Burlap Soul

Hi. Miss me? Nope, didn't think so.

So this past week has been interesting. On Friday we lost our internet because we couldn't pay the bill because we had already paid a boatload of money to book the church for our wedding next August. Yes, things fill up that quickly on Mackinac Island. Yes, it was so expensive that we lived on boxed rice and baked potatoes for nearly two weeks and yes, it was sadly only the first of two installments. *sigh* But we are getting an amazing ceremony site in an amazing area with a beautiful view of the water. The church is booked, friends and relatives have been told and money has now officially exchanged hands. There's a binder, people. It's on.

Now don't think that we are going broke for the sake of a wedding. As soon as I start working, wedding arrangements will be coming out of my salary and therefore will be booked faster and with much less sacrifice from our bank account. As for now, we're just trying to have a place to actually exchange vows and we were lucky enough to get the exact place we wanted. So woohoo for that.

Speaking of the employment front, I had my first real adult job interview yesterday. It was like, downtown in a high rise building and everything. Like woah, dude. I'm like... old. The interview was great, but I didn't know until I went in that it was actually kind of a sales job. Sales is just not something I really get into. Whether or not I get it remains to be seen, as the pay is great but sales and recruiting? Don't know about that one... maybe. Also, I have an interview tomorrow for a studio photographer job that probably pays crap and is only part time, but still it's photography and therefore I'm happy about it. Photo experience for my resume would kick butt. Then again, money for a wedding and a house would kick the same amount of butt, if not more.

Decisions, decisions. Of course having an offer on either job would probably be wise before I start planning my amazing imaginary future. Come on chickens, hatch! hatch!

There's just so much going on in my .. what? Mind? Body? Soul? Spirit? Hell, who knows? Really, it's a combination of all these things that are jumbled and filled with loud static and congregations of voices. None of them saying anything but none of them saying nothing either. It's all relative I guess.

I probably can't explain all of this in a way that you can understand. Just know that I feel like my brain is overly full. It needs emptied, but at the same time I need to know where I put all of its contents. So I'm just going to write some stuff here that is most likely completely incoherent to anyone but me, and even that's questionable. Consider this my brain dump.

Ooooh, what a fun evening this has been! I'll be talking in my best British accent for a while yet, as we just got back from seeing Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were-rabbit. Oh my god.

Go. See. This. Film.

Seriously, we haven't laughed this hard in a loooooong damn time. Granted, we're both big Wallace and Gromit fans anyway and I have all the films on tape. However, this being their first motion picture, it was somehow even better than the shorts really. (Though The Wrong Trousers is a classic, but still, somehow this one is just different.) The characters, the animation, the plot, the humor, the bunnies, my god the bunnies! Everything is just so damn hilarious. We had one of those rides home where we just kept looking at each other and laughing and re-enacting the best parts. Just too damn funny.

Next Thursday I have to call the theater manager to remind him to give me the movie poster. Hee hee!

I've got nothing for you tonight. I had a really wonderful interview on Friday and I'm not talking about it for fear of cursing it. Plus, after reading what some other people are going through tonight, anything that I say seems so useless. Go send some love to others. They need it more than me.

In other news, we painted the bedroom today - finally. Yes, I picked a color. No, it wasn't one of the 150 samples on the wall, nor did it have anything to do with India. I just got sick of not being able to pull together that Indian bedroom I've always wanted and just decided on something simple and easy instead. So when the bedding is purchased and it's all done, I'll have pictures for you. Until then, you get quizzes and countless memes.

I was reading Kat's entry on how the body stores negative memories and tension and leaves us dealing with it years after the trauma. This is something I understand well.

The body definitely has its own memory. I'm reminded of that in a big way every time I have to have Ativan just to keep my arm from jerking during a blood draw. Even though my mind is calm, I will watch my arm go absolutely insane, running and hiding at the mere smell of the alcohol swab and the sight of the needle. My arm and I will look at each other like we are at war and in a way, it seems we are. Sometimes a single traumatic event (like the combination of a wicked stepmother and an inept doctor when you're 12 and laying on the table) can just seem to stick to you. Run through your muscles and blood, constantly tense, waiting until it has to flinch again from the next blow. Learning to recondition your own skin is something harder than most people realize. How do you get rid of tension you didn't even know you had? Worse yet, how do you find tension that only shows itself when you're already stressed? It's hard.

However, I'm also reminded of how your body can store the good things as well, such as when I'm standing in a dark room thinking that I've completely forgotten how to mix the photo chemicals and what I should be doing first and suddenly my feet start walking toward the right sink and my hands tell me which cup to fill and how far. This has become a regular thing in my life now. When it's been too long or I'm too afraid or my mind is too overwhelmed to remember the details, I've learned to just become silent and listen to my body. Let it take over, saying to it simply "tell me." And it does, most every time. I know it's habit, some long conditioned reflex in my brain learned solely through repetition. But still, the body is a wonderful student and learns well. Honestly, just think about it. When you're walking down the street, how well do you walk if you actually try to stop and think about how to walk? It's not breathing. It's not involuntary that way. It's something you were taught, that you've practiced, that you do without thinking. The body knows.

Though if I had to tell you why all of a sudden my body has stopped urging me to throw my fingers in my mouth at the first sign of stress? Well, I couldn't. Personally I think that one was done on my heart's behalf (and really out of pity for my body). It decided it was happy and to stop punishing my fingers for everything that it couldn't handle. Of this, my body has been blissfully aware.... and it says thank you every day.

This is my 700th entry. Wooo. Note the lack of enthusiasm. It seems to be a trend lately. I think I'm just overly tired or stuck in a state of October Limbo. I have a second interview tomorrow at noon with the aforementioned Awesome-Looking Job Opportunity and for some reason, I just cannot get motivated. It's not the job, it's not anything else, it's just me. I want to get going on this wedding planning, start making money, have a job, planning our life, finish decorating this place some time before we move out. Yet still, even if I do get this job, training doesn't even begin until November 1st, which means there will not be a paycheck until mid-November, which means we would be yet another month behind on planning a wedding in a locale that fills up sometimes two years in advance. And it's not just the wedding that's making us feel behind. We are so sick of renting and we really want to buy a home, but before we could even qualify for a loan, I have to be - yes, you guessed it - working. And on top of those things, Shitty Shawn raised the rent on us dramatically and it now seems as though we are back at square one, broke all the time and unable to do anything. (Grrrrr... remind me never to tell you about the Renewing of the Lease Incident for fear that my blood pressure will rise so rapidly that my head might just pop off entirely. Good God, I'm so sick of stupid-ass landlords. We want our own place! And now!) Oh yeah, one more thing. I have this interview tomorrow and just when I'm so proud of the fact that I can now go to a job interview and relish in my new beautiful nails instead of hiding my chewed fingertips, an ink pen explodes all over my hands. So now my new lovely hands are stained in massive amounts of black ink. Wonderful.

*sigh*

Everything's held up by everything else and it's making me feel like I'm banging my head on the sneeze guard and unable to taste the buffet right before me.

Me: Peas! There's the peas! Can I have some peas, please?
Chef: Do you have a plate?
Me: Half a plate actually. I'm saving up for the other half in a couple of months.
Chef: Well, you can only have the peas if you have a full plate.
Me: What? Crap. Okay, how about some mashed potatoes?
Chef: Nope, sorry. We can give you the gravy though.
Me: What good is gravy without the mashed potatoes? Okay, whatever. I'll take the gravy.
Chef: Okay, great. That will be a $400 deposit.
Me: What?? For gravy??
Chef: Yes, but you get it back whenever you purchase the full plate. Would you rather have chicken instead? There's no deposit on that one and it's absolutely free.
Me: I'm vegetarian.
Chef: Oh. Well, we can't help you then. Sorry.

Such is life.

I was offered a job today. It wasn't the one I wanted. Nor was it the one I was promised. It makes me angry that I was played.

Normally I love Autumn. This year I hate it. The colors don't seem half as vivid as usual and today I had to turn the heater on for the first time. It's lost its luster for me this year somehow.

I just don't care much about this place lately. Nothing personal.

I wish I had something more interesting to tell you. But I don't.

Tonight we are hosting my mom and her boyfriend Mike for dinner. We have an entire Mexican fiesta planned.

All of a sudden, I have the beginnings of a migraine.

Really, universe. What are the damned odds?