Burlap Soul

Some memes I've seen around though I couldn't tell you where. Just thought they looked interesting. Also, I figured I should post something today as we may not have internet for the next few days. Hmmm, let's see... food or emailing resumes? Right now, that's a hard decision. As J. says, "Unemployment is great. It gives you just enough money so that you want to keep working." Yep, so true.

Anyway, the first meme thingy:

Ten things I've done that you probably haven't:

1. Brought a kitten to life, straight out of its mother's uterus.
2. Been born with a piece of gristle in my intestine that prevented digestion. (I'm pretty sure about this one, as it happens in only 1 out of 1000 births. But if you have done this, please email me. I'd love to see if carbonation makes you as insanely sick as it makes me.)
3. Remained a virgin.
4. Watched my mom get shoved across four lanes of traffic by another car, so hard that her head shattered the drivers' side window.
5. Owned a red-tailed boa constrictor.
6. Stopped just short of hitting a deer on the highway only to have it turn, glare at me and then buck the living shit out of my entire car while I was trapped inside.
7. Been through six divorces from only two parents.
8. Ridden many Harleys and learned how to play pool at the age of 7 from various bikers.
9. Corresponded with Stephen King.
10. Performed in a 200 year old theatre in front of over 1000 people. (Yes, it was thrilling. ;-)
11. Abstained from smoking, drinking and doing any drugs my entire life.
12. Speak fluent Italian.

(Yeah, I did twelve. What of it? I've lived a wild life, people.)

It's been over a week since I've written here. Yet somehow, it doesn't feel like it. There are reasons for this and they're all classifiable as one thing: drama. Not always bad drama, certainly not always good, but either way, drama is still drama and that's what I've been dealing with.

Last Wednesday, we lost our internet because well, we couldn't pay the bill. We knew it was coming though, so it was no big deal. When it comes down to buying food, having a phone or being able to play games online, well obviously the first two are of a higher priority. You can check your email anywhere. You can't use the computer to eat, nor can you receive job offers without a working phone number. So anyway, that was that, hence the lack of blogging.

I swear I haven't dropped off the face of the planet, guys. I've just been unbelievably busy.

However, that being said, I'm posting a quick entry here. Last week I started to receive over 400 bounced back emails that I don't recall ever sending in the first place. Turns out a spammer was using my email address to send out his venom. So if you received anything from any burlapsoul address that wasn't me personally writing to you, please accept my apologies and feel free to delete it. Also, if I am now officially in your spam filter/blocked list, I'd be incredibly grateful if you removed me. (Christine tells me that's called adding me to your "white list.") Trust me, I don't affiliate with spammers and would rather gouge out someone's eyeballs before I ever sent anyone an email soliciting anything. Hell, I even hate email forwards. ;-)

Again, my apologies and please let me know if you received anything. Thanks.

You know how at the end of a long transition period at work or at home, even though things were good, you still feel tired and drained and the adrenaline in your body keeps you from sleeping very deeply? Yeah. That's how I'm feeling lately. The past three weeks I've seen my mom every single day, whether I planned to or not. It's so weird how any possible upheaval in her life instantly equals action in mine. The breaking of her ankle, the subsequent surgery, the loss of worklife and independence, the loss of Tiny... somehow it's become my entire life lately and even though I'm not complaining (as I really do enjoy spending time with my mother), I really am just plain tired. I'll be grateful when we get to go home and see my family in Eastern Kentucky this weekend for my grandparents' surprise party. If nothing else, I will be revelling in the fact that I will get to eat cake and go to some pubs with my friend Pasty and my mom can lean on some other family members for a change. Not that everything's been bad, it's just tiring.

Last Saturday, as we were getting ready to do some grocery shopping, my mom called me and started asking about what kind of dogs we have at the shelter (where J. and I volunteer). All week, through her intense grief, everyone that she had talked to on the phone kept telling her to run out and get another little dog - that it was the best therapy ever. Now I personally cannot do this. I need time to grieve, to heal, to be ready to embrace a new animal before I can move on. Otherwise, I just feel that I am denying the memory of my deceased pet and not giving the new one a real chance. But I also understand that people grieve in different ways, so I wasn't going to begrudge my mom if she wanted to do this, but I was also going to make sure she was ready. I kept telling her to really think about it. She's in a cast/boot thingy from her surgery so she can't get around real well, Tiny had only been gone four days, and she's returning to work in a couple of weeks. All important factors in deciding if you should get another pet. She kept telling me that she just felt so empty inside and really "needed something to mother." So when she called Saturday and asked us to meet her and her husband Mike at a county shelter where she had seen some chihuahua mixes online, off we went. I figure if she's going to pick out a dog based on cuddle factor and mere cuteness, at least I could be there to handle the stickier issues like oh.. temperament, energy level, and bite factor.

How can I be so surrounded by people that supposedly love me, yet feel none of that love for myself?

How can I have such a huge close-knit family that somehow makes me feel as though I am not one of them, and then gets angry when I feel that way?

How can I be told to be myself, but still be insulted when I do not comform to what they want?

I love Puss in Boots too, but it was time for a change.

Yesterday the timing didn't seem right in unveiling the new design, even though it was officially the first day of Spring and this is a very bright and spring-y design. Ironically, today it did feel right and there are four inches of snow and ice on the ground. I am a master of intuition.

J. started his new job yesterday and we've both been lamenting the fact that we don't get to sleep in late together and do nothing anymore. After two months of unemployment, I guess we just got a little too cozy. Heck, even this morning on his second day of work, he looked outside and said, "Well, you know.. the weather is awfully bad. Surely they'd understand if I called off. Right?"

Um... no. *sigh* If only to be independently wealthy. Well, I guess by taking a job that offered twelve thousand more a year than he's ever made, we're working on that. Plus, I'm hell-bent on having my own business someday, so hopefully this will all be part of the plan that helps us do it. Now, if only we could continue to sit on our asses while the cash rolls in. ;-)

Speaking of cash, my mom has offered to let us live out at her farmhouse so that we can save up a boatload of money and get out of debt within a year or less. Plus, we could still have a really nice wedding. The only problem with this scenario is that my mom's farmhouse is literally in the middle of nowhere. When I say it's remote, I mean remote, (think Deliverance, people). So basically I couldn't get a job without having an hour long commute to deal with. But J. would be only fifteen minutes from work and we would have no bills to pay but electricity and heating/cooling. It's a beautiful place, but right now it's only a thought, as moving all of our cats and stuff into such a small two-bedroom farmhouse in the middle of nowhere still seems so unbelievably difficult and insane. Not to mention the lack of internet/cable/city water/civilization that come along with it. But man, no rent and extra income? We could bank some serious cash. You see our dilemma.

I'll probably be posting a new entry or two over in the photolog soon, but just in case I don't get to it right away, there are some new photos uploaded to Flickr if you're curious. Remember, you have to have an account to view them, as they're for "friends" only. So just send me your flickr info if you haven't already and I'll make sure you get in asap.

Now, I'm off to enjoy some homemade veggie lasagna. The smell is infuriating to my hungry belly. ;-)

This morning I had a dream that I was in a new city and wanted to go see the zoo. So when I pulled out a map of the different zoo sections, there was a spotted place where they were doing a leopard exhibit. I looked down and guess what it read.

"Leopardy!"

My brain never ceases to amuse me.

I found all of these over at Laura's, so you'll have to go check out her blog to see where they actually came from.

Friday Fiver:

1. When is the last time you became unraveled?
Oh, all day today. Thank you, period. Thank you.

2. What’s the longest trip you’ve taken?
When we took two weeks and went out west when I was twelve. Our goal was to see my Uncle Sam in Montana, but we went all through the Dakotas and Wyoming and every other possible midwestern state on the way. It was beautiful.

3. Who is the biggest distraction in your life?
Myself.

4. Do people notice you when you walk into a room?
Usually. Depends on the people.

5. Describe the last time you disappointed someone:
I'd rather not.

A new music meme, found over at Mikey's. Put your media player on "shuffle" and let it answer the questions. No cheating.

How does the world see you?
Daisy Dead Petals. (Tori Amos) "Got a crack in some strange places..." Well yeah, that's about right.

Will I have a happy life?
Folsom Prison Blues (Johnny Cash) - "I'm stuck in Folsom Prison and time keeps dragging on..." Ouch.

What do my friends really think of me?
Bad as they seem (Hayden) - "What do I do this for? Got to get out some more..." Again, ouch.

Do people secretly lust after me?
Breakfast in Bed - Dusty Springfield ("Pull your shoes off, lie down
And I will lock the door, And no-one has to know...") Wow. I couldn't have planned that one in a million years.

How can I make myself happy?
God Only Knows - Jonatha Brooke (Beach Boys cover) Hahaha, funny.

What should I do with my life?
Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk - Rufus Wainwright ("Can't expect the world to be your raggedy andy, while running on empty, you little old doll with a frown...") True, very true.

Will I ever have children?
The Captain - Kasey Chambers ("I found the place I'm meant to be, I figured out my destiny at last, Did I forget to thank you for the ride, I hadn't tried, I tend to runaway and hide...") Um, okay. Was there an answer in there?

What is some good advice for me?
Knowhere - David Gray ("I don’t know where I, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now, Get it on all night....") Well, if you insist.

How will I be remembered?
Coin Operated Boy - The Dresden Dolls ("Coin operated boy, sitting on the shelf, he is just a toy, but I turn him on and he comes to life, automatic joy...") Hey, that's one hell of a legacy.

What is my signature song?
I Wanna Be a Cowboy - Boys Don't Cry ("Riding on the range, I've got my hat. on.") Wow, how did you know?

What do I think my current theme song is?
You Really Got Me - Van Halen ("Girl you really got me now, you got me so I don't know what I'm doin'...") Yeah, I'm that deep.

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
I never loved a man the way I love you - Aretha Franklin ("I guess I'm uptight and I'm stuck like glue, cause I ain't never loved a man that way that I love you...") Why does everyone think I'm a guy?

What song will play at my funeral?
Into the Mystic - Van Morrison ("We were born before the wind...") Yeah, I could totally be happy with this.

What type of men/women do I like?
Spark - Tori Amos ("You say you don't want it, again and again, but you don't really mean it...") Okay, that's just uncanny.

What is my day going to be like?
Making Pies - Patty Griffin ("You could cry or die, Or just make pies all day...") Well, that pretty much covers everything, doesn't it?

Wow. What a weird-ass little meme. Have fun!

Pssst! Hey! Did you know it's someone special's birthday today? Yep, Happy Birthday Nicole! You rock, dude!

Oh, and Arooooo from Gypsy too!

I look back on old entries that I wrote a year ago at this time and I honestly cannot believe the events that have transpired or the time that has passed. It is unfathomable that nearly a year ago, I was suffering through midterms and feeling continually trapped in the vortex of college, pressure, late nights, and junk food. Now? We prepare only fresh vegetables and I am learning how to improvise and cook my own good vegetarian dishes while we relax at home in the evenings and enjoy our time with our animals on the bed. School seems a distant and surreal nightmare. If I didn't have the physical degree to look at sometimes, I'm not sure that I would believe I actually graduated from anywhere for anything.

In the past two years I have: suffered the most difficult semesters of my life, finally graduated college after constantly pursuing a degree for nearly ten years, become vegetarian, begun treatment for hypothyroidism, moved us and five animals from a three bedroom house to a third floor condo, watched my mother become finally sober and marry someone that truly values her, become officially engaged, said goodbye to a canine companion I'd known for twelve years, said goodbye to a canine companion I didn't even know I'd have, realized that my major was not what I wanted to be doing, learned to sew, made art again, struggled with constant unemployment, learned the intricacies of wedding planning hell, re-evaluated my relationship with my family, reconnected with my mother, become distanced from lifelong friends, become closer to new ones that I haven't even met yet, discovered new favorite places, fallen in love all over again and again and again, remained a virgin, discovered my sexuality, discovered that having arguments in a relationship is normal, learned that imperfection does not make you unloveable, continually struggled with a lack of money, realized that having children isn't necessarily a requirement for happiness, learned to speak fluent Italian, decided that I want to travel, been diagnosed with adult onset asthma, nearly owned a home, had my home dreams shattered, been saved and saved again by the power of music, lit countless candles in beautiful old catholic churches, remained non-religious, gained a connection with something that I can only call God, gained weight, lost weight, gained it back, finally returned to my love of animals by volunteering in shelters, formed a new gameplan for our lives together, wondered where in the hell I will go from here.

It's amazing how, for a person that isn't working, my life can be so incredibly chaotic... and yet full.