Burlap Soul

Sitting on a Secret

It's no secret around here that we are often flat broke on any given day. We might have the occasional dinner out if we're lucky, but for the most part, we struggle to get from paycheck to paycheck.

So, with that said, can you guess what in the world we just bought that costs this much money?

Go ahead. Figure it out.

*tick, tock, tick, tock*

Okay.. I guess if you really don't know the answer, I could just show you this instead.

Shhhh, you're the only people who know.

We've decided on September. :-)

TGIF, Indeed

Since it seems that I am not in the best of moods today and have been unbelievably tired lately, I haven't posted much substance this week. I'm in serious need of a chiropractor visit, considering A) that I have a 23 year old serious neck injury that's never been treated and B) that lately it's getting so bad I walk around with constant neck pain while playing Migraine Roulette as a result of this weird stiffness and/or pain. I would also love a serious massage as I have this massive Knot 'O' Tension at the base of my neck that gives me great problems and has been doing so for years. Enough about my ailments though. It's Payday Friday which is like double chocolate cake after weeks like this, so we are off for Chinese food and a trip to Barnes & Noble. Enjoy your own little Friday's Feast on me.

Appetizer - If you could have a free subscription to any magazine, which one would you like to have? Rolling Stone - because I love reading it, but don't think it's worth what they charge for it and Esquire - because I love reading it and think it is worth way more than they charge for it.

Soup - If you were to suddenly become famous, what would you choose as your stage name? Annastazia? Oooh, no wait. Annastazia Carmichael. Hee hee hee.. that's good. You can add Carmichael to anything and it immediately sounds aristocratic.

Salad - What ingredients make an awesome salad? Dressing? Croutons? I don't know. I hate salad. I've never liked raw produce in any form since I was a kid.

Main Course - What do you like most about your current job? All the time off. Get it? Heh, yeah I'm feeling the cheese tonight.

Dessert - Who is your favorite instrumental musician (not a singer)? I've always liked Marty Friedman's work because it's such relaxing and ethereal stuff and you would never know that he was also the guitarist for Megadeth.

Have a great weekend, all.

So many facts, so little time

So many things swirling around in my tired, tired head tonight. Assignments and projects out the wazoo, my growing disgust with the insanely cold temperatures we've been having lately, the general lack of personal time that comes with being back in school, the other Really Big Thing that isn't quite ready to be shared here yet, the constant neediness of the animals, the growing cabin fever that's making me crazy, the general lack of time and focus and concentration that's becoming more and more common nowadays, the general annoyances with money, the good things that I never seem to take the time to share like I should, all the things I wanted to say to the people that never got a holiday card from me but should've, the overwhelming sense of burnout I have from taking care of six very-bored-and-cabin-fevered animals everyday, the fact that some days I feel like the Carpet Stain Detective instead of an animal lover, the fact that a lot of the time on here I never tell some of you how much you mean to me and how much I consider you my very best friends, the fact that I know that I am full of promises that I don't keep, the fact that I will be finally graduating college in less than 100 days and still have no idea what in the hell I want to do with my life, the neverending clutter that is this condo, the fact that that clutter drives me fucking crazy and makes it very hard for me to concentrate, the fact that for as many ideas as I have there is not enough money to buy all the shelves and cabinets it would take to clean it all up, the fact that things are actually looking very optimistic for us lately but I'm just so tired that I can't seem to enjoy it as I should, the fact that for every single one of these facts that I type it does not convey what I am feeling nor does it erase my tiredness and scattered thoughts.

*sigh* Here's to Friday.

Music Baton

Passed to me from Rasee:

Random 10 (Winamp shuffle):

1. Tori Amos - Sleeps With Butterflies (preview of the new cd downloaded legally from the website, thankyouverymuch)
2. The Donnas - Take It Off
3. Frank Sinatra - Fly Me to the Moon
4. Ray Charles - Drown in My Own Tears
5. Azure Ray - Sleep
6. They Might Be Giants - Man It's So Loud in Here
7. Theme Song to 3-2-1 Contact
8. Over the Rhine - Everyman's Daughter
9. Tori Amos - Mountain
10. Leonard Cohen - The Future

1. What is the total amount of music files on your computer?
There was a time when nearly 90% of our hard drive was music files, but I've been keeping them burned onto data cds for about the past year - so very very little.

2. The last CD you bought is:
Jonatha Brooke - Back in the Circus

3. What is the song you last listened to before this message?
Tori Amos - Mountain

4. Write down five songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you.
This changes every week with me...
David Wilcox - All My Life (special meaning for me and J.)
The Jayhawks - All the Right Reasons (another special one for us)
Over the Rhine - Jesus in New Orleans
Tori Amos - Virginia
Jonatha Brooke - Charming

5. Who are you gonna pass this stick to (three persons and why)?
Shelby - because I'm curious
Kat - because I'm curious
Jess - because I know she's got tons of music on that new toy of hers ;-)

Update:

Just for CyberJazzDaddy, I'm posting the 3-2-1 Contact theme here for a short time. Even if you don't recognize the name of the song, you might remember the show from the theme song. To this day, I still find myself humming it whenever I'm counting backwards. Amazing how old childhood stuff stays in your head for so long.

Sorry. Took it down. Your loss. ;-)

Participation Positives :-)

-- Mom stopped by today and brought me a dog sweater that she had bought for Gypsy
-- It looked hysterical and we had a good laugh while torturing her in it
-- Hanging out with mom later in the seventh ring of hell Walmart and..
-- learning more about different fabrics and looking at patterns for things that I might actually be able to sew
-- Trying on some hilarious Easter hats with mom and laughing hysterically
-- Laughing more with mom about how the nasty brand of organic hot dogs looked like 'really old used dildos' and giggling in the produce aisle when an elderly couple looked as us all shocked
-- Getting some homework done today in the digital photo lab and trying my best to stay on top of assignments without skipping class and half-assing my homework this semester like I usually do
-- Taking Gypsy to the dog park today for nearly an hour and watching her thoroughly make an ass of herself while circling an English Bulldog puppy like mad
-- Being only 5 minutes from the dog park and..
-- having a few hours of sunshine in order to enjoy it in the middle of January
-- A purring Raven on my lap
-- Laughing when the kitties touch noses only to shock the shit out of each other at night and create sparks in the dark
-- Even though I was all pissed that Ghost had peed on my brand new winter coat last week, I was so happy when it washed right out so easily
-- Now whenever I breathe deep into my collar, it smells like 'Spring Rain' detergent
-- J. starts his new job today and so far, has really loved it
-- They even prepared a nice new cubicle for him with a little t-shirt - hee
-- Hearing him so happy, like a little kid with a new car
-- Knowing that when he leaves work at 5, he will be home by 5:30 instead of 7pm
-- No more 90 minute commute = more time together during daylight = woohoo!
-- Taking some really nice shots of a local cemetary last Friday and really liking the photos thus far
-- Dusting off my old Canon and playing with film again - awesome
-- Having the money to pay our cell phone bill is very refreshing
-- Sunday with J. in which we discuss our new plan of no-engagement-just-set-a-date and...
-- trying on rings with an actual non-obnoxious saleslady in the mall and...
-- actually finding a bridal set that I liked that looked really nice on me - very rare indeed! (I usually can't stand girly-looking jewelry)
-- J. figuring out what size his ring finger is and then trying on some very cool looking bands and...
-- me realizing that he looks damn handsome with a wedding band on, like it's supposed to be there - hee
-- My surprise when instead of picking the smallest band imaginable, he looked right at me and said "I like the 5mm!" :-)
-- Our conversation later when we got home and discussed how much everything costs and how sad he was about it all - and then our better conversation about how much we want it and how much he wants to make me his wife this year right-this-very-minute - I've never felt so loved
-- I am so very glad to have found someone like him
-- Through all of our arguments and faults, we have somehow come out okay and more respectful and loving with each other...
-- and I love that most of all
-- J. exchanging the video card he got for Christmas and then getting a free upgrade because the original gift didn't work - oh the games we can play now!
-- I am feeling much more empowered and happy lately and I think it's because I'm back in photography and feeling my oats again
-- It could also be because I am graduating in May (according to my little counter over on the left, that is only 103 days away - wow)
-- Talking to my best friend Pasty on the phone the other night and trying desperately to arrange a trip up here for her soon
-- I have food to eat and clean water to drink
-- I have a warm roof over my head in subzero temperatures
-- I have a little family full of warm furry heaters and J. to keep me warm under the covers on cold, cold nights
-- I am doing okay in my last semester of school and not slacking off like I usually do in the winter
-- I haven't had any beef or pork for over a year and I've been vegetarian for nearly 6 months
-- I still love it and feel as though it's one of the best decisions I ever made - it has brought me a great deal of peace
-- I have this wonderful little condo that really feels like home to me
-- I'm broke but I'm happy
-- We have hopes, we have dreams, we have new doors on the horizon..
-- and that is truly a wonderful, wonderful thing

Sparkles = Love*

It's a rarity when I am so emotionally touched that I feel like crying. But somehow, he has done it to me many, many times in the past five years.

And somehow, I still love him for it.

* Yes, I am totally kidding about that title. I actually agree wholeheartedly with his entire stand on the diamonds, but in the end I am still a girl and in the end I did definitely get googly eyed when I tried that sucker on under those oh-so-pretty mall lights. 'Oooh, ahhh.. I am loved!' Stupid estrogen.

The End of an Era

Johnny Carson has died. I cannot tell you how weird this feels and frankly, how much it just sucks. Johnny Carson was a huge part of my childhood and I loved him endlessly. Saturday Night Live was one thing, but Carson was always another. Even as a kid, it seemed that I was always welcome in his house, that we were all just regular people with funny stories to tell. I loved that about him and I have to say that some of the best moments I had with my father growing up were when we were watching The Tonight Show laughing hysterically. Personally, I think Jay Leno sucks and I can't even stand to watch the man perform, but then again.. how do you follow someone so great to begin with? To this day, every single late night talk show host that comes up will be constantly compared to Johnny Carson - as they should be. He had a certain class about him that just seems to be gone nowadays. I love Letterman, but I'll always miss Johnny's style.

It feels as though I have just lost a very dear childhood friend, as though a chunk of our generation's past is now gone forever. You'll be missed Johnny... very very much.

Photo Friturday

Because I am always a day late and a dollar short, I give you my Photo Friday submission on Saturday. The topic for this week is 'Crowded.'

So many books, so little space.

Rowrrr

I felt like vamping it up a little around here. Hope you like it. Let me know if the link/font colors are difficult to see.

And because I'm tired and don't feel like recounting the past week - which was good, but still exhausting - here are some memes that might just tell you what my week was like anyway. Except you know, I wouldn't have to think or write or anything. Score.

IN THE LAST 24 HRS, HAVE YOU...
Cried? No
Helped someone? Yes
Bought something? Yes
Gotten sick? No
Gone to the movies? No
Said 'I love you'?: Yes
Written a real letter: No
Talked to an ex?: Um, no.
Missed an ex?: Ha ha haaaa... no.
Written in a journal?: Yes
Had a serious talk?: No
Missed someone? Yes
Hugged someone? Yes

y = yes, n = no, ? = can't remember

IN THE LAST 30 DAYS, HAVE YOU:
(y) made a wish
(y) tied your shoes
(y) eaten cake
(n) signed a contract
(n) made something explode
(n) directly and knowingly supported the pornography industry
(y) sent something through the US mail
(y) been very angry
(n) gone a day without eating
(n) stolen something you considered "insignificant" (ink pen from the bank)
(y) watched more than three different television shows
(y) prayed
(y) had a conversation that you considered very personally meaningful
(n) been intoxicated by any substance
(n) thrown up
(n) gotten paid
(n) gone a night without sleeping
(n) broken something you like by accident
(n) envied someone very strongly
(y) finished an artistic project
(n) hated
(y) made very loud noise
(y) made noise that was too loud
(y) given a thumbs up
(y) agreed to go out of state
(y) slept in a bed that is not, or has never been, your own
(?) sampled (up to interpretation) (whaaa?)
(n) listened to Pat Benatar's "Love Is a Battlefield"
(n) been drunk
(n) smoked pot
(y) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(n) rode in a taxi
(n) been dumped
(n) been fired
(y) been in a fight (argument)
(n) snuck out of your parent's house
(y) broken the law (every day - I'm a bit of a leadfoot)
(n) made out with a stranger
(n) stole something from my job
(y) saw someone you haven't seen in years
(y) fibbed to a friend
(n) had a crush on a teacher
(n) been to europe
(n) been out of the country
(y) skipped school
(y) said something you regretted instantly
(n) read a good book
(y) tried something new
(n) broken your word
(y) ended up not doing what you planned to do
(y) cried
(y) kept your mouth shut in order to keep the peace

CURRENTS:
Current mood: tired
Current music: Tori Amos & Robert Plant - Down by the Seaside
Current taste: nothing
Current hair: ponytail, full of static
Current clothes: J.'s Michigan sweatshirt and sweats
Current annoyance(s): the way this day has gone
Current longing: warmer weather
Current desktop picture: January Calendar wallpaper from Kate.net
Current book(s): Amy Tan - The Joy Luck Club (if I can ever get through the damn thing.. I'm too tired to read lately it seems)
Current color of toenails: nude and covered in sock lint
Current hate: Nothing really, I'm trying not to hate as much.

QUESTIONS:
What is in your cd player?: Encomium - A tribute to Led Zeppelin (something I bought years ago for only one song)
What color socks are you wearing?: Dark blue over top of white athletic socks - my feet are never warm
What color underwear are you wearing?: burgundy
What's under your bed?: collapsed cardboard boxes and maybe a cat or two
What time did you wake up today?: 9:30am

LASTS:
Last cigarette: never
Last car ride: this afternoon coming back from shooting some pictures of the snow
Last good cry: after watching Garden State with J. the other night (but it was a good cry ;-)
Last library book checked out: Appalachian Portraits by Shelby Lee Adams (for my photo history presentation in December)
Last movie seen: Garden State (loved it!)
Last beverage drank: water
Last food consumed: So-so Mexican food
Last time showered: Yesterday
Last phone call received: J. calling from work earlier today
Last shoes worn: black snow boots
Last cd played: Jonatha Brooke - Back in the Circus
Last item bought: Film (both color and black & white)
Last annoyance: the thought processes of men
Last disappointment: Not being able to buy my Photoshop book
Last time wanting to die: Briefly for a day when I found out I was going to have to repeat this damn statistics lab again back in December
Last shirt worn: grey man's sweater that J. never wears
Last website visited: colormatch for getting hex codes
Last word you said: Ghost!
Last song you sang: Tori & Robert Plant - Down by the Seaside

You

There are some times when I can totally relive every moment, every dinner, every single place that we have loved each other.

It will strike me with complete clarity and I will remember every detail. Today, it was the Chinese restaurant. I can still taste that special tea in the tiny cups and know exactly how many sugar packets you like to add (3) and then feel your leg brush against my leg as we bump elbows and comment on the red walls and amazing chandelier. I love how you refill my cup even before I ask. How you always give me your mushrooms and water chestnuts and how you will always eat my peppers. I can hear the timbre of your voice as we talk our talk silently and connected so that no one else can hear. I love how we have always sat on the same side in every booth we've been in since March of 2000. I love how angry you got when we went to Bucca di Beppo and they wouldn't let us sit on the same side and were rude to us for even asking. I love that we haven't gone back there because of that one experience, how we quietly rebel against those that don't let us love each other in restaurants as they are our favorite places to touch. I love how you get slightly disappointed when we are seated at a table instead of a booth and then how you will pull your chair really close to mine and annoy every waiter that has to walk around your chair just so that you can be close to me. I love how you always reach for my hand while we discuss the menu and then kiss my forehead right when I lay my head on your shoulder, as if on cue. I love how I can always bend my head ever so slightly and you will still kiss my forehead in mid-sentence, every single time, without thinking. I love how you still ask for permission to kiss me. I love how complete you look when you make me laugh. I love how you brush my hair aside when I'm laying on the pillow and how you still look at me after five years of togetherness and act as though you are truly just seeing me again for the first time.

I love how well you know me, yet how much "Love" remains unknown. I love how every place we go becomes our place. I love how I can choose to remain open to you for days on end and wake up without any scars from my choices. I love that beside every old worry line on my forehead, there is now a new laugh line in my heart. I love how, day after day, I can stand at your counter and trade all my old dull memories for new shiny ones. I love how every day with you is an adventure in letting go.

The Capitalism-Loud-and-Proud Meme

Okay, so maybe that's not the real title, but it's what I'm affectionately calling this one, stolen from Laura:

Grooming Products
Shampoo - Paul Mitchell Tea Tree, Nizoral in the winter (I have dermatitis of the scalp)
Moisturizer - Neutrogena but I'm looking for something better (again, with the horribly extra dry skin problem, not much works)
Cologne - none for me thanks.
Razor - Reminton Wet/Dry Ladies' Electric (I haven't used a razor in years, I hate them)
Toothpaste - Crest Whitening or Mentadent Whitening

Electronics
Cell phone - Nokia
Computer - Whatever this thing is - Archaic 400BC ;-)
Television - Magnavox
Stereo - Aiwa in the living room, JVC in the office

Home
Sheets - Dark Fuschia cotton ones from Target
Coffee-maker - Not Applicable
Car - 2000 Oldsmobile Alero V6 with leather interior - oh yes.
Stationery - Wherever, I love anything cool - I'm not a stationery snob

Beverages
Bottled water - Evian - and yes, I am a bottled water snob
Coffee - None for me thanks.
Vodka - Don't drink.
Beer - Still not drinking.

Clothes
Jeans - Levi's 505's or 529's. The perfect jeans.
T-shirt - Any place that sells baby tee's that are funny as hell - I'll buy them.
Briefcase or tote - How about backpack? Columbia.
Sneakers - Easy Spirit - oh yes.
Watch - It's been only a Garfield watch since I was 12, but I'm starting to lean toward something a little more classy. As long as it's comfortable, unique and non-digital, I'm all for it.

Favorite Places
The Discovery Store, World Market, Target, Organized Living, Anything in Manhattan, Victoria's Secret, and Value City - where I can buy insanely comfortable $100 Calvin Klein jeans for $5.

Necessary Extravagance
Panera on Sunday afternoons, Chipotle on Friday nights, and Bath and Body Works Body Wash, Lotion and Candles all in Sweet Pea.

Banned Bullshit

For the life of me, I cannot figure out why anyone would ever decide that a book must be banned. Not only is it one of the most pompous acts of asinine ignorance imaginable, but it personally makes me want to scream. Freedom of the press is there for a reason and if my kid wants to bring home The Anarchists' Cookbook, that's fine with me. I would hope that somewhere along the way, I had the parental balls to teach him or her not to do half the shit that's in that book, rather than just blaming it on the book itself and not allowing the book into my house. If you only knew the shit that I brought home without my parents' knowledge. The Anarchists' Cookbook was mild compared to some of the crap that I hid in my bookbag and passed to my friends during lunch. A big group of us actually got detention once for reading The Satanic Verses in a giggly huddle during study hall. I don't regret any controversial book I've read, nor do I think anyone else should. Even if they were the most overhyped pieces of shit ever, I still learned something valuable every time. No matter what anyone says, in the end it's just a book. Whether you want to read it or take it seriously or burn it, that's still your decision and it should still be up to you.

You know what happened when people told me I wasn't allowed to read a particular book? I wanted to read it that much more and practically bribed people to let me see the damn thing.

Duh. You tell kids that they can't have something and you'd better bet your ass that they'll be finding a way to do it anyway just to spite you or strictly because you told them not to. At least I did. Hell, I'm still that way. You know how J. gets me to help out with the dishes? By betting me that I won't do them. I'm a rebellious punk that way and don't like to be told how, why or when I'm supposed to do something. Perhaps that is why I am not at all surprised to find that nearly every book I read in childhood that was one of my favorites is on the Banned Books List of the 90s. Ironically, I read most of them way before 1990 and didn't come out as a psychopath, but ended up well-read and open minded. Imagine that.

the 100 most frequently challenged books of 1990-2000:
(Found over at Christine's. The ones I have read are in bold.)

1. Scary Stories (Series) by Alvin Schwartz
2. Daddy’s Roommate by Michael Willhoite
3. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
4. The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier
5. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
6. Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
7. Harry Potter (Series) by J.K. Rowling
8. Forever by Judy Blume (My mom gave me this book! What the fuck??)
9. Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
10. Alice (Series) by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
11. Heather Has Two Mommies by Leslea Newman
12. My Brother Sam is Dead by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier
13. The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
14. The Giver by Lois Lowry
15. It’s Perfectly Normal by Robie Harris
16. Goosebumps (Series) by R.L. Stine
17. A Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Newton Peck
18. The Color Purple by Alice Walker
19. Sex by Madonna
20. Earth’s Children (Series) by Jean M. Auel
21. The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson
22. A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle
23. Go Ask Alice by Anonymous
24. Fallen Angels by Walter Dean Myers
25. In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak
26. The Stupids (Series) by Harry Allard (These were my absolute favorite books as a child! You have got to be kidding me.)
27. The Witches by Roald Dahl
28. The New Joy of Gay Sex by Charles Silverstein
29. Anastasia Krupnik (Series) by Lois Lowry
30. The Goats by Brock Cole
31. Kaffir Boy by Mark Mathabane
32. Blubber by Judy Blume
33. Killing Mr. Griffin by Lois Duncan
34. Halloween ABC by Eve Merriam
35. We All Fall Down by Robert Cormier
36. Final Exit by Derek Humphry
37. The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood
38. Julie of the Wolves by Jean Craighead George
39. The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison
40. What’s Happening to my Body? Book for Girls: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Daughters by Lynda Madaras
41. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
42. Beloved by Toni Morrison
43. The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton
44. The Pigman by Paul Zindel
45. Bumps in the Night by Harry Allard
46. Deenie by Judy Blume
47. Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes
48. Annie on my Mind by Nancy Garden
49. The Boy Who Lost His Face by Louis Sachar
50. Cross Your Fingers, Spit in Your Hat by Alvin Schwartz
51. A Light in the Attic by Shel Silverstein
52. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
53. Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by A.N. Roquelaure (Anne Rice)
54. Asking About Sex and Growing Up by Joanna Cole
55. Cujo by Stephen King
56. James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl
57. The Anarchist Cookbook by William Powell
58. Boys and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy
59. Ordinary People by Judith Guest
60. American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis
61. What’s Happening to my Body? Book for Boys: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Sons by Lynda Madaras
62. Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret by Judy Blume
63. Crazy Lady by Jane Conly
64. Athletic Shorts by Chris Crutcher
65. Fade by Robert Cormier
66. Guess What? by Mem Fox
67. The House of Spirits by Isabel Allende
68. The Face on the Milk Carton by Caroline Cooney
69. Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut
70. Lord of the Flies by William Golding
71. Native Son by Richard Wright
72. Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women’s Fantasies by Nancy Friday (Haven't heard of this one, but now I definitely want it.)
73. Curses, Hexes and Spells by Daniel Cohen (I was such a Daniel Cohen freak as a girl! I looooved ghost stories!)
74. Jack by A.M. Homes
75. Bless Me, Ultima by Rudolfo A. Anaya
76. Where Did I Come From? by Peter Mayle
77. Carrie by Stephen King
78. Tiger Eyes by Judy Blume
79. On My Honor by Marion Dane Bauer
80. Arizona Kid by Ron Koertge
81. Family Secrets by Norma Klein
82. Mommy Laid An Egg by Babette Cole
83. The Dead Zone by Stephen King
84. The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
85. Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison
86. Always Running by Luis Rodriguez
87. Private Parts by Howard Stern
88. Where’s Waldo? by Martin Hanford (What the living fuck?)
89. Summer of My German Soldier by Bette Greene
90. Little Black Sambo by Helen Bannerman
91. Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett (I bet J. has read this one. He's a big Ken Follet fan lately...)
92. Running Loose by Chris Crutcher
93. Sex Education by Jenny Davis
94. The Drowning of Stephen Jones by Bette Greene
95. Girls and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy
96. How to Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell
97. View from the Cherry Tree by Willo Davis Roberts
98. The Headless Cupid by Zilpha Keatley Snyder
99. The Terrorist by Caroline Cooney
100. Jump Ship to Freedom by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier

Oooh, don't get me started on the whole issue of banning books. It makes me so damn mad. I mean really.. what in the hell is in Where's Waldo that I must protect my kid from? That red and white striped shirts are ugly as shit? Okay, that's fine with me. But really, I think most kids figure that out when they're about five.

Hey Censors.. maybe you should put your nose in the book first before you decide to turn your nose up at it. Idiots.

The Beagle Made Me Do It

Shelby told me that she loves photos of Gypsy and that I shouldn't feel guilty for taking the amount of animal photos that I do. So this one is just for her.

Beware: Extreme Cuteness Factor ahead. You may want to avert your eyes.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Participation Positives

-- I slept for 12 hours last night. Oh Yes.
-- No school today in honor of a legend.
-- Payday weekends - where we get out of the house and spend money - ahhhh.
-- Getting my car back after nearly 3 weeks of being without it!!! (I cannot tell you how happy that makes me. I do not do so well without my transportation)
-- Finally buying my little flash drive so that I can do all of my stats/photoshop assignments at school and not have to deal with anymore stupid Mac/PC conversion crap
-- Now that I have my car back, I can get busy sending stuff for the Warm Fuzzies Project - something that makes me very happy
-- Watching Napoleon Dynamite with my mom and Mike down at her house over the weekend and laughing hysterically
-- J. starts his new job a week from today - bittersweet but good
-- J. installed the new memory we got for Christmas and our computer no longer starts smoking when switching screens - speed! woohoo!
-- I'm so excited about finally getting into photoshop in my digital photo class and...
-- have been feeling extra creative about my photos again as a result
-- The photolog being updated with a new snazzy look that I really like and having a nice new entry to boot
-- Gypsy finally getting to the mudpit dog park this weekend and having such a blast
-- Us playing with a Shiba Inu that rocked our socks while we were there
-- Stopping at Target last night only to find out that they now have this awesome collection!! So my dreams of making our bedroom an Indian paradise can now be accomplished without taking out a 2nd mortgage :-D
-- Having a sewing machine so that I make my own breezy drapes out of Indian fabric - and Asian silk for the office window - without breaking the bank
-- Tonight or tomorrow, J. and I will finally be able to sit down and watch Garden State - something I've wanted to see for a while
-- Getting two dr.'s office type chairs from my mom that are really nice and then learning that the kitties have quickly claimed them
-- Being able to do so much homework online this semester and turn everything in via internet - very convenient and not so much printing (we're charged for every page we print at my school now and it's a royal pain in the ass)
-- No rain for nearly 3 days and even though we've had about an inch of snow, there's been nothing but sunshine!
-- The very real possibility that after graduation is over, I may be working full-time and attending school part-time so that I can get a 2nd Bachelor's degree in Photography within another year - oh hell yes! You have no idea how excited that makes me!
-- Having chinese food leftovers from one of my favorite local places waiting for me in the fridge today
-- Drinking more water, eating less junk food, cutting back on sweets - looks like I've lost about 20 pounds since the summer - (though that could be a mix of better eating habits and thyroid medication - I'm finally starting to lose the extra weight that hypothyroidism put on me)
-- Sleeping beagles in the office sunbeam
-- Sleeping kitties next to me when I wake up
-- The way Jekyll knocks over obstacles to come and lick my nose when I'm sitting on the toilet - every. single. morning.
-- J. for changing froggy's water and doing all the dishes for me last night when I didn't feel well
-- Talking to the guy at Petsmart last night and discovering that Froggy's life expectancy is about 10 years - holy crap! He's only middle-aged!
-- Jonatha Brooke's 'Charming' - love that song
-- Tori has a new album coming out next month and I'm already excited (duh)
-- I have happy and healthy animals that love me and I love them
-- I have food to eat and clean water to drink
-- I have healthy lungs for breathing
-- I have family that are just as twisted as me when it comes to humor
-- I have J. - who tries to always remind himself of what's important regardless of what's going on around us
-- I have a place that I like coming home to everyday
-- Every day I overcome a new obstacle to get to who I am going to be
-- And I find that fantastic :-)

I think I left the photolog on.

Lo and behold, not only does the photolog have a new look, but it's actually been updated - with real live photos.

Like, woah.

This Isn't Just My Negativity Outlet, ya know

Things that are making me happy today:

-- Email from J. just saying 'I love you'
-- It's paydayyyyy!!!!
-- Having a very cool conversation with Dr. G (head of the psych dept) today and feeling as though he respects me as a student and a person - very cool
-- Consequently after that, having a very cool q & a session with the registrar about some post-graduate scholastic plans and walking away hopeful if not fully excited
-- Discovering Photoshop in Digital Photo I and feeling my creative horizon blow wide open
-- Though it would be so easy to skip some of the classes I'm in, I've gone a full week without doing so and feel great about it (trust me, that's huge!)
-- It's Friday, it's cold but it's sunny for the 1st time weeks, it's actually not raining, and I feel very very good!

Ben what?

As usual, Julia's latest entry is one of the best damn things I've read in a long time.

Which reminds me, if I want to start having any real fun in life, I've got to get some new best friends.

God, are you there? It's me, Staz.

This one is a little long, but there are some questions at the end that I would really like some feedback on if you wouldn't mind.

It would be appropriate to say that I am on a sort of 'spiritual quest' right now. Though I'm preferring to call it more of a 'spiritual evolution.' (Boy, there's a phrase that would piss some people off, huh?)

The truth is that I've been thinking about this for a long time. I believe there is something, but I don't know what it is or what form it takes. I like structure in my religion, ceremonies, rituals that are symbolic of something greater. Not "now we will do this and then we will do this because this is the way it was done 500 years ago and that's that so stop asking questions." I've always found a certain dogma about religions and so have avoided them for the better part of the last 15 years. However, I also don't like swinging to the total opposite side of that spectrum and sitting in a ceremony that doesn't want to offend anyone or anything and has no structure whatsoever.

J. and I once went to a Unitarian Universalist worship that lasted three hours and was full of ambiguity and confusion. The entire UU religion may not actually be this way, but this particular church rubbed us the wrong way and therefore didn't make the greatest first impression. Initially I was excited because there was a female minister and she told us a story of hiking up a mountain and how it helped her to open her mind and her heart. But then after the sermon, it became an open-mic night for all the pessimists in the room to spout their troubles and complaints about life and then ask for everyone else to fix their problems with 'good thoughts,' 'universal energy' and 'whatever you might believe in.' The entire ceremony was laden with political correctness. No one said 'God' or 'Prayer' or 'Meditation' or even 'Goddess.' Every sentence kind of went something like this:

"So tonight when you go home and pray.. er, meditate.. or um, whatever you do... to God.. er, um, the Universe.. er, the Universal Order... or um, whatever you happen to believe in, please say a prayer.. er, chant.. er, think a good thought... for me and my ex-husband Ed who are trying to keep it together for the kids."

And then the next person would come up to the microphone and it would go on like this for nearly 3 hours. J. and I were squirming in our seats and I was ready to scream from this insanely scattered thing we were calling 'worship.' You see, I'm a very cut-the-shit kind of girl. (Perhaps you've noticed?) Political correctness drives me fucking crazy and I honestly wish that we could just call an orange 'Orange' without worrying that we will offend all the apples who live next to door to those sensitive Nectarines. I understand that there are some terms that are always offensive and for the most part, I'm very diplomatic about that. I'll never call someone 'retarded' because I just think it's horribly offensive anyway and I always use the correct racial/gender terms just because I know how annoyed some of my Native American friends get when you call them Indians. They're not from India, asshole. That's a whole other country. I completely understand that and I'm very respectful about it.

But I'm also not stupid and self-righteous enough to be mortally offended that you said the word 'God' in my presence. If you want to call it God, do it. If you want to say 'The Universe,' go ahead. I'll understand. Just because you said 'I prayed to God' doesn't mean that I have to suddenly start believing in your version of God and go off the hook that you even mentioned your faith in my house. If you stood on the top of my building and proclaimed loudly that you had prayed to magic elephants that promised you an afterlife of cotton candy sex with the characters of Candyland, that's cool. I really don't care. Don't censor yourself for the sake of not offending anyone that's different from you. Say what you mean. That's what's important to me. That's what makes you you and I'm all for that.

My point however is this. I've tried lots of different things in my life and nothing has really made me feel close to what I refer to simply as 'God'. I was raised deep in the hellfire-and-brimstone theology of Southern Baptism and it probably messed me up quite a bit. I've taken the Belief-O-Matic quiz about ten times and have always had the same top ten in my list yet I'm still completely ignorant about almost all of them. I've attended interfaith ceremonies, personal yoga meditations and many Catholic masses. I've spent years as an Atheist and then Agnostic and then finally just gave up and decided that I was Pagan and worshipped only the nature that I could see before me. I've seen and considered a lot of different types of faith in my life, but still have not found exactly what I am looking for.

So this year I've made some small little goals for myself spiritually. There are a few religions and faiths that I've always been very interested in, but have been too afraid to try. Number one on that list is Judaism. Particularly Reform Judiasm. We have so many really nice synagogues in this city and I feel so stupid when I pull up to them and then drive away because I am too afraid of trying something new. Religion is an extremely personal thing to me. I don't discuss it with anyone - not even J. really. So walking into a place of worship and having everyone ask me a million questions about where I came from and why I'm there is intimidating to me. I'd much rather just sit in the back as an observer and soak it all in before I step up and make my move.

Number two on my list is Buddhism. The concept of community and the search for inner peace is probably the most important element of any religion for me. Rules and doctrine are not so important to me as feeling accepted and having a loving relationship with the powers that be.

I don't like to judge people. I refuse to walk around thinking that any religion is the 'right' one and any other religion is somehow 'wrong.' Hell, even my holiday cards never say Christmas on them because I don't like to exclude anyone. Having been raised in a part of the country that shoves the Bible in your face at every opportunity, I know what it's like to feel alone on Christmas and I wouldn't inflict that on anyone else.

There are some days of worship at many different places that I'm going to try to attend this year. I don't want to go another year wondering and being full of questions all because I kept driving by in the name of fear and nervousness. Whether any of the paths I choose bring me any clarity or not, I'd still like to know that I tried. That I didn't turn something away because I was too afraid to give it a chance. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't want a semi-cheatsheet on some of these things. Sort of a 'What to Know Before You Go' guide on certain religious ceremonies. That's where you guys come in.

Basically my questions for you readers are these:

What takes place in a Friday night Shabbat at a temple?
Do I need to dress up?
What am I expected to do or say?

What takes place in a Buddhist meditation?
Should I be expected to do yoga or some other physical process?
Is there a dress code or a protocol for greeting Buddhist monks?

These may sound like silly questions to you, but for me they are the main reasons that I am too afraid to try some of these new things. I'm always afraid that I will do or say something that is deemed offensive when I am just asking a question and then I will be forever banished because of my ignorance.

There are probably other types of faith that I might explore and have questions about later, but for now these are the ones that are really drawing me in and making me curious. I don't pretend to know the first damn thing about any of these, but I do know that I'm sick of not knowing. This year, I'm going to try desperately to fix that. If you could throw me any help on that front, well let's just say that I would be very, very grateful.

Weird Winter

Currently here in Cincinnati, it is a lovely 65 degrees. You wouldn't believe it in the middle of January, but it seriously feels like the beginning of Spring outside. The sun isn't out yet and it's still wet and overcast and we're still under what seems to be a constant floodwatch, but you wouldn't know by the temperature in here. People are out on their porches, sitting in chairs and talking, cleaning out their rugs, as if it's time for spring cleaning again. We have our sliding glass door open and the windows are open too. The kitties are soaking up that fresh air and Gypsy is sacked out at my feet. We walked all the way around the condo complex for nearly an hour, taking trails and walking alongside the creeks and woods. Dandelions are actually starting to pop up in the grass, unaware of this cruel trick of Mother Nature.

Friday it's supposed to be back down in the 20s again and windy and cold and - you guessed it - wet. Typical Cincinnati winter. Wet as hell and winds of ice that cut you in half. But today is wonderful and I think it's something we all needed. I do not kid you when I say that it has not stopped raining here since Christmas. Seriously. I would expect this kind of weather in March, but not January. Flooding all over the rivers, huge mudslides in California, nonstop blizzards in Nevada, massively destructive tsunamis in Asia. I don't think I'm alone when I watch the news at night and think, 'what the hell is going on?'

But today? Today, for me, is very very nice and I'll cherish it as it comes. It could really be so, so much worse.

Mind-melted Memes

I'm feeling a little out of sorts today from my sleep patterns being all messed up lately. So I give you memes. Wee!

Guilty Pleasures: The Meme via Michele.

CD I have in my car that I roll up the windows to listen to
Nothing really. I have no shame when it comes to torturing everyone else with the music I'm listening to.

Book I read flat so no one could see the title
The Catholic Girls' Guide to Sex - not because I was afraid of anyone staring at me while I laughed hysterically at a sex book, but because I didn't want anyone to think that I was catholic. Go figure.

Crappiest song ever sung at karaoke
I've never done karaoke, but you can guarantee that I'll pick the most annoying song ever when I finally do. Like Abba.

Bad movie I watch repeatedly
Roadhouse with Patrick Swayze. My friends and I have so many running jokes about that one that I have to watch it whenever it's on. It's just too damn funny.

Article of clothing I love though I know it's wrong
This great t-shirt I bought over the summer. It's brown and very tight and makes my breasts looks huge. Across the boobs, it has the old logo for Milk Chocolate Whoppers. I love watching people stare at me in disbelief and then look away embarassed because they think I don't get the joke.

What I order at the bar when no one is listening
I don't drink, but I'm so eager to try all those liquors in unique bottles that come in weird colors. Like that blue Sapphire shit. I want to drink blue liquor!

Fast food item I adore
Used to be Arby's Chicken-Bacon-n-Swiss, but vegetarianism kind of cured that one. I'm still a slave to Skyline coneys though, but now I get chili-cheese sandwiches - no hotdog.

A TV show that is a good example of the downfall of civilization that I love anyway
Family Guy or Aquateen Hunger Force

Type in every letter of the alphabet in your browser and see what comes up:

A: www.amazon.com
B: bestfriendspetresort.com
C: chastitycatt.com
D: dearx.com
E: endocrineweb.com
F: funnylipshape.org
G: gmail.google.com
H: hallmark.com
I: imood.com
J: joyunexpected.com
K: katspaws.blogs.com
L: live365.com
M: miriam-webster online
N: newportonthelevee.com
O: ordinarymorning.net
P: petsmart.com (duh)
Q: -- nothing, sorry
R: redroofinn.com
S: stardusted.soreal.org
T: The Animal Rescue Site
U: -- nothing again, sorry
V: -- nope, nothing here
W: worldtimezone.com
X: -- yeah right
Y: yahoo.com
Z: -- zip, zelch

And lastly...
If you were a contestant on a trivia-style game show, what category would you most want to see displayed when it came down to the million-dollar question? All Things Tori Amos, Animal Behavior or Theatre Jargon. All guaranteed ways for me to easily earn a cool million.

I'm exhausted guys.. I had this big long post I wanted to do, but I've just got to get some sleep. Nite-nite.

Back In Town

When I was a child, there was this series of childrens' books that I absolutely adored. I knew all of the characters and had almost every single book in the series. Every year on my birthday, I would receive the newest ones in the series and they became my favorite presents - despite everything else that was wrapped up on the kitchen table.

Sweet Pickles were more than just books to me though. The characters, the streets, the businesses, they were all were my extended family. As a child, I learned to read in order to escape the pain of my reality. I sunk my nose in a book every chance I got not only because it was a welcome respite from the physical arguments, chaos and insults of an abusive life, but because when I was reading, I was quiet and therefore 'out of trouble.' Books became my haven at a very early age.

Sweet Pickles was different though. They were full of actual characters that were like me or at least I had friends that were just as annoying as 'Kidding Kangaroo' or as hurtful as 'Accusing Alligator.' I was a child of poverty and therefore, an easy victim of bullies and elementary school insults. But when I would read my Sweet Pickles books, I got to pretend that I was as smart as my favorite character 'Clever Camel' or as confident as 'Zany Zebra.'

The most special thing about these books for me was the back covers. Every one had a map of the town and each character's house was labeled. It was an incredibly intricate map that was so realistic, I often got lost in there. I would follow the stories and trace each characters' route on the maps. I promised myself that someday I would move to Sweet Pickles and everything would be different. I wouldn't be yelled at in front of everyone at the store for small, stupid reasons. I wouldn't be constantly told to shut up, sit down and leave everyone else alone. I wouldn't be told that my mother didn't love me anymore and that I wasn't allowed to even call her mommy when my new stepmother was around. I wouldn't be told that I was nothing, worthless and stupid. In Sweet Pickles, I would be me and if I wanted to talk a lot, it would be okay. Even 'Yakkity Yak' talked more than anyone I knew and everyone still loved him.

So many, many days and nights, I spent imagining that I lived in the town of Sweet Pickles and that I too had a house with its own unique personality and that the entire town knew me and welcomed me, even with all my faults. It was a place where I could be me and everyone loved me all the same - no matter what. So many times when I was being yelled at or when I was whipped with a belt and locked in my room for calling my new stepmother 'Karen' instead of 'mommy'... so many days when adults were screaming and fighting and I would hear pounding on the walls.. so many times when I felt like a failure because I couldn't make straight-A's like my dad wanted me to... I ran straight for the bookshelf and into another world. I would lay out all of the books, covering almost the entire floor and then I would open them all to the back covers. Maps upon maps upon maps.. enough so that it made me actually feel as though I could fall into this world if I could just make the Map-Square big enough for my whole body. Sometimes, I would lie on the open books and cry to 'Clever Camel' who I imagined would hold me and call over his friends and they would make me a cake and tell me that I was smart and funny and invite me to spend the night.

It seems silly sometimes to know that books were such a huge refuge to me as a child. I was surrounded by woods and streams and dogs and cousins. Yet none of them provided me with the relief that my Sweet Pickles books did. I knew every word of every story, yet I never got tired of reading them.

Many years later, when the age of 11 came, I had already grown into older and more advanced books. Sweet Pickles seemed childish to me then, but I still kept them because I always loved the way they made me feel. So one day when I came home from school, my newest (and most evil) stepmother Billie had purged my room of nearly all of my toys. We were already fierce enemies, so this didn't sit well with me at all. My step-siblings got to choose what they no longer wanted, but not me. She had already decided what I should and should not have and had taken so many things that I cherished and thrown them all into a massive box in the back yard. When I arrived home, I didn't understand what was going on. My room had been ransacked and no one was to be found.

Then I looked out my window.

There was Billie, standing next to our wildly burning brushpile, throwing all of my things onto it and laughing with her kids. Their things were in garbage bags waiting to go to Goodwill, but mine were not. My giant yellow bunny that had been given to me as a baby from my recently deceased Papa Den, various stuffed animals that my mother had given to me for various holidays, and lastly, my beloved Sweet Pickles books. I watched as she turned to my window after the bus came back down our street. She knew I was home and she knew right where I was. She looked right at me, then through me and then - I swear to God - she smiled. There goes my Yellow Bunny - shrinking into a mass of charred ashes, cotton flying into the air and those soft pink eyes popping off into the fire. There goes all those little heart trinkets my mother had just bought me for Valentines Day - all melting into one giant red pile of plastic on top of the yellow cotton of my bunny. And then when she pulled my Sweet Pickles books out of that box, I screamed so loud and began to wail as though something had just broken inside. I watched helplessly as she burned them on that pile, one. by. one. I watched as 'Clever Camel' and 'Imitating Iguana' disintegrated into ash before my very eyes. My entire collection, my entire world of loving friends, my entire private safe haven - gone.

Something broke in me that day. That was the day that I officially decided that not only was my new stepmother the most evil fucking woman on the planet, but that God didn't even care about me either. That was the day that I stopped believing in God and prayers and good people in the world. And when my father came home and I ran to him screaming and crying and shouting that I hated Billie for what she had done, and when he rolled his eyes and told me to 'grow the hell up already' and sent me to my room, that was the day that I became sullen and withdrawn and stopped believing in anything at all.

It's taken me so many years to deal with the atrocities of my childhood and that day with the brushpile is probably one of the most painful memories of my life. Just as I have sat here typing it, I have cried many, many tears. I've had to stop a few times and collect myself and I've often wondered if I should even try to finish this story or just leave it half-finished and go collect my sanity. But then I remember why I came here to tell you all of this.

Today, J. handed me a package and told me that it was a belated Ebay Christmas gift that had just arrived. I knew it was a book by the feel of the wrapper and I honestly thought it was this from my wishlist. Instead, I peeled off the bubble wrapped paper to find these.

To say that I was touched would be understatement. I cried uncontrollably for about twenty minutes straight. My old friends, my old sreets, all there in front of me again for the first time in nearly 20 years.

The best part? This is blank, as though it's been waiting on me all this time. I've always said that if something is meant for you and you lose it somewhere along the way, not to worry. It will find you again. Now I know that that's true.

Thank you, J. I love you so very, very much. You have no idea how good it feels to be back in town.

Warm Fuzzies

I've been wondering what I should do with those 20-some-odd nifty prizes I've received from my stellar crane machine talents. Now I know.

I'm in. Are you?

Saturday Somethings-or-Others

I'm quickly realizing that this might just be the best Christmas present ever.

Of course, the animals might disagree with me on that and say that it's this instead.

Either way, one begat the other and I'm satisfied that they're satisfied. If I can swing it somehow, I'm seriously thinking of making my graduation dress. I've already picked out a pattern. :-)

Oh yeah.. I was in the middle of doing this last night when the servers went down. Now it's completely irrelevant, but it's a meme, so we make exceptions.

Friday's Feast:

Appetizer - Have you been sick yet this winter? If so, what did you come down with? I'm not discussing this for fear of upsetting the gods and becoming, well.. sick.

Soup - What colors dominate your closet? Blue, black, blue, grey, purple, blue... um, blue.

Salad - How would you describe your personal "comfort zone"? Respect me and I'll respect you. But dude, if you have bad breath, do not even fucking talk to me until you have brushed. That is something that I just cannot tolerate.

Main Course - On which reality show would you really like to be a contestant? I hate all reality television - all of it. Though if I had to pick, it would be MotorMouth. I talk to myself a lot in the car and would love to see how they edit it to make me look like the craziest chick on the planet.

Dessert - Which holiday would you consider to be your favorite? Does anyone not know this already? Halloween, hands down.

Enjoy your weekend. It promises to be even more rainy and gloomy here and we're expecting even more flooding. Woohoo! The Ohio River rocks!

Sister Swirl

Apparently, after only 5 hours of sleep and endless weird dreams, my brain has some things to unload.

Nothing catastrophic. Just lots of swirling, swirling thoughts. I never know how to organize the madness in my brain sometimes, but I feel that just listing randomness with bullets gets old after a while too. There was a time when I could write a really coherent and long entry without even thinking about it. I still can when I'm upset. But lately, it seems as though everything must be organized by blurbs and bullets in order for me to not veer off and lose sight of my original topic.

This is my space though and I'm realizing just how grateful I am for it. Last night, there was a massive attack on Hosting Matters and consequently Blogomania and my little refuge became inaccessible for nearly 4 hours - at least it was 4 hours before I just gave up and went to bed. It's strange how much I panicked. It's one thing to know that your site is there but not be able to see it from home because you don't have internet or you screwed up the code somewhere while you were fucking around. It's another thing to pull up your site and just see a blank page that says 'Action Canceled.' Three years of my life - just gone! Poof! Oh shit, I am a technological idiot! What will I dooooo? [panic-panic-panic]

So perhaps I am a bit of a drama queen at times, but I am working harder on curbing that just a little. I've been trying very hard to not lose my temper so much and get physical about things. So many times, I've been known to slam a cabinet door or throw things when I get really upset. It's like that initial physical feeling of being angry goes into immediate rage - and when it gets to that rage point, I no longer have control over my body. I've been trying harder to breathe in that split second when I feel it coming and think ahead and realize that it doesn't solve anything to get physical. My body will become very warm, my face flushed and I can feel my hands starting to clench. It's such a stupid thing to have a temper like that and I honestly don't know where I got it. Either way, it's what I'm left with and controlling it becomes my problem.

Changing topics.... My sister was on my mind a lot this morning when I awoke. I'm not really sure why, but now it's bothering me. J. made a comment at Christmas that really got under my skin. My sister came over to see the family on Christmas Day with her new husband and new baby and I basically just played with my little niece and took pictures of everything and did whatever I had to do to get through the awkwardness of it all. [You can see the full story here, here and here on that one.]
When we came home, J. said, "I liked seeing you play with your little niece. That was cute." To which I nodded and thought, Yeah it was okay I guess - babies just don't thrill me the way they do most people and I'm always uncomfortable around them. Then he replied, "You didn't say two words to Jo, but..." and then started laughing. I immediately got defensive and said, "Okay, Dad." And he hugged me, reminded me that he was kidding and then moved on to another topic. Smart boy.

The truth is that I probably didn't say two words to Jo and it scared me that it was so noticeable. I don't want it to appear that I don't love her or that I resent her or anything. I really don't. It's just that I can't act the way everyone else does about it. The pregnancy, the marriage, dropping out of school - that stuff still irritates me but it isn't the reason that I never know how to talk to her. Jo and I were never raised together. It's hard for me to have a healthy relationship with anyone from my past and considering that Jo is my half-sister from one of the most horrible stepmoms I've ever had, it's difficult. Initially I thought that when she was born, I would be able to step in and be the big sister and be there for her when her mom was being a complete and total bitch. However, I soon realized that Jo didn't want that kind of a big sister thing. She wanted the same damn shit her mother drew out and dispersed so freely - drama. She would spend a weekend with me up here in Cincy and have a great time and then go home and tell her mother that I had done and said all these horrible things and I would get unbelievably hateful emails and phone calls for weeks on end. Emails that would bring back the voices with a vengeance and eventually I just stopped communicating with her mother altogether. Something that I'm sure caused a slight rift between me and Jo. Her mother is a vengeful, vengeful woman and standing up to her the way I did can cause massive waves of bitchiness, guaranteed to ripple out to everyone around her.

Now it may be easy for you to say, "Why did you keep in touch with her mother at all?" That's easy. My father. My dad is one of those people that lives in fear of pissing anyone off and never stands up for anyone or anything. He just lets things happen and when they go wrong, it is always someone else's fault. To this day, I am told that I am being selfish when I don't call up my old step-siblings and tell them 'Happy Birthday.' Step-siblings that have never once called me up to say hello because - you guessed it - they don't give a rat's ass about me nor do I them. Yet somehow my dad freely invites them to Christmas dinner every year and when they show up, I am told to sit and visit and be cordial with the same people that mentally abused me as a child. That is the reason that I am continually told 'It wouldn't kill you to call your sister. You should be nicer to her.'

When it's just me and my sister, we get along fine. We both have a deep love for animals and it makes me feel good when she asks me questions about cat behavior or whatever. But then my dad has to step in and force shit like he always does and it becomes awkward. I didn't grow up with a sister. I didn't get to form those bonds when I was young, so it's hard for me to even talk to her. Her mother created so much damn drama after the divorce and it ripped my family apart for years. And even though I never blamed Jo for that and always loved her regardless, she still feels like a stranger to me. We were born ten years apart, grew up in different households and lived in different states. I don't really know a damn thing about her and I feel closer to my cousins than I do to her. My dad has said the same damn thing - 'I don't really know her' - yet it is always my responsibility to maintain a healthy relationship just because my dad is too lazy to pick up the phone himself.

In truth, I know that part of it is us and part of it is the fact that she gets off on drama just as much as her mother and that makes it difficult to even communicate with her. But mostly it is just awkwardness at the fact that I am expected to be best friends with a girl that I never really knew.

It bothers me that I don't have a great relationship with her, but at the same time I don't regret walking away from that relationship with her mother one damn bit. I think that the day I stopped answering her abusive emails and trying to defend myself, I became a better person and I've never looked back.

As for my sister, I just hope that she is a better mother than hers was to either of us. I hope that someday she will understand what it's like to get away from the mind-grip of an abusive parent and then what it's like to learn that stepping into the past is like stepping into fire.

Sew Tired

So many things to say and yet such little time and energy to say them. When I'm not in school I have this insane urge to cram 100 blog entries into a week's time. God forbid I should waste this gift of do-nothing time.

I could tell you about how I gave J.'s blog a nice new look with my own photo and how I really like its simplicity, but that my ultimate reward is the way he smiles when he sees it.

I could tell you about how much I am starting to fall completely in love with Jonatha Brooke and how much I am loving my new cd and this old one that I found in a discount book store last week and how it's been the only thing I've listened to at all these past few days and I'm still discovering it all every day.

I could tell you about how hard I've been working to learn to sew on a machine and how it feels so weird to actually be doing it all on my own. A family full of extremely talented seamstresses and I'm starting to feel as though that handing down of talent will not stop with me after all.

I could sit here and recount the entire story of how I pulled it out of the box last night and only 2 hours later sewed a little dorky 2x2 inch pouch and cried with joy because I was so unbelievably proud of myself.

I could tell you about how I was so shocked with myself when I figured out how to thread the bobbin and hook up the machine all on my own without any fits of anger and how I actually learned to laugh - laugh - at the mistakes I made in the process. Oh, what shock!

I could tell you about how much it upsets me that Gypsy has not been the same since she returned from the kennel and how it hurts me to see that she's not the same happy dog she used to be beforehand, how much it scares me that she growls more often, plays less and refuses to leave my side.

Or, I could just tell you that I'm tired and all the things I wanted to write about will just have to wait until some other day because I need to start tearing myself away from the computer and preparing for another semester of schedules and early wake-up calls.

Though I couldn't just leave it like this of course. I'd have to end this by telling you about how my mom stopped by to see my sewing progress and within 10 minutes, she had coached me enough to make this:

And then I'd tell you about how seeing those big brown eyes light up within 2 minutes of placing this on the floor brought me the most incredible peace and comfort because all was well with my little beagle girl once again.

And then I'd smile and turn off the computer, lock the doors and promptly head to my warm and snuggly bed so that I could hug J., scritch the kitties, kiss Gypsy and sleep, sleep, sleep.

500 and a collie in a hamburger costume

Hey, that last one was my 500th entry! Woohoo! I feel so... behind.

After looking at this new design on a bigger monitor at school, I moved the background image to the left so that those of you with bigger monitors can see the links and such in the sidebar. Let me know if things are still difficult to see. I can't guarantee that I'll know how to fix it, but I would at least like to know.

Also, I finally got registered into my class for the most part. Ironically, I didn't even have to deal with faculty, just a cool assistant that showed me pictures of her dogs in Halloween costumes and made me laugh. It's strange how I'm starting to get a reputation for being the 'animal girl.' There have been a few occasions where professors or other students will come up to me and ask about their dogs' excessive chewing or whatever. I can't wait to get my dog training certification. I really, really love helping people relate to their pets. It's one of those things that I always feel I was meant to do, so I never seem to get sick of it. Cool. :-)

Authority Meltdown

What is it about authority figures? What is it about faculty? Why am I so unbelievably nervous and scared shitless when I have to talk to these people? Up until now, I was fine. I had rested throughout the break and for the first time in months, I was feeling like myself again. Not flying off the handle, not losing my temper, trying not to rage and scream and yell as much as I normally do.

Yet here I am today. All I had to do was drive over to the school and see if a professor was in her office to sign a form for me. Yet still I flustered and tripped over my words, saw the same professors that make me anxious as hell and walked out of there in a comletely different mindset. Once again, I am the 5 year old that is desperately afraid of asking to go to the bathroom. Once again, I am the girl that will never be good enough. Once again, my face burns and my skin turns red and I know that everyone is staring at me, laughing at me and wondering why I am bothering them again. Once again, I am the insecure girl that is never as good as the other kids and never will be.

J. made an interesting point a few weeks ago when I found out that I was going to have to take the same statistics lab class for a 3rd time and I was unbelievably depressed and almost suicidal. He said, "I think school is actually making you depressed and that's not right. You have to decide if you want this bad enough to sacrifice your health and your sanity."

The thing is that yes, I do want it. I just don't want to always have to feel as though I am never good enough for anyone in that department because I flunked a class twice or because I've decided not to go to graduate school like everyone else in psychology does. I'm not a star student. I'm not a suck-up. I bust my ass for the C's I get and I'm damn proud to even get them. Every single one of my professors are doctors who have written massive articles in huge scientific journals. How in the hell am I supposed to match up to that? And what in the hell does it matter if I do?

It's just annoying how I absolutely cannot function like a normal individual around these people. The minute I turn into that campus, I feel my blood pressure rise about 10 points. I feel my heart race, my underarms sweat and my mind becomes clouded with the premise of pleasing people and oh-god-what-if-I-bump-into-Dr.-So-and-so-and-he-looks-at-me-like-he's-judging-me-again? What will I do? Any remnants of me go right out the window and the eager to please five-year-old always wins.

The truth is that I know these people's opinions of me do not matter, but it's been ingrained into me since birth. I was never good enough for my father and therefore, if I can get a professor to look at me and say, "hey that's a great idea" then I have somehow succeeded in my mission to be enough. How fucked up is that? That every motivation to succeed in my life is driven by the need to be complimented and rewarded by authority figures? God, what a bleak existence right? So I just really don't know how to tackle this. I know that everyone in that department looks at me with dread when they see me coming. They know, 'oh here's the girl that I'll have to explain things to three and four times, why doesn't she just give it up already?' I can see it in their faces. Sure, it might be paranoid thinking, but that doesn't help me stop stuttering and avoiding eye contact when I have to be around them.

If there's one thing I've learned in psychology, it's that it's much easier to label people than it is to fix their problems.

There's always a part of me that wants to run up to the professors that give me a D grade and look me as though I am a failure and scream at them so loud, "Sure, I got a D in that class twice and sure I'll have to repeat it again and maybe I'm not so great at math and the statistics is just too hard for me and I'm not a stellar student like you think I should be, but look at what else I can do! Look at this room that I painted and created myself! Look at these photos that I worked so hard on that won me an A! Look at all the things that I taught my dog to do using positive reinforcement! Look! Look! Look! I really am smart! See? See?"

And then that inner part of me just starts crying and desperately saying quietly to itself, "Please, just look at me as though I am a person and notice that I can do things that you can't. Please, just acknowledge my presence and tell me that I am still enough! Please, please, please... anything but that look of condenscending laughter. Anything."

I struggle with this every day. Whether or not I am the strong woman that I have worked so hard to become or whether or not I am the blubbering mess of a neurotic child that wants so badly to know that I am good enough. It's amazing how deeply your parents can fuck you up. Of course, my mind automatically responds to that thought with the fact that blaming your parents will get you nowhere and that maybe you are a fuck up and just don't want to take responsibility for it.

Either way, someone else always wins. Such is my dilemma. Success just for myself would be too scary to accept or strive for. It's so much easier to just let other people decide how worthy you are. I guess that's why movie critics still have a jobs.

So There

Rasee makes a wonderfully valid point. Go. Read. Think. Do. Now.

January Girl

Hope you like the new look. It's a photo I took while we were driving through central Kentucky headed to see my family for the holidays. There was the most amazing and spectacular ice storm and all the trees were frozen and looked like sparkling glass. It's just one of those events where you wish you could stop time and get lost in nature so that you never forget how beautiful this very day was. That's why I'm sharing it with you here.

This was designed on my little archaic 600x800 monitor, so it will probably look weird to those of you with bigger screens. If you have a small computer like me however, just use your Full Screen view for the full effect. It's a simple design, but I like it a lot because it reminds me so much of home. Have a lovely day all... Nite-nite.

Xmas Positives

I made this list of memorable points nights ago about our entire holiday chaos, but then it became modified into a list of positives because I realized that I am never going to have the time to clarify any of these. So consider this list half-Christmas Recap and half-Positives. Ask me questions if you want any of them clarified. Enjoy...

-- Listening to the car moan and groan on the way home - that thing needs a check up in a bad, bad way, crossing fingers and saying "please just get me to my dog, ok? please? after that, you can go to sleep." Making it to my dog and my home safe and sound.

-- being pushed out of the snow by J. and a very nice lady who seemed to come out of nowhere and return to nowhere - very, very eerie how she just showed up while we were stuck in the snow at J.'s dad's grave at 7am in the dark in the middle of nowhere in Michigan - I think his dad was there with us right then

-- talking to J.'s sister and his other siblings about all sorts of topics and laughing and then thinking to myself half way through the conversations, "woah. I think I'm enjoying myself here. dude."

-- talking J.'s mom into possibly owning a cat for the 1st time ever - of course this could all change tomorrow - but I always like being the Cat Aficionado

-- everyone loving our photo xmas card and actually considering that gypsy might be doable next year - this could change tomorrow as well

-- J's twin seems to be getting worse and worse and it upsets me that J. blames himself for not being able to somehow "fix" his brother, when it's obviously a mental problem, not a simple mindset that can be changed

-- playing table hockey and ping pong with J. and his nieces - they royally kicked our asses and J. and I have decided that we definitely need a ping pong table in our own home someday

-- muttering to ourselves about making up 'born again annoying' and 'i came to christmas and i now realize that my family is annoying as hell' t-shirts while laughing at our own privately muttered jokes

-- how his family is hell-bent on coming to my graduation and having a gigantic shindig - so, so flattering - it's cool how they've finally started to just relax a little and enjoy me instead of trying to assault me with questions and KY stereotypes - kind of neato and makes it more fun to go up there instead of just dreadful

-- receiving shelby's card when i got back, which i absolutely looooooved!!! so cute!

-- the ride up was nice and entertaining and full of humor and laughing and funny conversation to demented christmas songs and other such stuff

-- the ride back was tiring, half-cranky and tempered by a severe lack of funds, time and patience - the car was acting up and we wanted to see our dog, dammit!

-- watching cnn for the first time in days and then promptly rushing to the computer to see if rasee was okay - relief, but mixed with great sadness for her and all the others that are lost and homeless

-- playing in the snow with J. on Grand Traverse Bay and laughing when we fell into the snow bank together and got horribly wet

-- nasty, nasty slice on my pinky finger from a very temperamental kitty at the michigan petsmart - still has a bandaid - there's a reason they tell you not to touch the kitties

-- biting that wound inside my cheek for the 3rd fucking time and drawing blood and then pus again - niiiice - but it has finally healed!

-- j. getting a sore throat and driving home with the beginning of a cold and icky, snifflies - now has meds for his upper respiratory infection and is doing much, much better

-- auction night on xmas eve with my family and laughing harder than i have in a while - sometimes i'm reminded just how insanely funny my family can be

-- playing old-school atari with mom in front of everyone and laughing so damn hard that i couldn't breathe - and j. laughed just as hard himself

-- making the pact that next year we all must make the gifts ourselves for whomever we drew for and now the pressure is on - but so is the creativity - of course, i got Aunt V. and J. got Dad - talk about great expectations

-- sissy's french fry toy - it's a sqeak toy that looks like McDonald's fries and when she chewed it, it was hysterical

-- playing with my niece Rylie and enjoying being a photog and hiding behind my camera when i'm uncomfortable

-- driving to eastern ky through the most beautiful ice storm i've ever seen - the entire world was made of glass - like a tim burton film - freakin' amazing! even the grass was frozen! that will definitely be in the photoblog later.

-- new cds that are a welcome change from our usual travelling fare

-- people enjoying my vegetarianism and other people not caring so much

-- nanny: "well, we have to outdo Billie" (my ex-abusive-stepmother) and then splashing more butter in the potatoes - i love how my grandmother always plays slight favorites with me

-- cooking in the kitchen with 3 generations of crye women and finally learning how to properly make mashed potatoes for the first time ever

-- me, mom and vicki doing the 'rick-ettes' and laughing our asses off

-- a snuggly night with j. doing laundry and preparing for michigan, but laughing again the next morning when we were so disgusted and tired - 'because i'm vege-fucking-tarian!'

-- a snuggly day at home after the level 3 emergency was lifted - coming home to snuggle in new jammies and then really nice lovins in the afternoon - J.'s reaction when I told him I would now refer to him only as 'Mr. Good Sex'

-- xmas at mom's - after the level 3 snow emergency travel was harried and nervewracking, we had a nice christmas with them and got lots of good loot

-- i got a sewing machine!! and j. got memory for the computer and a video card - we both got nice jammies and lots of cool little trinkets

-- mom loved her jewelry armoire and then crawled into the box with gypsy and tiny - very funny.. until she threw her back out

-- mom making a snow angel with mike and her promise ring - he's very, very good to her (finally!)

-- j. and i snuggling on the couch because we were cranky and snowed in at mom's and wanted to go home - laughing under the covers

-- j. helping stephen with his algebra and dad coming out all tickled, "he even talks like a math teacher - he says 'plugging' and all that!"

-- home now, tired, snuggling kitties and enjoying gypsy again - it's good to be home and it's good to have a nice holiday too

-- even though our anniversary wasn't what we expected or wanted, it was still nice to have chinese food in bed while toasting with sparkling cider

-- J. got me a promise ring and I got him a keychain engraved simply with 'Yes' - we made vows that our Someday would not be so far away and that we would no longer hide behind the 'lack of money' excuse for a ring or a wedding

-- New snuggly jammies, drizzling rain outside, a Gypsy on my lap, a Raven sleeping in the next chair, a new Jonatha Brooke cd, lots of wonderful photos from a very nice holiday with both families, being feeling freshly showered while waiting on J. to come home and snuggle with me during my next week off from school... life is very good indeed

Tangled

Oh for the days you've tangled around me

The way you wrapped yourself within my psyche
The way you twisted your heart within mine
The way you took my memories and made them shine

The way we walked together and then apart
The way we wandered near and then far
The way we seem to argue ourselves into circles
The way we seem to love each other over hurdles

The way life shines within me when I am free
The way darkness overcomes you when I am chained
The way life has given me your love and taken my shame

Oh for these 1,827 days that you have dumped at my feet

The way you have given me your all and left me to find the meaning
The way you have given me the meaning and left me to find my self
The way you have hugged me when I have been nothing but pure hell

The way we have tangled and tangled and tangled again

Head over heart over hands over feet
Strength over Heartache over You over Me
Words coming out into a string of twisted symphony
That's the way it feels when you are near me

Crescendos that cannot be defined but are still vaguely in tune
Sounds of old pianos in a strange and beautiful picture show
Comfortable silence that is held with a knowing smile - chanting only

Fermata... Fermata... Fermata

Those notes you have wrapped around me in five years
Going up so so so so so so so so high and then crashing in the same day
Only to be picked up after a key change and a rest
Balancing each other's bass with a hefty treble cleft

Are we in 4/4 time or a 3/4 waltz?
Are you leading or am I?
No matter how we do it, we are still

Dancing Dancing Dancing
Always always dancing

How do you measure something such as this?
How do you rate a love only by the number of years it has endured?
What is time but a demonstration of the life we have lived?
What is love but a demonstration of the heart we can give?

I could have loved you for a day and been completely fulfilled
I could have lost you for a minute and been utterly destitute

Time is nothing but a means of organizing our memories
Time is everything that a watch cannot and should not measure

Oh for the days you have tangled around me
So many that I cannot find my way out
Such beautiful yarn full of blood and smiles and growth and laughter
I would not want to leave such an enchanting web as this

Life will come and Life will go
You and me - our souls will flow
Electricity will keep us guessing
Reciprocity will find us kissing

Oh for the days you have wrapped around me
So much that I would never dream to leave
A whole lot of honey with just a little bit of tea
Eternity has never tasted so wonderfully sweet to me

End of Year Top 40

I did this last year, but this is one that could always be fun at the end of the year. Your answers will always change. Enjoy. :-)

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Let go of the voices, go vegetarian, make the decision to put a dog down and have my blood tested for the 1st time in 14 years.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Resolutions don't stick to me. I do what I do and then set a few little goals, but don't beat myself up if they weren't done. Life is too short.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, my sister.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
One of my mom's friends in a freak motorcycle accident, my uncle Hobert, and Boomer.

5. What countries did you visit?
None, just stayed in the U.S.

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
A Bachelor's degree. A job.

7. What date(s) from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
August 1st, because it was supposed to be a wonderful life-changing day and turned out to be the day the shit hit the fan instead. July 1st because it was the day I made my Factory Farm speech in speech class and consequently went totally vegetarian.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting through this past year of college in order to finally get to the home stretch, going vegetarian, getting through my fear of needles twice so that I could get a proper diagnosis, surviving the worst move ever, and finally letting go of the voices so that I could listen only to my own heart for the first time in years.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Flunking the same fucking statistics lab class twice.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Hypothyroidism, though it's being treated easily. And lymphadinitis which gave me some of the worst ear pain I've ever felt in my life.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
The best thing we rented was this condo - it has brought us so much more peace. The best thing we bought? Hmmm... probably a cell phone. Not sure really.. we haven't been buying a whole lot of anything this year. Oh wait.. organic pet food! It seems to go over much better than store-bought nastiness and it makes me feel better too. And J.'s truck! That was definitely one of the best things we bought this year!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
The Boston Red Sox (especially Curt Schilling).

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The Factory Farm Industry, some of J.'s family before we went up for Christmas, Derek Jeter.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Taxes, taxes, taxes. Not that we had a lot coming in to begin with.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Passing Italian after busting my ass so hard last spring, moving back to KY, applying for graduation consideration, the Red Sox winning the World Series.

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
Jamie Cullum - All At Sea or Jonatha Brooke - Better After All.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier - definitely
ii. thinner or fatter? a little fatter
iii. richer or poorer? poorer - but hopefully that will change soon

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Exercise, study, sleep.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Watching TV, procrastinating, yelling.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent it in Eastern Kentucky with my family and then in Northern Michigan with J.'s family.

22. Did you fall in love in 2003?
Definitely.

23. How many one-night stands?
None.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
CSI (but not the spinoffs, they suck royally), Aquateen Hunger Force, Family Guy, Chappelle Show, and I've become so insanely addicted to corny tv shows like Judging Amy and Desperate Housewives. Again, see #19.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I try not to hate... but I'm certainly getting sick of the entire psych department faculty. It seems that none of them know how to teach a class properly.

26. What was the best book you read?
To be honest, I don't think I've finished a book for leisure all damn year. I've been too wrapped up in textbooks.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Jamie Cullum, Jonatha Brooke (her newer stuff anyway), Mindy Smith, Over the Rhine.

28. What did you want and get?
A new place to live that was less stressful, a life without constant voices and a proper diagnosis - and treatment - of my mystery illness.

29. What did you want and not get?
Some financial freedom, better grades.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Lord of the Rings trilogy and Winged Migration.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Went to a lovely P.F. Chang's dinner with J., tried to nurse a sick dog back to health, bathed in the smell of Sweet Pea, packed for a move and turned 27.

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Better grades, working instead of being chained to school so much = more money and freedom.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?
Comfortable, but trying to feel sexier and slightly more feminine lately.

34. What kept you sane?
Music, blogging, J., Gypsy and my mom.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
None really.. I kind of grew sick of all celebrity this year.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The election coverage in the media, the election itself and the whole stupid debate over gay marriage. Just shut up already and quit telling people how to live their lives, you jackasses.

37. Who did you miss?
Boomer, my Uncle Jack, some relatives and some of my mom's friends that have passed.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Myself - voice free.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.
It is not as bad as you think it is - it can always get worse. But then again, you are always stronger than you think you are and you can always handle it even when you think you can't.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
...I wrote down a dream
What more could I do
I drew myself a picture and the picture was you

I wrote myself a riddle
I said, What I wouldn't do
To give something good
To a love like you...

-- Over the Rhine

Talk About a Change of Plans...

To put it mildly, our New Year's sucked. Well, okay.. I can't really say that because it did have some nice moments and I did get these.

But it certainly wasn't what we had in mind. Since Halloween, we've been looking forward to just unwinding with some old friends in Detroit after all of our usual holiday traveling and chaos. It's our anniversary and we really miss our friends in Michigan so we were excited about the possibility of an awesome party. We went out and bought new clothes for the party and gifts for each other and imagined all the fun we'd have while we celebrated our 5-year anniversary with friends for the weekend and then we were all ready to head out for Detroit, when wonder of wonders - the wheel bearings busted on our car. Luckily, it was in the parking lot and no one was hurt, but still.. I was in a bit of a rage for a good 2 or 3 hours. I mean, what are the fucking odds? I don't handle changes in (much anticipated) plans very well. On top of that, J. now has a full-blown upper respiratory infection and has been confined to bed for the next 3 days. On NYE, he could barely speak without wincing from the massive throat pain. Currently he is doped up on prescription cough syrup and anitibiotics and lying in bed trying desperately not to swallow.

Today we also learned that the guy that looked at our car wants nearly $600 to fix two freakin' wheel bearings. WhatEVER. I'll be enlisting my dad's help and doing it myself, thankyouverymuch. It's always pissed me off when mechanics try to rip me off because they assume that as a girl, I don't know shit about cars. But then I also love blowing their asses away, when as a girl, I punch holes in everything they tell me because A) my father is a kick-ass mechanic and I could basically diagnose your car if I had to and B) I'm a smartass that gets perverse joy out of using my brain to beat sexists.

I'm off topic though. Where was I going? Oh hell.. who knows. Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone for the New Year's wishes. I hope that your NYE was nice and enjoyable, despite any obstacles. May we all have a wonderful 2005.