Burlap Soul

Pink Curtains

so many things that i could sit here and tell you about
so many ramblings that i still haven't figured out
so many times i hear the voices start to shout
so many times i want to grab my head and scream "Out! Out! Out!"

so many thoughts that ramble and dance within my head
so many times that i wish i could just go to bed
so many hours i spend wondering how to not dread
so many times i wish i could just leave something unsaid

i take on it all
bring me your duties
i will do everything
no need to worry

i am invincible
unbreakable to the bone
you won't even see me cry
when i am all alone

i'm tough
i'm smart
i've conquered everything
there's no need for me to cry
they would only win
but sometimes i wish i could be a girl
unafraid to feel again

sometimes i wish i could just 'have a good cry'
like all the girls on tv
sometimes i wish i could shave my legs without cuts
like all the girls on tv
sometimes i wish i could be so happy about my birth control pill
like all the girls on tv
sometimes i wish i drank lattes and had girlfriends in the coffee shop
like all the girls on tv

sometimes i wish i could watch myself without embarassed shame
when i watch my graduation dvd
instead of ripping apart every single good day
with all of my (their?) incessant negativity

after the fact is always soothing
but i will change the story to make it more appealing
go back through time, alter life's events
taking naturally good and changing it to my shortcoming

there are new curtains in our bedroom
i made them myself
they are hot pink and wonderful
but all i see is that ugly white curtain rod
wondering why i was so stupid not to see its ugliness before
not to have predicted how imperfect it would be
there are too many reasons why this happens
and i know them all entirely too well
but the truth is that i didn't see the ugliness
because i'd forgotten to look for it in my happy shell

i am safe in here
where it's cool to be a woman that likes pink and glitter on her nails
oh yeah did i mention that i have nails?
it's as though they've been there all along
these new appendages
that help me grasp the tiniest of pinheads from their cushions
but i am safe in here as i was saying
so safe and comfortable that everyday feels like i'm only playing
knowing that when i step back outside it will start raining

but i've conditioned myself quite nicely
i've learned to love the rain like it is my sister
told her she can come and visit anytime and bring the thunder with her
it's just the lightning that scares me a little
too angry, too bitter, too eager for the kill
perhaps she needs to like pink too
it could change her and make her electricity sit still
tame her like the sweetest elixir
make her relish in the company of her sisters
bring her a woman's comfort like red never will

if you'd have told me ten years ago that i would have pink curtains
i would have laughed loud and obnoxious right in your face
but then again comparing everything to your identity in adolescence
just seems like a complete and utter waste

go back to that girl of 10
tell her she will learn to love again
tell her that it's okay to like cats
for someday she will have five
tell her that sometimes she will fall
but she will always laugh above it all
tell her that when theatre leaves her
she will still be a star on the world's stage
tell her that understanding dogs is indeed okay
for she might indeed make a great career of it someday
tell her that her Sweet Pickles books are not gone
for there will be Ebay and a man that feels like home

tell her that when the cards are laid out
it will not matter
tell her that when her horoscope is read
it is only a suggestion

tell her that her life is up to her
no matter what the assholes will tell her
tell her that they are not permanent
but that she is forever

tell her that music will be her saving grace
and to listen when daddy sings to her
tell her that even though he is not always nice
he will become perfection to her eventually

tell her to relish the days she had in the woods with her dog
for even though King disappears he comes back to her
every time she walks Gypsy along the creekrocks

tell her that it's okay to cry
as long as it doesn't become a way of life
and that mistakes are human
that they don't mean that she has lied

tell her that she grows up beautifully
and comes out okay
tell her that everything she's going through now
will matter so, so much someday

but mostly just tell her that she matters
she matters so damn much that it hurts sometimes
and that even though she may currently wish to die
if she just hangs in there she will eventually know why
through all of the hurt, the pain, the confusion, the rain
there will come a day
when she will wake up to pink curtains
and feel the sunshine on her face again

i swear to you little girl
that it will all be worth it
it will all make you so damn strong

i have an old mason jar that i've kept your tears in
for the past 27 years
when i finished making those pink curtains i took a drink
when i took our beagle to the park she took a drink
when we went to the butterfly show he took a drink
eventually there was only just enough left
to water the honeysuckle
and the magnolia tree

you haven't seen a magnolia tree yet
don't worry you will
and you will remember it well

it's beautiful, blooming quite nicely outside our balcony
gorgeous white flowers blooming everywhere
you can smell honey when you drive down the roads here
coming from all those succulent bushes
and every time i think of you
keep riding your bike past those beautiful vines
keep playing with your dog in the morning dew
for when you do that you are providing me with the sensations
that will always remind me of you
King is with us, he is with us every day dear
though now his name is Gypsy and he is unbelievably queer

and all those honeysuckle bushes that you ate in delight
are growing all around us here
sometimes reaching to the sky
and that old sycamore tree that you loved so dearly
is still standing at the exact same tired angle
but there is a new family there now to watch him dangle
and you have moved on, moved forward, moved taller
you stand straight with a smile and wisdom in your eyes
you laugh with the tone of someone who knows better
you lie on blankets with your beagle and your boy and gaze at the sky
you unfold your wings and reveal the brilliance of a butterfly

and for all of your pain and hard times, i will continue to silently cry
but mostly there will come days when you will feel me hold you
and if you listen really closely you will hear me smile and say Hi

And then you say...

1. My uncle once: had a little yorkie named Reggie that licked the walls obsessively. It was hilarious.

2. Never in my life: have I been so cool with who I am.

3. When I was five: my parents divorced.

4. High School was: crap.

5. I will never forget: where I come from.

6. I once met: Tori Amos.

7. There’s this girl I know: that doesn't know how much I really wish I didn't have to know her anymore.

8. Once, at a bar: I played Alvin and the Chipmunks' Christmas song on the jukebox and almost got kicked out.

9. By noon I’m usually: hungry.

10. Last night: I finally finished making my Indian-style curtains and promptly fell asleep with my head on J.'s chest.

11. If I only had: a private jet and a bottomless bank account.

12. Next time I go to church: I'll most likely feel very confused.

13. Terry Schiavo: is a real person, not just a name you throw out in a meme to watch people get angry.

14. What worries me most: is letting my life pass me by without realizing that it's happening right. now.

15. When I turn my head left, I see: my wet sandals laying in front of the office closet doors.

16. When I turn my head right, I see: our wall of books, my awesome homemade oriental curtains, Ghost staring out the window and Gypsy sacked out on the carpet after a long day at the new dog park.

17. You know I’m lying when: you won't. I'm that good. ;-P

18. What I miss most about the eighties: is this channel called MTV that used to just play videos all the time. It rocked.

19. If I was a character written by Shakespeare, I’d be: diabolical.

20. By this time next year: I might be on my honeymoon.

21. A better name for me would be: um, Annastazia? ;-)

22. I have a hard time understanding: why people don't get excited about things anymore.

23. If I ever go back to school I’ll: shoot myself.

24. You know I like you if: I invite you to ride with me somewhere.

25. If I won an award, the first person I’d thank would be: J. No doubt he had a part in it.

26. Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: all have very unusual names.

27. Take my advice: don't ever let anyone else tell you who you are.

28. My ideal breakfast is: cereal at midnight.

29. A song I love, but do not have is: Blackbird by the Beatles.

30. If you visit my hometown, I suggest: you get a flurry from Crisp's, some pizza from Giovanni's and then promptly get back on the highway. You've seen it all.

31. Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars: don't have a damn thing in common.

32. Why won’t people: just shut up already and do something about it?!

33. If you spend the night at my house: you will be sniffed. Extensively.

34. I’d stop my wedding for: us.

35. The world could do without: reality tv.

36. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: lick the belly of a spider.

37. My favorite blonde is: me.

38. Paper clips are more useful than: sticky tac.

39. If I do anything well, it’s: because I'm naturally amazing.

40. And by the way: just why can't I sit on my ass and never work and be fabulous for the rest of my life? Huh?

(Stolen from QuirkyChick.)

Weekend in a Nutshell

(though I guess you could call them positives, too ;-)

-- Apparently Gypsy doesn't have a thyroid problem after all (however this is still uncertain as the receptionist was very short with me and seemed to not even know what I was talking about when I asked about her blood results, looks like I will be calling the vet later to confirm.)

-- Yard sales - all in pursuit of a couch, but not fruitful on that end. However J. got a wonderful set of ratchet straps for $5 and I always get some sort of Garfy memorabilia for my collection - this time it was a very old kids' puzzle for a quarter. Nice. I also ended up with an extremely old Ouija board that some guy gave me a dollar to take. Naturally we're wondering if it's cursed and if there's going to be a Made for TV movie about our misadventures with it.

-- Watching Spanglish. "Noooooo!!! We don't ever throw the ball for Chum!!" Tea Leoni is wonderful. Cloris Leachman always rocks.

-- Sitting at a parking meter in downtown traffic and excitedly opening my wonderful gift from Nicole in my car. Ooooh!!! Big Fish!!!! And Neil Gaiman!!! And a Therapy Dogs book!!!! Squeeeeealll!!! (Thank you again, love! ;-)

-- This weekend is Memorial Day weekend and my father is having a pool party at their new house. Wonderful timing, as now I get to watch Big Fish with my dad. (Of course, all he will notice is the Mopar... and the fish. Naturally.)

-- Snuggling with J. endlessly while brunching at Panera and browsing at World Market (we love payday weekends.)

-- Finally getting a damn cabinet for my sewing machine at Target and ooooh! Our table isn't cluttered with fabric and mess anymore! Ahhh, organization.

-- J. helping me hang the bamboo blinds I bought for the bedroom and it's so dark in there now! I can actually sleep! Yayy!

-- Arranging a picnic-date this week with J., so we can have some lunch together in the park and then go see the Butterfly Show when it's not so crowded. :-)

-- Gypsy is sneezing/coughing less and she is always an absolute dream when it comes to taking a pill. (Swallows in less than 10 seconds, eats her cheese and goes about her merry way. Rock.)

-- Deciding instead to put my money in the bank and let it sit and accrue interest. J. brought up the point that if the end of the summer came and I hadn't traveled at all, I would be royally pissed and depressed. He's right.

-- The weather remains beautiful every day. Even when it rains, it's just right.

Awww, does da wittle baby not feel good?

Poor Gypsy... She's been poked, prodded and probed all day. The week of graduation she started sniffling and sneezing and we assumed she had a cold. So we waited about a week and it didn't pass. Then for the past week, she has had these horrible coughing/wheezing/sneezing fits that freak us out because she can't stop and I don't like seeing her struggling to breathe.

So today she got to go to the vet bright and early. No kennel cough (she's vaccinated against bordatella regularly). No pneumonia or anything respiratory. According to the vet, it looks like plain old allergies. So she got a wonderful shot of antihistamine (which she just looooved, being the overly sensitive dog that she is) and a bottle of pills to take home. She has been sleeping that off all day and is now avoiding me for fear that she is somehow being punished and is in trouble. *sigh* Do they make beagles that aren't afraid of their own shadows?

However, the strange thing about the vet visit isn't the allergies. It's the fact that for the nearly two years that we've had her, we have kept her very active. Organic diet, no table scraps, very regimented feeding schedule, lots and lots of exercise. All for the sole purpose of keeping her weight in check. Beagles are unbelievably prone to obesity and I cannot tell you how many fat little overfed hounds we've had miserably waddling around my family my entire life with skin problems and breathing problems while no one does anything about it. So when we had the opportunity to have a beagle and raise her on a proper diet, you'd better believe I was going to do it right.

We've always kept Gypsy's weight somewhere around 20 pounds. She's a small beagle and she stays very active, so it's been easy to do. However, taking her into the vet today, the first thing he says is, "I'm concerned about her weight." After putting her on the scale, we realized that she has gained nearly 8 pounds in one year. Eight pounds is a big deal for a dog. Especially a small dog in less than a year. So this had me worried.

Naturally, here come the blood tests and hypotheses. I'll be receiving a phone call tomorrow with the official results, but the vet is almost positive that she has - get this - hypothyroidism. The same disorder that I have. If this diagnosis is true, we will both be taking thyroid medication together every morning for the rest of our lives. Lovely.

J. and my mom always joke that we ended up with a dog that is exactly like me. So much so that it's uncanny sometimes. And now, after all of the work we've done to keep her healthy, she might even have the very same disorder that I do regardless of what preventative measures we've taken. *sigh* Can I pick 'em or what?

Of course none of this matters to her yet. She has no idea that she might be starting lifelong medication tomorrow. All she knows is that she's sleepy, she's congested and her butt hurts. And man, does she work it for all it's worth.

*sigh* I know, Gypsy. You poor baby!

Where you determine what I buy!

Two purchasing decisions on my mind and I'd like your input:

I've gotten a decent chunk of cash as graduation gifts and I'm trying to figure out what to do with it. I've narrowed it down to a few options:

~ Buying an eMac because I really want a Mac for pursuing my photography/making art and organizing/utilizing my photographs a little easier, plus all the fun I can have with iBook, iPhoto and iLife. However I'm just shy of being able to completely afford one. Also, if I buy an eMac, I have to buy all new software on top of that (Photoshop, games, SPSS, etc) as the software that we currently have is not Mac compatible. This adds extra expense but ends up being a more useful item in the long run.

~ Forgetting the eMac altogether and saving that for a later date and instead buying an iPod Mini along with an iTrip so that I can finally listen to my iTunes somewhere outside of the office, such as cranked wonderfully in my car.

~ Putting all of the money in the bank and letting it sit, using it instead to start my own little travel fund that I've been wanting to do for some time now... because I really, really want to travel a bit this summer before I start being Career Woman.

Those are my options. I know that I will likely never have a nice gift like this again for a long time (if ever) and I don't want to just blow it. I want to do something productive and cool with it, like buy something that I like but not something that I'll never use enough to pay for itself. A computer, I'll definitely use, but that takes up my entire chunk of change and then some. An iPod I'll definitely use, but then again, not much left after that and there goes my computer fund. Travel money, I'll definitely use, but then there's no iPod, no eMac, nothing for me to truly enjoy right now.

Any thoughts on this one? I'm really quite stuck.

Also, a second purchasing decision, though much less complicated:

I have horribly dry skin and always have. I'm out of my usual facial moisturizer (Neutrogena). I'm sick of all the regular crap you can buy at the drugstore, as it's always too greasy and never really moisturizes anyway. I'm interested in trying some Burt's Bees or Aveda or anything else you have in mind. Something that's somewhat organic and good and has some serious SPF, as I burn quicker than toast. I'm willing to pay some more money for something that actually works and doesn't make me all icky and oily for a change.

Throw some suggestions in the box, please if you don't mind? Thanks. ;-)

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

I've been going through my archives for the past couple of hours or so. Reading entries from a couple years ago and beyond that I'd completely forgotten. So for those of you that have been reading me for any length of time, I have a question:

Have I changed at all? Is there a difference in my tone? Do I seem happier? Sadder? Less wordy? More wordy? More confident? More shy?

Just curious really. It seems that I can see a change in my writing, but I'm wondering if anyone else sees it too. One thing that I have noticed though: the 'F' word flies around a little less often. That's a nice relief. Though as soon as I write this I know something will tick me off and I'll completely eat those words. Ah, such is life.

I feel so dirty

What is it about shopping at Walmart that makes you want to come home and scrub your skin for about 20 hours in order to remove the entire experience from your body?

I understand that it's dirt-cheap to shop there and that if you live in a small town or are broke, chances are that having a Super Walmart nearby is a big damn deal. Trust me, I know all this. I grew up in a town where there were 3 Walmarts within a 10 mile radius and eventually they ran everyone else out of town so that it became our only shopping option. I could go on a nice long rampage about the ethics of Sam Walton and his retail empire and if my father were standing here talking to you right now, he would in fact tell you all about why we should hate what Walmart is doing to our country, communities, etc. I'm not just talking out of my ass here or being a retail snob. I do have my reasons and my reasons are good. I don't just hate the place because of what it is and it's fucked up business philosophy, but because of the assholes that it attracts and the fact that it nourishes these people and allows them to continue being assholes while they shop there.

I'm just saying that if you are lucky enough to live in an area where you have a choice, why in the hell would you pick Walmart? If I have the option of paying an extra dollar per item and that prevents me from being surrounded by insane parents that smack their children and openly push anyone out of their way and also from coming home with a headache from the Insanely Loud P.A. System That Never Shuts Up... then I do have to say that I would proudly pay that extra dollar.

Bleh. Now if you'll excuse me, I seriously feel the need for a 12 hour bath.

Participation Positives *

-- Perhaps I haven't mentioned this yet, but I graduated college!!!!!
-- Having more time to do the things that I want to do
-- No homework!!!!!!!
-- No classes!!!!!
-- Feeling free and limitless
-- Some truly amazing graduation gifts from family so far
-- Spending my first week as a college graduate relaxing and enjoying every ray of sunshine around me
-- My weekends are my own
-- Being lucky enough to be able to take a good month off before starting the inevitable Job Hunt
-- Everyone that came to my graduation party
-- The fact that my father was the one that said he was proud of me the most (wow.)
-- Being able to take walks with J., stay up late watching movies and hold hands without having to worry about the homework I'm not doing
-- J. and I watching Sideways on Saturday night and laughing harder than we've laughed in a very long time (hilarious film!)
-- Finally finding some cool Indian fabric to use for making our bedroom curtains
-- Having the time to just sit down and make curtains :-D
-- Sleeping in, feeling rested and absorbing this time
-- Buying so many new books !
-- And I'm reading them for fun!
-- And I have time to do that now!!
-- Looking online and realizing that perhaps being an animal behaviorist is not a pipe dream after all (crossing some fingers!)
-- Looking ahead into the summer and seeing so many possibilities all around me and...
-- knowing that I can actually choose to do something without being held back by school
-- Knowing that my life is now my own... finally
-- Finally getting started on my thank you notes
-- Being able to find a good monitor at Goodwill when ours died a week ago
-- Receving an A in digital photo!!
-- Receiving a B in my statistics lab class!!
-- Receiving a seriously hard-earned C in my cognitive class!!
-- Knowing that I did it - me!!
-- The possibility of traveling this summer and...
-- maybe meeting some wonderful online friends at last!
-- The memory of watching my entire family take whacks at the pinata during my graduation party
-- The site of my diploma binder and cap/tassel still lying on the kitchen table
-- Completing all the necessary paperwork/assessments in order to truly be done with that horrible university and...
-- Driving home afterward to John Mayer's "Bigger than my body" cranked with the windows down and tears of joy in my eyes because I am finally done
-- The fact that this list is so incredibly short because I am free from school and therefore not doing anything but relaxing and watching the flowers bloom
-- Summer
-- Time
-- Freedom
-- J.
-- Life
-- Beagles
-- Honeysuckle
-- Sunsets
-- Feeling as though every day is a day with the top down and the wind in my hair
-- Me... finally
-- Doing it when no one said I could
-- Knowing that I would
-- Seeing that I did
-- Loving every moment

Ironic, in that I used a slogan in my singles ad years ago

Looks like I've finally sold out. Now I just have to pick a slogan... but alas, I cannot! For it changes every time I refresh the page! Blast!

Drama courtesy of me. Sloganizer courtesy of Shelby.

Like a warm drink it seeps into my soul

Hey, you know what I did today?
Nothing.
Hey, you know what I did yesterday?
Nothing.
Oh, guess what I did the day before that?
Nothing!

Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! Pbbbbt!!

Graduation rocks!!

Yeah, yeah, don't burst my bubble and give me the old "get a job" line. I'm already doing that to myself enough, thankyouverymuch. I had already decided that I was going to take May off before I started really pounding the pavement. Considering that we are in a little better place financially, I figured that a month would be long enough for me to relax but not so long that I can't get my ass off the couch again before next March.

Plus now I can get all those things done that I've been wanting to do forever. Such as:

-- make more pet beds with the insane amount of fabric and polyfil that I have in the office closet
-- finally turn our bedroom into the Indian paradise that I've wanted it to be since last August
-- start seriously painting and decorating this place, as it's been bare and plain since we moved in and it drives me insane to have ordinary white walls
-- start working out, as we finally got the fitness center/pool/tennis courts key that we've been putting off since well, last August
-- start collecting some serious vegetarian recipes that we want to try and get them into a binder, as we are sick to death of all 3 recipes that are in our current repertoire and have been meaning to do this forever
-- read all the books I've wanted to read all year, but couldn't because of school (starting with this awesome grad present from my mom that I've wanted for quite some time now)
-- watch more movies - you know, just for fun (I know, I know, what a weird concept!)

As far as that whole 'have more fun' theme is concerned, J. is taking care of that quite nicely lately. He heard on the radio that Jem is coming to a local place that we love and unbeknownst to me, has been trying to win us tickets for days (as it's an invitation only event). I've listened to her for the past year on public radio and loved her stuff and I guess now that she's getting some serious publicity, she's touring a little more. Naturally, J. persisted and the tickets are now ours. We're going to see her tomorrow night for a small concert consisting of only about 20 people in the audience. How awesome is that?

The weather in Kentucky is starting to really warm up, the humidity is slowly creeping in, the trees are becoming so full with greenery that we can't see out our bedroom window anymore, honeysuckle is in full bloom everywhere and the smell of all my summer childhoods comes through my car windows every time I drive past those yummy bushes down curvy, windy roads full of sunshine and awesome May breezes. I'm a college graduate and I still cannot believe it.

Happy days are here again. Bring on the summer....

When I scratch my nails down someone else's back, can you feel it?

Remember this entry? How badly my nailbiting habit has been? To the point that having these were such a big damn deal to me?

The last three weeks has pushed me further than I ever thought I could go. Last Spring semester really was the worst semester of my life, but only because it was so overwhelming. This past semester has been a whole other kind of disaster, just because it was A) the last semester and therefore, the longest ever and B) so unbelievably saturated with weird miscommunications and setbacks that I honestly thought I wasn't going to make it. It's a wonder that with everything that has happened this past month, I can still write without pain in my fingertips.

But let me assure you that I sure as hell never in my life expected anything like this. I mean, seriously, is this not insane? Usually, my right hand takes the brunt of everything, but check this out. And those photos were taken a week ago, when I still didn't know my cognitive grade or if I would even pass my classes. Also, I've had these nails for nearly 3 months now and just didn't want to curse it by writing about them before finals. It's as though I've finally learned to just stop mutilating myself so damn badly in the name of anxiety and that is a big, big thing for me.

Every time I look at my nails, or realize that I'm having difficulty typing because they're so long or whenever I look down to type something in my cell phone and realize that those are my hands, I'm still in complete shock. I've never had fingernails in my entire life and there's these long adult-looking nails dialing my cell phone. Is that me? For real?

You bet it is, baby. Here's to new beginnings....

Heeeeee 3, baby!

The third and final part is finally posted over at the Photolog. I would love to hear what everyone has to say about all of this... especially if you've gotten this far! ;-)

Weeeeeeeeeeee! I'm graduated!!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy crap!!!!!!!!!!

Heeeee 2!!!

Part Deux.. now at the Photolog. :-)

Heeee!

The first installment of the graduation story is up over at the Photolog. Enjoy!

More to come later... :-)

No more pencils, no more books...

Concerning Saturday, May 7th:

Best. Day. Ever.

No, seriously.

;-)

Full entry to come soon.... as I am still spinning with pride and grinning from ear to ear.

The rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain

A timeline, if you will....

1995 - Graduated from Oppressive Small Town High and enrolled in local community college as a theatre major

1996 - Finished my first year of community college, packed up and headed out for the big city (Cincinnati - oooh.) in order to continue my studies as a Theatre major at 4 year university (what we know refer to as "Not a Real School U")

1997 - Worst year of my life thus far, burned out academically, emotionally, was first placed on academic probation, then suspension, was required to take a year off, became homeless, dated stupid boys that hurt me, was given the option to either do more stupid and shameful things or get away from the partying theatre lifestyle and save myself, decided to move back to small town and get my shit together instead

1998 - Worked for a year, made some wonderful friendships, strengthened some old ones, regained my dignity again, discovered the wonder of working with the public and receiving paychecks, started to pay my own debts, became deliciously independent, fell too much in love with an older man

1999 - Returned to Not a Real School U, changed my major to photography, had a roommate for the first time ever, made the Dean's list, transferred within my retail chain and began my job as a pharmacy technician, became stalked by previous older man, lost my mind, grades dropped again, slipped into a nice little depression, took antidepressants for the first time ever, had the worst nightmares of my life, got sick of older man's stalking bullshit, filed a police report, got my spine back, decided I wasn't going to be alone on New Year's of 1999, posted to a singles site, corresponded with a wonderfully sweet engineer from Detroit, arranged a date for Y2K

2000 - Begin dating New Guy from Detroit while being violently stalked by Old Guy who is know just known as The Stalker, start seriously losing some sanity as a result, finished rest of semester by the skin of my teeth, continued dating wonderful new guy (now known as J.), moved to Detroit to "spend a couple of weeks in the summer" with him, never left, created a life in Detroit, The Stalker no longer knows my whereabouts and begins to fade from my life, denied re-entry to Not a Real School U in the fall because they lost my records, decided instead to transfer to Big Gigantic U, signed a lease to rent a house in Cincy with J., uprooted his life in Detroit to move to Cincy with me, began to accumulate multiple cats

2001 - Created a life in Cincy (again), took daily walks for ice cream hand in hand, started in the fall at Big Gigantic U, loved it intially, credits stopped transferring, amount of time left to graduate started getting longer and longer, started to feel underwhelmed, slipped into a serious depression, missed nearly every day of class (but still passed - what does that say?), lied on the couch numb everyday for nearly 3 months, went through three job layoffs with J., nearly lost everything we owned, lost a favorite uncle to cancer, lost two more uncles to cancer only a month later

2002 - Discovered this thing called "blogging," started one myself, started to slowly become financially more stable, became more and more disgusted and depressed with Big Gigantic U, realized I was way further from a degree than I had been told upon enrollment a year earlier, became disgusted, arranged an advising meeting back at Not a Real School U, was told I could be out in 1.5 years tops, re-enrolled that day, started to experience serious health problems

2003 - Started attending classes back at Not a Real School U again, felt re-energized, saw an end in sight, repaired our credit enough to gain some good footing, bought my first ever Really Nice Semi-New Car (a.k.a. The Dream Car), got a beagle, got a new low-limit credit card, decided we needed a vacation, saw Manhattan for the first time ever, life was changed, credit cards were maxed, it was all worth it, J. lost his job, couldn't find another one anywhere, went through the worst financial times yet, ran out of money for food, kneeled and prayed together in a church, J. received a job that was 1.5 hours south, made the commute but started looking for a new place that was closer and didn't tax us out the ass, started feeling sicker and sicker by the day, stopped having periods, couldn't ignore it anymore

2004 - Starting to believe this whole degree thing was really going to happen after all, conducted an Independent Research Project, statistics lab classes and the second level of Italian all in one semester, quickly became the worst semester of my life, finally found a good doctor, braved a blood test for the first time in 12 years, discovered I wasn't crazy after all, started medication for hypothyroidism, quickly discovered that medication wasn't working and made me outright insane instead, changed medications, felt like me again for the first time in years, found a new place to live that we loved, signed the lease and quickly embarked on the Move From Hell, nearly lost my sanity (again), adopt a near-death dog from the side of the highway, endlessly take care of him, watch as he does not heal, learn what euthanasia feels like, lose a dear furry friend, took a speech class in the same summer, gave a speech on factory farms, became vegetarian, moved to new wonderful place finally, filled out the forms for graduation consideration, started smiling again

2005 - Realize we're still broke after all the hardships we've endured, J. takes a new job that gives us much anxiety as it's not the old one that we've grown to trust but has promise, we stop at a random jewelry store on our way to get a haircut and walk out with a $150 downpayment on a custom made engagement ring, we scream and cry with joy in the car, we plan for September wedding, feel renewed, semester drags on with the most amazing slowness, begin counting down to graduation, J. starts loving new job, more money starts rolling in, bills start getting paid again, wedding plans commence in secret, semester starts to pick up and become overwhelming, September wedding becomes virtually impossible, date is pushed further away instead, finals begin, my last semester ever nears it end, stomach knots as final photo assignments are hurriedly finished and exam grades hold my life in the balance, grades are finally received, all is well, happy-dances commence, May 6th comes and here I am, done with finals and on the cusp of finally being a college graduate.

It's May 6th, boys and girls. Friday - the day when family starts to roll in, decorations are prepared for the afterparty, Madwoman Cleaning takes place and the animals are bathed. Preparations abound.

For Saturday, I fly.

Even the cats look terrified

Thank you so much to everyone for all the kind words. But just to give you an idea of how I'm doing, here's a picture for you....

You have no idea how much we danced our asses off in the office just now. Graduation is on, boys and girls. Let the games begin.

Oh yes.

P.S. Sorry about the trickery. But I just had to do it. Forgive me? ;-)

Today I'm taking my last final (in photo) and it should've been a glorious day, as photo is something I'm good in and it would've meant the end to finals. However, I have done nothing but walk around with a knot in my stomach, staring into space and feeling crushed, depressed and terrified. I still don't know my grade in Cognitive and it's still really, really upsetting me. I can't sleep, I can barely eat. I just stare into space and cry. I've cried more in the past two days than I have in a long time. I sat down and figured my score for the class again and realized that it's not just 2 points that's keeping me from a C. It's 9 points instead. My math was off, as usual. And let's be honest, when the class average is about 75%, no damn curve is going to bring me up 9 points. In my gut, I am positive that I will have to be back in that fucking school this summer, facing that same faculty with their condescending tones and can't-help-you attitude. I'll have to reapply to the university just so that I can take one damn class and then maybe receive a diploma in December, because I've already missed the Summer graduation deadline. Wonderful. This is killing me. To know that I might finally be walking across that stage after nearly a decade of pursuing this damn degree and still not be done. I cannot believe this. God, I'm so scared. What in the hell takes a professor so damn long to submit a damn grade?

We have family coming in tomorrow from very, very far away. They're expecting me to be happy, my usual funny self. But this is all I've got, this shell of a girl who compulsively checks her grades online, finds nothing and sits and cries at her desk. I should be planning a party. I should be cleaning the condo. I should be celebrating. Instead I just feel like I am falling apart.

I'm not giving up but I need a little light...

*sigh* The last 24 hours have been the biggest emotional roller coaster. Yesterday morning I took my Cognitive final and finished it in 20 minutes flat, feeling high as kite because I knew the answers so quickly and felt so good about how I'd done. Then as a gift to myself for getting through the big final and selling my books back, I finally went shopping for a graduation outfit. Walking through the mall, trying on clothes and feeling good about the things I bought, all very nice feelings. Then I came home and checked my grade online. All the scores were there so I tallied up my final grade for the class. Minimum requirement for a passing grade (C) is 280 points. My total points? 278. No shit. Three days from graduation and I am two points from passing. To say that my good mood was squashed would be an understatement. I hung out with Gypsy for a bit and decided that I was just going to go buy shoes now and get it over with. It went from a fun reward I was looking forward to to being an errand I had to run. You can see how wonderfully this affected my mindframe. So I met J. for dinner and we just sat in the car and I cried and cried. I became a psych major back in 1998 when I had this notion that I was going to be a doctor that worked with juvenile delinquents. Looking back now, I realize that that was purely a phase and I so should've known that. I left behind my passion as a photographer to pursue some pipe dream that, deep down, I had no intention of finishing. However, when I finally came back to school (after living with J. in Detroit for a while) I was too far into a psychology degree to turn back at that point. So for as long as I've been in the psych department, it has been an uphill battle for me to maintain decent grades. If I pass, that's an accomplishment. If I get a B or heaven forbid, an A, then that's just a damn miracle. (Which it doesn't really apply anyway, because I honestly believe that no one in that entire damn department gives A's in the first place. Or at least I haven't seen it.)

There is a twist to this story, however. My 278 points? Well, this is supposedly all based on a curved grading scale. Now I've suffered through so many statistics classes that it's not even funny anymore, but curves are still something that just utterly baffle me. Sometimes they work and sometimes they don't, but yet they're supposed to have the same basic rules all the time? Weird. Last night I couldn't sleep, because I honestly didn't know if I had a C (passing, graduation, being done with this hellhole of a school) or a D (not passing, having to re-enroll in the university and give up my summer to retake one boring-ass class). I would close my eyes and literally see 278-278-278 flashing before me and then I would awake sweaty and feeling nauseous.

So today I decided to just walk in and talk to my professor. To say that I was treated curtly would be another understatement. Not only did she just make me blurt out my problem in the middle of the hallway around all the other faculty, but when I told her that I had a 278 and wanted to know if I had the possibility of still passing, all she gave to me was a sarcastic smile and "I don't know" over and over again. Nothing else. No hello, no goodbye, no let's go look at your scores and see what we can do, nothing. All I knew at that point was that the curve hadn't been applied yet and I now also felt like an incompetent ass in front of everyone. Can we say mixed signals, boys and girls? Add to that the asshat of a professor that just stopped and listened in on our conversation and then threw out shit like "What would we do without that good ole' curve, huh?" while I was walking down the hallway trying desperately not to cry or scream.

(My feelings about the faculty in this psych department are an entry for another day. But let's just say this: They're all doctors and they're going to make damn sure that you know just how much better than you they are. And God help you if you're not at least 3.0 or - horror of horrors! - if you have no intentions of going to graduate school so you can be a doctor just like them.)

So after that wonderful exchange, I sat in my car and just cried and cried. I called J. at work and left him a voice mail. Then I just drove around in circles on the highway for a bit until J. called me back. When I got back to the condo, I stayed in the car and we talked some more and he tried to console me, but all I could see in my head was Dr. Snippy's stone-cold expression and her constant phrase of "I don't know" circling around and around in my brain. Crying was just all that seemed to be happening for me and poor J. had to just console me over the phone from his cubicle at work, something that always makes me feel guilty, like I'm one of those girlfriends.

J. told me, "It was a bad experience, but I think it's good news." To which I responded that what kind of a curve can it be if she can't even reassure me about 2 fucking points. J.'s response: "Sweetie, I've never heard of a 2 point curve. Ever."

Perhaps I'm being a drama queen, perhaps I'm just a mathematical idiot, but I honestly have no idea where I stand in this class and it makes me crazy. Every single class that I have ever taken and felt so completely clueless about my grade like this has always, always been in this psych department. I have never in my life seen so many professors just blatantly leave students in the dark so often. It makes me furious, it makes me sad, it makes me tired.

I keep looking at the graduation counter over on the left and wondering to myself, "How in the hell can there be 3 more days?" I swear to you, this has honestly been the longest fucking week of my life. Please tell me that Saturday will be worth it. I don't want to walk across that stage with tears of failure in my eyes and a giant black cloud hanging over my head. I desperately need to sleep again.

Karma Karma Karma Karma Chameleooooon...

I have a Cognitive Psych final at 10 am tomorrow morning (Tuesday) that could quite literally make or break me as far as graduating is concerned. I've studied my ass off since Thursday and have basically done all the hardcore work that I can until test time in the morning, so I know that luck doesn't really have a whole lot to do with it at this point. But it's a 50-item multiple choice test, so I'm just hoping for some really good odds. Besides, I really, really, really need this to work for me.

Any good stuff you can send my way would be ever so awesome. Please?

Wish me luck. I'm off to bed....finally.

I can only inhale and exhale so much in a day

Last night I had to take Benadryl in order to sleep, even though I'm so exhausted that I can't keep my eyes open while studying in the library. The Benadryl was just to knock me out and keep the constant nightmares away.

I keep having recurring dreams where I am either at my own high school graduation, but I'm two years too late and then because I didn't fill out some random form, they don't call my name and I don't graduate. Another recurring dream is the one where I walk into my condo and all of our families are here and it's already May 7th, but I thought it was a week earlier so nothing is clean, the condo is a mess and I forgot to study for all of my finals - thereby not graduating either.

I feel as though I am on a merry-go-round that is spinning and spinning at top speed and isn't going to stop any time soon. Oh, but while I'm on that merry-go-round, I have to take finals, check off a million things on a million different to-do lists and then maybe, just maybe, get some sleep and have time for me. So far, that time for me hasn't happened yet. I am snapping at J. left and right. I am walking around so scrambled and preoccupied that I am running into walls and bookcases 4 times a day. Every single minute of every single day is accounted for between here and 10am on May 7th. God help me. I think I'm losing my mind.

How can 7 days feel so damn far away? And then how can I still feel as though I don't have enough time?