I can't believe it's 11 days. I'm really quite amazed and yet still pissed, frustrated and impatient about it all. Marrying him? I'm fine. Marrying him in front of everyone else that has constantly critiqued, bitched, complained and debated everything we decided on and everything we stand for? Not so much.
In the elevator at work today, someone asked me, "So, are you excited?" And I responded simply, "No." They laughed and I pretended it was a joke, told them that wedding planning was just stressful, blah blah blah... but I really wasn't kidding. About the only thing that I would get really happily excited about right now is A) the sudden ability to elope and do it our way or B) a sudden and complete lack of wedding guests along with a reimbursement of our expenses.
The thing is, throughout all of this, we have not really planned a wedding, so much as we have accomodated other people. I know everyone says 'it's never about you, it's about everyone else' but we have fought so hard against all of that - creating our own unique vows, incorporating animals and different religions into the ceremony, creating a 40s theme that we love, making everything a reflection of us and our sense of humor - and it just feels like it's all for nothing. The way our families work, it is just impossible to do anything without criticism, passive-aggressive comments, jokes or a complete lack of respect for our decisions. My family is just utterly freaked at the fact that I am not changing my name - no hyphens, no nothing - and I have to hear about it constantly. I know that part of that is just the old country Appalachian mindframe and I understand that. However, what annoys me is that I have said that I am not changing my name for the past seven years. They're just choosing two weeks before my wedding to actually hear me and submit their (pissy) opinions, and yes that really pisses me off. Again, this is the reason that I really wanted to elope in the first place. I knew my family would ruin this for me, would promise me their help and enthusiasm only to pick it apart until I just give in and comply with their demands. But then a small part of me thought, "No. If you elope, you'll miss out on those cool wedding things, like your dad walking you down the aisle and dancing with J. to your song." So we did it, we planned the big wedding, made the (small but still un-fucking-believable) wedding budget and altered our entire lives in order to accomodate this one day. And yet, here we are. Eleven days away and rather than excited, we are just miserable.
I think part of it is that I really wish I were surrounded by more mature friends that understand and want to help, rather than all the selfish family that still refuse to send an RSVP because we "didn't include enough postage and I don't have any two cent stamps." What. the. hell. This is the kind of crap we're dealing with and it's downright mindblowing.
Additionally, I have another last minute crisis on my hands as well. The salon that I have signed contracts with and had somewhat annoying relations with for the past two months finally just royally fucked me. They insisted that they only do hair/makeup trials two weeks before the wedding and not any earlier. They also could never accurately tell me whether or not the 40s look is something they had experience with, and that was even if they talked to me for longer than two minutes anyway.
So Saturday came and it was time for my hair/makeup trial. I brought in all the pictures they asked me to and kept my hair dirty just like they asked me to. However, nearly three times during my visit, I was asked, "Why did you come with your hair dirty? It's just a trial. Wait, is your wedding today? Oh, nevermind. I guess we'll just have to wash it." Then the hair girl was an absolute BITCH. Seriously, I don't use that word lightly, but she really pissed me off. I had a ton of pictures and I told her that I had purposely let my (already very long) hair grow out because I wasn't sure how much hair she would need for the 40s look I wanted. Even before I could finish telling her that I was open to cutting some of it off or trying a different style, she said, "Well, your hair is just too long and flat and thin. You can't do the 40s thing. So what else do you want?" Um, excuse me? Could we have been a little more tactful there? When I pushed the issue and said, "There's no way you can do a 40s look for me?" She only responded with, "Why? It wouldn't work anyway, so I don't see the point in really spending a lot of time getting all your hair into rollers. You're only scheduled for 30 minutes and I'm running late."
What. the. fuck.
Can you feel the damn steam coming out of my ears here?
In the end, she ended up teasing the absolute shit out of it (I swear, it looked like a seriously high beehive) and calling that "40s volume." That was it.
Um, yeah.
So on to the makeup. Now the makeup girl was wonderful and worked with me and asked me what I wanted. However, I just don't think she really noticed my actual (very pale) skin color and I walked out of there looking about 25 years older with a seriously orange clown face. It wasn't a matter of just having on a lot of makeup, it was the fact that I had on a lot of the WRONG makeup. I looked horrible, paid too much money for all it, and drove home in a seriously embarrassed state. I called J. and begged him to go to the store and get me some seriously makeup remover and facial cleansers, as I was not going to look like this for the rest of the day. As soon as I walked in the door, J. said, "Sweetie I love you, but I really wouldn't want to kiss that face close-up." I took pictures and sent them to my mom and none of us could believe it. We were laughing so hard. These were professionals? What the hell? I look like a drugged out, teased out, clown-mouthed nightmare!
Wonderful. Less than two weeks before my wedding and along with everything else, I now have no hair and makeup plan. Fucking wonderful.
See? These are the things that are driving me crazy - I have no backup plan. I have no girlfriends to come and work with me and talk to me about makeup and tell me what salons to go to. I have no one to say to me, "Hey, let me help you pick out a shade of pink." God, what I wouldn't give for some positive and mature people around me right now. It's all us, we're doing everything and it just gets so damned tiring and depressing at times.
I'm so afraid that our day will come and we'll both we too upset or stressed or angry with our families to enjoy it. I want to focus on us, on our vows, but it's hard when all the minutiae threaten to take it all away. I don't want that, I want to remember everything. I want to see the day, not the schedules and the imperfections. I want to hear his voice, not everyone else's. I want to be happy, but it's hard. It's just so damned hard.
Please tell me this is normal, that you went through it with your wedding, that it gets better. Please tell me that on my day, nothing will matter. Please tell me that I can even tune out my horribly snarky family. Just tell me that this will be a day I actually want to remember forever. Please.