Burlap Soul

I'm so glad to finally be in a position where we are no longer destitute and utterly broke 24/7.

However, I'm learning that having a positive balance isn't always something you want. Before, I never had to worry about getting my payment schedule straight because I didn't have any payment. Now? *sigh*

Mo' money, mo' problems, my friends. Mo' money, mo' problems.

When did becoming a grown up cost so damn much? Must be inflation. I could swear that when I was a kid, grown ups had lots more toys and never fretted about anything. But then again, perhaps I hung out with too many of my mom's drug dealing friends. ;-)

I just bought a whole bunch of new clothes for both me and J. and then I paid the initial finance charges of our new credit card and I still have a positive balance. Woah. Who knew a second income could make such a difference? We haven't had new clothes in years and we haven't had a working credit card in well... a long time.

However, there is a reason for all this spending madness as of late. In less than two weeks, we will be returning to Mackinac Island for our engagement vacation! Weeeee! Humidity-free temps, horse carriages, fudge, water, seagulls, fudge! (Did I mention the fudge?) Part of J.'s proposal was that we return one year later, so that's exactly what we're doing. It won't be for our wedding date as we had originally hoped, but at least we are in the midst of finally planning a really wonderful wedding and that's all that matters.

Plus, who can go wrong with all that fudge? :-)

I've always prided myself on not being one of "those" vegetarians. You know, the uber militant meat-is-murder type. I've always been proud of the fact that I can go out to dinner with friends and watch them eat steak while I happily eat my vegetable stir-fry and don't shove it in everyone's face.

Then today I passed a truck on the highway that was taking pigs to their slaughter.

I cried the whole way home and was filled with such rage that I thought I'd have to pull the car over. It's not the fact that people eat meat. It's the way in which we do it in this country. Raising them in less than loving conditions, fattening them to beyond healthy proportions while their joints suffer, crowding them so badly that they literally go insane, putting them on conveyer belts and poking them with electric prods while they scream and die horrible, horrible fucking deaths.

And for what? So that Taco Bell doesn't run out of chicken for it's shitty-ass .89 cent burritos? So that we can feed the greedy ass American fast food machine? So that we can package a can of dog food to look like it has scrumptious gravy on top of it, price it at a dollar a can and sell it as "grade A?"

It's not the fact that people eat meat. I grew up in farm country. I understand what it takes to survive in agriculture. It's the factory farms that make me fucking crazy. It's the fact that quality is absolutely thrown out the window in favor of quantity. It's the fact that those trucks on the highway are filled beyond capacity with animals that are trying so desperately to smell fresh air because it's honestly the first and last time they will ever experience it. It's the fact that they are so stressed by the end of their factory farm journeys that death is often a blessing.

It's the unknowing look in their eye as they are traveling down the highway, completely unaware of their impending deaths. That's what gets me the most - that look. It's the way that I want to run up to the back of those trucks in traffic and pull that damn door off and set them free. It's the way that I want to scream and rage against the assholes in these huge agribusiness corporations until I can hear their brains rattle and make them aware of what they're doing to our already shattered ecosystems.

But I am torn. I never wanted to be one of "those" vegetarians. I will tell you that I'm vegetarian, but that it's okay if we go to a burger joint - I'll just have a salad. I will tell you that I eat only organic dairy because I want to support the family farms and protest the factory farms instead. I will tell you that it's perfectly okay if you eat meat in front of me and you will say, "That's honorable" and will not see the silent rage within me while you take another bite out of your Factory Farm Fresh ham sandwich.

I will tell you that it's okay. But some days I will be lying through my teeth.

If anyone should have a copy of Van Morrison's Astral Weeks (the song, not the entire album), I would love it if you could email it to me. This song has haunted me for days, but it's not available on iTunes and I'd really love to play it at our wedding.

Seriously, if you can, would you be so kind? :-)

the Cauldron bubbles, no it pours
always full, sometimes stopped, sometimes full
words create rhythm, run in circles in my mind
obviously I have some things to spill

could it be issues that I have not yet resolved?
feelings that I cannot seem to quell?
could it be that I am feeling my muse
on a night when I am not thinking so well

vacation at the end of the week, doggy's not so well
mother is feeling her pain, hiding in an alcohol hell
I am working myself not to death, but certainly without life
and I live in fear of forgetting that something that's left my mind

truth is that things are well, it's just my cognition that's unwound
one thought gets lost in the next in the next in the last in the what?
this is what it's like to try to think through a constant brain fog
you can't enjoy your accomplishings for all the overwhelmments

is it my thyroid? is it my age? is it simply a lack of sleep?
or is it ever more evidence that I am puttering aimlessly along
denying my roving artistic nature and instead trying to feign peace
we got new chairs in our cramped office today and I still felt out of place

I see my pictures of angels that made me feel free through a lens
and I know that I am too afraid of all the competition to take the leap
not many people have my life experience and emotional filter
but there are just too many people that feel greater with a camera

how I'd love to make art again, feel the markers and paste on my hands
but how do you make time for lifeblood that feels frivolous when you are tired?
we want so much in life, but do not want to have to "work" for it
i'd much rather do what I love, have a business that lets me be free

but getting from point A to point B never was a great cakewalk
or else it wouldn't be such a tireless topic, an example of struggle
means to an end, get to your wedding, get your house, quit
but what about traveling to Italy? that's another year behind the desk

but I was talking about rhythm of words, of music, of song
see how easily my muse is lost in the cacophony of lists and responsibility?
how easy it is for me to let words flow from my fingers, pour, pour, pour
yet when it comes time to write an email, I am useless to the core

I don't feel my brain withering away, I just feel it becoming too tired to create
Intuition lost in a sea of tasks, everyday lists, life, possibilities
When was the last time I could sit down with markers and camera?
When was the last time I gave myself permission?

Too many yesterdays ago = how did it get to be August already?
Too many weeks spent working extra hours = too tired for movies
Too many missed movie nights = not enough dark evenings
Too many nights spent running, not resting = where did the months ago?

I could pour out so much more, but it's late and I now have a curfew
a cut-off time for all free-thinking thought, a bedtime that's required
I'm sleeping as I type this, eyes closed, dreams already beginning
but the rhythm never stops, the words never cease, the artist never quits

She just gets up and goes to work, hoping for a Friday that never comes
Coming home to a list that's never finished, a Monday that never ends

We're headed off to Mackinac Island tomorrow for our vacation. Remember, this was supposed to be our wedding date. But since we have a new wedding date (June 22nd), August 19th just gets to be our engagement anniversary. Though really for us, this is what we will celebrate. It's the date that felt right, June is just what was available.

Wish us luck and send out lots of good travel vibes for us, please?

Yay, Mackinac! :-)

We're back from our vacation and I must say that I could still use another week of sleep. Pictures to come as soon as I get a free minute to edit, resize and go through hundreds of photos. And oh yeah, somewhere in there I want to redesign the blog before I post again. Odd, yes. Me, always.

So how about some highlights that I've been wanting to share for the past few weeks, but of course, haven't had the time:

-- Back from our vacation. It was perfect. And I mean perfect. Honestly, I could just live there.
-- Gypsy is having eye problems. First it was dry eye, then it was inflammation, then it was something else. Now she's being referred to a veterinary opthalmologist to have her IOP checked. I had no idea beagles were so prone to glaucoma - this scares me. Cross your fingers for her because I don't think I can watch my baby girl go blind.
-- I took nearly 600 photos of our Mackinac vacation. If it weren't for my iPod, we would've been out of memory on day 2.
-- Did I mention that I love my iPod?
-- Now that my mom is finally out of her back brace, she has to have fluid drained from her bad knee, leaving her on crutches for two weeks. She also just found out that she's peri-menopausal and needs to start hormone therapy. I love my mom and I get that she's going through a lot, but my patience with the constant emotional phone calls is wearing all too thin. I just get tired of having to be the rock all the time. Sometimes I'd like to be the child, just once. Sometimes, I wish someone would call me up just to ask me how I'm doing for a change. It's weird to feel left out when your mother is going crazy.
-- I thought I could write more tonight, but I'm just in too much damn pain. I need to see a chiropractor soon. This old neck injury has now combined with my new back pain (from the tailbone fall) and it's not pleasant - at all. Every day is a new adventure in pain. And that's before I even get to work. :-/
-- We've sort of got a new business plan for our future. It's interesting, fun, expensive as hell and very long term. But if we could pull it off, it could be wonderous. *shhh!* No talking. I do not want to jinx this.

Grrrr, stupid neck pain. Nite-nite.

Things I've experienced today:

-- Learning that a dear friend from high school died suddenly in his sleep over the weekend and no one knows how or why. He was only a few months older than me and he's one of those people I thought would be around forever.

-- Learning that my cousin's husband died of a heart attack suddenly last night. My cousin is my age and they have one child that's about 9 years old. Not to mention that she is pregnant with their second child and due in October. I cannot even imagine what she is going through.

-- My mom is now calling me on my cell, at work, wherever possible nearly four or five times a day to cry uncontrollably and ask me crazy-ass questions while she is drunk and hysterically emotional. I want to be sympathetic, but dammit I just don't know if I can take this much longer. I get that she's dealing with a lot, but there's only so much I can do and I'd really like to have my mom back please.

-- Gypsy saw the veterinary opthalmologist today. Watching a dog blink from the sun after having her eyes dilated is almost humorous. Almost - if it weren't so pitiful. No signs of glaucoma. However, she does have "odd cells" on a layer of her cornea that need monitoring. More steroid drops for yet another month, more cyclosporin and we'll have to go from there. He doesn't know what's causing the dryness, nor does anyone else. Someone please tell my bank account that this is good news.

-- Ironically, I haven't awoke in a good mood from having slept great in a long time. Today was one of those rare wonderful mornings. I came in to work singing under my breath. By noon, I was exhausted, drained and staring at co-workers in distracted shock after the morning's events. What the hell is going on? And how is it only Monday?

Just posting a little fake entry to see if I can get this damn thing to straighten itself out.

What the hell is going on with everything this fucking week?

I'm so sick of shit going wrong.

Why are my damn entry titles getting pushed so far over? And why is it so far down the page from the picture? I haven't changed a damn thing. What the hell?

The way this week is going, I'm going to kill someone before Friday.

No, it's not just the blog crap. And no, I am not fucking kidding.

There are so many things I need to share. So many things I need to write. So many swirling underthings that need to surface and spill themselves into cathartic words. But as usual, I'm just too damned tired.

This is always the way lately. Especially this week. Tragedy upon tragedy upon tragedy upon tragedy. I'm already emotionally drained and it's only Tuesday. I'm already losing track of all the sympathy cards I need to send this week. I'm already losing track of all the tragic information that seems to be coming to me. I'm already losing track of all the work I need to be doing, but cannot focus on for the life of me. On top of learning that two people close to me have died suddenly over the weekend, I also learned today that one of my classmates' father died in the plane crash in Lexington. Not to mention the fact that my close friend that died suddenly is now rumored to be a suicide. And we can't forget that my good friend Pasty is now calling me almost as much as my mom to vent because she broke up with her boyfriend because he was cheating on her and once again, she has something to bitch about 24/7. There are also news stories that are developing here in the tri-state that are saturating the airwaves and it's so unbelievably hard to maintain focus in the midst of so much grave injustice and sadness.

It would be easier if lots of little things were mounting up and making me stressed. Instead, it's four or five crushingly gigantic things that are sitting on me and pushing out all coherent thought, all ability to laugh easily, all ability to think of anything but grief.

Tonight J. did something really stupid with my bank account and I almost physically took his damned head off. Not that he didn't deserve for me to be raging angry with him (which he did), but I could feel myself edging ever closer to that fragile ledge of Snapdom. My sanity tottering ever so gently and my heart about to crack in half from all the things that seem to be going horribly wrong around me. And all I can think is that I'm so incredibly tired that I'm not even sure if any of this is real or a horrible dream. All I can think is that for all this madness, it's only Tuesday and I have more days of waking up like this before I can attempt to sleep deeply again. All I can think really is that I can't think at all. But yet somehow, I'm not even sure if I even thought that. I just felt grief, tried not to break, went to sleep, dreamt grief and woke up to do it all again.

And what doesn't seem real to me is that it's only Tuesday.