Burlap Soul

Yes, I am fully aware of how much death, destruction and sadness are going on right now. I am just not writing about it. I figure that everyone else is doing a much better job than I and really, what does writing do? It does not make me feel any less sad. It does not bring food and supplies to those that need it. It does not make it any better for anyone, not even myself. So I've sent my donations and when the rebuilding efforts start and the news crews and the National Guard trucks are gone, I will send another donation and a massive amount of bleach and cleaning supplies to the south. Why? Because I've been through this before. Not in the staggering amounts of devastation that they are currently experiencing, not by a long shot, but I know what it's like to have so many people there for you during the dark hours, but suddenly disappear when the chaos is over, the news coverage is tired, and there is nothing left but you, the shattered remains of your life and the permanent smell of bacteria and flood water in all of your possessions. When there's nothing left to do but go on living in a way that you never imagined having to live. That's when the real pain begins. That's when it really sinks in, I think. When the survival is over and the forging ahead begins. When you're standing in the ruins of what was once the place you called home and you dig out something as inane as a toothbrush from the ten inches of slop and debris on the floor only to see it covered with mud, filth and the remnants of an event that that you had no control over and realize that no matter what, this will forever sit on the shoulders of your soul. This will be the day that you refer to everafter as the before and after of your life. This will be the reason that you can't go home again. This will be the reason that you will forever watch a rising muddy river while holding your breath and biting your lip and immediately thinking of what or whom you could salvage right now if you had to go. Even if it's only risen an inch, even if it's only up to your front steps, even if it's only a small rainstorm, even if it's only a level 2, it does not matter. In your mind, it is that day all over again. It is the day that you aged ten years in ten hours. And that's when you will cry. That's when you will cry so hard and be smacked with such grief that you will wonder if it's possible for a human heart to physically break.

I know because I've been there. I just hope that you feel me wrapping my arms around you, victims of Katrina. Because there are people out there that are praying for you so hard, people that don't even know how to pray are learning and trying just for you. There is good in the world. Remember that. Even when you are calling to add your loves ones' names to the list of missing and you are told that the list is 2,000 people long already and they might not get back to you for weeks. Even when you see nothing but sadness and devastation around you. Remember that for all the unfathomable things that you are experiencing right now, there is just as much positivity flooding your way as dirty water. And of that kind of rain, I hope you feel every single drop.

I need some happy up in here. Let's go:

It's so hard sometimes to not be angry. I've got to find a better way to let this go. And by "this" I mean everything.

So everyone knows. On Labor Day weekend, we told everyone in my family that we are now engaged and also broke the news that we are planning on a destination wedding in Mackinac Island next August. Just so that they could prepare and let it sink in. They acted excited and wrote down the date and promised that they would be there, but I know my family all too well. A part of me still knows that half of them will not show up at the last minute, but yet another part of me wants so badly to believe that they would want to be there so much that they would put in the actual effort to make it. I don't know. We'll see. And if they don't show up or worse yet - show up and then whine about it the entire time - then there's just not much I care to do about that at this point. After so many of them bowed out of my graduation because they were suddenly "too tired" to make the hour drive, I just kind of stopped giving a shit about pleasing them and killing myself to gain their support anymore. If they come, they come. If they don't, they don't. It's about us, it feels right to us and whether or not they show up, we're still getting married and we'll not compromise our happiness for their selfishness yet again. So be it.

On the other hand, J.'s family has taken it really well. All of the excitement that I felt was lacking from my family, his have made up for nicely and I'm glad. J.'s uber-religious and often conservative family have had lots of problems with us living together for as long as we have without being married. To the point that they wouldn't let us sleep in their houses at holiday time because it forced the children to "ask questions." Yeah, it's been rough. Though in the past few years, I think they started to realize that nothing was going to change and that J. was really happy and that I wasn't the evil hell-spawn they had hoped I was. (What? You mean she's funny and nice and easy to talk to? Dammit!) Yeah, kinda like that.

It's so weird, as my family has been through so much damn divorce and dysfunction that they don't give a damn where we sleep as long as we're happy and he treats me right. Whereas, J.'s family cares less about whether or not we're happy and if we're doing things "right" to begin with. I think that J. and I are just now learning that no matter what, we are not going to win, so why not just do it our way anyhow? With college out of the way and the possibility of doing this wedding on our terms, we feel newly liberated in a wonderful way.

In other news, the great Post-College Job Hunt has finally begun. My resume has been submitted on Monster for all of two days and I'm already getting inquiries about a photographer position at a new little portrait studio store in a local mall. Rock. Whether or not I can deal with screaming children all day is another matter entirely, but if it gives me some good photo experience for my resume and pays for a wedding in the next year, then I'm all for it. Plus, I was really rooting for something photographic to come along, so that I wouldn't have to drudge through the crap jobs that they give to someone with a B.A. in Psychology. (Overloaded case worker's gimp anyone?)

Other than that? Not much going on. We're on cloud nine about the fact that we now have a ring, real possibility and an actual plan. We've set a date, picked a church, called some priests, and told our families. So there you have it. Now I just have to start working and pay the necessary deposits so that we can get rolling with this thing we call "happiness." Hee, hee. I can't tell you how great that feels.

Congratulations to Laura, who is getting married today! :-) Best wishes to you both!

The photos from our fun Labor Day shindig are over at the photolog. Enjoy!

I'm itching to take some photos. So I'm bringing back the photo requests meme. Tell me three things you want to see and I'll get right on it. Hell, you don't even have to make it easy. Promise.

Now Go.

Update: I swear to you that I am working on those photo requests. Honest. It's just that we have been busy as hell lately. Who knew that looking for a job, planning a wedding, taking care of six animals and switching cell phone providers all in a course of three days took up so much damn time? Grrr... I'll have the rest of the requests tomorrow hopefully. Patience, grasshopper. Patience. ;-)

Yes, yes, I know. It's been a while and there are many other more important things going on than me finishing my damn photo requests, but hey... you pick your battles and this was only one of mine this week. Yes, I am lucky.

The only two shots I wasn't able to get was the 'matches from a swanky bar' and a '2 dollar bill'. (Sorry, Joz.) Mostly because I didn't really have the time to look. It's been a crazy ass week around here. In.sane.

On to the requests:

A new meme! (Stolen from Shelby.)

1. Go into your archive.

2. Find your 23rd post (or closest to).

3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).

4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.

I'm so damned indecisive, it's not even funny.