Burlap Soul

This is the quick and dirty version, but if you have any questions, just ask them in the comments and I'll gladly clarify anything.

Dislocated kneecap. Apparently my kneecap popped out and then quickly popped back in, however it resulted in torn ligaments under the kneecap. Six more weeks of crutches. No Surgery! Unlimited amounts of physical therapy. (who in the hell is going to pay for that?) Possibly due to genetics. My kneecaps don't move the way that a normal kneecap should move. When I bend my knee, mine move off to the side, but they hyper-extend and go too far and then don't slide along the trochlear groove in my femur like they're supposed to. (Watch the video on that link to understand - not for the faint of heart.) Meaning that they move too far out of the way and kind of just always hang out there. Nothing I did, it's just due to the way I'm built. Might require surgery down the road (click on 'knee' and then 'patella realignment surgery' - ouch). Other knee may also be at risk. Right now, still can't bear much weight on my right leg. Certainly can't drive, walk, dance, or ride a bike. Can't work the photography job as it's too strenuous on my knees (bending to do photo shoots, standing all day). Have accepted but can't start the other Extremely Promising Job Offer just yet as even though it's a sit-down job that will accomodate my knee, I still can't drive to get there and I have no other way of transportation. Bending my knee may take weeks to achieve. Got to replace the incredibly cumbersome but comfortable hospital knee immobilizer with the smaller, lighter and unbelievably f*&%$ tighter Knee Brace From Hell. Anti-inflammatories, pain meds, elevation, ice, crutches. Happy Freakin' Spring. Yeehaw.

And there you have it. My insanely screwed up summer. Oh wait, it's only May. *sigh*

You know what really sucks though? Since I can't even take the dog out to pee, my mom gets to keep Gypsy for the next few days. Nothing but me, the cats that are terrified of my crutches, the couch and hours and hours of horrendously bad tv. No beagle snuggles for comfort. Boo hoo hoo.

So yesterday was my first physical therapy appointment. (I know, I know. Some people become "mommy bloggers," others become "political bloggers." Me? I'm now the "injury blogger." Great.) However, I'd never been to physical therapy before and even though I've watched my mom do it for years, I somehow still had this weird image in my head of how it was going to be. Some large manly woman with a viking helmet named Helga beating my leg and cracking me with a whip while shouting, "Vend your knee and quit your vining, you big baby!" *Snap!*

I'd love to update you on things, really. I'd love to post my entry about Rasee's visit and get the photos all posted on the photolog. But in truth, there are a mountain of things happening this week, a mountain of stressors - both good and bad - that I just mostly want to be over. But then again, if the bad things get even worse, then I just want to stop time and relish this "before" part while I can.

On my shoulders right now and also weighing down on my brain:

-- My mom is having major back surgery on Wednesday. Back Surgery. Where they go in and move the nerves around in your spine. Where she will be in the hospital for three days on a morphine drip. Where the pain is so unbearable and the recovery time is so delicate that she cannot be alone for two weeks following the procedure. Where she will be in a back brace for the next three months. I'm trying not to let this bother me, but I'd be a damned liar if I said I wasn't scared.

-- I start my new job on Thursday. My new job that I still don't really understand what it is that I'm doing or if I'm really even qualified for it. Not to mention the fact that I may or may not be able to drive to said job or even if I do, I might be so damn distracted by my mom being in the hospital that I can't concentrate on learning this new job that I need so badly.

-- I cannot express to you the absolute mountain of medical bills that are raining upon me. Not to mention the student loans that are finally getting sick of being put off and coming due at last. Oh, and somewhere in there, we really wanted to plan a damn wedding. This is what makes me feel so nervous I want to cry.

-- On top of everything else that's wrong with me medically, I'm also coughing my brains out because I have run out of the the free samples of asthma medication my doctor gave me. I'm so sick of having to call and ask for samples all the damn time. Really, I just needed to have insurance - yesterday.

-- Lately I am having some of the worst nightmares of my life. Nightmares so bad and terrifying that J. has taken to shaking me and yelling at me in the night trying desperately to pull me from my trapped and horrified slumber because I am screaming and crying so badly. Are they centering around stressors in my life? No. Debts? No. Medical problems? No. Because I can't type the "S" word without triggering something, let's just say they're all about um... arachnids. Bags. Of. Arachnids. We'll leave it that.

What a wonderful note to leave on, right? Let's talk about all the stressors on my shoulders and then that thing that I am absolutely phobic about and then we'll go to bed! Yippee! That should do the trick.

*sigh* Tomorrow I'm going to post some happy pictures of my wonderful friend, dammit. Screw the Gods of Anxiety. For now though, I'm going to revel in one happy thing that requires only one sentence but garners the most broad of grins on my face.

One year ago this past Sunday, I graduated college. :-D

There's so many things running around in my head tonight, guys. Maybe when everything calms down (and I really hope that's all it does), I'll be able to write a coherent entry. Until then.... *sigh* Just say a prayer for me. But mostly send something to my mother - a vibe, reiki, prayers, whatever you've got. This is no minor operation and as much as we've researched it and been reassured that lumbar spinal fusions take place several times a day and that the surgeons all know what they're doing - well, we're still scared, we're still worried. At least I know I am. And overwhelmed. I'm lots of that, too.

Again with the prayers. I swear to you that I'll be listening for them tomorrow today in all those distracted and hushed waiting rooms.

Mom was in surgery for seven hours. Seven. Hours. Not including the prep and recovery times which added an additional three hours. She was at the hospital this morning at 7am. We finally got to see her in her own room at 7:30pm. I can't tell you how exhausted I am.

The surgeon says everything went very well and even though he couldn't straighten her spine out as much as he had wanted, she still has mobility and now has three fused vertebrae, just like he promised. But my poor mom... when we first walked into the room and talked to her, she immediately looked at me and said, "Never. Never. I will never do this again. The pain is worse than childbirth." She feels like she's literally been hit by a Mac Truck. I've seen my mom go through a lot in her life, but this really sucks. Especially when I can't really be there to help her. Not only am I on crutches and therefore not much help, but tomorrow I start my new job and therefore am unavailable for emotional support until after 5pm.

Again, I cannot stress to you how exhausted I am. Tomorrow I start a new job, when today I already feel like I've run an emotional and physical marathon. I'd write more, but it's beyond time for bed. I'll be so damn happy when the weekend gets here and this crazy-ass week is over.

Nite-nite.

-- Her eyes are very, very brown and very, very beautiful.

-- She speaks better English than anyone I know

-- She truly is as compassionate as I imagined her to be - and then some

-- You'd never guess she was only 26, for her maturity is way beyond her years

-- The way she squealed in excitement when she opened her pink dolphin kite

-- The way that she teases Chris and simultaneously cares for him so deeply

-- Her strength

-- The fact that she didn't even blink when she ordered the spiciest thing on the thai menu - and then didn't even think it was that spicy

-- How easy she is to talk to ... and how well she listens

-- Everything else

There's all sorts of pictures from her visit over on the photoblog, too. Happy Saturday. ;-)

Hello, everyone. Work has been kicking my ass. How about you?

As of tomorrow, I will have been at my new job for exactly one week. Know what? I am horribly afraid of cursing myself, but I will tell you that I like it. See, that's how much I love you. I cursed myself just to tell you that I like it.

My first day? They took me out to lunch on the company's dime. My first day? They showed me to my office. Yes, I. have. an. office. I have my own extension. I have company emails that go out to "Staz in Corporate Headquarters." Hee. Hee. Hee. Sometimes I have to sit in the middle of a meeting and physically hold my hand up in front of my face to stifle the unbelievable grin and laughter that's coming when A) I realize that they actually think I am a grown-up and are asking me what to do and B) they maintain a straight face when they say things like "brand terrorists" and "leverageability" and I can only think of Will Ferrell on SNL saying "Straturgery" over and over again and I try desperately not to laugh my ass off.

Plus, they bake cookies every day at lunch and bring in apple pies and ice cream for "anyone who wants it." I haven't punched a time clock. I haven't come home with aching feet and a tired body. I haven't had to wear a uniform. I haven't had to hide from "bitchy girl" or "asshole guy" or "manager dick" once. I will have the most awesome medical insurance in one month. I have an FSA. I have a 401K. I have life insurance. I have a lunch hour. I have a preferred parking space. Plus, I have pictures on my desk.

Hee, hee. Rock on, baby. Rock. On. :-)

My mom is doing... eh. She had her surgery a week ago today and was let out of the hospital on Sunday (Mother's Day). I think now that they've got her pain meds straightened out, she's finally getting some relief. Granted, she's still in horrible pain and her surgeon is calling every day to make sure that her pain is being managed. But still, she's up and moving around and doing most things on her own. Currently she's borrowing Gypsy for "Crackhead Dog" relief. Meaning that her dog Wiley, who is part-Jack Russell and absolutely insane - is driving her insane, so we get to leave Gypsy at her place for a few days to chase him and beat him keep him entertained.

Believe it or not, this is the first time in a long while that I've actually had a somewhat normal day. Got up, went to physical therapy, then on to work, then came home at a decent hour and relaxed and had dinner with J. I can't tell you how badly I've just wanted a normal day like this. Every single day this past week has been insane. Me going to a new job or physical therapy and then working late or weird "training" hours and then stopping at the hospital to visit my mom for hours before heading home, taking a bath (because I can't shower), taking care of the dog while on crutches, going to bed entirely too late, being utterly exhausted and semi-delirious, getting up too early just to do it all again. So coming home at 5:30, having Chinese food and unwinding on the computer? Bliss, my friends. Bliss.

As for the physical therapy, it is going along. My knee is stronger and I am hopeful that when I see my surgeon on Monday, he will tell me to try walking on one crutch instead of two. Oh, how that would make my day.

*sigh* So that's what's been up with me. How about you?

I know that everyone's sick of hearing about my new job already, but I can't help it. Currently, it consumes my life. We are basically in charge of creating a new department that hasn't existed before, so the hours are long and the work is never-ending. But still, I have yet to meet a single person in the entire company that hasn't been nice to me. I can't believe how welcoming everyone is and how glad they are to see me and talk to me and just say hello. Granted, sometimes I feel as though I've gotten in way over my head and that I'm totally unqualified for this job, but there's also something to be said for liking the people that you spend every day with. Personally, I think that's more important. Plus, I'm having a "working lunch" on Friday with the CEO. And he's vegetarian. Along with a third of the company. How. weird. is. this. And how in the hell did I end up here?

The only weird part about my job is that even though I started on the 11th, I won't get my first check until the 31st. We only get paid on the 15th and the last day of the month. Ugh. What is up with huge companies and weird pay schedules? Whatever happened to every other Friday? It just seems to me that payroll is getting weirder and weirder nowadays.

Speaking of payday, you can bet that as soon as my first check arrives, I will be burning holes in my checkbook. Why? Because we've found everything we want - and I mean everything - for the wedding. We're getting married this August in Cincinnati and I don't care what anyone says or thinks about it. Yes, I understand that it's an extremely short amount of time to plan a wedding, but at this point, I welcome it. Let's go nuts. Let's get this done. Lunch breaks spent shoe shopping, signing contracts on Saturdays, whatever it takes. I'm so sick of waiting. I'm so sick of planning on "someday." We want to be married so we can get on with our lives. And - no joke - a shelf in our closet collapsed last week under the massive weight of our bridal magazines and vendor brochures. Hello, Reality. Yes, I'm working on it, I swear. We've already found our ceremony site, reception site (catering included) and our officiant. Everything else is just details.

Oh, but did I mention that we're having a theme wedding? Now, before you roll your eyes and immediately think of some "Under the Sea" cake topper made of whale blubber and real sand, remember that I'm not an idiot and I do have some class. We've decided to go with a 30s/40s vibe. We're renting a 1939 Cadillac, I'm wearing Veronica Lake waves in my hair and J. is possibly wearing a fedora. And, physical therapy and knee willing, we will be doing the Charleston to Ella, Billie, Sinatra and Nat King Cole. Yes, there will be plenty of martinis. Plus, our reception will be in an old 1930s theatre, complete with our names on the marquis. Hey, we've waited a long time. We're doing it right. And you're all invited.

Oh, but we're still honeymooning on Mackinac Island. See? We're not letting go of our dream entirely. We're just making sure that it isn't ruined by bitching family.

So now you know what's been going on with me. My mom's still slooooowly healing, I'm working a real adult job with real adult co-workers, we're trying desperately to get caught up on bills and begin getting on with our lives together, I'm still in physical therapy (down to one crutch with weeks to go yet) and we're planning a wedding in less than three months, come hell or high water. The cats are good, Gypsy's fine, we could be better but we could also be a whole hell of a lot worse (and have been). Life is hectic, but it's also not that bad.

And you? How have you been? Do tell.

So we're back from our Memorial Day weekend at my dad's in Eastern Kentucky. Even though virtually no one was around, we enjoyed the time by the pool and just generally resting and rejuvenating. Plus, I now have another bridesmaid. :-) It's just nice to know that when Pasty is being unbelievably self-involved preoccupied, I'll still have happy, nice and positive friends around me when I need them. Yay for that.

Somehow I'm already thinking about redesigning the site too. You know... in my spare time. [roll of eyes here] Did I mention that I had lunch on Friday with the CEO of the company? And that it went smashingly well? Woohoo! I literally had one of those moments where I was sitting in the bathroom doing a happy dance afterward just like in the Monster.com commercials. So far? Yes. I love my job. And now that I just received my insurance/benefits card in the mail, I could cry with joy. I've been so sick and so screwed for so long that it seems unreal to have a co-pay and buy ten dollar prescriptions like everyone else. Honestly, I haven't had insurance in something like eight years. So this is a wonderful moment in the Discovering Employment chapter of my life.

Also, this Wednesday, we're meeting with our officiant, laying down the deposit on our ceremony site and then doing the deposit/contract thing with our reception site as well. Ain't no mountain high enough, baby. Can I get a witness? Can I get a Hell Yeah! ;-D

Happy Monday Everyone. ;-)