Things I feel I should tell you about even though I'm too tired to tell you about them:
-- My mom apparently broke her ankle while we were iceskating and the doctors were amazed that she actually walked on it to the car and didn't feel any pain, even though it was a lovely shade of swollen blue
-- Friday morning, after being forced to meet with a bone specialist just a day earlier, she was admitted for a sudden surgery and is now recovering from having five screws and a metal plate drilled into her ankle bone for a hairline fracture
-- Today I had to help her shower and then stayed with her and helped her wrap her stapled ankle and then we worked on a puzzle all day while I brought her books to read and ran her errands for her because she is now out of work for six weeks all because we took her iceskating and I feel incredibly fucking guilty, even though she says I shouldn't be because as she puts it, "I wanted to learn it and I had fun. I just fell wrong because I'm not 20 anymore."
-- Friday I "shadowed" at a vet clinic for a few hours to see if I would like to be a veterinary technician and even though I kind of liked the work, I hated the annoying-ass immature employees and the way they treated the animals (and myself) as mere problems to be solved and consistently acted as though comforting animals that are scared shitless is somehow an "inconvenience" and should be avoided not because it can sometimes be unsafe, but because it's stupid and pointless
-- But then I got to bring a kitten to life.
-- No shit.
-- There's more to that story that's simultaneously cringeworthy and awe-inspiring, but I don't need anymore nightmare material this week, so I might tell it later if the trauma and humiliation dissipates enough and I'm not so damned tired
-- In other news, I think I might stop trying for crappy jobs that pay the bills and instead start marching into photo studios saying, "Fuck it. I'm going to be damn photographer and I don't give a shit what anyone says about it. Here's my resume. If you don't hire me, you're an idiot."
-- But then again, I really want to have a wedding this year and be married so that we can get on with the rest of our lives and travel and honeymoon on Mackinac and eat fudge with our wedding bands on.
-- It's all about choices, I guess. I just wish the right ones would come a little closer and the wrong ones would just stay quiet until I am no longer stupid enough to keep choosing them.
And that's the news. As you might have noticed, I'm in serious need of some sleep.
Some more art for you tonight. Though not so personal that it can't be posted here. :-)
Inspired lots lately by Mixed Media Memoirs. This week's topic is "The trajectory in my life changed when _________" and then you fill in the rest with artwork (obviously).
So here goes: The whole piece.
And the rest of it zoomed in and in order so you can actually read it:
Again, not fishing for compliments. Just genuinely curious as to your feedback.
Nite-nite.
Another new entry over in the photolog. Not photos necessarily, but a collage that I did tonight. For some reason it just felt too personal to post here, so I put it over there. I guess I just needed to unload some stuff and was lucky enough to have lots of construction paper and markers on hand. Ahhhh, sharpies. ;-)
Wanna see something cool? Head over to the photolog for a limited time and enjoy a video of us - with no animals whatsoever! Oooooh.
;-)
I just went to visit the Martha Stewart website and what comes on my iTunes but Patty Griffin's "Making Pies."
I'm sorry, but I'm just dying laughing here. Irony is something that will always make me laugh until I pee. Yeah, yeah, I'm a dork. What's new?
Appetizer
If you were a color, which color would you be, and why?
(Am I in a job interview?) Probably a million shades of blue because it's a color that's just me. But lately, I'm seriously getting into the hot pink. Rowrrr.
Soup
When was the last time you went to the doctor, and what was your reason for going?
Hahahahaaaaaa.... oh how funny. Let's see.... last Wednesday? That was the last time I went and yet again had to be put on a nebulizer for this breathing/asthma crap. However, today I'm feeling quite good and hoping to be tip-top shape again very soon. (At least I was feeling good until I got my emergency room bill in the mail and now I'm damn near unable to breathe again. Gasp.)
Salad
What do you collect?
Do you know what you're asking? Okay.. Garfield memorabilia first and foremost. Then black cats (for Halloween), snowmen and penguins (for the holidays), hippos and Pez dispensers (for any occasion). I like collections it seems. In my family, we all collect something.
Main Course
What were you like in high school? Name one thing you miss and one thing you don't miss about those days. (If you're still there, imagine how you'll remember it in the future.)
Six months ahead of everyone else. I was goth before it was goth, baby. ;-) No seriously, I was annoying and loud and dramatic and moody and dark and twisted. No wait. That was yesterday.
What I miss? Um... nothing.
What I don't miss? Everything.
Dessert
Pretend you're standing in front of your home, with your back towards your home. Describe the view - what can you see? Trees? Cars? A zoo? Wal-Mart?
A very steep hill covered in evergreens that goes up to another giant building of condos and then lots more woods going up and up and up and up. Have I mentioned that I love Kentucky?
Wow. I can't believe it's Friday. With J. being out of work and me having been too sick to do much of anything, we've lost all track of days and dates around here. We both just sit around in our pajamas and get lazy about our hygiene and scratch ourselves and then have to stop and think really hard when someone asks, "What is today?"
"Ummmm....." (checks the calendar), "I guess it's Wednesday."
"Oh. Hmm."
"Yep."
Welcome to our exciting life. Really, I should be charging admission for a show like this.
Yeah, it's been too long since I've done positives. Here goes...
-- I can breathe...
-- ... without coughing
-- Discovering that pinching that little piece of skin between my eyes really does cure the constant dizziness - hoorah for home remedies
-- J. has two interviews this week with good places :-)
-- Being well enough to make my yummy grilled veggie subs last night
-- Liking that 'I just ate healthy' feeling lots
-- Surprising myself by becoming the 'let's just see what we can mix up in the pan' kind of cook that I never thought I would be
-- Having J. to stand, lay, sit by me these past few weeks and then...
-- even hold my hair and wipe my face after the vomiting
-- The way I was so weak that one morning that I couldn't lift my arms and he not only fed me soup for strength, but he blew on every bite too
-- Inhalers
-- Extra pillows
-- Libraries
-- Having the love of reading that my mother instilled me with just for times like this
-- The joy of going through three great books in as many days
-- Being with someone that loves to just sit and read as much as I do
-- A woodburning fireplace to accompany all that reading
-- Other entertainment for when even the reading became too tiresome
-- J.'s uncontrollable laughter when I made my 'pissy with a side of bitch' comment at the Arby's drive-thru
-- There are yet new wedding plans afoot - that I absolutely do not want to curse by sharing here yet ;-)
-- Family that call to check on me...
-- without accusing me of excess drama
-- Snoring beagles
-- Kitties that love to share the blanket with me
-- Emails from wonderful friends all around the globe
-- New music
-- How hard J. works to keep this place clean and running smoothly, despite his new head cold
-- Good drugs
-- Bad tv
-- Good tv
-- Fun little online games to keep us amused
-- Possibilities
-- The slow, slow art of recovery
-- Music
-- Medicaid
-- Oxygen
-- Pudding
-- Bagels and flavored cream cheese
-- Vaporizers
-- Soup and sandwiches with someone you love
-- Clean water to drink
-- Good food to eat
-- Fresh air and being able to breathe it
-- The ability to heal
-- Him
-- Us
-- You (yes, you)
Here's a cool thing that I found over at Shelby's place. It's called a Johari Window and it's used to compare how I see myself with how others see me.
Your job? To go on over there and click a few things that you feel best describe me. It doesn't take two seconds and I promise you I will find it endlessly entertaining. Plus, you know I will return the favor when you put it on your own blog. ;-)
Also, as a sidenote: How about those opening ceremonies? Personally, I loved the idea of a Formula One car spinning out on the ice. Rock. And brushing up on my Italian is always molti divertente. :-)
Say hello to my life. After a return visit to my primary care physician today, it was determined that not only did the ER doctors give me incredibly high doses of the wrong drugs, they also didn't bother to taper them off as they should've either. So uh.. dizziness? Check. Nausea? Check. Withdrawal? Yeah, baby. Wonderful. So now, after yet another nebulizer treatment and fifteen more rounds of inhalers and asthmatic drugs, I am home in bed unable to sleep with the worst case of the shakes that I've ever had in my entire life. Not to mention the other prescriptions that J. is currently picking up for me at the pharmacy. It's a good damn thing my doctor understands what 'having no insurance' means and tries so hard to give me samples and cheap drugs whenever she can. Otherwise, we'd have no food.
Speaking of food, it turns out that soup is the only thing I can seem to keep down today. But what I love most of all and what I never want to forget is this: For the past week, I have been too winded and short of breath to even blow on my soup, so without a second thought, J. keeps automatically leaning over and blowing on my soup for me, spoonful by spoonful. It is such a simultaneously pitiful and sweet gesture, that I often feel as though I could cry from gratefulness. Give him some props, please. He is tired, unemployed and worried, but he is what's keeping this place together right now, not to mention my morale. So I just want to say thank you to my sweetie. I know I wouldn't be able to beat this thing if it weren't for you.
That's all from me tonight. Enjoy your health, boys and girls. It is a precious and beautiful thing.
On behalf of my sickness and the inability to get any decent sleep and/or get better, I bring you a very long meme. Woohoo!
Enjoy....
1. Something purple within 5 feet of you?
Um... wow. I'm looking and I see nothing. Hmmm, oh wait! A purple sharpie and a purple mechanical pencil.
2. Do you know how to play poker?
Five card draw and that's about it. I'm still learning.
3. Is your hair long enough to chew on?
Yes, but why would I do that?
4. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
No, but right now I'm in such a fog of meds that it could have easily happened already. I'm getting no sleep.
5. Least favorite color?
Yellow. Ew.
6. Ever had Dippin’ Dots?
Oh yes, at Kings Island this summer. Mmmm, dippin dots.
7. Have you ever cheated on a test?
Nope.
8. Ever played an instrument?
Flute in band, some piano, voice, kazoo.
9. If you’re driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around..do you go through red lights?
No. It's inevitable that if I do, a cop will come out of nowhere.
10. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?
Probably.
11. Ever had a H2O massage?
No, but oh how good that sounds.
12. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
Sox, baby. All the way.
13. Do you believe in Bigfoot?
Why not?
14. Ever been to a palm reader?
Many times.
15. Have you ever ice skated?
Once. It didn't go so well. But J. swears that he will teach me one day and that I will love it.
16. How often do you remember your dreams?
More often than I'd like.
17. Last Pez dispenser you bought?
An R2-D2 one for J. for Christmas.
18. Ever had sex in a car?
Um... no comment.
19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you were crying?
The other night when I was trying to talk to Pasty on the phone and got to choking and then couldn't stop laughing at myself and then couldn't stop choking.. yeah, you see where this is going.
20. Did you have a good weekend?
Yes, though it would've been so much better if I hadn't been A) incapacitated or B) bedridden.
21. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Hard to say. It hasn't happened to me, so right now I say no.
22. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?
Oh no. Coasters and me are good, good friends.
23. The sexiest item you own?
My funny bone.
24. Do you know who Ba-Ba-Booey is?
No, but it sure is fun to say his name, yes?
25. What are you thinking about right now?
Why I am still unable to get enough air and how much it absolutely sucks.
26. Do you always wear your seatbelt?
Always. And if you're riding with me, you'll be wearing one too.
27. Ever had a black eye?
Yes, once.
28. How is today going for you?
Wheezy.
29. What talent do you wish you had?
To play gee-tar perfectly by ear, like my dad.
30. Any plans tonight?
Nope. Maybe a DVD tonight while I try yet again to get some sleep and continue breathing.
31. Do you like sushi?
No, even if I weren't vegetarian, that stuff's still scary.
32. Ever taken a photo of something dead?
Yes.
33. What do you wear to bed?
My awesome blue pj's that I got last year for Christmas or a combination of sweats and a shirt.
34. Been caught stealing?
Nope, because I haven't really stolen anything... except this meme. (from Laura)
35. Do you find Smurfette sexy?
No, she always annoyed the living shit out of me.
36. Do you truly hate anyone?
Only a couple, but even that's starting to dissipate as I get older.
37. Current disappointment?
Not being able to get going on the job circuit because I'm too weak and wheezy to even talk on the phone. Grrrr, I want to be well already!
38. Rock and roll or rap?
Rock, baby. But some rap ain't bad either.
39. Do you have an air freshener in your car?
No. Though I probably should.
40. If you could “sleep” with one famous person, who would it be?
Hmmm, don't know. I can't just "sleep" with anyone. I'd make it too complicated, I'm sure. Oh wait! Christian Bale. I'm sure we could work something out.
41. When’s the last time you’ve been sleigh riding?
Years ago. Maybe when I was in my teens?
42. Are your nails painted?
Nope.
43. Do you have a relative in prison?
Not currently. I think he just got out a few months ago. (no, I'm not kidding)
44. Do you have plants in your room?
No. We can't have plants, we have cats. Oh wait, no we have catgrass! Woohoo, victory!
45. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror?
Many times, though it feels weird and I just end up doing it in the car instead.
46. If you could drink anything this second, what would it be?
Water. I'm so dehydrated it's not even funny. Or maybe a gallon of Nyquil so I could get some sleep.
47. Do you know how to play chess?
Oh yes.
48. Last piece of mail opened?
A free credit card offer.
49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My chest, my throat, my hips, my head... do you want me to keep going?
50. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
Duh. But only because I know they'd do it for me.
51. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?
Yes.
52. What city was your last taxicab ride in?
New York City.
53. Have you ever been punched in the face?
Not quite.
54. Last alcoholic drink you had?
Whatever was in my pain meds. I don't drink, so that's about as lucky as I get.
55. If someone you hated died, would you laugh and spit on their grave?
No. I would probably just feel nothing.. and then feel guilty for feeling nothing.
56. When is the last time you threw up from drinking too much?
Again, I don't drink. But last Thursday I threw up seven times after coming back from the ER. Yeah, baby!
57. Have you ever walked out on a movie at the theater?
No. Unfortunately I have friends that held my hands down and refused to let me leave "Showgirls" for pure torture. Bastards.
58. What were you doing at 9pm last night?
Trying desperately to help J. cook dinner and only getting in his way.
59. Do you ever sit through a bad movie, just to see how bad it can get?
Oh god, you have no idea. It's as though I can't turn them off because I haven't seen the ending yet.
60. What is your favorite drink at Starbucks?
I go to Starbucks maybe once a year, but it's just for a Caramel Apple Cider. Mmmmm.
61. Do you exercise as much as you should?
No, but I'm hoping that will change as soon as I get better.
62. Would you consider yourself obsessed with anything/anyone?
Blogs? Animals? Music? I guess the options are endless.
63. Weirdest thing ever heated in the microwave?
Probably these weird hot glue prosthetic vampire teeth we did one year for Pasty's Halloween costume. They were supposed to actually be boiled and then melted to your teeth.
64. Did you do the deed on prom night?
No. I got all dressed up so that we could dance to Salt-n-Pepa's "Shoop Shoop" Song 150 times and then go bowling. Wooo.
65. Have you ever met someone famous that you really wanted to meet?
Tori Amos.
66. Have you ever been stood up?
That was the other prom.
67. Would you give your significant other a second chance if they cheated on you?
Probably not. Hey, I'm just being realistic here.
68. Last time you screamed at the top of your lungs?
On the Italian Job Stunt Track this summer at Kings Island. I couldn't talk for days.
69. Did you ever do something that you didn’t want to, just to fit in?
Again, see the prom and high school thing.
70. Do you believe in ghosts?
Sure.
71. How much Japanese do you know?
I know all the dirty words thanks to my spam folder.
72. Do you consider yourself creative?
Very.
73. Do you look good in yellow?
Never, never, never.
74. Do you sing?
Very much.
75. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
Yep.
76. Ever danced naked in front of a crowd?
Nope.
77. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
Why must there be a comparison? And why should we care?
78. Can you honestly say you know anything about politics?
Yes, though I sometimes wish I didn't.
Wow, the week I've had. Broncho-dialators, inhalers, prescriptions galore, shitty-ass fill-in doctors, doctors too busy to figure out what's really wrong with me, doctors that take time to figure out what's wrong with me but only because I'm sitting in the ER unable to breathe and then the insanity of having to be in an emergency room for the first time ever while sitting and discussing payment options with a medicaid coordinator because I have no insurance.
Oh, and did I mention that I'm extremely sick?
I'm laughing now, but man it's been a hell of a week - and it's still going on. For the first time in my life, I was so sick that I was afraid to go to sleep for fear that my shallow breathing would finally just stop in the night and I would not wake up. J. sat next to me all night and coated me with Vick's vaporub, then watched me cry because I was so afraid of this new fire in my chest and throat. I watched as his eyes continued to look serious and worried and then listened as he called doctor after doctor for a better drug to be called in and continued to get nowhere because my family doctor was "off" for the day and no one could help me. Then I watched as he took the dog out, fed the cats and came to help me get dressed because "we're going to the hospital."
When I was two months old, I was in the hospital for emergency surgery for a rare stomach disorder. When I was five years old, I had pneumonia and was in the hospital for four days and it was strange and horrible. Honestly? I was kind of hoping my hospital days were behind me.
I keep wheezing telling anyone that asks that I was in the hospital, working in words like "emergency room" and "breathing machines" as though I were a ten year old desperately seeking attention. In reality? I'm just still shocked. I wore my hospital bracelet for nearly two days after we came home just as a reminder that Yes, Staz. You were in the hospital. You were really sick. This is not a joke. You are not being dramatic. Stop listening to all the idiot step-parents and ghosts in your head and just admit that yes, you were really legitimately sick. Now go to bed and tell everyone else that as a matter of fact, you can't talk on the phone because you are very, very sick.
It takes a village to A) give me permission to rest and B) give me permission to give myself permission to rest.
All my life people have told me that I'm "too dramatic," that I "like to exaggerate." The truth is that yes, I am. The other truth is that no, I'm not. It's a strange dichotomy to live in, when everyone loves how dramatically you can tell a story yet they don't believe a damn word you say half the time because you are "so dramatic."
But then suddenly, after second-guessing all my sicknesses all my life and being reminded constantly about my "excess drama," suddenly there I am in the emergency room, real as ever.... sucking on two different broncho-dialators, inhaling oxygen through breathing tubes, taking steroids and pain meds, sitting in an actual hospital gown that I'm not allowed to tie up in the back, being wheeled in for chest x-rays on a stretcher and listening to the sound of my own blood pressure fluxuate like mad on a beeping machine behind me. I know I should give in to this. I know I should just let them run their tests. I know that I cannot breathe and that this is something that requires more than just a damned antibiotic. But what if They are all right? What if I'm just being "too dramatic?" What if this is all "in my head?" What if I'm costing us hundreds of dollars because I "crave attention?" What if I am totally just full of shit?
But then a doctor comes in and listens to my breathing for the umpteenth time with that same frown on his face and as I explode into another fit of violent choking and feel my lungs light on fire, he says to me, "You need to call your primary care physician and update her. Because if this keeps happening to you over the next year, I'm going to tell you you have Asthma."
And there it is. Immediately I think of all the roller coasters I won't be able to scream on anymore. All the animals that I may not be able to hold anymore because of their dander. All the dust that I'll have to avoid forever in my own home. All the hepa filters we'll have to buy. All the times I won't be able to do something without having an inhaler by my side or in my pocket. All the bike rides I may have to cut short. (and let me tell you, my friends, that one hurts.)
But mostly? I think of the fact that I still have not called my dad and told him any of this. Because I know what he will say. I know it and I dread it with every fiber of my being. "Asthma?" he will ask as though I have just said something in Greek. As though it is a possibility he never even thought of, even though the doctors warned him about this with me when I was twelve. Even when they told him to stop chain smoking because it was ruining my health. Even then, as I was passing out at the track meets, he laughed it off and called me a dramatic hypochondriac. And now, after all of these years of me proving myself to be responsible and non-dramatic and something to be taken seriously, he will say the exact same thing. "Asthma?!.... Yeah right. Don't be so dramatic. It's just the flu." And then he will add, "You'd better get a job to pay for that hospital bill. You don't have insurance and poor J. shouldn't have to pay for you being a hypochondriac." I've discovered throughout my life that it's not whether or not I'm actually sick, it's whether or not I can actually convince my family that I am indeed sick.
So there you have it in a nutshell. That's how my week has been. I haven't even called my family yet and ironically, the ER visit was the easiest part of the whole damn thing. It will be a long road to recovery I think, as it's been a few days since I went to the hospital and I am still feeling as though breathing is the hardest thing on the planet to accomplish.
I thank you for all your well wishes and I honestly feel them. I'm just so sick and weak right now that I can't give much in return. But if you need me, I'll be parking my dramatic ass on the couch and watching yet another bad movie while I puff on an inhaler and wonder just when this will all be over.... or if it's just beginning. Please, keep those prayers and good wishes coming. I assure you that I will be using them for all they're worth.
*sigh* [then of course.. hack, cough, hack] Really. Why couldn't I have just broken my arm? At least then, you could all have signed the cast. ;-)
You may have noticed that Staz has not updated in a while. You might also notice that I am not Staz. Nope, it's me, J. And if you're thinking that for me to be updating for her, something must be wrong, well, you're right.
Staz is sick, very sick actually. Sicker than either She or I have ever seen her. What started as a severe cold, then turned into possible flu has become full blown bronchial-infection-incessant-coughing-asthma-symptom-inducing...something, that has had her bed ridden for days, with little strength, and little stomach for solid food. We just returned from the emergency room where all seemed well and we were give some powerful medcine to combat this thing. But now, the coughing fits have resumed, accompanied by nausea and weakness and she is utterly miserable. Having been laid off this week appears to be an unlikely Godsend in that I was able to care for both her, the animals, and the apartment through all of this.
I'm telling you all of this because, well, 1) She asked me, and 2) so that you would all keep her in mind when you read this. If you're at all religious, say a little prayer to whomever is in charge of such things for her health and well-being. If you're not religious, then just think good thoughts in our direction, as we could use as much postive energy as we can get right now.