Burlap Soul

Why am I doing this? Why am I hanging out on the internet reading blogs when I am obviously bored and not interested in being on the computer right now? Addictive as crack, I tell you. Even when there's nothing on, you still have to flip the channels.

It's raining outside, glorious lightning and thunder and heavy rain. My favorite kind. After the three weeks of hot, humid and sticky drought we've had, this rain is like a long drink of water for everyone. Tomorrow I'll be driving home for an awesome Hawaiian-themed Luau party with my family and then enjoying some serious relaxed cuddle time with J. by the pool. And best of all, he's off work on the 4th. Weekdays off are our favorites.

So I'm off to snuggle in bed with J. To reflect and enjoy this cool day I've had, shopping with my mom (for bathing suits and cracking up in the dressing rooms), driving around with J. the day after payday and watching the Daily Show cuddled on the couch. It's good. It's very, very good.

Hope yours is too. Happy 4th. :-)

So much chatter in my head when I come home. I love my home state, my family, the changes in my relationship with them, the laughs that we have, but sometimes being with so many of them at once in a single holiday weekend is enough to make me scream. Nothing traumatic happened, nothing upsetting. Just chaos and a constant parade of voices in my head, as though they're all still here commentating on what I'm doing. I sometimes forget that when I come home, I no longer have to play the daughter role 24/7. I no longer have to be so social.

It's like when you've been to a 3-day music festival and then you finally come home, but all you can hear is that music and all those people that were sitting around you chattering in your ears. You know that you're home, but your head is still sitting in a field somewhere re-enacting every memorable moment or conversation you just had in the past 72 hours. I call it 'Holiday Lag.' It takes a good week before you're back in your own time zone again.

So many times I come into this office to 'unload' my thoughts and then I get sidetracked reading about other peoples' lives and somehow my own thoughts are forgotten. But then again it's 2:30 in the morning and I'm very tired, so the very fact that I feel as though I even have thoughts to unload is kind of ludicrous. In truth, I'm probably just in need of sleep and unaware that I'm not even making sense. Right now it seems so incredibly important that I write out all the scattered thoughts in my head in order to clear out my brain a bit. The irony? Tomorrow when I wake up I'll wonder what in the hell I was thinking and won't remember a damn bit of it.

God, are you even confused yet? I sure as hell am. Nite-nite.

If there's shit to report tomorrow, I'll write. If not, then obviously I just needed some sleep. So there you go.

Some random notes though before I head for bed:

-- Happy Birthday Nikki!

-- Congrats to Jules on joining the cult getting a beagle!

-- July 1st was my one-year Vegetarian mark. I can't believe it's been a year. I still think it's one of the best decisions I ever made.

-- We've decided that I should take the entire summer off. We want to take some small vacation trips over the summer and if I started working right now, that just wouldn't be possible. So it looks like I'll be (hopefully) taking a trip to Chicago in September and then after that I'll be pounding the pavement and entering the working world. I'm a little excited. I'm a little scared.

-- I can't believe how much I've changed in a single year. I can't believe how much I've accomplished. I can't believe I won't be buying binders and notebooks in August. I can't believe that I'm not forgetting something every time I leave the house without my backpack. I can't believe that my diploma is really real. I can't believe that there is so much pain in the world. I can't believe that there is so much joy.

I can't believe that I am still up. Again with the nighty-nite.

I created a flickr account a while back just out of curiosity. Personally, I have to say that I like using my photoblog better.

However, that being said, I uploaded some of the photos from our July 4th weekend over at flickr. They are viewable only to "friends" or "my contacts" so if you have a flickr account, send me your username and I'll add you to the list so that you can see them. Otherwise, you'll have to create an account first and then follow the previous steps. Let me know if you're interested. I'll send you an email with the proper link.

(see what I mean by liking my photoblog better? much less complicated.)

J. is in the kitchen making our dinner (veggie burgers toppped with marinara sauce and shredded mozzarella, fries and green tea, not that you asked) and I thought I'd take a minute to write something here. I feel as though this space has been neglected a bit lately. I'm not sure why. I mean I know that I still update the templates and the little 'current waves' section over there on your left. I still post entries and participate in memes and whatnot. It's just that I feel as though my entries aren't very qualitative anymore. It's as though I'm writing, but it's nothing very substantial. It's not that I don't want to write or that I feel as though I have nothing to say. It's not that I don't feel like blogging anymore or anything of that sort. It's just that.. well, there's too much to say. Does that make any sense? Usually, I write whenever something's bothering me or whenever I need to work out some emotions or thoughts. But lately, it's as though my brain is so overloaded with inane and sometimes insane randomness that I don't really know where to begin.

Nothing major is happening right now. Nothing traumatic, nothing fascinating. There are some ideas that we're bouncing around about little things, but it's nothing earth-shattering. I guess that's part of my problem. If it's not earth-shattering, then why share? Daily life is so vastly boring to me sometimes that I feel as though no one else really needs to know the details of how late I slept this morning or how many hours I wasted uploading stuff onto flickr when it turns out that I didn't really like it anyway. See? That stuff just bores me to tears, so I hate writing about it. My mom says I was 'born bored' which is so unbelievably true. And I know that it drives J. nuts when he comes home and says, "What did you do today?" and I respond with, "Who cares? It's over with. On to the next thing."

So it's not that I have nothing to talk about. It's just that it doesn't occur to me to share anything that I'm thinking, as I imagine it being unbelievably insignificant. Does that make any sense to you? Is there something you're curious about? Is there something that you would like to know? Ask away then. Maybe that's what it would take for me to realize that my life is actually quite normal and dare I say it.. interesting. ;-)

Felt like doing one of those 'put your music on random and report the first 20 songs, no matter how embarassing' memes. Here goes:

J. has run to pick up milk
I will worry until he comes back
Too many news stories make me ill
Walking out, shot in the back

His key in the door defies my odds
Eases my soul, lets me breathe
All too aware of fate's funny laws
1 + 1 +7 = 3

CNN tells me every little stupid thing
I should worry about when I'm just fine
Even though she is on a 2 ft leash
I watch cars and worry that she is too far behind

This morning he says to me in all of his light
"You sleep better when I'm here, don't you?"
And I shrug it off and don't think twice
Of course I do, it's so much easier when there's two

But if I told you that I would be weak
Opening myself to all the most terrible things
Letting down my guard so that something could take you from me
Breaking my heart again so that I couldn't even speak

You say:
"Why do you think so far ahead?
Why do you worry so much about the future?"
If I do not, who will?
If I don't worry about the future, how will I be perfectly prepared?

Don't we all know that life must go according to my perfect plan?
Isn't it obvious that I've settled so much, changed so many dreams
Why must I sacrifice yet more things that I love?
Why must I give up the few things I have left?

If I lost you, it would be my last hope
You are my last certainty

So naturally I must prepare for the day that you are gone.
No rest for the eternally cursed.
Nothing stays forever.

1. I've lied to professors about "family emergencies" in order to get out of doing projects and I don't regret it.

I decided it was time to finally finish up my 100 Things that I've been working on forever. Let me know what you think.

Lo and behold, the memory blog has been updated*. Do you even remember where it is? I almost didn't. ;-)

So on my way home today, I passed this incredibly intriguing and strange billboard on the highway. It made absolutely no sense to me, but had a website. So now that I've checked it out, I'm even more confused.

Someone please explain to me what in the hell this means.

Honestly, if you spend the money to advertise such a website on a very busy six lane highway, shouldn't you at least explain what in the hell you're talking about on that website?

Then again, maybe Tom Cruise did it and we're the idiots.

Wanna know what I was up late doing last night? (No, not that, you pervs.) Go look at J.'s site! It's all new and cool and stuff. It seems like such a simple design, but I'm still so unbelievably proud of it. So proud in fact that when I finished it at 5am (yes, that seems to be my new bedtime as of late), I immediately went and woke up J. and dragged him into the office to see. As bleary eyed and disoriented as he was, he still managed to blurt out a "Holy Shit, Sweetie!!" whenever I loaded the page. Hee, hee! Go me! Go Photoshop!

Hmmmm... I'm curious about something.

Hahahahahahaaaaaaa!!

God, isn't this annoying?

Hahahahaaaaaaaa! Rock!

Okay, there. I just wanted to see if I could do it. Aren't you glad you came here today?

You'll have to pardon me if posting is light around here lately. When it's summer, I want to do anything but sit inside doing nothing. Also, I'm ass-deep in paint these days, as I'm finally painting the ginormous living room area and planning to paint the bedroom soon. Our entire condo is covered in plastic sheeting and the cats are thoroughly enjoying either A) hiding under clear plastic and pouncing, as though they are somehow "hidden" and B) laying on the cool plastic sprawled out in front of the fan instead of on the carpet. Gypsy however has no opinion, as she has basically given up on trying to get our attention while we're on 9 foot tall ladders with Best of the 80s music cranked. So she sleeps. That's her favorite activity really.

This weekend was spent painting, maybe watching a movie or two, but mostly relishing any and all cuddle time with J. Today is a big day at his work, as he's been working 10 hour days, six days a week (with the occasional 16 hour day thrown in for good measure) and today he will find out if he has to work yet more 16 hour days for the next month or if he can finally take this project and shove it. We are missing each other lots right now and a vacation is in the works for August. The world just seems nicer when we have our snuggly weekends.

My mom works at a major retail chain around here and as a surprise gift for meeting some sort of unknown goal, she received 4 free tickets to Kings Island, meals included. Oh. hell. yes. So J. at least got that day off and tomorrow we will be screaming our lungs out and making ourselves hoarse from riding The Beast, Son of Beast, the Twin Racers and the new Italian Job Stunt Track repeatedly. Did I mention that The Beast is my favorite coaster ever? Not just the best, but also my favorite. Double whammy, baby. I get tingles just thinking about it.

Hope your weekend was wonderful and even though I sent her a card last night, I'll tell her again the next day, "Happy Birthday to you!"

*sigh* Okay, back to the painting. Finish your work now girl, for tomorrow we coaster.

So the painting is finished. I can't believe I finished the living room in one day. I thought for sure that this giant room would take me almost a week. I certainly didn't think I would finish both the trim and all of the rolling within the 12 hours it took me on Monday. Wow.

And it's not exactly the deep khaki that I was expecting, but it's still a nice warm adobe looking color. Not too bad. And it will still go with my dream denim couch (whenever we can actually afford to buy it.) Pictures to come later, as my memory card and batteries are all spent and I am getting ready to go have lunch with my mother at the moment.

We enjoyed Kings Island immensely, as I still have the husky screamed-out voice to prove it. Let me just say that Italian Job: Stunt Track is not the tame ride it appears from the outside. Thrilling as hell, yes. Though my hands were shaking and my vocal cords permanently damaged by the end of it. But tame? No. J. is into my new voice. He says I sound like Kathleen Turner - which would be great, if only it didn't hurt so damn much. Now for a complete change of topic...

I've never been into Harry Potter, just because I never really thought about reading any of the books. So to watch everyone on the internet boast about how quickly they devoured them is just starting to annoy me. Who cares how fast you read it, dope. Did you like it? Then take your time and enjoy the damn thing. I firmly believe that anything that's enjoyable in this world should be stretched out for the longest amount of time possible.

Though I shouldn't be one to talk as of late. Some people have Harry Potter, some have Star Trek, some have Lord of the Rings, some have Star Wars. Me? The Dark Tower, all the way. I was dying to finally finish the series as all of them are finally out and have been for a year or two. However, school took so much of time that I knew I couldn't enjoy them like I wanted with all that on my plate. You might remember my mother's graduation gift to me was Wolves of the Calla, number 5 in the series of 7. I bought the rest of series with my graduation money right away and quickly hid them in a drawer so that I wouldn't be tempted to see how it all ends.

Last night at 3am, after finishing number 6 in the series (Song of Susannah), I finally got up the courage to break into number 7. It was hard. I almost cried at the prospect of having to actually finish this amazing series that has been such a huge part of my life since I was fifteen. Seriously, could you imagine if Harry Potter had stretched out over a period of nearly 20 years? You wouldn't be able to control yourselves. Nor have I. So that's where I'll be for the next few days probably. Every time I close the final book and realize that my bookmark is getting further and further into that stack of pages, I get a little excited, a little sad. I don't even know how it will end, but I know that after this one, I'll never see my old friends again. Ah, the magic of books. To make you feel as though you have traveled so far when you haven't moved an inch.

So let's see. New books, new adventures in said books, new coasters and new paint. Inspiration is everywhere lately it seems.

Good.

You know, I need to learn that whenever I have something in my mind, to just sit down and blog it right then rather than reading other blogs first. Because when I read other blogs, I no longer have my own thoughts. Jeez, Staz. This isn't rocket science. Write first, read later. How long have you been doing this? Time to get on the ball, dearie.

Now let's see if I remember what I was going to talk about. Oh yeah. Tomorrow's J.'s birthday. So go send him some love, yes? I'm off today to go buy his presents and arrange his surprises. Though for some reason, I'm just not nearly as excited about our birthdays this year. I think I'm just preoccupied with getting the place all fixed up and painted, so it hasn't even occurred to me yet that it's the end of July and I have birthdays to celebrate. Normally birthdays are a big deal to me. This year they're just not. J. keeps telling me that my present is going to rock and he keeps trying to get me pumped up for Friday (the other actual birthday in question). However, I keep thinking, "Oh yeah. Birthday. 28. Hmmm.... eh. We'll see. Where's that ceiling fan catalog?" Maybe it's the ages. 28 and 32? Boring. 29 and 33? Exciting! What is it with me and odd numbers?

I'm amazed at how much I keep forgetting that it's coming. While talking to my dad on the phone yesterday, he said, "Watch your mailbox." To which I replied, "Why?" Immediately, as only my dad can, he responded with, "Your birthday, dumbass!" Oh. Right. That. Ha, ha, ha. Is it possible to become wise when you get older, yet still grow more ditzy by the day?

So anyway, that's my day in a nutshell today. I'm off to buy some birthday swag and maybe to have lunch with my mama. Other than that, not much going on today. Just waiting for Friday. Maybe then it will kick in that yes, Staz, you are defying all of your expectations and surviving your 20s. So what in the hell are going to do about it?

Indeed. But can I think about that later? I really need to pick out a paint color for the bedroom.

It's hot, boys and girls. Fucking. Hot. The sad thing? It's about ten degrees hotter and more humid inside our damn condo than it is outside. I came home from birthday shopping for J. today and found the animals all panting and beached in front of the living room fan with their eyes glazed over. You could see an actual haze in our condo, that's how hot it was. No joke. And you know why? Because our air conditioner just decided to stop working.

In the middle of a damned emergency heat alert and our a/c decides to quit. Oh, did I mention that we live on the top floor? Wonderful. Now I could tell you about how I knew this was coming because A) our a/c unit is older than both J. and I put together and B) the ever-so-not-present landlord, Shitty Shawn, hasn't bothered to have this place inspected for god knows how long and we have found so many damn fire hazards in the past year it's not even funny. And I could also tell you about how we could sue the living pants off of him but we don't because A) J. is entirely too nice and B) I hate even talking to the asshole. I might tell you all of these things if I could get my damn fingers to stop sticking to the keyboard. The (broken) thermostat says it is damn near 90 degrees in here and J. almost cried with joy when he opened the fridge and realized I had bought him a six-pack of beer. Oh, and Froggy died. Which sucks, because we really liked him and he really liked us and we'd had him for a little over 5 years while living in 3 different states. He survived a lot and still came swimming to the glass happily when we talked to him, so he will certainly be missed. Hell, I miss him already and we haven't even taken him to the creek yet. Know why? Because it's hot. I can't even bury my frog because it's so damn hot, people! Cry for me!!

So there you go. That's how my evening has been. Someone is coming out to inspect the a/c tomorrow and give us an estimate, (which I know will be pointless because once they see what a serious relic this thing is, they will just tell us to replace it anyway. All part of a lovely circular logic plan that leads us back to trying desperately to contact Shitty Shawn to fix it while he doesn't return our calls and we know damn well that he has no intention of paying to replace anything, so we just end up going broke and trying to fix it ourselves instead of postponing the inevitable. Woohoo! Jump on the caravan boys and girls, this is fun!) You know what's great though? Our instructions for the repair man to come and even look at it are this: Turn the a/c completely off first thing in the morning. Oh, and he's expected to be here between 1 and 3pm. You know, the hottest hours of the day. Yayyyyy!!

Enough about me though. How the hell is your day going?

Happy Birthday to J.!! Or better yet, just for my Russophile:

S dniom razhdjenia! or Pazdravliayu s dniom razhdjenia!

Mwah! Love you sweetie! xoxo

For the past week it has been in the upper 90s and insanely humid. Today? I wake up and it's suddenly 70 degrees. No shit. I'm sitting in the office that I've been sweating in for the past week and now my feet are freezing and I'm thinking that I'll need to put on socks... and maybe wear pants.

Welcome to the midwest!

You like? Lilies are my favorite flower, you know. Oh, and if you can guess the lyric on the banner - without googling - you are my new hero. Heh, heh. Let's just say it was a revisit to my goth days.

And now, a meme that I stole from Laura.

Some hot right-clicking action courtesy of my massive Weird Al collection and in honor of the day. Enjoy...

Weird Al - Happy Birthday (sorry, all gone now.)

J. left me a little scavenger hunt when he left for work and I've been following clues to little gifts and funny cards around the house all morning. Now I'm off to see what my final clue - and gift - is. Apparently my mother has it. Happy Friday. :-)