Burlap Soul

Last night I had to take Benadryl in order to sleep, even though I'm so exhausted that I can't keep my eyes open while studying in the library. The Benadryl was just to knock me out and keep the constant nightmares away.

I keep having recurring dreams where I am either at my own high school graduation, but I'm two years too late and then because I didn't fill out some random form, they don't call my name and I don't graduate. Another recurring dream is the one where I walk into my condo and all of our families are here and it's already May 7th, but I thought it was a week earlier so nothing is clean, the condo is a mess and I forgot to study for all of my finals - thereby not graduating either.

I feel as though I am on a merry-go-round that is spinning and spinning at top speed and isn't going to stop any time soon. Oh, but while I'm on that merry-go-round, I have to take finals, check off a million things on a million different to-do lists and then maybe, just maybe, get some sleep and have time for me. So far, that time for me hasn't happened yet. I am snapping at J. left and right. I am walking around so scrambled and preoccupied that I am running into walls and bookcases 4 times a day. Every single minute of every single day is accounted for between here and 10am on May 7th. God help me. I think I'm losing my mind.

How can 7 days feel so damn far away? And then how can I still feel as though I don't have enough time?

I have a Cognitive Psych final at 10 am tomorrow morning (Tuesday) that could quite literally make or break me as far as graduating is concerned. I've studied my ass off since Thursday and have basically done all the hardcore work that I can until test time in the morning, so I know that luck doesn't really have a whole lot to do with it at this point. But it's a 50-item multiple choice test, so I'm just hoping for some really good odds. Besides, I really, really, really need this to work for me.

Any good stuff you can send my way would be ever so awesome. Please?

Wish me luck. I'm off to bed....finally.

*sigh* The last 24 hours have been the biggest emotional roller coaster. Yesterday morning I took my Cognitive final and finished it in 20 minutes flat, feeling high as kite because I knew the answers so quickly and felt so good about how I'd done. Then as a gift to myself for getting through the big final and selling my books back, I finally went shopping for a graduation outfit. Walking through the mall, trying on clothes and feeling good about the things I bought, all very nice feelings. Then I came home and checked my grade online. All the scores were there so I tallied up my final grade for the class. Minimum requirement for a passing grade (C) is 280 points. My total points? 278. No shit. Three days from graduation and I am two points from passing. To say that my good mood was squashed would be an understatement. I hung out with Gypsy for a bit and decided that I was just going to go buy shoes now and get it over with. It went from a fun reward I was looking forward to to being an errand I had to run. You can see how wonderfully this affected my mindframe. So I met J. for dinner and we just sat in the car and I cried and cried. I became a psych major back in 1998 when I had this notion that I was going to be a doctor that worked with juvenile delinquents. Looking back now, I realize that that was purely a phase and I so should've known that. I left behind my passion as a photographer to pursue some pipe dream that, deep down, I had no intention of finishing. However, when I finally came back to school (after living with J. in Detroit for a while) I was too far into a psychology degree to turn back at that point. So for as long as I've been in the psych department, it has been an uphill battle for me to maintain decent grades. If I pass, that's an accomplishment. If I get a B or heaven forbid, an A, then that's just a damn miracle. (Which it doesn't really apply anyway, because I honestly believe that no one in that entire damn department gives A's in the first place. Or at least I haven't seen it.)

There is a twist to this story, however. My 278 points? Well, this is supposedly all based on a curved grading scale. Now I've suffered through so many statistics classes that it's not even funny anymore, but curves are still something that just utterly baffle me. Sometimes they work and sometimes they don't, but yet they're supposed to have the same basic rules all the time? Weird. Last night I couldn't sleep, because I honestly didn't know if I had a C (passing, graduation, being done with this hellhole of a school) or a D (not passing, having to re-enroll in the university and give up my summer to retake one boring-ass class). I would close my eyes and literally see 278-278-278 flashing before me and then I would awake sweaty and feeling nauseous.

So today I decided to just walk in and talk to my professor. To say that I was treated curtly would be another understatement. Not only did she just make me blurt out my problem in the middle of the hallway around all the other faculty, but when I told her that I had a 278 and wanted to know if I had the possibility of still passing, all she gave to me was a sarcastic smile and "I don't know" over and over again. Nothing else. No hello, no goodbye, no let's go look at your scores and see what we can do, nothing. All I knew at that point was that the curve hadn't been applied yet and I now also felt like an incompetent ass in front of everyone. Can we say mixed signals, boys and girls? Add to that the asshat of a professor that just stopped and listened in on our conversation and then threw out shit like "What would we do without that good ole' curve, huh?" while I was walking down the hallway trying desperately not to cry or scream.

(My feelings about the faculty in this psych department are an entry for another day. But let's just say this: They're all doctors and they're going to make damn sure that you know just how much better than you they are. And God help you if you're not at least 3.0 or - horror of horrors! - if you have no intentions of going to graduate school so you can be a doctor just like them.)

So after that wonderful exchange, I sat in my car and just cried and cried. I called J. at work and left him a voice mail. Then I just drove around in circles on the highway for a bit until J. called me back. When I got back to the condo, I stayed in the car and we talked some more and he tried to console me, but all I could see in my head was Dr. Snippy's stone-cold expression and her constant phrase of "I don't know" circling around and around in my brain. Crying was just all that seemed to be happening for me and poor J. had to just console me over the phone from his cubicle at work, something that always makes me feel guilty, like I'm one of those girlfriends.

J. told me, "It was a bad experience, but I think it's good news." To which I responded that what kind of a curve can it be if she can't even reassure me about 2 fucking points. J.'s response: "Sweetie, I've never heard of a 2 point curve. Ever."

Perhaps I'm being a drama queen, perhaps I'm just a mathematical idiot, but I honestly have no idea where I stand in this class and it makes me crazy. Every single class that I have ever taken and felt so completely clueless about my grade like this has always, always been in this psych department. I have never in my life seen so many professors just blatantly leave students in the dark so often. It makes me furious, it makes me sad, it makes me tired.

I keep looking at the graduation counter over on the left and wondering to myself, "How in the hell can there be 3 more days?" I swear to you, this has honestly been the longest fucking week of my life. Please tell me that Saturday will be worth it. I don't want to walk across that stage with tears of failure in my eyes and a giant black cloud hanging over my head. I desperately need to sleep again.

Today I'm taking my last final (in photo) and it should've been a glorious day, as photo is something I'm good in and it would've meant the end to finals. However, I have done nothing but walk around with a knot in my stomach, staring into space and feeling crushed, depressed and terrified. I still don't know my grade in Cognitive and it's still really, really upsetting me. I can't sleep, I can barely eat. I just stare into space and cry. I've cried more in the past two days than I have in a long time. I sat down and figured my score for the class again and realized that it's not just 2 points that's keeping me from a C. It's 9 points instead. My math was off, as usual. And let's be honest, when the class average is about 75%, no damn curve is going to bring me up 9 points. In my gut, I am positive that I will have to be back in that fucking school this summer, facing that same faculty with their condescending tones and can't-help-you attitude. I'll have to reapply to the university just so that I can take one damn class and then maybe receive a diploma in December, because I've already missed the Summer graduation deadline. Wonderful. This is killing me. To know that I might finally be walking across that stage after nearly a decade of pursuing this damn degree and still not be done. I cannot believe this. God, I'm so scared. What in the hell takes a professor so damn long to submit a damn grade?

We have family coming in tomorrow from very, very far away. They're expecting me to be happy, my usual funny self. But this is all I've got, this shell of a girl who compulsively checks her grades online, finds nothing and sits and cries at her desk. I should be planning a party. I should be cleaning the condo. I should be celebrating. Instead I just feel like I am falling apart.

Thank you so much to everyone for all the kind words. But just to give you an idea of how I'm doing, here's a picture for you....

A timeline, if you will....

Concerning Saturday, May 7th:

Best. Day. Ever.

No, seriously.

;-)

Full entry to come soon.... as I am still spinning with pride and grinning from ear to ear.

The first installment of the graduation story is up over at the Photolog. Enjoy!

More to come later... :-)

Part Deux.. now at the Photolog. :-)

The third and final part is finally posted over at the Photolog. I would love to hear what everyone has to say about all of this... especially if you've gotten this far! ;-)

Weeeeeeeeeeee! I'm graduated!!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy crap!!!!!!!!!!

Remember this entry? How badly my nailbiting habit has been? To the point that having these were such a big damn deal to me?

The last three weeks has pushed me further than I ever thought I could go. Last Spring semester really was the worst semester of my life, but only because it was so overwhelming. This past semester has been a whole other kind of disaster, just because it was A) the last semester and therefore, the longest ever and B) so unbelievably saturated with weird miscommunications and setbacks that I honestly thought I wasn't going to make it. It's a wonder that with everything that has happened this past month, I can still write without pain in my fingertips.

But let me assure you that I sure as hell never in my life expected anything like this. I mean, seriously, is this not insane? Usually, my right hand takes the brunt of everything, but check this out. And those photos were taken a week ago, when I still didn't know my cognitive grade or if I would even pass my classes. Also, I've had these nails for nearly 3 months now and just didn't want to curse it by writing about them before finals. It's as though I've finally learned to just stop mutilating myself so damn badly in the name of anxiety and that is a big, big thing for me.

Every time I look at my nails, or realize that I'm having difficulty typing because they're so long or whenever I look down to type something in my cell phone and realize that those are my hands, I'm still in complete shock. I've never had fingernails in my entire life and there's these long adult-looking nails dialing my cell phone. Is that me? For real?

You bet it is, baby. Here's to new beginnings....

Hey, you know what I did today?
Nothing.
Hey, you know what I did yesterday?
Nothing.
Oh, guess what I did the day before that?
Nothing!

Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! Pbbbbt!!

Graduation rocks!!

Looks like I've finally sold out. Now I just have to pick a slogan... but alas, I cannot! For it changes every time I refresh the page! Blast!

Drama courtesy of me. Sloganizer courtesy of Shelby.

-- Perhaps I haven't mentioned this yet, but I graduated college!!!!!
-- Having more time to do the things that I want to do
-- No homework!!!!!!!
-- No classes!!!!!
-- Feeling free and limitless
-- Some truly amazing graduation gifts from family so far
-- Spending my first week as a college graduate relaxing and enjoying every ray of sunshine around me
-- My weekends are my own
-- Being lucky enough to be able to take a good month off before starting the inevitable Job Hunt
-- Everyone that came to my graduation party
-- The fact that my father was the one that said he was proud of me the most (wow.)
-- Being able to take walks with J., stay up late watching movies and hold hands without having to worry about the homework I'm not doing
-- J. and I watching Sideways on Saturday night and laughing harder than we've laughed in a very long time (hilarious film!)
-- Finally finding some cool Indian fabric to use for making our bedroom curtains
-- Having the time to just sit down and make curtains :-D
-- Sleeping in, feeling rested and absorbing this time
-- Buying so many new books !
-- And I'm reading them for fun!
-- And I have time to do that now!!
-- Looking online and realizing that perhaps being an animal behaviorist is not a pipe dream after all (crossing some fingers!)
-- Looking ahead into the summer and seeing so many possibilities all around me and...
-- knowing that I can actually choose to do something without being held back by school
-- Knowing that my life is now my own... finally
-- Finally getting started on my thank you notes
-- Being able to find a good monitor at Goodwill when ours died a week ago
-- Receving an A in digital photo!!
-- Receiving a B in my statistics lab class!!
-- Receiving a seriously hard-earned C in my cognitive class!!
-- Knowing that I did it - me!!
-- The possibility of traveling this summer and...
-- maybe meeting some wonderful online friends at last!
-- The memory of watching my entire family take whacks at the pinata during my graduation party
-- The site of my diploma binder and cap/tassel still lying on the kitchen table
-- Completing all the necessary paperwork/assessments in order to truly be done with that horrible university and...
-- Driving home afterward to John Mayer's "Bigger than my body" cranked with the windows down and tears of joy in my eyes because I am finally done
-- The fact that this list is so incredibly short because I am free from school and therefore not doing anything but relaxing and watching the flowers bloom
-- Summer
-- Time
-- Freedom
-- J.
-- Life
-- Beagles
-- Honeysuckle
-- Sunsets
-- Feeling as though every day is a day with the top down and the wind in my hair
-- Me... finally
-- Doing it when no one said I could
-- Knowing that I would
-- Seeing that I did
-- Loving every moment

What is it about shopping at Walmart that makes you want to come home and scrub your skin for about 20 hours in order to remove the entire experience from your body?

I understand that it's dirt-cheap to shop there and that if you live in a small town or are broke, chances are that having a Super Walmart nearby is a big damn deal. Trust me, I know all this. I grew up in a town where there were 3 Walmarts within a 10 mile radius and eventually they ran everyone else out of town so that it became our only shopping option. I could go on a nice long rampage about the ethics of Sam Walton and his retail empire and if my father were standing here talking to you right now, he would in fact tell you all about why we should hate what Walmart is doing to our country, communities, etc. I'm not just talking out of my ass here or being a retail snob. I do have my reasons and my reasons are good. I don't just hate the place because of what it is and it's fucked up business philosophy, but because of the assholes that it attracts and the fact that it nourishes these people and allows them to continue being assholes while they shop there.

I'm just saying that if you are lucky enough to live in an area where you have a choice, why in the hell would you pick Walmart? If I have the option of paying an extra dollar per item and that prevents me from being surrounded by insane parents that smack their children and openly push anyone out of their way and also from coming home with a headache from the Insanely Loud P.A. System That Never Shuts Up... then I do have to say that I would proudly pay that extra dollar.

Bleh. Now if you'll excuse me, I seriously feel the need for a 12 hour bath.

I've been going through my archives for the past couple of hours or so. Reading entries from a couple years ago and beyond that I'd completely forgotten. So for those of you that have been reading me for any length of time, I have a question:

Have I changed at all? Is there a difference in my tone? Do I seem happier? Sadder? Less wordy? More wordy? More confident? More shy?

Just curious really. It seems that I can see a change in my writing, but I'm wondering if anyone else sees it too. One thing that I have noticed though: the 'F' word flies around a little less often. That's a nice relief. Though as soon as I write this I know something will tick me off and I'll completely eat those words. Ah, such is life.

Two purchasing decisions on my mind and I'd like your input:

I've gotten a decent chunk of cash as graduation gifts and I'm trying to figure out what to do with it. I've narrowed it down to a few options:

Poor Gypsy... She's been poked, prodded and probed all day. The week of graduation she started sniffling and sneezing and we assumed she had a cold. So we waited about a week and it didn't pass. Then for the past week, she has had these horrible coughing/wheezing/sneezing fits that freak us out because she can't stop and I don't like seeing her struggling to breathe.

(though I guess you could call them positives, too ;-)

-- Apparently Gypsy doesn't have a thyroid problem after all (however this is still uncertain as the receptionist was very short with me and seemed to not even know what I was talking about when I asked about her blood results, looks like I will be calling the vet later to confirm.)

-- Yard sales - all in pursuit of a couch, but not fruitful on that end. However J. got a wonderful set of ratchet straps for $5 and I always get some sort of Garfy memorabilia for my collection - this time it was a very old kids' puzzle for a quarter. Nice. I also ended up with an extremely old Ouija board that some guy gave me a dollar to take. Naturally we're wondering if it's cursed and if there's going to be a Made for TV movie about our misadventures with it.

-- Watching Spanglish. "Noooooo!!! We don't ever throw the ball for Chum!!" Tea Leoni is wonderful. Cloris Leachman always rocks.

-- Sitting at a parking meter in downtown traffic and excitedly opening my wonderful gift from Nicole in my car. Ooooh!!! Big Fish!!!! And Neil Gaiman!!! And a Therapy Dogs book!!!! Squeeeeealll!!! (Thank you again, love! ;-)

-- This weekend is Memorial Day weekend and my father is having a pool party at their new house. Wonderful timing, as now I get to watch Big Fish with my dad. (Of course, all he will notice is the Mopar... and the fish. Naturally.)

-- Snuggling with J. endlessly while brunching at Panera and browsing at World Market (we love payday weekends.)

-- Finally getting a damn cabinet for my sewing machine at Target and ooooh! Our table isn't cluttered with fabric and mess anymore! Ahhh, organization.

-- J. helping me hang the bamboo blinds I bought for the bedroom and it's so dark in there now! I can actually sleep! Yayy!

-- Arranging a picnic-date this week with J., so we can have some lunch together in the park and then go see the Butterfly Show when it's not so crowded. :-)

-- Gypsy is sneezing/coughing less and she is always an absolute dream when it comes to taking a pill. (Swallows in less than 10 seconds, eats her cheese and goes about her merry way. Rock.)

-- Deciding instead to put my money in the bank and let it sit and accrue interest. J. brought up the point that if the end of the summer came and I hadn't traveled at all, I would be royally pissed and depressed. He's right.

-- The weather remains beautiful every day. Even when it rains, it's just right.

1. My uncle once: had a little yorkie named Reggie that licked the walls obsessively. It was hilarious.

2. Never in my life: have I been so cool with who I am.

3. When I was five: my parents divorced.

4. High School was: crap.

5. I will never forget: where I come from.

6. I once met: Tori Amos.

7. There’s this girl I know: that doesn't know how much I really wish I didn't have to know her anymore.

8. Once, at a bar: I played Alvin and the Chipmunks' Christmas song on the jukebox and almost got kicked out.

9. By noon I’m usually: hungry.

10. Last night: I finally finished making my Indian-style curtains and promptly fell asleep with my head on J.'s chest.

11. If I only had: a private jet and a bottomless bank account.

12. Next time I go to church: I'll most likely feel very confused.

13. Terry Schiavo: is a real person, not just a name you throw out in a meme to watch people get angry.

14. What worries me most: is letting my life pass me by without realizing that it's happening right. now.

15. When I turn my head left, I see: my wet sandals laying in front of the office closet doors.

16. When I turn my head right, I see: our wall of books, my awesome homemade oriental curtains, Ghost staring out the window and Gypsy sacked out on the carpet after a long day at the new dog park.

17. You know I’m lying when: you won't. I'm that good. ;-P

18. What I miss most about the eighties: is this channel called MTV that used to just play videos all the time. It rocked.

19. If I was a character written by Shakespeare, I’d be: diabolical.

20. By this time next year: I might be on my honeymoon.

21. A better name for me would be: um, Annastazia? ;-)

22. I have a hard time understanding: why people don't get excited about things anymore.

23. If I ever go back to school I’ll: shoot myself.

24. You know I like you if: I invite you to ride with me somewhere.

25. If I won an award, the first person I’d thank would be: J. No doubt he had a part in it.

26. Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: all have very unusual names.

27. Take my advice: don't ever let anyone else tell you who you are.

28. My ideal breakfast is: cereal at midnight.

29. A song I love, but do not have is: Blackbird by the Beatles.

30. If you visit my hometown, I suggest: you get a flurry from Crisp's, some pizza from Giovanni's and then promptly get back on the highway. You've seen it all.

31. Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars: don't have a damn thing in common.

32. Why won’t people: just shut up already and do something about it?!

33. If you spend the night at my house: you will be sniffed. Extensively.

34. I’d stop my wedding for: us.

35. The world could do without: reality tv.

36. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: lick the belly of a spider.

37. My favorite blonde is: me.

38. Paper clips are more useful than: sticky tac.

39. If I do anything well, it’s: because I'm naturally amazing.

40. And by the way: just why can't I sit on my ass and never work and be fabulous for the rest of my life? Huh?

(Stolen from QuirkyChick.)

so many things that i could sit here and tell you about
so many ramblings that i still haven't figured out
so many times i hear the voices start to shout
so many times i want to grab my head and scream "Out! Out! Out!"

so many thoughts that ramble and dance within my head
so many times that i wish i could just go to bed
so many hours i spend wondering how to not dread
so many times i wish i could just leave something unsaid

i take on it all
bring me your duties
i will do everything
no need to worry

i am invincible
unbreakable to the bone
you won't even see me cry
when i am all alone