Burlap Soul

Well, folks, the two largest (and most incredibly difficult) walls in our house are now officially repaired and painted. To tell you that this is a huge and happy sigh of relief for me would be an understatement. Yes, there are a million other things that need to be started now that this is over, but honestly? I'd love to just lay on the couch for a day or two and relish in the beauty that is our living room walls.

No really! See? See? See?

I can't begin to tell you awesome it is to have this done. It makes such a huge difference in the general ambience of our living space. I no longer feel like I'm coming home to a disgusting and cold overtly-evergreen cave anymore. (Trust me, it wasn't just the color. It was the fact that it was shitty paint that they put up poorly and put up everywhere. Seriously, Hunter Green on every single wall of the house, Hunter Green light bulbs, Hunter Green shutters, Hunter Green stenciling on the retaining walls in the yard, Hunter Green in the damned tile grout. What. the. hell. Let it go, people. Just let. it. go.)

Ahem. Where was I? Oh yeah, it's just two walls, but our house is so nice and modern and inviting now. It only took two weeks, two sheets of replacement drywall, one roll of drywall tape, four buckets of joint compound and spackle, endless sheets of sandpaper, three coats of primer, one color change mid-job, four quarts of "test color" paint, three gallons of tinted anti-mold primer, three mental breakdowns over "a shade of orange," seven paint brushes, two rollers, five roller covers, and endless amounts of sore shoulders and hands. But hey! It's done, baby! I think I'm going to go lay on the couch for a few days and bask in our new warm and non-evergreen colors.

Oh wait. We don't have a couch yet. We're waiting on the rest of the walls to be painted, the new floor to be installed, and did I mention we've decided to box in the living room by adding an archway?

*sigh*

Back to work for me, I'm afraid. Home Improvement Victories are very short-lived.

I'm going to throw some things out there that have been on my mind and you get to tell me what you'd like me to write about the most. They'll all get written, as this is my space and where I go to express my thoughts. Still, I'd like to know what questions you have about these Mind Topics, because you might just spark something I hadn't yet thought of and that, my friends, is called Inspiration. Really, I love those moments.

Some things on my mind that I'd like to write about:

-- My parents getting older. And how odd it is that "getting older" means they are turning 50 when I am turning 30. My parents were very, very young. But I don't have that "we grew up together" feeling. Instead, I feel like they grew up and I grew old.

-- Losing my best friend of nearly 20 years... and realizing now that I've been stretching the term "best" for a long while now. Still, it would be nice to have closure. But how do you have closure when the person you need closure from is a constant martyr who revels in her own open wounds? You can't take a step forward, only endless steps back. You're stuck in a constant pity party for someone else.

-- Grad school. Career. Life path. Yeah, I've thought about the dreaded "G" word, but honestly, my chances of getting in are very damn slim. Trust me on this one (I was a straight C student at best). However, I'm fully aware that grad school and a master's degree may be wonderful in theory, but returning to attain said degree is just not something I'm remotely interested in. I'm starting to realize that there's nothing that I really love more than photography, however I'm clueless about actually getting my work out there and also making money off of it. I changed my major before I got to all that important stuff and learned to create a portfolio, and I'll forever kick myself for that. Do I sink money into the chance of being an animal behaviorist or do I sink money into some good photo equipment and just start getting on with it already?

-- Children. Everyone else is having them and I will not. I don't begrudge these friends their desires, but at the same time I become quietly sad and know my relationships with them will change. I will become the friend that "doesn't understand because she doesn't have kids" and will be constantly informed that "someday you will change your mind." I choose not to have them because I know exactly what it's like to have kids and I know exactly what kind of a mother I will never be. Therefore, I won't inflict that on my own children. I've raised my children - they're 50 this year. I'm tired. I want to travel, play with animals, be an artist, enjoy myself, be an adult, be a kid. Yes, someday I may change my mind, but that day is not today or tomorrow or the next day. Nor does that mean that I am missing out on the now. Don't forget that when you speak to me and I won't forget that you are still you after the children have arrived. I think that's a fair deal really, as we both win.

-- Marriage. The terms "wife" and "husband." Sex. Understanding what it means to wear an engagement ring and now a wedding band. Not wanting to have them soldered together, purely for my own symbolism. Not knowing quite how to commit myself (mentally and spiritually) to someone so entirely, yet desiring it so very much. I want to let my guard down, but I honestly don't know how as I was never allowed to previously in life. I want to relax and no longer be the strong one in control. I want to forget the labels, surrender and let myself be loved. I want to do these things, but this world just will not let me. My husband may be my refuge, but my family and my past continue to circle the perimeter, keeping me from enjoying it fully without fear, slings and arrows. Actually, this topic might just be summed up perfectly with some artwork. If only I could find my materials....

Let me know what you think, guys. Ask me questions, no matter how personal. Give me advice, tell me what you'd like to hear, tell me I'm nuts, tell me whatever you want, just tell me something. You get to be the writer and I get to be the clay. How cool is that?

Marriage. I am married. I have a husband. I am a wife. I feel as though I should write that on a blackboard 500 times until I learn it. J. and I have been together for nearly 7.5 years and we've lived together for seven. Getting married 7 years into a relationship - some people would call that a formality (and most did). But we did not. For us, finally having a wedding, wearing a gown, a tux, reciting vows, dancing together, dancing with our families, exchanging rings, signing documents - this was a big deal. For us, having survived all that we survived together, this was a long-awaited dream. We didn't tell anyone that we were waiting until marriage before we had sex. It would've just invited more narrow-minded questions about our private life and it really wasn't any of their damn business anyway. Besides, for us, that was actually quite a minor issue. We wanted to be married because we loved each other. Simple as that. The world wouldn't take us seriously as a "boyfriend/girlfriend" and even as a "fiance." No, it wasn't real until we were "husband/wife." We laugh at this. We know that's crap. That's also not why we did it. We wanted a wedding because we wanted to have the memory of seeing each other in a gown and tux, of laughing with friends, of having a day all about us. Again, we wanted it simply because we love each other.

I have some issues with being known as a "wife." The W word elicits some gutteral response in me, full of subservience and quiet rage. I really, really hate being called a "wife." I find no empowerment in it and I can't bring myself to say it. The fact that I refuse to be called a wife and that I didn't change my name might lead you to think I was a die-hard feminist. Some of that is true, but I am a woman and therefore, a contradiction. I love it when J. opens a door for me and I certainly wouldn't turn down a chance to wear high heels and a tight skirt if I felt like it. But "wife?" I just can't do it. J. calls me his "beautiful bride" or his "spouse" and I'm instantly more relaxed. I know. You're thinking "bride?" That's not subservient? No, actually, for me it's not. For me, being called a "bride" recalls the memory of a special day, as though I am just as beautiful as I was on our wedding day, as though my role did not change and I am still the person he married. It tells me he remembers the vows, the day, the promises we made. It does not say to me, "We are married so now you will be a wife."

Some of you might also say, why don't you just create your own definition of "wife?" While I'm working on this, it's still just not something I'm fond of doing. Rather than wasting energy creating a definition for a word that everyone else uses and associates with a million different things anyhow, I'd much rather just create my own damn word. (Again - fiercely independent.) What I feel with J., that doesn't equal "wife" in my head. It's more something like "fliboaihdojwoeiaeaey..." as it's unique to us, goes on forever and can change it's shape at any moment. But when the cable company or the mechanic calls for J., I can't exactly tell them "He's not here, but I'm his fliboaihdojwoeiaeaey. Can I take a message?" Now can I? Nor can I say, "No, but I'm his eternal soulmate/forever love/legal partnership/underwear purchaser. Would you like me to have him call you?" Really. There just has to be a better word out there. Maybe I'll find it, maybe I won't. Maybe I will just have to get used to calling myself a "wife" in certain situations, but most likely, I will just find another way to say it. That's just me. What I do know is that no matter what I call myself, it will not change who I am as a person, nor will it change the way in which I love my husband. That's probably what I need to remind myself of most of all. That we are us and labels or not, we have still agreed to be on this journey together because we love each other.

I'm learning that marriage is not some grandiose ending to a courtship. I had those feelings briefly, that now that I am married, I am trapped and "it's all downhill from here." My family has such negative and pessimistic views of marriage (and so many unhealthy marriages amongst them) that I have honestly never seen what a real true happy marriage looks like, nor have I ever viewed marriage in a positive light. My dad actually told me once in all seriousness many, many years ago that he "would pay for the first wedding, but after that you're on your own." My father has been married four times and my mother is on her fifth. You can see how getting married might have been a challenge for me. Still, I've had to continually challenge myself and redefine how I see the world in order to conquer my past and truly pursue happiness. I am a survivor of abuse. Not everyone else is. Not everyone is out to hurt you. He does not abuse me. He does not ridicule me. He does not shame me. He loves me. He inspires me. He encourages me to be exactly who I am. He makes me laugh at myself. He refuses to let me sabotage myself or be anything that I am not. That is a husband. I feel as though I've had to throw away an old notebook full of definitions. That now I must start over, grab my pencil, and say to myself again and again until I learn it, "He loves you for who you are and he still wants to be with you forever. That is a husband." Or somedays I will add to my definition until I feel it is complete. "Sometimes he will do that annoying forgetting-an-entire-conversation-you-had thing, but it does not mean that he doesn't love you and he will often try really hard to listen more the next time because he knows what it means to you. That is a husband." Or "Sometimes you will make him angry, but that does not mean that you are unloveable or bad and it does not mean that he will leave. Most often, it just means that he is angry or hurt and wants to think about things before he comes and holds you and asks if we can just apologize and start this day over. That is a husband." Or "Sometimes when you wake up from another horrible nightmare and you are crying but he does not notice, that does not mean that you are insignificant or that he is an uncaring asshole. It just means that he is sleeping and you need to wake him up and ask him to hold you. If you do this, then every single time, he will hold you until you fall back to sleep and he will hold his breath quietly waiting to see if the nightmares have gone away before he goes to sleep himself. That is a husband."

I am rewriting the book every day, except I feel as though I am a third grader trying to learn about a lifetime of love and happiness. I am fumbling, but I am happy to be doing it because it's such an interesting chapter and I know I will not be penalized if I get something wrong. I know that this book could go on forever and be even better than I imagined, if I just keep reading and don't sabotage myself, if I remember everything that I've read before and the lessons I've learned. Even still, if I forget something, then I know it's okay because he will remind me. He is writing and reading his own book too, so we can share tips. What makes me happiest though, is knowing that we are both the main characters in each others' favorite novel. That we have embarked on this journey together and that a journey is exactly what it is. That it will ebb and flow, that we will take different paths than we thought we would, but that we will do it together. We will discuss all of our options and we will agree on a life that supports us loving each other. Choosing love and respect above all else, choosing to call each other whatever you like, redefining love in a way that suits both of you. Learning that that is perfectly okay. Actually, it's ideal. That is what it's like to have a husband. That is a marriage.

I've seen this at a few different places (most notably Srah's and Jamelah's) and since guessing music and constantly playing iTunes is my life, I wanted to play.

Here are the [adapted] rules for the meme:

1. Put your mp3 player or music player on your computer on random.
2. Post the first four lines from the first 20 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song (Skip repeat artists).
3. Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.

Leave your guesses in the comments. Some will be super easy, but try not to cheat by Googling.

Jump the cut and guess away! (Seriously, my iTunes was feeling very obvious today, so these should be easy.)

There's kind of an audience participation thing going on over at the Photoblog, so if you wouldn't mind stepping on over and saying hello, I would really appreciate it.

I swear it's not more silly song lyrics. No, really! ;-)

We're busy painting the hallway and office and building an archway in the living room, so you get this.

Steal and enjoy!

Friday 5:

1. When were you the coldest you’ve ever been? I don't know, this is a pretty hard one. I get bone-chilling cold quite often in the winter, like blue toes and everything. I'll say in high school marching band when we had to sit on the bleachers in the cold, then perform in the snow and weren't allowed to wear gloves, so our fingers and lips froze to our instruments.
2. When were you the hottest you’ve ever been? Probably when my car ran out of gas on a 102 degree day with 88% humidity and I walked for nearly 3 miles before I found a cop that helped me. I nearly passed out.
3. When were you the tiredest you’ve ever been? Back in 1999, when I was a full-time student, working full-time and being stalked and called all hours of the night by my ex. I think I went for nearly two weeks with only six hours sleep. I was so exhausted I suffered delusions.
4. When were you the most stressed you’ve ever been? I'm going to say the same semester I was taking a very difficult course load while adjusting to new (and completely wrong for me) thyroid medication. I couldn't find a pen one day to do my homework, so I bashed a giant hole in a plaster wall. Rage much?
5. When were you the dirtiest you’ve ever been? Probably painting. I like to get very dirty when I paint. It makes me feel like I got the job done.

Looks like I will be busy testing yet more paint shades of "bluish-grey" and "purplish-grey" on our office walls today, so in the meantime and in lieu of a real entry, you get beagle cuteness in the form of a Rorschach Test.

Tell me, what do you see in this picture?

Mmm-hmm, and how does that make you feel?

Woohoo! We now have separation, boys and girls! Before, this room couldn't even be told apart from the rest of the Hunter Green HellHole living area, but now... ooooh, ahhh! We have a beginning, middle and end! I believe that's known as a separate room.

After a long week spent prepping, sanding, taping and then absolutely driving myself insane trying to find the perfect shade of "bluish-gray," it's done! We now have a visually separated office space and hallway that is both A) not Hunter Green and B) modern and pretty!

I eventually got fed up with Behr's color selection (which sucks because I love Behr paint) and just decided to make my own damned color instead. I'm glad I did, because it finally looks like I visualized it in my head and I really love it. Initially, I was having mental breakdowns because this house is so open that every single color has to work with every other single color. However, I'm glad that the living room is finally coming together in a way that's cohesive and comfortable. I really love how our homemade bluish-gray works with our awesome orange accent wall. Once we get rid of those horrible Hunter Green beams and get our nice soothing brown archway built, it will look even better.

When we moved in, this house was like 140% Hunter Green. Now, with every project that we tackle, it becomes less and less. Right now, it's something like 90% instead. Yay for progress! Yay for proving our Fixer Upper Muscle! Yay for us! Yippee!

So I'm considering a switch to Expression Engine. The thing is, I just have no idea what this consists of or how to do it. I've never installed MT on my domains before. (The first time, I paid to have it done when I bought my domain and the second time, the wonderful Solonor kindly knocked it out of the park for me there.) Hell, I'm not even sure where to begin. To be honest, I have no technological know-how (I don't even know what the cgi-bin is for and I've honestly never figured out how to set permissions). Sadly, I have never backed up my blog just because I don't know how and can't understand all the weird MT instructions. I just know that I'd like to design a template without having to be a software genius, but that I still want my current domain. I just want it to be easier to use, easier to understand, less code to drive me apeshit.

I've seen enough of EE's code to know that it seems much easier for me to learn, and I'm just really tired of having to download and figure out how to install a million plugins just to get things looking normal around here. (A good example - trying to view the comments on individual entries. What the hell?) I'm also tired of receiving absolutely no help on the forums or by googling. It's just annoying to me and I want a simpler way. I want to vamp up my photoblog again (or create a new one) without having a degree in computer programming.

So does anyone have any ideas for a technologically clueless girl like me? Is there an easier way that won't drive me crazy? I have no problem with storing all of my archives "Before EE" on a separate domain and just starting over from here, but I have no idea how to do that. Honestly, I'm just absolutely clueless about this stuff. I want to know that I can make this switch without completely losing the last 4 years of life I've got recorded here. I don't want to move, I just want to put a new house on my lot. Does that make sense?