I look back on old entries that I wrote a year ago at this time and I honestly cannot believe the events that have transpired or the time that has passed. It is unfathomable that nearly a year ago, I was suffering through midterms and feeling continually trapped in the vortex of college, pressure, late nights, and junk food. Now? We prepare only fresh vegetables and I am learning how to improvise and cook my own good vegetarian dishes while we relax at home in the evenings and enjoy our time with our animals on the bed. School seems a distant and surreal nightmare. If I didn't have the physical degree to look at sometimes, I'm not sure that I would believe I actually graduated from anywhere for anything.
In the past two years I have: suffered the most difficult semesters of my life, finally graduated college after constantly pursuing a degree for nearly ten years, become vegetarian, begun treatment for hypothyroidism, moved us and five animals from a three bedroom house to a third floor condo, watched my mother become finally sober and marry someone that truly values her, become officially engaged, said goodbye to a canine companion I'd known for twelve years, said goodbye to a canine companion I didn't even know I'd have, realized that my major was not what I wanted to be doing, learned to sew, made art again, struggled with constant unemployment, learned the intricacies of wedding planning hell, re-evaluated my relationship with my family, reconnected with my mother, become distanced from lifelong friends, become closer to new ones that I haven't even met yet, discovered new favorite places, fallen in love all over again and again and again, remained a virgin, discovered my sexuality, discovered that having arguments in a relationship is normal, learned that imperfection does not make you unloveable, continually struggled with a lack of money, realized that having children isn't necessarily a requirement for happiness, learned to speak fluent Italian, decided that I want to travel, been diagnosed with adult onset asthma, nearly owned a home, had my home dreams shattered, been saved and saved again by the power of music, lit countless candles in beautiful old catholic churches, remained non-religious, gained a connection with something that I can only call God, gained weight, lost weight, gained it back, finally returned to my love of animals by volunteering in shelters, formed a new gameplan for our lives together, wondered where in the hell I will go from here.
It's amazing how, for a person that isn't working, my life can be so incredibly chaotic... and yet full.
* Those who act make mistakes, those who do nothing blunder. Did I mention just how proud I am that I learned Italian? Beautiful, beautiful language.
Pssst! Hey! Did you know it's someone special's birthday today? Yep, Happy Birthday Nicole! You rock, dude!
Oh, and Arooooo from Gypsy too!
A new music meme, found over at Mikey's. Put your media player on "shuffle" and let it answer the questions. No cheating.
How does the world see you?
Daisy Dead Petals. (Tori Amos) "Got a crack in some strange places..." Well yeah, that's about right.
Will I have a happy life?
Folsom Prison Blues (Johnny Cash) - "I'm stuck in Folsom Prison and time keeps dragging on..." Ouch.
What do my friends really think of me?
Bad as they seem (Hayden) - "What do I do this for? Got to get out some more..." Again, ouch.
Do people secretly lust after me?
Breakfast in Bed - Dusty Springfield ("Pull your shoes off, lie down
And I will lock the door, And no-one has to know...") Wow. I couldn't have planned that one in a million years.
How can I make myself happy?
God Only Knows - Jonatha Brooke (Beach Boys cover) Hahaha, funny.
What should I do with my life?
Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk - Rufus Wainwright ("Can't expect the world to be your raggedy andy, while running on empty, you little old doll with a frown...") True, very true.
Will I ever have children?
The Captain - Kasey Chambers ("I found the place I'm meant to be, I figured out my destiny at last, Did I forget to thank you for the ride, I hadn't tried, I tend to runaway and hide...") Um, okay. Was there an answer in there?
What is some good advice for me?
Knowhere - David Gray ("I don’t know where I, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now, Get it on all night....") Well, if you insist.
How will I be remembered?
Coin Operated Boy - The Dresden Dolls ("Coin operated boy, sitting on the shelf, he is just a toy, but I turn him on and he comes to life, automatic joy...") Hey, that's one hell of a legacy.
What is my signature song?
I Wanna Be a Cowboy - Boys Don't Cry ("Riding on the range, I've got my hat. on.") Wow, how did you know?
What do I think my current theme song is?
You Really Got Me - Van Halen ("Girl you really got me now, you got me so I don't know what I'm doin'...") Yeah, I'm that deep.
What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
I never loved a man the way I love you - Aretha Franklin ("I guess I'm uptight and I'm stuck like glue, cause I ain't never loved a man that way that I love you...") Why does everyone think I'm a guy?
What song will play at my funeral?
Into the Mystic - Van Morrison ("We were born before the wind...") Yeah, I could totally be happy with this.
What type of men/women do I like?
Spark - Tori Amos ("You say you don't want it, again and again, but you don't really mean it...") Okay, that's just uncanny.
What is my day going to be like?
Making Pies - Patty Griffin ("You could cry or die, Or just make pies all day...") Well, that pretty much covers everything, doesn't it?
Wow. What a weird-ass little meme. Have fun!
I found all of these over at Laura's, so you'll have to go check out her blog to see where they actually came from.
Friday Fiver:
1. When is the last time you became unraveled?
Oh, all day today. Thank you, period. Thank you.
2. What’s the longest trip you’ve taken?
When we took two weeks and went out west when I was twelve. Our goal was to see my Uncle Sam in Montana, but we went all through the Dakotas and Wyoming and every other possible midwestern state on the way. It was beautiful.
3. Who is the biggest distraction in your life?
Myself.
4. Do people notice you when you walk into a room?
Usually. Depends on the people.
5. Describe the last time you disappointed someone:
I'd rather not.
Friday Forum:
1. About how many pets have you had throughout your life?
Good God, are you serious? Okay, let me think.... ummm, thirty? That's as close an estimate I can get.
2. Which pet was your favorite and why?
Yeah, right. My animals read this blog!
3. How many pets do you have now? What are their names?
We currently have five cats - Buddy (lives at my mom's), Raven, Ghost, Guinness, and Jekyll. And I'm sure you've aready met Gypsy. ;-)
4. If you could have any kind of animal as a pet, which one would you choose and why?
Cats and dogs. They've always been my favorites. Though lately I'm seriously wanting a macaw. (Damn those fifty year lifespans!)
5. Do you think some people become a little too obsessed with their pets? Why or Why not?
Of course. Because pets rule, dude! ;-)
Five on Friday:
1. What is your favorite time of year?
Probably spring and late summer.
2. What is it about your favorite season that, well, makes it your favorite season?
The humidity isn't excruciating and the weather's juuuust right.
3. What is your least favorite time of year?
I used to say "school time" but now I don't have that! Neener neener neener!
4. Do you do anything to celebrate or recognize the changing of the seasons?
Take lots of pictures, get outside, enjoy it.
5. What’s your favorite thing to do outside?
Drive with the windows down (in warm weather), take photos, enjoy nature with J. and our dog.
The Friday Five:
1) Of the various cultures, ethnicities or nationalities you belong to, which most strongly do you consider yourself?
Irish. It's certainly in my temper, my blood and my nature.
2) Is there a culture you cannot claim heritage from but which you feel quite close to?
Native American. I really love the way they approach the earth.
3) What’s one language you wish you knew fluently?
Italian (check!) Next up is either Mandarin Chinese or Gaelic. Eventually I will learn them both.
4) If you could move anywhere in the world and be guaranteed a job, etc., where would you go?
Probably just a big horse farm spread in the hills of Kentucky. As much as I love other places, nothing makes me feel as happy as the hills of home.
5) If you had a time machine, and could witness any one event without altering or disturbing it, what would you want to see?
The true life of Mary Magdalene.
Top 5 Friday:
What are your top 5, all-time favorite sodas?
1. I
2. can't
3. drink
4. pop.
5. though sometimes I will have a 'Doctah Peppah.'
T.G.I.F.:
1. At what age did you lose your virginity?
It's cute how you think I'm going to explain this again.
2. What is the biggest age difference that you can tolerate between you and your own partner?
Well, let's see. I dated a guy two years older than my father once and until the stalking began, everything was fine. So really, age means nothing. Maturity is everything. (Funny sidenote: After all of that drama, when J. asked me why I chose him over my ex, my answer was, "Because you know who Kajagoogoo is." So I guess the age difference was annoying me after all.)
3. At what age did you start feeling like a true adult?
Hahahahahahahhahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
4. Do you believe that men and women must dress their age?
Oh hell no. You should see my mother.
5. Is there such a thing as being “too young for love”?
No. Too young for commitment and sex? Definitely.
And on that note, I really need to go to bed. I'm fragile today and I really just need to stop thinking about it and go to sleep.
This morning I had a dream that I was in a new city and wanted to go see the zoo. So when I pulled out a map of the different zoo sections, there was a spotted place where they were doing a leopard exhibit. I looked down and guess what it read.
"Leopardy!"
My brain never ceases to amuse me.
I'll probably be posting a new entry or two over in the photolog soon, but just in case I don't get to it right away, there are some new photos uploaded to Flickr if you're curious. Remember, you have to have an account to view them, as they're for "friends" only. So just send me your flickr info if you haven't already and I'll make sure you get in asap.
Now, I'm off to enjoy some homemade veggie lasagna. The smell is infuriating to my hungry belly. ;-)
I love Puss in Boots too, but it was time for a change.
Yesterday the timing didn't seem right in unveiling the new design, even though it was officially the first day of Spring and this is a very bright and spring-y design. Ironically, today it did feel right and there are four inches of snow and ice on the ground. I am a master of intuition.
J. started his new job yesterday and we've both been lamenting the fact that we don't get to sleep in late together and do nothing anymore. After two months of unemployment, I guess we just got a little too cozy. Heck, even this morning on his second day of work, he looked outside and said, "Well, you know.. the weather is awfully bad. Surely they'd understand if I called off. Right?"
Um... no. *sigh* If only to be independently wealthy. Well, I guess by taking a job that offered twelve thousand more a year than he's ever made, we're working on that. Plus, I'm hell-bent on having my own business someday, so hopefully this will all be part of the plan that helps us do it. Now, if only we could continue to sit on our asses while the cash rolls in. ;-)
Speaking of cash, my mom has offered to let us live out at her farmhouse so that we can save up a boatload of money and get out of debt within a year or less. Plus, we could still have a really nice wedding. The only problem with this scenario is that my mom's farmhouse is literally in the middle of nowhere. When I say it's remote, I mean remote, (think Deliverance, people). So basically I couldn't get a job without having an hour long commute to deal with. But J. would be only fifteen minutes from work and we would have no bills to pay but electricity and heating/cooling. It's a beautiful place, but right now it's only a thought, as moving all of our cats and stuff into such a small two-bedroom farmhouse in the middle of nowhere still seems so unbelievably difficult and insane. Not to mention the lack of internet/cable/city water/civilization that come along with it. But man, no rent and extra income? We could bank some serious cash. You see our dilemma.
In other news, I had a very Jekyll/Hyde weekend visiting my family. Everything was going fine until someone brought up wedding plans. When I mentioned that we were going to have in on a Friday instead to save money, all hell broke lose. I can't win with these people. They're my family and I love them, but it continually amazes me how much they will change their story and completely backtrack on everything that they've ever said or done to me. Last year, they were all bitching about having to go to Michigan for our Mackinac Island wedding and now that we've decided to move it Cincinnati and have it here in on our own turf, it's still not enough for them. Unless we have thirteen different weddings in all of their own individual backyards and do nothing that could be interpreted as "wild" (read: fun), then the bitching will never stop. And then, they all get together and accuse me of "trying to please everyone." Hello? I'm not trying to please anybody. I'm just trying to get everybody to tell me whether or not they want to come. Why is this so damned hard? I've finally just come to the conclusion that our wedding will be on a Friday here in Cincinnati and those that want to be there will have to just shut their mouths and find a fucking way. Otherwise, thanks for the card. We're getting on with our lives now. Oh, and I don't give a damn what anybody says, our colors are going to be hot pink and black. And Gypsy is going to be our flowergirl. So there.
Wow. This entry took a vicious turn, didn't it?
Everything's fine really. I'm just still sore about the whole family screaming at me in the kitchen incident. Then, as I sat in the passenger seat crying in frustration on the way home, the thought came in that my beloved grandfather that died when I was ten would not be there to see me on my wedding day. And as you know, crying jags can take off like gasoline on a fire when given the right fuel, and so it did. But honestly, today? I feel okay. J. and I had a good drive home and a good night last night just laying around watching movies and enjoying being together. So it helps to know what I am doing all of this for. Him, Us, Our Life/Lives Together. I'm still looking for a job, but we have a backup plan if the phone continues to not ring. We have us and our life together and I'm realizing more and more that coming home to him and our furry ones and dancing in the kitchen to music that only we like is going to be worth it all, especially now that I couldn't imagine it any other way.
Though despite what anybody says, I'm totally serious about going to the doggy bakery and having a little wedding cake made just for Gypsy to have at our reception. Honestly, don't you just want to see pictures of Gypsy on my blog anyway? ;-)
How can I be so surrounded by people that supposedly love me, yet feel none of that love for myself?
How can I have such a huge close-knit family that somehow makes me feel as though I am not one of them, and then gets angry when I feel that way?
How can I be told to be myself, but still be insulted when I do not comform to what they want?
You know how at the end of a long transition period at work or at home, even though things were good, you still feel tired and drained and the adrenaline in your body keeps you from sleeping very deeply? Yeah. That's how I'm feeling lately. The past three weeks I've seen my mom every single day, whether I planned to or not. It's so weird how any possible upheaval in her life instantly equals action in mine. The breaking of her ankle, the subsequent surgery, the loss of worklife and independence, the loss of Tiny... somehow it's become my entire life lately and even though I'm not complaining (as I really do enjoy spending time with my mother), I really am just plain tired. I'll be grateful when we get to go home and see my family in Eastern Kentucky this weekend for my grandparents' surprise party. If nothing else, I will be revelling in the fact that I will get to eat cake and go to some pubs with my friend Pasty and my mom can lean on some other family members for a change. Not that everything's been bad, it's just tiring.
Last Saturday, as we were getting ready to do some grocery shopping, my mom called me and started asking about what kind of dogs we have at the shelter (where J. and I volunteer). All week, through her intense grief, everyone that she had talked to on the phone kept telling her to run out and get another little dog - that it was the best therapy ever. Now I personally cannot do this. I need time to grieve, to heal, to be ready to embrace a new animal before I can move on. Otherwise, I just feel that I am denying the memory of my deceased pet and not giving the new one a real chance. But I also understand that people grieve in different ways, so I wasn't going to begrudge my mom if she wanted to do this, but I was also going to make sure she was ready. I kept telling her to really think about it. She's in a cast/boot thingy from her surgery so she can't get around real well, Tiny had only been gone four days, and she's returning to work in a couple of weeks. All important factors in deciding if you should get another pet. She kept telling me that she just felt so empty inside and really "needed something to mother." So when she called Saturday and asked us to meet her and her husband Mike at a county shelter where she had seen some chihuahua mixes online, off we went. I figure if she's going to pick out a dog based on cuddle factor and mere cuteness, at least I could be there to handle the stickier issues like oh.. temperament, energy level, and bite factor.
An hour and half after meeting at the shelter, Mom and Mike were signing the papers on a very timid chihuahua mix that the staff had named Socks (because of his white feet). You should've heard the impatience and excitement in her voice as we sat doing a puzzle Monday, waiting on the vet to call and tell us when we could come and get him. Then I couldn't stop laughing when she actually sweet-talked everyone there into letting her pick him up two hours early. When it comes to baby-ing things, my mom is the champ. (Though really, it only seems to be babies and dogs. I think I personally missed out somewhere.)
So say hello to Wylie. Yes, we named him after a cartoon character, but I think you can see why. This poor guy is from a raided puppy mill and has had no socialization whatsoever, but my mom has already gotten him addicted to being held in three days flat. I think that's a new record. The kid had obviously never touched carpet or walked in grass or been in a car, but somehow within a day of being with my mom, he was already addicted to McDonald's french fries and having his own blanket. Wonderful. Though the advantage of living in a puppy mill for the first part of his life is that the crate training is a snap. Kidding, kidding... He is also an absolute fireball of energy and watching him play with Gypsy is hysterical. He's just getting started running circles around her while she's gasping for breath and exhausted in a heap in the middle of the floor. This could be great for her diet.
Speaking of changes, I'm hesitant to give up my Puss in Boots layout just because I love being able to come here and see the hot pink and black color scheme mixed with Guinness peering out from behind me in my 'naughty librarian boots.' I've always loved that shot, just because it's so kickass and wasn't posed at all. I was just taking a picture of me standing in my favorite boots for some photo meme and Guinness walked up and rubbed against them right as the shutter went off. Rock.
Though in light of all that, I do have a new spring-y design all brewed up and ready to go. I'm just debating whether or not to go ahead and post it up now or if I should let our little Irish-tempered kitty stay until St. Patty's Day so that she can have her day. What do you think?
In other news, J. has accepted a very nice job offer. The commute will be long, but nothing compared to some of the jobs he's had to drive to in the past. Plus, it's all on rural Kentucky backroads, so at least you feel like you're moving rather than just sitting in rush hour traffic on a four lane highway going nowhere.
Seems it's a time of changes around here. That's okay though, I think. At this point, I feel like change is pretty good.
I swear I haven't dropped off the face of the planet, guys. I've just been unbelievably busy.
However, that being said, I'm posting a quick entry here. Last week I started to receive over 400 bounced back emails that I don't recall ever sending in the first place. Turns out a spammer was using my email address to send out his venom. So if you received anything from any burlapsoul address that wasn't me personally writing to you, please accept my apologies and feel free to delete it. Also, if I am now officially in your spam filter/blocked list, I'd be incredibly grateful if you removed me. (Christine tells me that's called adding me to your "white list.") Trust me, I don't affiliate with spammers and would rather gouge out someone's eyeballs before I ever sent anyone an email soliciting anything. Hell, I even hate email forwards. ;-)
Again, my apologies and please let me know if you received anything. Thanks.
It's been over a week since I've written here. Yet somehow, it doesn't feel like it. There are reasons for this and they're all classifiable as one thing: drama. Not always bad drama, certainly not always good, but either way, drama is still drama and that's what I've been dealing with.
Last Wednesday, we lost our internet because well, we couldn't pay the bill. We knew it was coming though, so it was no big deal. When it comes down to buying food, having a phone or being able to play games online, well obviously the first two are of a higher priority. You can check your email anywhere. You can't use the computer to eat, nor can you receive job offers without a working phone number. So anyway, that was that, hence the lack of blogging.
Last Thursday (god, was that a week ago? damn.), my mom was eager to get out of the house because as you might remember, she is recovering from ankle surgery and is bored to death with sitting in the house watching tv and doing nothing. So she called me up and invited me in for a trip to the dog park with Gypsy and her chihuahua Tiny. It was a nice day, not too cold, but laid-back and fun. The dogs played, I made fun of the goofy red sweater that mom makes Tiny wear, we both made fun of how disinterested this diva chihuahua was with the dog park and yet how overjoyed Gypsy was with it, mom got some fresh air and treated me to lunch. All in all, nice typical day.
Later that night, my mom calls me crying hysterically. Tiny is so sick she can't stand up, her blood sugar has dropped so low that they can't even examine her properly and she is spending the night at the ER vet. Friday morning, they take her to their regular vet. He finally gets her blood sugar up, does exploratory surgery. Not only does she have a massive growth that is taking over her entire body from the stomach out, but her liver is entirely covered with tumors. My mom is told that her 12-year-old dog and absolute soulmate that was healthy as of two weeks ago will now die within a matter of days. She is in hysterics.
You may think to yourself that she is just a dog, but you don't understand. When you think of my mom, you think of Tiny. They are absolutely two halves of one whole. They go everywhere together. They are the light of each others' lives. My mom lives for Tiny and Tiny lives for my mom. Everyone in our family gives my mom little light brown chihuahua collectibles or knicknacks that they find because "it just reminded me of Tiny." My mom got her my senior year of high school (and I got her brother whom I named Sigmund, but he was hit by a car and died still a puppy). Not only is this little diva dog my only connection to Sigmund whom I loved dearly, but throughout the past insane twelve years of my mom's life, Tiny has been her constant. Tiny has always been there. She is a part of our collective conscious.
Over the weekend, my mom and her husband Mike sleep in shifts and feed Tiny doses of corn syrup every four hours to keep her sugar up. Every six hours, they give her pain meds and every two hours they fill up a syringe with water and clean out the I.V. tube that emerges from her oh-so-small stitched up belly. They get virtually no sleep and leave the house for nothing. My mom sleeps next to her in bed constantly, leaving only to use the bathroom and only when someone can watch her. They take her outside and physically hold her up because she is too weak to pee on her own. We spend the entire weekend running mom's errands and stopping to visit while we work puzzles with mom and Mike to keep them preoccupied. When we're not working puzzles in the dining room, we all sit in a little circle around the bed in the guest room and alternate between talking about other things and staring at Tiny in silence with worried looks on our faces. When she summons the strength to wag her tail or let out a horse bark we all clap and praise her like she's just won an olympic medal.
On Monday, mom asks me to come over and get her some new library books and check on Tiny. She had perked up for a night, but now she is suddenly even weaker and cannot open her eyes. Though my mom was initially against euthanasia, she cannot continue to watch Tiny go through this and starts to ask me questions about the process of putting a dog down and whether or not letting Tiny die naturally is the best thing. They wait another day and hope that their little brown girl will go on her own when she is ready. In the meantime, J. is starting to get some job offers and we are trying desperately to make it until Unemployment Check Day. We go about our daily lives, but still preoccupied. I continue to sleep with my phone by the bed.
Tuesday morning, my mom calls me at 7:30am in absolute hysterics. I cannot even understand what she is saying until she calms down. Tiny is now having seizures and my mom wants me to come right away so that we can go to the vet. There is only one reason to go to the vet at this point and we all know what it is. J. and I both get dressed in a hurry and begin the drive to mom's. Somehow I just remember thinking that this little fifteen minute drive that I've done so many times lately somehow seems too long and too short all at the same time.
When I arrive, it is quite obvious that even though Tiny has not given up, her tiny little body has. Her neck skin does not even bother to snap back, her gums have gone nearly gray, and on the rare occasion that she opens her eyes, they are very clouded. I watch as my mom wraps her little friend of twelve years in her favorite blanket, hands me things that she wants to bury with her, and cries uncontrollably. I've always had to be the strong one with my mother, but this is hard to watch. As we all crowd into her car, drive to the vet and wait on the doctor to make his preparations, I watch my mother cry so hard that I think she might physically break. Eventually the time comes to just wait on the sedative to take place before they come in for the final step. My mom, J. and me all sit in a little circle and watch as Tiny slips into a very deep slumber and for the first time, I allow myself to really cry. We give her kisses, stroke her unbelievably small little tired body and say our goodbyes. I have not seen my mother cry this hard since my Uncle Jack died five years ago and I damn near thought she would die then.
The time comes. I have to watch while my mom wails uncontrollably at having to hand over Tiny to someone else for her final moments. We step outside on the back porch and I revel in being able to breathe in fresh air while my mom loses it all over again and feels like she is losing the only breath she's ever known. J. has to physically hold her up for fear of her falling over and hurting her ankle even more. We sit on the steps in the sun for about ten minutes waiting for them to finish while my mom keeps telling me, "I'm lost without her, I'm lost without her," over and over again.
Eventually it is done. The technician comes out and hands Tiny to me and explains to me all the technical things that might happen now that her body is no longer living. She hugs my mother one more time and we all begin to walk to the car. My mom has decided that we will bury Tiny out at my mom's farmhouse in the country, since she always loved it there and it is the obvious choice. It's about an hour's drive, so we make sure that we have all the necessary provisions: my mom grabs a beer and buys her first pack of cigarettes in two months. (Don't worry. My mom is one of those annoying 'social smokers' than smokes only when she's stressed and can still quit whenever she wants to.) On the way to the farm, we stop and pick up Gypsy. She is unbelievably attached to Tiny and it is important to me that she knows the truth rather than just looking for her forever and becoming upset. Somehow, having goofy clumsy Gypsy dance all over her lap in the car is the one thing that comforts my mom during the drive.
While we are driving, I notice that my mom really looks like a mess. I don't mean that in a bad way. It's just that I don't remember the last time I've seen her so emotionally drained and exhausted. But as we are driving through these beautiful Kentucky backwoods on a wonderful sunshiny day, even through this cloud of gloom that has been hanging over her for days, she somehow looks lighter. She says something that I didn't think she would be able to say during all of this and that is, "I hate to say it, but I actually feel relieved. I'm not worrying anymore."
Later, as we arrive at the house, J. heads to the garage to begin looking for the shovels and various pickaxes he'll need to break through Kentucky's red dirt ground, while mom and I go about the business of taking Tiny's swaddled body into the house and deciding what happens next. We lay Tiny in a chair and unwrap her body while mom kisses her some more and says more goodbyes. She seems calmer now but I know the worst is coming. The minute that Gypsy realizes that Tiny has actually suddenly appeared, her tail goes crazy and she becomes excited as usual. She gets up on her hind legs so that she can reach Tiny laying in the chair, does her usual cover-Tiny-with-snot routine that is supposed to symbolize friendly sniffing, and becomes utterly confused when Tiny will not rise to play with her. She sniffs the stitches on Tiny's belly, nudges her legs, waits for her to open her eyes and... nothing. She seems thoroughly confused so mom wraps Tiny back up and gets Gypsy to go outside and play for a bit instead. It's not hitting her yet. J. finds the tools and we walk around in the wonderful country quiet and pick a spot for Tiny's burial.
Mom picks a spot in the sun where she always loved to lay so that she will never be cold and we go back inside as J. starts digging. My mom spends lots of time playing with Gypsy and giving her all of Tiny's old dog treats from a giant jar in the kitchen. Again and again, Gypsy returns to Tiny's body wrapped in the chair and tries to get her to play. It is hard for me to watch. Soon enough, J. comes in the back door and announces that he thinks everything's ready.
We walk out to the grave that J. has dug and mom begins to cry harder than she ever has. She kneels down in front of the hole and allows Gypsy one last sniff before kissing her one last time, swaddling her completely and finally covering Tiny's face forever. I watch helplessly as my mother rocks back and forth over this hole in the ground and embraces Tiny so tightly that I think they both might break. Over and over again she cries, "I'm so sorry. Mama's gonna miss you so much." And the image that burns into my brain is that as we are bent over holding onto my mother as she wails so loudly and tries desperately to let go of Tiny for the last time, I glance under my arm and see Gypsy standing just behind us with her head cocked and her face so full of concern. She is not curious, she is not playing, her tail stops wagging. In this moment she is grasping exactly what is going on and it breaks my heart. J. consoles my mother as she lays her best friend of twelve years into the ground and loses all control. I watch helplessly as Gypsy comes forward and nearly tries to go into the hole after her. She is certain that we should not be leaving Tiny here. We pull her back and for the rest of the day, she does not leave my mom's side and comes running every time she hears my mom cry.
After some time my mom stands up and begins to walk away on her crutches because she does not want to watch the hole get filled. But J. stops her and asks us all to hold hands. He says a prayer and I remember thinking that it was one of the sweetest things that he could've done. Eventually, the grave is filled and we are finished and ready to head home. I can see that my mom is just about to fall over from exhaustion and I am almost grateful that she will finally be able to sleep tonight, but I know that the hardest part will be later when she has to adjust to daily life without her constant companion. (And this proved to be true, as the minute we got home and she walked into the silence of a dogless house, she collapsed into the floor yet again. Luckily, Gypsy was right there with her.)
We find a really unique looking rock to lay on the grave as a marker and as everyone else is loading up the car and preparing for the trip back, I walk over to Tiny's grave and share a few words with her myself. Tiny and I had an understanding. No matter what, take care of Mom. Even when I couldn't be there to do it, I know Tiny did it well. She was an eight pound chihuahua, but she could kick your ass from here to China if you messed with Mama. That was one of the things that I loved about her; she didn't let her size determine her abilities. Walking into mom's house without hearing Tiny bark her head off at you is going to be the weirdest thing in the world to get used to, I won't kid you about that. But knowing that this little bundle of pure love was always there for my mom while she was constantly changing and trying to find her way over the last twelve years... well, it somehow makes me feel better. I know that my mom will have to mourn Tiny for a long time, but I also know that no one will ever just forget her. She was more than just a pet, she was half of my mom. And that's something that will live on forever, in stories, in pictures, in videos, in memory, in my mother.
We all love you, Ms. Too Tiny, and we'll miss you horribly. But the impression you left on our lives can never be erased and I know that for as long as my mother needs someone to listen, you'll never be too far away.
Kisses, baby girl. Mwah! May you always be fabulous.
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I didn't intend for this to turn into a play-by-play of Tiny's death, but catharsis is what it is and that's exactly what this has been. I've cried lots while writing it and I think that's just what's going to happen for a while. Healing is a slow process, but beginning somehow always seems the hardest part. It's the raging river that comes afterward that is useless to try and stop.
J. has received multiple job offers in the last few days and there is actually hope on the horizon. But the best part was today, when I took mom back to the bone surgeon and he removed the staples from her incision site and we went to lunch and shopped and she smiled and laughed more than she has in weeks. It makes me open my windows and embrace this warm rainy Spring weather we're having and then step out from beneath this heavy cloud of darkness and feel as though there really is such a thing as rebirth.
Some memes I've seen around though I couldn't tell you where. Just thought they looked interesting. Also, I figured I should post something today as we may not have internet for the next few days. Hmmm, let's see... food or emailing resumes? Right now, that's a hard decision. As J. says, "Unemployment is great. It gives you just enough money so that you want to keep working." Yep, so true.
Anyway, the first meme thingy:
Ten things I've done that you probably haven't:
1. Brought a kitten to life, straight out of its mother's uterus.
2. Been born with a piece of gristle in my intestine that prevented digestion. (I'm pretty sure about this one, as it happens in only 1 out of 1000 births. But if you have done this, please email me. I'd love to see if carbonation makes you as insanely sick as it makes me.)
3. Remained a virgin.
4. Watched my mom get shoved across four lanes of traffic by another car, so hard that her head shattered the drivers' side window.
5. Owned a red-tailed boa constrictor.
6. Stopped just short of hitting a deer on the highway only to have it turn, glare at me and then buck the living shit out of my entire car while I was trapped inside.
7. Been through six divorces from only two parents.
8. Ridden many Harleys and learned how to play pool at the age of 7 from various bikers.
9. Corresponded with Stephen King.
10. Performed in a 200 year old theatre in front of over 1000 people. (Yes, it was thrilling. ;-)
11. Abstained from smoking, drinking and doing any drugs my entire life.
12. Speak fluent Italian.
(Yeah, I did twelve. What of it? I've lived a wild life, people.)
1. What were the three most stupid things you have done in your life?
-- Changing my major from photography to psychology.
-- Dating Dan (my stalker ex).
-- Listening to the wrong people and shutting out the right ones.
2. At the current moment, who has the most influence in your life?
Me.
3. If you were given a time machine that functioned, and you were allowed to only pick up to five people to dine with, who would you pick?
-- Billie Holiday
-- Ella Fitzgerald
-- My grandmother Wilma and my great grandmother Elizabeth (because they would certainly be dining together with me.)
-- J., when he was twelve and thought that no girls would ever notice him.
-- Me, when I was ten and felt like no one loved me.
4. If you had three wishes that were not supernatural, what would they be?
-- Enough money to live comfortably and not have to work.
-- That my entire family could be healthy and live comfortably as well.
-- That every animal on the planet could have a loving and healthy home.
5. Someone is visiting your hometown/place where you live at the moment. Name two things you regret your city not having, and two things people should avoid.
I'll go with the whole Cincinnati/N. KY area on this one...
2 Regrets:
-- More advanced thinking
-- No IKEA. :-(
2 Things to avoid:
-- Being outside in August
-- The Ohio side of the river ;-P
6. Name one event that has changed your life.
Well, you could look here or I could just tell you my second best choice for this one and say meeting J.