Burlap Soul

I find it highly ironic that I am sitting here printing out 100 (painstakingly) homemade wedding invitations while jamming out to Sinead O'Connor's "No Man's Woman." Is that funny or is that just me?

Ha, ha. Of course, John Lennon's "Love" just came on right after that. (love is real, real is love..) My iTunes' shuffle feature is screwing with me this week.

So obviously I am working on the invites tonight (and probably well into the weekend). I want them ready to go out on Monday. In the process, I'm discovering new things about paper that I never really cared to know. I mean, I've always been an office supply/stationery freak, but I never imagined that the difference between buying 35lb paper and 65lb paper would become such a crucial decision. I certainly never saw myself standing in a Staples at the age of 29, having an intense internal debate about whether or not to enclose my invites in fuschia or white vellum paper.

How is it that I became such a girl? Yet I still have no tolerance for Oprah, heavy makeup or high fashion? What the hell's going on here? I feel like a drag queen in drag.

My mom calls me every day, wanting me to throw some cheesy Top 40 song into my reception music. I've explained to her a hundred times that this is a 30s/40s themed wedding, so the music will reflect that (at least for the first couple hours), but she does not understand this. She honestly wants me to play "It's Raining Men" and Nelly Furtado just for her. "It's Raining Men" I can live with, but Nelly Furtado? I swear, my mother is just looking to have a drunken party rather than celebrate our wedding. I hate watching those wedding videos where people played "current" music and it ends up looking so dated that it's laughable. J. and I have always listened to a lot of Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holiday, Sinatra, Louis Armstrong, Nina Simone, etc etc... We love to swing dance together, we love to watch old movies. That's why the 40s theme appealed to us so much. It's timeless, it's classic, it's fun, it's upbeat, everyone looked good, it's romantic and best of all, it's so us. No one else seems to understand this. People keep saying, "Whatever. I'm not dressing up. I don't want to look stupid." What the hell? If the bride and groom are dressing to accomodate their (very easy and attractive) theme, how would you look stupid? The main guests are doing it, for crying out loud! Seriously, it's not like we asked everyone to wear red velvet jumpsuits and deer horns or something.

However, some people are getting into it and enjoying it and I love that. (Have I mentioned yet that Rasee is going to be a bridesmaid in my wedding? Very, very cool.) Some friends of mine are asking me how to wear their hair, what types of spats to wear on their shoes, what kind of Tommy Gun looks best with pinstripes... the usual. To this, I say Woohoo! The point of this wedding is to have fun! Relish in it, enjoy it and dance until you drop! At least some people are getting it. Besides, I am having wonderful fun strutting around the house in my pj's and breaking in my awesome 40s bridal shoes while dancing to the Andrews Sisters at top volume. Seriously, how cool is that for wedding preparation?

Either way, none of this will matter once I am down that aisle. Despite everyone else's gripes and lack of Fun-o-meters, we'll be happy and dancing and married and eating cake and enjoying us and our day. Who can argue with that? No one. No one at all. That's who. So take your petty arguments and your insane "it's all about me" requests and stick 'em. We've fought hard for this day and you'll not take it away from us. Come celebrate and be with us, don't come just to see what we can do for you. And if you do, well, let me assure you that the party will not be nearly as much fun. Chances are, if you're being a party pooper, we'll be too busy laughing to even care.

Whatever possessed me to make my own wedding invites? I'd really like to go back to my former self right when I got that idea and smack myself very hard. And how in the hell did I honestly think that I could get any color font to show up on black envelopes? Staples is making a killing off of me and (fixing) my last-minute "bright ideas."

I used to laugh when people told me to "just elope." I thought they just couldn't handle the pressure. Now, less than two months from the wedding, I'm starting to really understand what they meant. Who spends three weeks perfecting an invite that most people are going to throw away the day after the wedding anyway? Me. That's who. Welcome to the mad world that is wedding planning. Population: me. Sit back, have some popcorn, enjoy the show. Tell me I'm crazy, tell me I'm normal, tell me I'm the laid-back bride I always imagined myself to be. Just whatever you do, don't give me any shit about the Invites.

Seriously, I just might cut you.

J. is currently en route to Detroit for his Bachelor Party and will be gone all weekend. I have to say, I'm a bit jealous. No, no, not of the strippers.* But of the fact that someone is throwing him a bachelor party at all. After the past few years of really learning who my friends are and just who my best friend isn't, I was not optimistic that someone was going to throw me anything - but still I was hopeful. I didn't say anything, I didn't advertise it, I tried not to expect it.. but still I hoped. Then Maid of Honor Fiasco '07 happened and I became quite certain that there was no thoughtful and fun Bachelorette Party in my future. Granted, I hate strippers and anatomically correct cakes and smoke-filled clubs and my idea of a Bachelorette Party would be some cool pottery class or something equally artistic and fun to do with my mom and girlfriends... but still, I thought that sounded pretty fun. Alas, for I am learning that such is the peril of being an eternal tomboy with mostly male friends - no Bachelorette parties or fun-filled days at the spa for you. *sigh* Oh well. I'm actually fine with that, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to be hanging out with J. and his guy friends this weekend. Part of me is the girl that wants to hear what will be said about me and us and our marriage in the absence of women, the other larger part of me really just wants to go and hang with the boys. ;-)

In other wedding news...

The invitations are done and have officially been sacrificed to the Gods of Postal Service. In doing so, a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I loved our invites, don't get me wrong. They were just something I would never, ever do again. It's just too much damn work and frustration for a Photoshop Perfectionist like me. Plus, our poor printer is going to curse me for months. (Shhhh! Don't tell it we still have to do the programs! I'm letting it cool off first and stop seething at me.) Though a really cool happy accident did happen at the post office. I tried to get the so-called "wedding stamp" (which I really didn't care for, but it looked better than the others, so whatever), but then they didn't have any of them in stock anywhere. I didn't have time to order the stamps online so I just went to a post office close to my work and Voila! Instead of the so-so wedding stamp, I ended up with a really awesome Ella Fitzgerald stamp. Against the black envelopes and with the 40s theme, they looked absolutely PERFECT! Woohoo! Let's start scattin' baby. The word's out and it's all details now. Be-bop-a-diddly-dop-bop!

My task for this weekend? Begin the massive undertaking that is the iPod playlist. The ceremony is easy (it's only filler music and the four ceremony songs), but the reception will be a different beast altogether. The 40s music, I've got down. It's the more current dance music that will be difficult. As J. can tell you, I am incredibly picky about music. It's such an odd thing to be so open to so many different types of music and have such a vast collection, but to be such a snob about other stuff that you won't play anything that's just an "easy listen." Music is so personal to me. I know I'm going to have a few moments where a song plays that no one has heard before and they all just stand there and look around at each other thinking "What is this?" while I dance my ass off. Oh well, you already bought the ticket. You might as well just shut up and enjoy it.

Don't you just love this new attitude I'm gaining in these last two months? To all you future brides out there - you will reach a point where you just start nodding politely while telepathically telling everyone to fuck off. It's wonderful. Trust me on this.

(Perfect example: J.'s mother called the other day just to tell us that she thought being able to RSVP by email was "tacky." Six months ago, I would've flown off the handle and been ready to choke her for being so rude. Instead? I gave J. my response: "Thanks for your two cents! Cha-ching! I threw it in the jar with the others! Bye!") Seriously, this new freedom is amazing. I wish I'd had more of it in the beginning.

At this point, the only really large balance we have left to pay is the florist. After that, it's all details. The most awesome thing is that the women in my family are pitching in in ways I never imagined. My cousin, who loves to make candy, has happily volunteered to make 150 of our unique and awesome favors. Plus, my aunt has bought us all sorts of old 40s concert posters off Ebay and is having them sent to me. I love it. I'm so excited to see how everything will look once all this cool 40s decorating is done. Plus, I can't wait to see how J. and I will look together once we're all 40s-ed up. I so hope that it rocks.

43 days. Hee hee.

* Please. It's a big group of dorky engineers. They're all going to be playing D&D and eating Doritos all weekend. Strippers? Won't even enter their minds.

Half of my big (very prominent) toenail has fallen off one month and one week before the wedding. Think it will grow back in time to be shown off in my very flashy rhinestone studded 40s shoes?

*sigh*

And someone, please tell me - why is my crucial decision this week between this and this... or even more agonizingly fuschia, bubblegum and hot pink?

What the hell happened to me?

Yet again, for the record, I wanted to elope.

*Translation: "Her colors are pink and pink." (see Steel Magnolias for example)

I took a break from wedding stuff this weekend. I damn near snapped both physically and psychologically Saturday morning and so I just decided that nothing wedding-related would get done for at least the next 48 hours. (And by "snapped" I mean blubbering screaming mess in the bathroom floor, boys and girls. Yes, it was break time.)

However, my wedding prep vacation will be short-lived, I'm afraid. Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment for the sole purpose of beginning birth control. (Not only do I get to begin marriage and sex at the same time, but it seems that I also get to begin a new wonderful hormonal roller coaster as well. Yay!) This will be something entirely new for me and I'm trying not to let it affect me much. I hope that I do not become a hormonal person, as I am just now starting to feel like myself for the first time in years (thanks to my faulty thyroid) and I do not want to go through any major personality changes any time soon. Especially one month before the wedding.

I'm already starting to regret having invited co-workers to our deeply personal ceremony. I do not want the people that I work with everyday seeing me cry like a baby and thinking that I am always like that when I'm not. Yes, I expect to cry a little, but I'm not a crier by nature, so if I start blubbering due to hormones, no one will be flattered. Rather, they will all just be terrified and wonder what's wrong with me.

I'm loving this new site by the way. It has to be the easiest way for me to keep lists. However, logging in and seeing this everyday - well, it's a little insane. Yet still, it's also a little relaxing. Organization! In my head! Who knew?

Hope everyone had a nice weekend. :-)

So what exactly would you like to know? Seriously, ask me some questions. I'm pretty open and honest about things and I'll answer most everything.

(It's not that I have nothing to write about, honest. I just have so much crap swirling in my head lately that I can't itemize a single damn thought. Please help.)

We're getting ready and packing the beagle to head into Eastern KY for the weekend. It's officially opening day of my dad's pool, wherein we all dare each other to jump into 68 degree water. (J. always goes first, as he's from Michigan and "can stand all that cold.") We'll also be going to cemetaries and placing roses on the graves of family members. With all that beautiful applachian countryside in the way, I really don't mind. I'm itching to pull out my camera this weekend. Hopefully you will benefit from that, too.

Happy Memorial Day to all of you that celebrate. By the way, 27 days... (that's less than a cycle!)

23 days. Twenty-three days before I am officially considered "married" in the eyes of the law. To be honest, the M word is something that scares me shitless. Binding my life to J's? Not afraid there. Entering into that realm known as "marriage?" Yep, definite gut-binding fear. Between my two parents, I have been witness to a grand total of seven divorces. You can imagine my trepidation concerning the institution of marriage. When someone says to me, "but they're married," well that doesn't mean jack-shit to me. It's so easy to get married - try staying happy and relishing the bonds and vows years later. That's the part I've never seen. J. has even (somewhat jokingly) resorted to asking me to be his "spouse" rather than his "wife" because he knows I hate the W word as well. It's a word that's never sat well with me for so many reasons. I can't tell you why "spouse" sounds so much nicer to me, but it does. Not incredibly romantic, but still easier to live with nonetheless.

When I used to work pharmacy, there was this very elderly couple (about 90 years old) that used to come into our store dressed to the nines, always holding hands. Every time, he always introduced her as his "beautiful bride" even after 70-some years of marriage - and she would always blush and look down shyly as though she was still flattered by the term. That was so beautiful to me and I vowed right then that I would only be in a marriage where I could still love being called a "bride" after so many years together. If not, then I would never be married. End of story. Marriage has always been an all-or-nothing commitment for me. You either love me and treat me like a queen, warts and all, or you get nothing. Being the survivor that I am, I always knew that I would be okay regardless.

However, having to let down my defenses every now and then is something I have definitely struggled with. It's so easy for me to go cold and pretend that I need nothing and no one, as I've done it so well my entire life. It doesn't occur to me to share things - rather it mostly just occurs to me to protect them at all cost. Marriage for me is not this amazing fairytale where everyone grows old together and has kids and calls each other "soulmate." Rather the word "marriage" creates in my mind memories of violent fights, silent treatments, custody battles and step-parent hell. I'm having to create my own definition of marriage and sometimes it's great fun, I have to admit. However, sometimes I feel so badly like I am flying blind, but I am too strong and too alone to ask for help or admit that I am weak and lost.

This is where being with J. comes in handy. He grew up in a household where there was only one very loving and long marriage, but the pain of the divorce was earth shattering and is still discussed in traumatic terms decades later. He understands the baggage, the misconceptions of what "marriage" really is, the pain that follows you forever... but he also knows what happiness looks like and how sweet it can be if you just close your eyes, believe and jump in. He knows what to try and what not to try... I only know what not to do and how much good I haven't been able to try for myself. After 7.5 years together, I never would have imagined we could have made it this far and be so content with ourselves as individuals and ourselves as a couple all at the same time.

There will be jags in the path, sudden turns, stagnant lulls, construction zones... all on our road together. But I'm learning that the best part of all this is that I now love someone enough to trust myself to keep on loving them. This has never happened to me before. I've always destroyed myself with the "what-ifs" and the "can I do this forevers." I'm realizing now that's because I was in relationships where my gut knew it was wrong, even when my heart couldn't face the truth. There was no room to believe in myself, to try and right my emotional wrongs, to make mistakes, to heal, to be happy, to be myself. If I can say nothing else of my life with J., it's that I now have so much breathing room, I can't imagine what I'll do with it all. The irony is that now that I have it, I don't really even feel the need for all of it. Yes, I can survive on my own. Yes, I can breathe on my own. Yes, I can be by myself and alone with my thoughts. Yes, I can pay my own bills and make my own dinner. Yes, I can get by in this world all on my lonesome and be just fine.

But I don't want to. I want him. I want to come home and make dinner for two. I want to vent my frustrations to someone who cares. I want to wipe my tears on someone else's shoulder without restriction. I want to make mistakes openly and know that I am still loved. I want to share the attention of my animals. I want to always hear the sound of two people laughing. I want to redefine "beautiful bride." I want to relish in a life of love.

No one can guarantee great dividends from all the choices you make in life, but I can say without hesitation that I am so proud of myself for having made this one. And I can say with the utmost contentment that I am entirely happy to know that I have made the choice to continually love myself by choosing myself, and us, and all that may entail.

I don't know what day it is,
I can't recall the seasons
And I don't remember how we got this far
All I know is I'm loving you for all the right reasons
In my sky you'll always be my morning star

-- The Jayhawks