Burlap Soul

*sigh* It seems that I have so many things to do at school that coming here and actually responding to comments and emails becomes a luxury. So instead, I sit and read blogs and re-read comments and entries without saying a word, wondering to myself, "When did I have the time to say so much?"

School seems to take the words right out of me. Ironic, isn't it?

Things I've done these past two weeks that I never thought I'd do ever:

Wonder about whether or not certain family members would be offended by us dancing to Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye

Try to figure out exactly how much liquor our combined families can drink in a four hour period

Try to find a shatterproof tiara that would fit a 20 pound beagle

Things I've done these past two weeks that I thought maybe I might do someday but would certainly never enjoy them like I have been:

Decide on hot pink/magenta for our only real 'wedding color' and then enjoy the prospect of seeing my tomboy best friend in a deep fuschia dress - he he

The whole business of planning a wedding and picking a place and daydreaming about our special day

The prospect of wearing a wedding band

Things I've wanted to do forever and finally got the chance to do:

Get Windows 2000 installed at home so that I could finally download iTunes! Oh. Hell. Yes.

Try on a diamond in the store and then actually be able to say, "We'll take this one" for the first time in 5 years.

Things I'm enjoying entirely too much:

Thinking of the fun I'll have by torturing my family with a vegetarian menu at the wedding (Mwua-ha-ha-ha-haaaaa!)

Finding the perfect pair of diamond-encrusted sneakers to wear under my dress

Things I'm realizing that I didn't necessarily want to realize:

Even the smallest simplest wedding is going to cost a whole heaping shitload of money

Things that are making me happy that I didn't think would make me happy:

Keeping everything a secret from my family thus far and telling no one in real life yet - only you bloggers know what's going on. ;-) Everyone else finds out at my graduation party in May.

J. sending me an email picture of the exact shade of my favorite flower and a little note that said, "Only 212 more days!"

And oh yeah.. We're getting married! Like, ohmygod! I feel like such a girl!

Woah.

This doesn't surprise me at all.

I haven't been in the best of places the past couple of days. It's easy to get excited about a wedding when all you're seeing in your mind is flowing bridal gowns, outdoor gardens in summer with all of your friends and family nearby and an amazing party afterward that you customized with your personal music tastes.

But in my heart, I feel both simultaneously glad and scared shitless. It has nothing to do with J. I'm relieved to finally be able to marry him. It's more about the entire concept of marriage. It scares the living hell out of me. Both of my parents have been divorced at least 3 times a piece and both of them are now on their 4th and 5th marriages, respectively. I've never known what a good marriage consists of. I've never seen anyone last and still love each other after 25 years in a healthy and respectful way. In my family, the general motto was 'you can always get divorced.' My dad even joked to me once about if I ever got married, "I'll pay for the first one. After that, you're on your own." Yeah, it was a funny joke, but god, how fucked up is that?

Originally posted in draft mode on January 26 (the day after we bought the ring and picked a date) - I am laughing now but still find this to be completely relevant and refreshing when everything becomes a little too overwhelming. That's why I'm posting it here - to remember how to put my feet on the ground and laugh out loud.

Why am I so absolutely obsessing about this? Why is my brain going into overload so unbelievably?

I can't concentrate at school. I can't think at home. I can't even sleep without dreaming about all the lists that need to be made, even though I made a pact with myself to just book the place, book the date, and do nothing else until after graduation.

What the hell?

It's so easy to get caught up in all the madness and daydreaming, to look only at that one day of your life and then just stop planning for anything that comes after that.

I don't want to be one of those brides. Hell, I don't even like the term 'bride' anymore. I keep reading these things about 'have bridesmaid #2 fluff up your dress while bridesmaid #3 makes sure everything is ironed'..

Bullshit!

I want to get married at sunset with an oriental lily in my hair.
I want to say 'I do' with a glowing red sunset behind us.
I want to see J. in a tux and I want to see his eyes when I walk down the aisle.
I want to know that I am not going to be paying for this wedding for the next 10 years of my life.
I want to know that we planned everything to suit us, not to suit everyone else.
I want to dance with him at our reception while looking into each other's eyes and hearing Ella sing 'Someone to watch over me.'
I want to dance with him under the stars that night and feel as if we are the only people there.
I want everyone to relax and have fun instead of worrying about ceremony and timing.
I want that first night of our honeymoon to be the most beautiful night ever.
I want to wear rings that will sparkle and dazzle us even when we are 65.
I want to know that everything is going to fall into place because it's not about the wedding - it's about us and our marriage.
I want to play the music that we love, not the stuff that we hear everyday on the radio.
I want everyone to step into our world for a day without forcing us to live only in theirs.
I want to say 'I do' on a beautiful Kentucky hill that overlooks this city that we have called home for the past 4 years.
I want to know that everyone had a great time and enjoyed themselves long after the ceremony was over.
I want to know that this is about how much we love each other, not about how much money is in our bank account.
I want to see everyone have good food and drink and know that it's not costing me 4-digits to do so.
I want to know that he will still love me, even when the credit card bills roll in.
I want to know that my family will chip in and help, but will not require me to have their wedding.
I want a priest that will not tell me I cannot marry him because I've never confessed to a priest.
I want to get married because we love each other and have worked hard to get to this point, not because someone's version of God decided it was okay for a 'sinner' like me to marry a 'good Catholic' like him.
I want to know that if it rains, I will laugh.
I want to know that I will not be watching the Weather Channel 24/7.
I want to know that going to the gynecologist and overcoming my fear and hatred of pelvic exams will be worth it on my honeymoon.
I want to know that going on birth control for the first time in my life will not make me fucking crazy.
I want to know that if people do not RSVP, I will not kill them.
I want to see everyone drink Bourbon and Kahlua and know that it was special for us to see both North and South at the bar.
I want to know that I will not bitch if my shoes are too tight.
I want to know that if I get a zit, I will not die.
I want to know that for as pretty and as expensive as our dessert might look on the table, it's still just a cake.
I want to know that if people roll their eyes at my hot pink lipstick, I will still feel beautiful.
I want to know that we will love each other regardless of where and when we say it.
I want to know that this is just one day that we are doing for us and no one else.
I want to know that if everything goes to shit, we will still be happy doing it in blue jeans in front of Elvis.

There's a new little entry over in the Photoblog where you can see my first baby steps into Photoshop CS and my newest assignment for my Digital Photo I class. Nothing spectacular, but I'm proud of it nonetheless. Enjoy...

Well, today was interesting. After realizing that my assignment for digital photo (that's due tomorrow) will not work properly and will just generally look like shit unless I can fix it tonight, I came home a little late from class. Upon pulling into the parking space in front of our building, my phone immediately rang. My mom works the 5am - Noon shift at a huge department store chain closeby and will sometimes stop by after work to visit with me. I haven't seen her in about 2 weeks, so when she asked to stop by I said, "Sure!" all excited and jubilant.

Her response: "Okay, I'll be there in a couple of minutes."
My reponse: "Okay. Bye."

Typical enough conversation. I grabbed my backpack and started to climb out of the car at a leisurely pace, wondering about whether or not I should take Gypsy out right away or wait until mom gets here.. blah blah blah - until I stopped dead in my tracks in the parking lot and realized one small thing.

We haven't told anyone about the wedding. We have no intention of spilling any beans to anyone until May. Immediately, my brain threw up a mental image of the office - a messy spread of wedding magazines on the floor, lists of wedding websites all over the desk, three separate notebooks with extensive wedding notes, my brand new hot pink shoes that I found the other night that I'm seriously considering wearing in the ceremony. Then my brain threw me the real clencher : the freaking guest list laying out on the kitchen table.

You've never seen a girl unlock a building door, run up three flights of stairs and then unlock an apartment door so damn fast in your life.

Not to mention the mad dash to erase all signs of an impending wedding while four cats and a beagle run and hide under the beds eyeballing your crazy behavior with wide eyes full of intense fear. Magazines upon magazines, notebooks upon notebooks, slips of paper here and there all suddenly crammed into the office closet and even half the shit we've done in the past two weeks frantically rubbed off the dry erase board on the fridge. All within a space of 90 seconds.

At the last minute, just as I heard her car pull into the parking lot, I looked around and tried to control my breathing pretending that I hadn't been doing anything insane at all and looked over at the kitchen table. Guest list? Check, hidden in the closet. Brochures for venues? Check, hidden in the desk drawer. Then, just as the door buzzer rang and I jumped so damn high as I always do (it's so freakin' loud!), I noticed that one all-too-important thing that could totally screw me over but that I hadn't even thought about before. I ran to the intercom to hit the 'door open' button and on my way, I stuffed that receipt for the engagement ring in my pocket so damn fast I took off half the cuticles on my left hand.

I am the Queen of Secrets.

To the chauvenistic asshole in Autozone that called me "honey" when I asked him for a set of plug wires for an '89 Ford truck and then after that actually suggested I might be looking for 'spark plugs' in a seriously slow and enunciated way as if they were a new commodity that I hadn't yet heard of and the whole plug wires thing was just some crazy concept that I surely hadn't grasped correctly:

Fucking bite me. From my experience on the other end of your 'help line' you don't know jack about cars and shouldn't even be fucking working here.

Oh, and you'll have to pardon me if I somehow just didn't seem as courteous as you had expected. Sometimes when I forget to straighten my apron and adjust the strap on my high heels, it can make my pearls seem slightly askew and well frankly, that just fucking pisses me off.

Hey boys and girls, let me tell you a great way to spend 24 hours. First, go to your favorite local Italian restaurant for dinner and have a wonderful entree. Then about 5 hours later, when you're lying in bed thinking about the wonderful leftovers you'll get to eat for lunch tomorrow, try and get unbelievably nauseous! Woohoo!

Then at about 4am, get up and run really damn fast to the bathroom only to stand in front of the toilet totally torn about which end is going to go over the bowl first. Yeah! Then spend the rest of the day repeating those steps diligently. I promise that you'll have so much fun, your belly will still be hurting 24 hours later and your bowels will just shake like jelly at the mere mention of food!

Hey, didn't I tell you? Fun times!

Things that spin around in your head
A line of song, a photo of a bed
Will that be the lyric I quote in our vows?
Will that be the bed where I give in to my skin?

Pictures of us after five years and I feel nothing
Ironically it doesn't worry me as I am used to it
It has nothing to do with love or emotion
It is not meanness or a lack of feeling
Rather it is the amazing ability that I have learned so well
To shut myself off and tell the world to go to hell

I sit quietly and wonder if this new smile is a good one
Pouring emotions into a computer screen instead of coming undone
There is a new peace that has come over me
A new calm that scares my inner drama queen
She says that you are doing what you always said you were too independent to do
Yet I am telling her that maybe I want it so Toodle. Ooodle. Ooo.

I feel my selves coming apart at the seems
Like a good tear in an old muscle that needed to be redeemed
Learning to use that part of me that sat so lonely and atrophied
Learning to atrophy that part of me that was so loud she was crazy

With J.'s blessing, I finally just spilled the beans to my mom. I was getting so sick of trying so desperately to hide everything from BridalRama this weekend and cleaning like mad whenever she stops by. I mean, she always calls first and I appreciate that, but inevitably there was going to come a point when I couldn't get home fast enough to do proper damage control, so I just said 'fuck it' and called J. at work. We both agreed that it was fine because we're desperate for some advice and yet we still can't ask anyone for it because of this secrecy thing that we're so worried about.

However, Mom just left and already I'm wishing I hadn't said a damn word. Not only because it strips us of a certain 'special secret' feeling that we had going, but because she is already telling me that my choices are nuts. My mom is never the kind of person to rain on your parade or be demanding about things, but she is so damn independent (who'd have guessed?) that she's already saying things like, "Hot pink? Well, I'm not wearing a hot pink dress. I want peach!"

Shit. Shit. Shit. Should've just kept my freakin' mouth shut.

I don't want this to strip us of the enthusiasm we've had and I feel like it's already doing just that. I know that my mom will be sworn to secrecy and I trust her (mostly) not to tell anyone else in my family, but if this turns into a 'what everybody else wants' party, then you can guaran-damn-tee that we will indeed run to Vegas and call the whole damn thing off. That independent thinking thing? Yeah, I inherited too and you can bet that I will use it if I need to.

This is supposed to be fun. This is supposed to be about us and our love. This is a celebration of the things that we like and it's going to be our wedding, like it or not. And dammit, if we want to put Crow and Servo on our cake, then so be it. You can kiss my nerdy sci-fi loving ass. It's how we met for crying out loud!

Party? Yes. Classy? Yes. Fun? Yes.
Stressful and full of demands that we have everyone else's wedding? Oh hell no.

There's a new entry over at the photoblog, mostly because it was sucking up too much space over here for some reason and I had to move it. Nothing special. Just my little tribute to the Westminster Dog Show.

Beagle lovers, take note. This one's just for you. ;-)

Because I started getting loaded with trackback spam, I decided to shut off trackbacks and pings of all kinds the other day. Now can someone please explain to me why when I publish now, my entries will not show up unless I allow pings? What the fuck is that about?

Grrrr... fucking spammers. Why do they have to make everything such a damn pain in the ass? Seriously, what is the damn point?

Appetizer - Name 2 things you do that you consider beneficial to your health.
Vegetarianism. Nothing deep-fried, not much pop at all (that's 'soda' to some of you), and olive oil instead of grease or butter.

Soup - If you made a New Year's resolution, how's it going so far?
No fast food and cut back on sweets - so far, so good. Though I've been lax with the sweets part this past week - hormones, you know.

Salad - Name something that has happened lately that bothers you.
Every possible wedding venue in the entire tri-state area either being booked for the rest of the year or charging an insane amount of money for something that looks like a run-down backyard.

Main Course - What is your favorite quote, and who said it?
So many of these really... The first two that come to mind:
"No matter how much I care, some people are just assholes." - Anonymous (I think)
"Never hold hands with a jumper." - Jimmy the Bartender

Dessert - What do you collect?
Garfield memorabilia, hippos, black cats for Halloween and Snowmen (and women) and penguins for Winter.

And on that note, we are off to visit family in Eastern Kentucky this weekend. Have a good one.

Another little time-killer, stolen from Rasee. (Bold the ones that are true for you, meaning that if it's not in bold, you've done it.)

Small things because I cannot seem to find any really cohesive sentences tonight, just random unrelated thoughts scattered about on the floor.

iTunes survey

How many total songs? Well, seeing as how we just now got iTunes and I haven't yet figured out how to import all the files from my hard drive, right now it is only 25 songs.

Sort by Song Title
First: All at Sea - Jamie Cullum
Last: When I'm 64 - Connie Evingson (oh my goodness, how that version kicks ass! J. and I are seriously considering paying to learn a good tango for that one at our wedding.. it's that good.)

Sort by Time
First: 2:07 Sleepwalk - Santo and Johnny
Last: 5:29 She talks to Angels - Black Crowes

Sort by Album
First: Breathe (2am) (single) - Anna Nalick
Last: Twentysomething - Jamie Cullum

Sort by Artist
First: Al Green - I'd Still Choose You
Last: Tori Amos - Snow Cherries From France

Top Ten Most Played Songs
1. Tori Amos - Angels
2. Ray Charles - Hallelujah (I love her so)
3. Prince - Musicology
4. Norah Jones - Sunrise
5. Ray Charles - Night Time (is the right time)
6. Shivaree - Good Night Moon
7. Alanis Morrissette - Everything
8. Patty Griffin - One Big Love
9. Jem - Save Me
10. Al Green - I'd Still Choose You

Find "sex," how many songs show up?
0 (again, I just started this thing)

Find "death," how many songs show up?
0 (see above)

Find "love," how many songs show up?
3

(Stolen from Shelby.)

I AM: sultry
I WANT: a month off to just sleep in late
I HAVE: the new Tori cd - oh hell yes!
I WISH: I were healthier
I HATE: animal cruelty and suffering
I MISS: performing
I FEAR: settling for an ordinary life
I HEAR: Tori's new cd ("Hoochie Woman" = ohmygodohmygodohmygod)
I SEARCH: endlessly
I WONDER: why, always why
I REGRET: nothing that shouldn't be erased anyway
I LOVE: being a woman
I ACHE: in the knees
I AM NOT: defineable
I DANCE: always
I SING: with conviction
I CRY: rarely
I AM NOT ALWAYS: smart
I WRITE: like liquid
I CONFUSE: love and lust
I TASTE: like sour honey
I NEED: to be wild

Hmmm.... what an interesting tool. Found this over at Jess' place and I just wanted to post it here so that I could use it.

Who Links Here?

Update: Woah. Why in the fuck are there so many weird-ass sites on the internet that just have random links to me at the bottom of their page? What the hell?

*sigh* I have no words tonight. It's late and yet again, I've thrown my 'sensible bedtime' right out the damn window. Plus, I'm exhausted from playing basketball with my mom earlier today (which was fun and funny as hell), but now my right hip and knee are getting more and more agitated. Why is it that I develop these sudden aches and pains for no particular reason? It feels as though my entire body is out of alignment and now my joints are sore all the time and I wake up with horrible neck and back pain/stiffness just about every damn day. I need to see a chiropractor in a bad, bad way I think. After so many years of living with the pain of a 23-year-old neck injury that was never checked out, I think it's finally catching up with me. Increasing migraines, stiffness that doesn't go away, the constant inability to crack my neck where it needs to be cracked. And now the hip thing is getting so bad that getting up the stairs to our condo is becoming unbearable... dammit. I'm only 27! What the hell is going on?

Anyway, yet another meme (inspired by Rasee). This one is a random shuffle of my iTunes, but it's interactive. Instead of artists and whatnot, you get lyrics - and then you get to tell me who and what. I'm calling it "iTunes Jeopardy"... though without that whole form-of-a-question thing. That's just cruel.

Enjoy....