like home to me
-- I'm broke but I'm happy
-- We have hopes, we have dreams, we have new doors on the horizon..
-- and that is truly a wonderful, wonderful thing

Passed to me from Rasee:

Random 10 (Winamp shuffle):

1. Tori Amos - Sleeps With Butterflies (preview of the new cd downloaded legally from the website, thankyouverymuch)
2. The Donnas - Take It Off
3. Frank Sinatra - Fly Me to the Moon
4. Ray Charles - Drown in My Own Tears
5. Azure Ray - Sleep
6. They Might Be Giants - Man It's So Loud in Here
7. Theme Song to 3-2-1 Contact
8. Over the Rhine - Everyman's Daughter
9. Tori Amos - Mountain
10. Leonard Cohen - The Future

1. What is the total amount of music files on your computer?
There was a time when nearly 90% of our hard drive was music files, but I've been keeping them burned onto data cds for about the past year - so very very little.

2. The last CD you bought is:
Jonatha Brooke - Back in the Circus

3. What is the song you last listened to before this message?
Tori Amos - Mountain

4. Write down five songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you.
This changes every week with me...
David Wilcox - All My Life (special meaning for me and J.)
The Jayhawks - All the Right Reasons (another special one for us)
Over the Rhine - Jesus in New Orleans
Tori Amos - Virginia
Jonatha Brooke - Charming

5. Who are you gonna pass this stick to (three persons and why)?
Shelby - because I'm curious
Kat - because I'm curious
Jess - because I know she's got tons of music on that new toy of hers ;-)

Update:

Just for CyberJazzDaddy, I'm posting the 3-2-1 Contact theme here for a short time. Even if you don't recognize the name of the song, you might remember the show from the theme song. To this day, I still find myself humming it whenever I'm counting backwards. Amazing how old childhood stuff stays in your head for so long.

Sorry. Took it down. Your loss. ;-)

So many things swirling around in my tired, tired head tonight. Assignments and projects out the wazoo, my growing disgust with the insanely cold temperatures we've been having lately, the general lack of personal time that comes with being back in school, the other Really Big Thing that isn't quite ready to be shared here yet, the constant neediness of the animals, the growing cabin fever that's making me crazy, the general lack of time and focus and concentration that's becoming more and more common nowadays, the general annoyances with money, the good things that I never seem to take the time to share like I should, all the things I wanted to say to the people that never got a holiday card from me but should've, the overwhelming sense of burnout I have from taking care of six very-bored-and-cabin-fevered animals everyday, the fact that some days I feel like the Carpet Stain Detective instead of an animal lover, the fact that a lot of the time on here I never tell some of you how much you mean to me and how much I consider you my very best friends, the fact that I know that I am full of promises that I don't keep, the fact that I will be finally graduating college in less than 100 days and still have no idea what in the hell I want to do with my life, the neverending clutter that is this condo, the fact that that clutter drives me fucking crazy and makes it very hard for me to concentrate, the fact that for as many ideas as I have there is not enough money to buy all the shelves and cabinets it would take to clean it all up, the fact that things are actually looking very optimistic for us lately but I'm just so tired that I can't seem to enjoy it as I should, the fact that for every single one of these facts that I type it does not convey what I am feeling nor does it erase my tiredness and scattered thoughts.

*sigh* Here's to Friday.

Since it seems that I am not in the best of moods today and have been unbelievably tired lately, I haven't posted much substance this week. I'm in serious need of a chiropractor visit, considering A) that I have a 23 year old serious neck injury that's never been treated and B) that lately it's getting so bad I walk around with constant neck pain while playing Migraine Roulette as a result of this weird stiffness and/or pain. I would also love a serious massage as I have this massive Knot 'O' Tension at the base of my neck that gives me great problems and has been doing so for years. Enough about my ailments though. It's Payday Friday which is like double chocolate cake after weeks like this, so we are off for Chinese food and a trip to Barnes & Noble. Enjoy your own little Friday's Feast on me.

Appetizer - If you could have a free subscription to any magazine, which one would you like to have? Rolling Stone - because I love reading it, but don't think it's worth what they charge for it and Esquire - because I love reading it and think it is worth way more than they charge for it.

Soup - If you were to suddenly become famous, what would you choose as your stage name? Annastazia? Oooh, no wait. Annastazia Carmichael. Hee hee hee.. that's good. You can add Carmichael to anything and it immediately sounds aristocratic.

Salad - What ingredients make an awesome salad? Dressing? Croutons? I don't know. I hate salad. I've never liked raw produce in any form since I was a kid.

Main Course - What do you like most about your current job? All the time off. Get it? Heh, yeah I'm feeling the cheese tonight.

Dessert - Who is your favorite instrumental musician (not a singer)? I've always liked Marty Friedman's work because it's such relaxing and ethereal stuff and you would never know that he was also the guitarist for Megadeth.

Have a great weekend, all.

It's no secret around here that we are often flat broke on any given day. We might have the occasional dinner out if we're lucky, but for the most part, we struggle to get from paycheck to paycheck.

So, with that said, can you guess what in the world we just bought that costs this much money?

Go ahead. Figure it out.

*tick, tock, tick, tock*

Okay.. I guess if you really don't know the answer, I could just show you this instead.