Burlap Soul

We're getting ready to head out for Eastern Kentucky and yet another weekend by my dad's pool. (Really, you should feel sorry for me.) But I just wanted to check in and say that even though I'm not blogging much lately, it's not for lack of material or interestingness. It's simply about a lack of time.

The wedding plans are coming along. The job continues to be tedious and tiring. My mom is still in a brace and recovering enough to drive and not be bored anymore. I am still in physical therapy after three months and still cannot go down stairs. So yes, there's a red flag going up in my head about that one, but as a whole, life is not so bad right now. And instead of focusing on the what-ifs and the anxieties, I choose to focus on the right nows and the look how far we've comes. So I'm off for a long weekend (though why can't we have Monday off? Really, people. Half the office won't be there anyway!), but I leave you with this:

I've love to blog an entry, but I need to work on the Wedding Master List right now.

See, now how cool is it that I get to finally say that? ;-)

On a different note, I'm learning that having Asthma on July 4th might be just about the suckiest. It's not the firework-happy neighborhoods and massive explosives in the sky that are bothering me. It's the sulfur and neverending smoke in the air that seem to have me on a 24/7 Inhaler and Gagfest. Thank you, America. You rock!

Hope your 4th has been happy. :-)

It's been a while since we had a meme, no? This one stolen from the lovely Kat.

Accent: A little bit of Ohio buckeye, a little of bit of Appalachia, a lot of proper grammar.

Booze: None for me thanks. Though if I did drink, it would probably be bourbon.

Chore I hate: Dishes. I. do. not. do. dishes.

Dogs/cats: Five cats, one dog. Help me.

Essential electronics: Cell phone, computer, cordless shaver. (What? You asked.)

Favorite perfume: Can't stand perfume. Though I do love anything that smells like nature or wonderful flowers, like Bath & Body Works Sweet Pea or Passion Fruit.

Gold/silver: Silver, always.

Hometown: Somewhere you've never heard of in Eastern Kentucky.

Insomnia: Every night, thanks. Woohoo!

Job title: Patient Counselor/Data Analyst

Kids: No thanks. (Have you not met the dog?)

Living arrangements: In a third floor condo with four cats, a dog and J. Yes, it's a bit cramped sometimes.

Most admired trait: My strength and my ability to say exactly what I think and really not give a shit.

Number of sexual partners: Um, zero?

Overnight hospital stays: Once when I was born for a rare stomach disorder, again when I was six and had pneumonia. That was a week on an IV. Fun stuff.

Phobia: Arachnophobia. And lots of it.

Quote: "No matter how much I care, some people are just assholes."

Religion: A smattering of this, that and a lot of what the hell is this.

Siblings: A half-sister from my dad's second marriage that is so distant from me that it's ridiculous and cousins that feel more like my brothers and sisters than cousins.

Time I usually wake up: About four hours after the alarm goes off and I realize I am sitting at my desk and it's lunchtime.

Unusual talent: Making goofy faces, imitations and accents.

Vegetable I refuse to eat: Lettuce. Ew. Ew. Ew.

Worst habit: Biting my nails Interrupting people too much sometimes. Impatience.

X-rays: God yes. Let's see... Chest x-ray for pneumonia when I was six. Yet another chest x-ray this past February when diagnosed with Asthma. Early April '06 - multiple very painful x-rays of tailbone and lower back when I fell down the stairs and bruised my tailbone. Late April '06 - more multiple x-rays when my massive knee injury happened. A week later - yet more very painful x-rays of just my kneecap while swollen and bent. Hmmm... that might cover it.

Yummy foods I make: Kick-ass vegetable lasagna that I've perfected over the years, pumpkin cheesecake, sauteed veggie subs, homemade pizza overloaded with cheese and toppings.

Zodiac sign: Leo. Really, need I say more?

It's FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!

Just thought I'd share. Oh, and how about another meme? Weee!

Bold all the shows which you have seen at least 3 episodes:

Stolen from the lovely Rasee. :-)

1. Tell me one thing you love about me.

2. Tell me two things you love about yourself. (This one I’m particularly interested in, so make it good. I mean it. No self-deprecation allowed!)

3. Look through the comments, and when you see someone you know, tell them three things you love about them.

4. Do this in your journal so I can tell you what I love about YOU. If you’ve already done it, tell me so, so that I can go back and give you some love.

PotC: Dead Man's Chest?

Freakin' Awesome!!!

You are on your way to the theater now, aren't you?

You'd better be. Arrr.

Had my much anticipated 3rd appointment with the orthopedic surgeon today. After twice-a-week physical therapy for the past three months, my PTs were worried because as they say, I "should be further along." So today was worrisome for me. We had a wedding shower for a co-worker just before I left and I couldn't eat because my stomach was in knots. There was talk and possibility of "having to be repaired surgically," and I knew that everything that we have worked so hard for and started to enjoy having could be ripped away from me yet again. Dealing with yet another Square One was just not something I was prepared for and ready to deal with.

When I finally consulted with my PT again (done directly before the surgeon visit), he set me on my way with only a warning. "Staz, you are extremely prone to dislocation. You have to do these exercises every day until you feel 110% and then do them some more." Then, as he effortlessly popped my good kneecap out and back in to my amazement (and without any pain), he said, "See? I'm amazed you've made it this far." But then he hugged me and said, "I never want to see you again. And have fun dancing at your wedding."

The best part? The surgeon agreed.

Yes, I'm in medical debt up to my eyeballs (and beyond) and I will most likely have to deal with this the rest of my life. But somehow, I still feel so incredibly lucky and well... free.

Just added some new photos to Flickr. For those of you with Flickr accounts, just tell me your username and I'll add you as a friend so you can see them.

I was going to work on a photoblog entry, but that might have to wait until this weekend. Tonight I'm tired and I still need to do my knee exercises. Pbbt. Stupid knee. I'm not even 29 yet and I'm already falling apart. :-/ What the hell?

Eh, as long as my shutter finger works... *curses self*

When J. and I first met in person, he came into my apartment, sat next to Raven and stared at her as though she was radioactive. He was clueless as to what to do with cats. And he certainly never gave stray animals a second look.

After nearly seven years together, it is inevitable that we will begin to influence each others' personalities. I love the fact that my effect on him is this. Countless furry ones later and here we are, contemplating just how many cat ramps we'll build once we have a house... and just what kind of a second dog we'll get too.

And I really love the fact that he is just as excited about having a beagle in our wedding ceremony as I am. Really, I had always dreamed... but who knew?

Tonight was my first foray into the world of Bridal Gown Hunting. I have no less than 25 huge bridal magazines that I have bookmarked endlessly and fruitlessly over the past two years. Every time that I would mark one I would silently think to myself with each passing day, "These are beautiful and all, but let's face it: I'm chasing a pipe dream."

I now have "a file" created at a bridal salon with my three favorite gowns so far within it. I plan on going back tomorrow night to continue shopping for my wedding dress.

This is surreal.

I laid down money on a wedding dress today.

I don't know how to feel about this.

It was an impulse buy, but then it was also beautiful. I'm just worried I guess, because I bought it by myself and had no family or friends to tell me if I was making a mistake. If you walk out of a store and you have tears in your eyes because you felt so pretty, that's good right? (God, I need girlfriends so bad. I get so tired of planning a wedding and learning how to be a woman with completely unsupportive people around me. *sigh* That's another entry, I'm sure.)

Initially, I was on such a high because it was the second dress I tried on today and it was so cheap and it just worked for me. But then I thought more about it later and now I'm wondering just what in the hell I was thinking. I went in to "just look around" and walked out an hour later with a dress on order. The only thing is that I didn't have my camera with me and the designer is so small and independent that they don't even have a website. So now I'm stuck constantly trying to remember the details of a dress that isn't even pictured online.

I loved it. I felt beautiful in it. I just want to know that that's okay. That I wasn't supposed to hear angels sing or have a "this is it" moment. I just want to know that I did this right. That I didn't make a decision I'll later regret. I guess in reality I just wanted an ah-ha moment after all - or girlfriends. That would've been so much easier. You guys need to come help me shop. My friends suck, don't live close and are no help whatsoever. I need some more girls around me right now. Why did I pick paintball and punk instead of prom and pink? Or better yet, why did I pick irresponsible friends that only get drunk, bitch and think only of themselves?

(See? I really wish I could just show you a picture and you could just tell me if I'm crazy or not. Yay! But also, errgh. That's my feeling right now.)

J. on a business trip, plane to Minnesota
Tomorrow's his birthday, won't get to see him
My birthday's Saturday, while at the family reunion
Conflicting schedules, Oh well.

Busy day at work, come home late
Empty house, dog at mom's, tired
Then I check the mail

First a beautiful gift from Rasee
whom I love and miss
Then something falls in the floor
Hey, it's a clue! Like this!

I drop my briefcase once inside
Start stripping off socks and shoes
I can barely contain my wide smile
Following clue after clue after clue

Imagine my joy when I reach the end
Pulling out a wonderfully wrapped little square
Behold! My newest most bestest friend!
So beautiful and big but I can take her anywhere!

No more loneliness, no more boring CD drives
Because I have sixty gigs and a boy who's so so nice

Thank you, Rasee. Thank you, sweetie. :-) Eeeee!

So we're home from Eastern Kentucky. We went down Friday night for our big family reunion that we do every two years. Saturday was spent in a room at a lodge wearing the most ungodly fluorescent green t-shirts with our family crest on them and raffling for door prizes while trying to remember the names of all these strangers we are somehow related to. Saturday was also my birthday. My cousin brought it to my attention that I was turning 29 on the 29th. How often does that happen in your life? Once... only once.

I found myself lamenting the fact that I had to leave without visiting any of my friends and only spending minimal time with my family. Granted, it was a family reunion, but well... it was a family reunion. Not exactly the hang-with-the-fam kind of occasion. More of a get-here-do-this-go-home sort of a thing really. As I was driving through the beautiful Eastern Kentucky countryside on my way home, I found myself feeling the passage of time in a strong way. I see it every time I go home. My dad has a little less hair, a few more aches and pains, a little less youth in his eyes. My friends look less like the high school buddies I've always pictured in my mind and more like tired overworked adults consumed with worry and to-do lists.

I know that I am lucky in the sense that I lived most of my adulthood between the ages of 4 and 24 and that now I am free to make my own decisions and embrace the child within me. I've had a reversed life, if you will. The only problem with this is that I know I would not have the opportunities I have now to enjoy my life freely if I hadn't left my hometown. More jobs, more people, more culture, more confidence, more freedom. But then also... less friends, less support, less chances to have pizza with Dad.

It's a double-edged sword when I come home from the place that shaped me. I'm grateful to have explored and sometimes I'm downright happy to be leaving, but at the same time I am afraid of just how much time will pass before I get to see my loved ones again and how aged they might become in that time.

How many more birthdays do we have? How many of us would even want to know? What would change if we did know? Or would anything change at all?

It's interesting to me that I am constantly aware of just how mature and strong I am and just how much I am simultaneously terrified of losing anyone that I cherish. It seems that I live a very split, almost bipolar life. Horrible strife or unbelievable happiness. Adulthood as a child, childhood as an adult. Intuitive artist, skeptical scientist. Introverted thinker, extroverted performer.

I've often wondered if those traits would smooth out as my twenties passed, but now I'm realizing that those traits that I have so despised and felt exhausted by could very well be with me forever. That they are not just moods to be endured, but the passing down of generations and generations of wild women and meticulous men. That everything within me is not only a facet of myself, but a reflection of the things I've learned from being a daughter to so many. I've spent so many years trying to rid myself of the pain of my past, but in doing so, perhaps I have forgotten that the end result is the woman into which I have grown. The branding process seems so unnecessary and cruel at the time it is burned into your skin, but no matter how many layers you may shed, you cannot remove it from your soul. Despite how ugly you may think it to be at the time, despite how often you will try to change and disguise it for many years after - your ability to walk, laugh, love and live while displaying it proudly will always allow you the most precious of gifts. Your existence will not only show to others that you have been branded, but instead you will be one of those lucky few that smile gladly and bear the mark of having survived.

Happy Birthday to me.... indeed.